want criticism an pointers on this story

I hope its okay that i posted this here, i'm a bit nervous cause i've never really let anyone read anything that i've wrote. So here goes nothing.


“

Hell Farm”

“ The less that you fight it the less it’ll hurt,” he told the girl that laid before him tied down to a saw horse.

The girl struggled to look behind her and see what the man was getting ready to do, she heard a lid pop open then she felt a slimy substance being smeared on her anus. It was clear that the man was going to penetrate her anally. It took the man a few moments to decide which one of his instruments he was going to use. The decision was finally made on an over sized black butt plug.

“This isn’t going to hurt much,” the man said smearing some lube on the giant plug. “here we go.”

The girl began to wriggle an squirm as she felt the pressure of the plug being pressed against her anus.

“Please stop,” the girl begged as she felt the plug begin to force its way into her stretching her anus muscles further then they had ever been stretched before. “I’m going to rip ope…n…. Ahhhh.”

The plug slowly slid into place stretching the girls anus beyond its limits as some red began to show from tearing. It was now time to let her rest an become accustomed to the giant in her, but not before her breast were tormented as well. He turned to his cart an wheeled it in front of the girl so she could get a good eye full of the devices before he used them on her breast.

“I just can not stand to see a pair of tits like yours with out some jewelry in them,” The man said picking up a pair of piercing forceps and a needle from his table. “don’t move so I can get them in straight.”

The man knelt down in front of the girl an clamped one of her firm nipples in the pliers, leaning back for a moment to take a look an see if it was straight the man picked up a wooden cork from his cork an placed it on one side of her nipple an proceeded to push the needle through the other side.

“mmmmmmm,” the girl whimpered as the man pushed the needle through causing the girl to sweat in pain. “Why are you doing this to me?”

The man ignored her an reached behind him for a ring to push through the new hole in her nipple. Once the jewelry was in place the man removed the clamp an proceeded to pierce the other nipple. After her other nipple was pierced she was left alone to get acquainted to the new jewelry she had in her nipples and the plug in her anus that was now aching.


Chapter 2




The girl laid tied helpless to the old saw horse in the tobacco barn waiting for her capturer to return an see what else he had in store for her. Her name was Amber, a professional woman that sported fiery red hair that came down to about her bra strap an a set of perky c sized tits that now ached due to the new jewelry. Amber laid there an tried to ponder as to where she might have ran into her capturer before but there was no alarms going off in her head.

“Someone has to come looking for me,” she thought to her self. “I am not going to die here.”

What Amber didn’t know was that the man had no intension to kill her but to break her spirit an once he did take her to his home an use her body in what ever way he pleased. She could tell that the man had been doing this for some time due to all the clothes pilled in one corner of the barn that a family of mice were now climbing on making a home out of. The man finally returned but this time he had a female in his company that wore only a pair of black high heel shoes and a steel collar that had several other rings placed evenly on the outside.

“How did you sleep my dear,” The man asked caressing ambers face with the back of his hand. “I brought someone for you to play with. Tiffany remove the plug and untie her.”

Tiffany slowly moved to the rear of the girl and gently began to tug on the plug, Amber squirmed in pain as the giant began to inch slowly out of her stretching her anus beyond its limits once again. Finally the plug was out of her anus relieving her muscles. Tiffany then went over to the cart an sat the giant down an picked up a surgical scalpel to cut Ambers limbs free of the ropes that bound her to the horses.

“Before she cuts you loose I want you to know that you are far away from any civilization and it will be pointless for you to run or scream so I’d advise you to save your energy cause you’ll be needing it,” The man said pulling a cigarette from his shirt pocket an lighting it with a gold Zippo lighter. “Go ahead Tiffany.”

Tiffany bent over an gently began to cut the ropes from ambers ankles first. Ambers legs fell to the ground life less, it was such a relief to have her legs free again. She then cut her wrist loose. Amber laid there for a moment to be sure she had gained full function in her legs so she could stand.

