Communication Issues

I must admit that my b/f and I do not always effectively communicate what we want and what we need.
I out myself to him, regarding BDSM and D/s, a little at a time.
We discuss very little, and eventually I become frustrated and withdraw from him entirely. I start to create my own little world of self pity, seeing that we are very close to each other, but these issues need to be addressed before the relationship really starts to falter.
He is very aware that I am interested in BDSM, but fails to understand my submisssive needs.

In one frustrating moment, I tried to explain about my submissiveness, and that there are aspects to it, that he needs to understand.
He has tried to do things for me, involving a little bit of play, but also stated that he is nervous about demeaning me somehow.

I know that I have to force the issue in forcing him to communicate.
My biggest fear right now, is that he is complying with my wishes and desires, only because he fears that he will lose me if he does not try to make me happy.
I don't know how I can get him to open up and tell me what he is thinking.
Has anyone had a similar problem, and or adivce as to how I need to proceed so I do not have to worry that he is only going through the motions just to appease me.

In my opinion, issues of interpersonal communication,especially on isses of sexuality and emotions, are some of the most difficult to resolve. Unfortunately, a lot of men are not at all comfortable discussing this sort of thing and will avoid it at all costs. Many tend to get defensive and realy physically uncomfortable when confronted with questions or discussions like this.

I don't have a lot of advice other than to try some alternative forms of communication. Good old snail mail can work sometimes. If he actively uses Messenger or YIM, perhaps the two of you could use this medium to try to deal with these issues. SOmetimes the anonymity and the distance of this form of communication can make it easier for him to open up and freely discuss what is on his mind.

There are other issues that affect bringing a non-bdsm partner into the scene. Remember, that most men have been conditioned from childhood that good men don't hit women, harm women, degrade women, etc. THis is some pretty ingrained and deep conditioning that has gone on for years and to expect him to happily and easily pickup a cane and hit you goes against all that conditioning as much as he may wish to make it happen.

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Originally Posted by cadence

I must admit that my b/f and I do not always effectively communicate what we want and what we need.
I out myself to him, regarding BDSM and D/s, a little at a time.
We discuss very little, and eventually I become frustrated and withdraw from him entirely. I start to create my own little world of self pity, seeing that we are very close to each other, but these issues need to be addressed before the relationship really starts to falter.
He is very aware that I am interested in BDSM, but fails to understand my submisssive needs.

In one frustrating moment, I tried to explain about my submissiveness, and that there are aspects to it, that he needs to understand.
He has tried to do things for me, involving a little bit of play, but also stated that he is nervous about demeaning me somehow.

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As TDS said above, most men are taught from early childhood not to hit women, demean them, humiliate them, etc. And are taught that if they do that they are abusers and cruel. Honestly, unless he has the same inclinations as you do the chances of him getting past that are very slim. Something a Friend told me long ago...

"Most men, even though they may fantasize about it, find it hard to sit across the breakfast table in the morning after having beat their spouses ass to black and blue the night before... that is a humiliation point to them. The seeming loss of control."

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Originally Posted by cadence

I know that I have to force the issue in forcing him to communicate.
My biggest fear right now, is that he is complying with my wishes and desires, only because he fears that he will lose me if he does not try to make me happy.
I don't know how I can get him to open up and tell me what he is thinking.
Has anyone had a similar problem, and or adivce as to how I need to proceed so I do not have to worry that he is only going through the motions just to appease me.

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Secondly, keep in mind. YOU can openly communicate but there is NO WAY you can force him to do the same... no matter what you may try. And he may be just complying with your wishes to keep you. If that is the case (or at least the suspicion) then you need to decide what you want from the relationship on ALL levels and if he is able to meet enough of those to keep you happy for a lifetime. If he isn't willing to openly discuss this now, even on a limited basis, it won't get better in the future. You can't make some one do or feel something they aren't comfortable with... and sooner or later, if he is just appeasing you, it won't be enough for either of you... and that will hurt the relationship even further... at least from my experience.

I used to suck at comunication. What did it for me was simply to sleep around. The more women I had relations with the more I learned about male-female comunication. That and reading books on the subject.

It's a never ending project but I think I'm quite good at working out a womans motives nowdays. Which is what it's all about.

Yeah, I know. Not very helpful if you want to stick with this guy.

My biggest fear right now, is that he is complying with my wishes and desires, only because he fears that he will lose me if he does not try to make me happy.

the best way to get your message across is to show him that when he does act in a way that you desire .. you must show him visually and physically that you appreciate his efforts .. if he likes you then he will try and expand on these activities and so it should progress ..