“Bring her over her,” The man said.

Tiffany grabbed amber by the hair and pulled her off of the saw horse before she had a chance to get her feet under her self . Amber kicked and struggled to get to her feet before her hair was ripped from her head. The man grabbed up Amber in one swift move by her arm lifting her to her feet.

“Please don’t hurt me,” Amber pleaded “I’ll do what ever you want.”

“It isn’t as much fun if you don’t fight it,” the man said. “Well see if your still so willing after Tiffany’s done with you. Take her to the post.”

Edits are in either bold, italics or a different color.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Shecallsmemaster

I hope its okay that i posted this here, i'm a bit nervous cause i've never really let anyone read anything that i've wrote. So here goes nothing.


“

Hell Farm”

“ The less that you fight it, the less it’ll hurt,” he told the girl that laid before him tied down to a saw horse. . . . he told the girl tied to a sawhorse before him.

The girl struggled to look behind her and see what the man was getting ready to do; she heard a lid pop open and felt a slimy substance being smeared on her anus. It was clear that the man was going to penetrate her anally. It took the man a few moments to decide which one of his instruments he was going to use. The decision was finally made on an over sized black butt plug.He finally decided on an over-sized black butt plug.

“This isn’t going to hurt much,” the man said, smearing some lube on the giant plug, “here we go.”

The girl began to wriggle andsquirm as she felt the pressure of the plug being pressed against her anus.

“Please stop,” the girl begged as she felt the plug begin to force its way into her, stretching her anus muscles further then they had ever been stretched before. “I’m going to rip ope…n…. Ahhhh.”

The plug slowly slid into place stretching the girls anus beyond its limits as some red began to show from tearing. It was now time to let her rest an become accustomed to the giant in her, but not before her breasts were tormented as well. He turned to his cart and wheeled it in front of the girl so she could get a good eye full of the devices before he used them on her breasts.

“I just can not stand to see a pair of tits like yours with out some jewelry in them,” the man said picking up a pair of piercing forceps and a needle from his table. “Don’t move so I can get them in straight.”

The man knelt down in front of the girl and clamped one of her firm nipples in the pliers, leaning back for a moment to take a look an (unnecessary words) see if it was straight. The man picked up a wooden cork from his cork and placed it on one side of her nipple and proceeded to (unnecessary words) pushed the needle through the other side.

“Mmmmmmmm,” the girl whimpered as the man pushed the needle through causing the girl to sweat in pain. “Why are you doing this to me?”

The man ignored her and reached behind him for a ring to push through the new hole in her nipple. Once the jewelry was in place the man removed the clamp and proceeded to (unnecessary) pierced the other nipple. After her other nipple was pierced she was left alone to get acquainted to the new jewelry she had in her nipples and the plug in her anus that was now aching.
After he had finished her second nipple, he left her alone to get acquainted with her new jewelry and the plug in her aching anus.


Chapter 2




The girl laid tied helpless helplessly tied to the old saw horse in the tobacco barn waiting for her capturer captor to return and see what else he had in store for her. Her name was Amber, a professional woman that whosported fiery red hair that came down to about her bra strap and a set of perky c sized tits that now (unnecessary) ached due to the new jewelry. Amber laid there an (unnecessary)tried to ponder as to (unnecessary)where she might have ran into her capturer captor before but there was were no alarms going off in her head.

“Someone has to come looking for me,” she thought to her self. “I am not going to die here.”

What Amber didn’t know was that the man had no intension to kill her but to break her spirit an once he did (unnecessary) take her to his home an use her body in what ever way he pleased. She could tell that the man had been doing this for some time due to all the clothes pilled in one corner of the barn that a family of mice were now climbing on making a home out of. The pile of clothes in the corner, that a family of mice had settled nicely, told her he had been doing this a long time. The man finally returned but this time he had a female in his company that wore only a pair of black high heel shoes and a steel collar that had several other rings placed evenly on the outside.