I've been very lucky in that the only real relationship I've had that incorporated elements of BDSM was very open, in terms of communication. This is very important to me. If I'm not comfortable enough with the person to talk about this sort of thing, it means that I don't fully trust them, and if I didn't fully trust them, then I definitely wouldn't be considering adding in any D/S to the relationship at that point in time. It takes me a very long time to trust someone, but if it's going to happen, it does happen.

So, I think that unless he's willing to talk about it, it probably means that there's not just a "wanting to not lose you" issue, but a trust issue. Or maybe it's the same thing. And maybe he does have desires that he is suppressing, and is terrified of them and not ready to deal with admitting them even to himself just yet.

This means that your main task isn't going to be to try to force him to open up more, but to do things that encourage him to trust you more. It's going to require a lot of patience on your part, probably, due to a lot of the things other people have already written, and it's up to you to decide how much time you're willing to give him.

How much can you accept? Be honest with yourself on this, on both sides: make sure that you are being fair to yourself and to him, not just one or the other. How important is having D/S in the relationship at this point? For me, I think it's not as important as it is with others, judging by some of the responses I've seen on other posts, since I'm very good at taking care of those needs myself. It probably helps that I'm a switch and am also very good at keeping paradoxes in my mind.

I also agree with Jim. As an aside to that, try to find out what he does like (and is willing to admit to liking) and do those things for him. That's advice I got from the Five Love Languages (forgot the author, but it's ironically a Catholic priest) and it makes sense. If you see someone else taking the effort to meet your needs, you are more likely to find out what you can do to meet theirs.

He may never be able to give you all you want in the BDSM realm but his trying is at least a step in the right direction. Even if he is only doing it so he doesn't lose you, isn't that an outward sign of how much he wants and loves you?

In time, if you take baby steps, he my be able to make you happy but I can tell you for sure it won't happen over night. You may have to show him how much you appreciate his efforts to date and just keep encouraging him to experiment a little further each time.

Still, as others have said, because of his upbringing he may never be able to give you all you want or need. If you decide that is the case then you are the one that has to make a choice. He has made his by trying, in my opinion.

For the most part, men and women just don't communicate in the same ways (how's that for stating the obvious?). There are exceptions, I know. But in this instance with cadence, and in mine, and sooooo many others, we aren't the exception. I would love to think that a marathon sit-down-and-discuss-BDsM-and-how-it-defines-our-relationship conversation would be part of the routine, but it isn't gonna be. And as I don't wish to see that look on my husband's face one more time when I bring the topic up yet again, I have taken a different approach in communicating with him about this. My husband is quite the visual thing (again, not an exception), so I take pictures...my red from a good spanking ass, my breasts if I happen to get lucky enough to get a bruise or two, my face if he...umm, leaves a deposit, I'll say...and I attach notes to them. "I love how you make me feel when you do this to me", "This makes me want you so much", "More? Please??" and so on and so on. He seems to really appreciate them (of course he does) and what's more, he is losing some of the inhibitions (the "nice-guy" syndrome) that have been holding him back from just letting go and being in the D/s moment.

It's not a replacement for the face-to-face conversations that so need to be had, but as Warbaby said, "baby steps". Just an idea that has been a positive for me.

I can empathize with your feelings, so I wish you all the very best as you and your boyfriend try to become in this.

tessa

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Originally Posted by tessa

For the most part, men and women just don't communicate in the same ways (how's that for stating the obvious?). There are exceptions, I know. But in this instance with cadence, and in mine, and sooooo many others, we aren't the exception. I would love to think that a marathon sit-down-and-discuss-BDsM-and-how-it-defines-our-relationship conversation would be part of the routine, but it isn't gonna be. And as I don't wish to see that look on my husband's face one more time when I bring the topic up yet again, I have taken a different approach in communicating with him about this. My husband is quite the visual thing (again, not an exception), so I take pictures...my red from a good spanking ass, my breasts if I happen to get lucky enough to get a bruise or two, my face if he...umm, leaves a deposit, I'll say...and I attach notes to them. "I love how you make me feel when you do this to me", "This makes me want you so much", "More? Please??" and so on and so on. He seems to really appreciate them (of course he does) and what's more, he is losing some of the inhibitions (the "nice-guy" syndrome) that have been holding him back from just letting go and being in the D/s moment.