“How did you sleep my dear,” The man asked caressing Ambers face with the back of his hand. “I brought someone for you to play with. Tiffany remove the plug and untie her.”

Tiffany slowly moved to the rear of the girl and gently began to tug on the plug; Amber squirmed in pain as the giant began to inch slowly out of her stretching her anus beyond its limits once again. Finally the plug was out of her anus relieving her muscles. Tiffany then went over to the cart and sat the giant down an picked up a surgical scalpel to cut Ambers limbs free of the ropes that bound her to the horses. Tiffany replaced the giant on the cart and selected a scalpel to cut Amber's bonds.

“Before she cuts you loose, I want you to know that you are far away from any civilization and it will be pointless for you to run or scream so I’d advise you to save your energy because you’ll be needing it,” The man said, pulling a cigarette from his shirt pocket an lighting it with a gold Zippo lighter. “Go ahead Tiffany.”

Tiffany bent over an gently began to cut the ropes from ambers ankles first. Ambers legs fell to the ground life less, it was such a relief to have her legs free again. She then cut her wrist loose. Amber laid there for a moment to be sure she had gained full function in her legs so she could stand.

“Bring her over here,” The man said.

Tiffany grabbed Amber by the hair and pulled her off of the saw horse before she had a chance to get her feet under herself . Amber kicked and struggled to get to her feet before her hair was ripped from her head. The man grabbed up Amber by her arm lifting her to her feet in one swift move .

“Please don’t hurt me,” Amber pleaded “I’ll do what ever you want.”

“It isn’t as much fun if you don’t fight it,” the man said. “Well see if your still so willing after Tiffany’s done with you. Take her to the post.”

---

There is a quick and dirty edit. Good storyline so far. Keep it coming.

Reminds me of my english papers in high school all the red, i'll be the first to admit I love to write but I suck at wording things,punctuations, and a few other odd an end things. I guess that's why i'm here is to learn how to do all that. Thanks for all the editing dragon's muse I know it took you some time.

Writing is the hard part, editing is just details. That is why Goddess made editors.

r

You've got a really good flow to your language which makes it a very easy read, which is quite an art. Good work.

It's quite good and my only real critisism is regarding the lack of description of her feelings. I would like to know how she feels. I want to get into her head. I want to feel what she feels. I want to look out through her eyes. Smell with her nose.

It's a good story. Please keep going. I'd love to read the rest of it.

ps! Don't be nervous. Just by taking this leap it allready makes you a winner. The people who never try are the ones who never fail. But I understand. I'm just the same way. It's terrifying having your work picked apart.

I would've liked to read more details... sounds she made... the way the ropes bit into her flesh..

I did like some of the details... the pile of clothes with mice... i loved how you started the story..

Who is tiffany, and what is her relation to the man? Is it his daughter he dresses up... a friend that likes to dress like a submissive... another slave of his...

Whenever I read detail like "took out his gold zippo lighter" it makes me think you took the time to say it was a gold zippo for a reason.. and then it wasnt used .. maybe it will be later?

Other than that, great start! Keep it up friend!
-Haelix

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Haelix

Whenever I read detail like "took out his gold zippo lighter" it makes me think you took the time to say it was a gold zippo for a reason.. and then it wasnt used .. maybe it will be later?

---

That's like the Shakespear quote. Anything that doesn't add to the story is taken out. Wise words but hard to do.

Hi,

Well, you're going to think I'm being really nit picky here, and you'll probably be right. You're also going to think this is the kettle calling the pot black, because I'm absolutely hopeless at editing my own work, and you'll be right again. :)

Now, I agree with everything that's been said here--it really could use a whole lot more detail. Her fear; the smell of the tobacco shed, your characters' actions and reactions. There are lots of opportunities for descriptions that you need to pick up and run with.

I think, too, perhaps you could rethink your use of 'the man' and 'the girl". It feels very repeditive to me. Maybe you could introduce Amber's name earlier?

You might also like to consider changing many of those passive 'was' sentences. E. g. It was clear that the man was going to penetrate her anally. (passive) This would have more umph as: Clearly, he intended to penetrate her anally. (active)

Please bear in mind that these are just my thoughts and opinons.

My suggestons are in blue. Bold to add, underlined to remove, and comments and suggestions in brackets. I hope it all makes sense, I didn't realise I couldn't cut and paste url coded text from my word program. Dragon muse's notes are now plain black and I may have forgotten to change some of my text to blue, so I hope it all makes sense. :)

I wish you all the best with your writing.

Alex :)


“ The less that you fight it, the less it’ll hurt,” he told the girl that laid before him tied down to a saw horse. . . . he told the girl tied to a sawhorse before him.

The girl struggled to look behind her and ](to) see what the man was getting ready to do; she heard a lid pop open and then felt a slimy substance being smeared on her anus. It was clear that he the man was going to penetrate her anally. (two 'was' s in this sentence.) It took the man a few moments to decide which one of his instruments he (would) was going to use. The decision was finally made on an over sized black butt plug. He finally decided on an over-sized black butt plug.

“This isn’t going to hurt much,” the man said , smearing some lube on the giant plug, “here we go.” (I don't know, his dialog alll seems a bit flat to me. I mean he's a sadistic bastard, right? Yet, he's sounds just like my gynaecologist! "This isn't going to hurt much," he said, with an evil smirk. "So, take it all bitch!" (We already know it's huge so you don't need to keep telling us)

The girl began to wriggle and squirm as she felt the pressure of the plug being pressed against her anus.

“Please stop,” the girl begged as she felt it the plug ]being forced into her, stretching her anus muscles further than then it they had ever been stretched before. “I’m going to rip ope…n…. Ahhhh.” (I would changed the plug to "it", because you don't need to keep saying "the plug")

The plug slowly slid into place stretching the girl's girls anus beyond its limits as some red began to show from tearing (?? Red raw?) It was now time to let her rest an become accustomed to it [U]the giant [/U]in her, but not before her breasts had been tormented as well. He turned to his cart and wheeled it in front of the girl , he wanted her to so she could get a good look/view eye fullof the devices before he used them on her breasts.

“I just can not stand to see a pair of tits like yours with out some jewelry in them,” the man said picking up a pair of piercing forceps and a needle from his table. “Don’t move so I can get them in straight.” (Oh, yea, sure like as if she's not going to move. Also, I see you dont always used contraction on your dialog. Most people would say I just can't... rather than, I can not... )

The man knelt down in front of the girl and clamped one of her firm nipples in the pliers, leaning back for a moment to take a look an (unnecessary words) see if it wasthey were straight. The man picked up a wooden cork from his cork ?? and placed it on one side of her nipple and proceeded to (unnecessary words) pushed the needle through the other side.

“Mmmmmmmm,” the girl whimpered as the man pushed the needle through causing the girl to sweat in pain. “Why are you doing this to me?” (Now, I've never had my nipples pierced, but if I had, I just bet that wouldn't have been my reaction. People who've had it done say it's excrutiating!!!!)

The man ignored her and reached behind him for a ring to push through the new hole in her nipple. Once the jewelry was in place the man removed the clamp and proceeded to (unnecessary) pierced the other one/side nipple. (Two nipples too close together is a cluttered read) After her other nipple (Three nipples if you count this one too) was pierced she was left alone to get acquainted to the new jewelry she had in her nipples (Four in fact!) and the plug in her anus that was now aching. (Btw, Dagon's muse, I don't agree that "proceeded to" is unnecessary here, but feel free to disagree with me--you won't be first or last :)) (SCMM, when you use the same noun or verb over and over in a space of just few sentence, it begins to feel cluttered)After he had finished her second nipple, he left her alone to get acquainted with her new jewelry and the plug [U]in her aching anus{/U].