It's not a replacement for the face-to-face conversations that so need to be had, but as Warbaby said, "baby steps". Just an idea that has been a positive for me.

I can empathize with your feelings, so I wish you all the very best as you and your boyfriend try to become in this.

tessa

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what a great way to communicate

I have been busy with work, and have had little time for myself to actually write any repsonse to this thread.
I am taking this small time frame I have right now to thank everyone for thier thoughts, advice and suggestions.
It is always appreciated.
I only wish things were at times, cut and dry with no complications, but such is life. And of course life is what I will make it out to be.
I am not completely unhappy with my situation, but more confused and concerned that I make demands or ask things of my other half, and then realize later on that he is really not all that accepting of it, or that I may have pushed too hard or demanded too much.
I have lots of time, patience and am willing to wait and see, I do not wish to leave and wreck a perfectly good frienship/relationship, because I may in turn be selfish.
I think that time, effort and a little bit of hard earned communication, will eventually pay off for me.

And of course the advice I do receive here does help out a substantial amount.

I use a note book to try and explain how i am feeling to him then at least you can get your thoughts in order BEfore trying to make him understand! I know i am having a hard time getting him past the "niceGuy" too

i have found that during bondage sessions with my subs that i can always learn more about thier sexual desires when they are at the verge of orgasm. at these times i slow or stop just short of them orgasmming and ask them about thier sexual desires and not letting them orgasm till they have shared some deeper desire that they will not share openly at any other moment . then i work off of this desire on our next encounter. by taking little baby steps you can learn quite a lot .
i have also used porno movies during forplay and payed close attention to what was going on in the movie when my parter became totally arosed .One girl i dated was a total prude about women on women things but when we watched the pornos this was when she would become very excited and little by little she admitted that it was something she really desires but was ashamed of wantting . You could use this porno thing in reverce and let your parter see how excited you get dureing the acts you desire him to perform on you . when he sees that getting spanked really gets you hot he may feel freer to try this himself

And then there are times like these that frustrate me the most, I have tried writing it down, and I know he reads all that I write here.
I have tried showing him how much I like what he tries to do at times. I have tried pictures.... anything visual.
And all to a blank stare and confusion about what I want on his part.
There are times when I feel like I should give up, but of course I won't do that.
Today I am frustrated with it and need a little reassurance that it will eventually work out the way I wanted it to in the first place.
And then the reality of it is that this is going to be a long haul, I don't know how long I can do this. It has already been a year with very little improvement.
What am I doing wrong?

I wish I could offer you words of encouragement. I went through this with my now ex-husband. You can guess how that went....

Anyway, some people just aren't into it and never will be, and no amount of encouragement can change that. It's time to have a heart to heart talk and then decide if you're willing to continue the relationship.

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Flaming-Redhead
Anyway, some people just aren't into it and never will be, and no amount of encouragement can change that. It's time to have a heart to heart talk and then decide if you're willing to continue the relationship.

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Thanks for that. I already know what I have to do, and yes we have had that heart to heart, but he is good at logic and can give all the reasons that I am wrong about this whole scenario. I think he has my best interests at heart and does sympathize. But in the end I will never be happy with settling, and I need to convey that message.
I guess that I am at an impasse and need to get control of it.

Am I being that selfish?

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Am I being that selfish?

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Not at all. Why should you have to settle and risk tremendous unhappiness? You want what you want, and there's nothing wrong with that. If it is truly a need that he can't satisfy, where do you see the relationship in 5 years or 10 years? Life is too short to waste it being unhappy.

For me it took the prospect of a divorce from the woman I love.It was not easy for my wife to come out with what she needed she would hint around and I never really listened to her.At first I had tons of concerns about the variuos activities being afraid I was going to degrade her and such it took alot of help from her on her part to explain that calling her my little slut was not calling her a slut.I took sometime to rationalize things like that. I can understand his fear of "hurting" you or your feelings.Remember all of our lives we have been programmed to never hit a woman to never be mean to them at all so it takes time.

cadence, I don't think it's selfish of you to need what you need. You are being brave to admit it to yourself and him in the first place. Too often, we keep our desires all bottled up and refuse to even allow the other person in far enough to see if it will work or not. I know I did anyway. You shared the deepest part of yourself with your boyfriend. You're not wrong for wanting this, and although he is missing out with you BIG time, he isn't wrong for not wanting it. You two are just different. The wrong thing, in my little opinion, is to settle for less than you want and need. Doing that will just end up hurting you both even more.

I wish this were easier for you. ~hugs~

tessa