Chapter 2

The girl laid tied helpless helplessly tied to the old saw horse in the tobacco barn waiting for her capturer captor to return and see what else he had in store for her. Her name was Amber, a professional woman that who fiery red hair that came down to about her bra strap and a set of perky c sized tits that now (unnecessary) ached due to the new jewelry. Amber laid there an (unnecessary)tried to ponder as to (unnecessary)where she might have ran into her capturer captor before but there was were no alarms going off in her head. (Don't use actual measurements, a lot of men, particularly, may not understand them. Take my other half--a typical male, he knows exactly what big round tits look like, but he woudn't have a clue about 'c's. )

“Someone has to come looking for me,” she thought to her self. “I am not going to die here.” (Who else would she be thinking it to? ;) )

What Amber didn’t know was that the man had no [B]intention {B]intension to kill of killing kill her. Instead he planned to break her spirit, and once he had,did (unnecessary) take her to his home and use her body in what ever way he pleased. She could tell that the man had been doing this for some time due to all the clothes pilled in one corner of the barn that a family of mice were now climbing on making a home out of. The pile of clothes in the corner, that a family of mice had settled nicely, told her he had been doing this a long time. The man finally returned but this time he had a female in his company that wore only a pair of black high heel shoes and a steel collar that had several other rings placed evenly on the outside. (Sorry but this sentence reads kind of clumsily to me) Finally he returned but not alone. A female, wearing nothing but..., accompanied him.

“How did you sleep my dear,” The man asked caressing Ambers face with the back of his hand. “I brought someone for you to play with. Tiffany remove the plug and untie her.”

Tiffany slowly moved to the rear of the girl and gently began to tug on the plug; Amber squirmed in pain as the giant began to inch slowly out of her stretching her anus beyond its limits once again. Finally it the plug was out of her anus relieving her muscles. Tiffany then went over to the cart and sat the giant down an picked up a surgical scalpel to cut Ambers limbs free of the ropes that bound her to the horses. Tiffany replaced the giant on the cart and selected a scalpel to cut Amber's bonds. (See, this is a good example of what we mean by more detail. Readers will want to know exactly how the plug came out-- sight, sound, and feelings. Also when Tiffany cuts the ropes away, did she tease Amber a little with the scalpel first? Is she sympathetic towards Amber, or is she as sadistic as her master? )

“Before she cuts you loose, I want you to know that you are far away from any civilization. It would and it will be pointless for you to run or scream, so I’d advise you to save your energy because you’ll be needing it,” (I could be wrong but I think this was correct as 'the' , asi it's a continuation.)The man said, pulling a cigarette from his shirt pocket an lighting it with a gold Zippo lighter. “Go ahead Tiffany.”

Tiffany bent over an gently began to cut the ropes from ambers ankles first. Ambers legs fell to the ground life less lifeless, it was such a relief to have her legs free again. She then cut her wrist loose. Amber laid there for a moment to be sure she had gained full function in her legs so she could stand. (you have used legs three times in three lines,again, that's really too much)

“Bring her over here,” the The man said.

Tiffany grabbed Amber by the hair and pulled her off of the saw horse before she had a chance to get on her feet. her feet under herself . Amber kicked and struggled to get to her feet before her hair was ripped from her head. The man grabbed up Amber by her arm lifting her to her feet in one swift move . (This para reads very awkwardly to me. Look, it could be just me, but it sounds like her hair really was ripped off her head once she was on her feet.)

“Please don’t hurt me,” Amber pleaded “I’ll do what ever you want.”

“It isn’t as much fun if you don’t fight it,” the man said. “Well see if your still so willing after Tiffany’s done with you. Take her to the post.” (I have to agree with the man here, it isn't much fun if she doesn't fight, is it?)

OK, it's got a few little glitches, but it's an interesting start for sure.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

That's like the Shakespear quote. Anything that doesn't add to the story is taken out. Wise words but hard to do.

---

"If you pull out a gun in Act One, somebody better be dead by Act Three." Or something like that :)

anonymouse