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Setting: Coffee Shop
Characters: Two ex-lovers, maybe they were each others soulmates but circumstances broke them apart or maybe they just had a One night fling, you decide.
The Challenge: You can have one paragraph of description/narration/exposition at the beginning and and another paragraph at the end. In between the two, the story must play out completely in DIALOGUE.
Bon chance.
Is description in dialogue sentance allowable? For instance ...." she said, or ...." he said in a soft voice?
yes, but please use as sparingly as possible.
Apologies for delay been a busy time for me.
It was a sunny day In Edinburgh. Deborah was on her way to work after a funny sort of a night. She’d met a guy at a party who had told her about the BDSM scene in Edinburgh. It had sparked something in her and she had listened to him for ages as he had answered her many questions. He listened, as she came to the realisation that she would love to become a submissive. So they had gone back to her flat and talked, lying on her bed till the early hours. Then fast hard needy passion, but in the morning he was gone. She wondered if she would meet him again somewhere as she stopped in to her regular shop for her morning coffee to take to work. As she did so her phone rang.
“Hello Debs here?”
“You know who this is don’t you?”
“Yes, it’s Steve isn’t it?”
“Very good Deborah. Please call me Sir in future.”
“I didn’t expect to hear from you again.”
“Pardon.”
“Sorry, Sir.”
“That’s better. Well you have and I recall what you asked for. You wanted me to be your mentor your Dom. You said you wanted this more than anything.”
“But I thought when you weren’t there this morning you had run out on me.”
“Perhaps it is best if you don’t make assumptions abut me Deborah.” He paused a moment. “Now you have a choice.”
“Yes Sir?”
“Good. Either you can hang up and forget you met me last night and I will never bother you again, or you will follow every instruction I now give you, to the letter and see what awaits you.”
“I don’t underst…”
“Listen Deborah; and listen carefully. Do not interrupt and follow my instructions to the letter. Do you understand now?”
“Yes.”
“Yes what, Deborah?”
“Yes Sir.”
“That is your last chance Deborah, I expect you to learn and learn quickly. I will not tolerate lack of concentration. Now you are sitting in the ‘Cuban Coffee House’ I believe. Tell me what you have on today Deborah.”
“I have skirt and blouse on Sir.”
“A little more detail Deborah, don’t be so coy with me in future.”
“Okay, I am not to comfortable with this Sir, but I want to please you. I have a white semitransparent blouse, open neck. I have a black pencil skirt on knee length and black heels, but they are low.”
“And Deborah?”
“And black underwear: matching, bra and briefs Sir.”
“Good Deborah. Now listen and listen well. I will give you a minute to do what I ask of you. If I don’t hear from you within the minute I will hang up and it is the last you will hear from me. Now take your briefs of and tell me when you have done it.”
“But I don’t have time to…”
“Time is running Deborah.”
“Okay, done it Sir.”
“Very good. I am impressed. Take a moment, I can here you breathing heavily and tell me how that made you feel.”
“Thank you Sir. I just panicked really, Heart raced and I just decided to go for it and to hell with it. Edged them over my hips by putting hand inside waist band and then hitched my skirt up a little to pull them over my hips to my knees and then kneeled down as if picking something up to complete the job. My heart is pounding and I am looking to see if anyone noticed. My face is red and I am getting a few looks Sir.”
“Now sit down and you have another sixty seconds to remove your bra. Go Deborah.”
“Sir, you still there?”
“Yes but that was close.”
“The catch caught on my blouse as I pulled it under my blouse, sorry Sir.”
“No need to be sorry Deborah. Now call the waiter.”
“Doing it now Sir.”
“When he comes order a coffee and as him to get rid of your underwear.”
“And at all times I want you to ignore the sensation of your nipples brushing against the material of your blouse. In fact sit up straight. Do you feel it Deborah?”
“Oh yes I do Sir. Please don’t make me.”
“Do not think about your nipples gently swelling Deborah, ignore the tingling and the looks the waiter is giving you now as you give him your underwear. That’s right put it from your mind.”
“Please Sir he couldn’t take his eyes off my chest, let me put a jacket on.”
“No Deborah. Tell me how you feel.”
“My heart is pounding. My nipples actually ache already. There are butterflies in stomach. I feel excited and kinda dirty naughty at the same time Sir”
“Excellent Deborah. You have done well so far and in such a short time.”
“Now you are to walk towards the door. Arms by your side and walk confidently. The first man you see in a hat you are to kiss. Then phone me back and we will see where this leads Deborah.”
“Yes Sir, but when…..” The line was dead.
She braced herself and picking up her purse she got up. She took a moment to take stock of what had just happened. Her mind a swirl she straightened up and walked to the door. She could feel her breasts sway gently as she did so and she was aware her nipples were sensitive as hell. Good why had he told her to not think about them? As she got to the door she noticed a man in a hat standing back to her. She took a deep breath and deciding to go for it she tapped him lightly on the shoulder. He turned and smiled at her pretty face.
“Steve!”
WOW
Can't think of anything else but WOW
Hugs and smiles
minxy xx
Snowdoggie,
I liked the story and want to say wow, but I need practice at editing and decided to make you my first victim. I am doing it here so that Muse can come behind me and clean up the mess I make. If I seem harsh it is becasue i am learning, and not because the story is bad. In fact, I like it, I just saw some things while reading and winced.
Spelling, realizationQuote:
Originally Posted by Snowdoggie
Word use, should be until.Quote:
So they had gone back to her flat and talked, lying on her bed till the early hours.
Needs a comma after morning.Quote:
Then fast hard needy passion, but in the morning he was gone.
Comma after the word so.Quote:
She wondered if she would meet him again somewhere as she stopped in to her regular shop for her morning coffee to take to work. As she did so her phone rang.
Should use its here instead of it's.Quote:
“Hello Debs here?”
“You know who this is don’t you?”
“Yes, it’s Steve isn’t it?”
Shoud be too. This word can be tricky, and the rules are not as simple as they seem. I always have to think about this one.Quote:
“Very good Deborah. Please call me Sir in future.”
“I didn’t expect to hear from you again.”
“Pardon.”
“Sorry, Sir.”
“That’s better. Well you have and I recall what you asked for. You wanted me to be your mentor your Dom. You said you wanted this more than anything.”
“But I thought when you weren’t there this morning you had run out on me.”
“Perhaps it is best if you don’t make assumptions abut me Deborah.” He paused a moment. “Now you have a choice.”
“Yes Sir?”
“Good. Either you can hang up and forget you met me last night and I will never bother you again, or you will follow every instruction I now give you, to the letter and see what awaits you.”
“I don’t underst…”
“Listen Deborah; and listen carefully. Do not interrupt and follow my instructions to the letter. Do you understand now?”
“Yes.”
“Yes what, Deborah?”
“Yes Sir.”
“That is your last chance Deborah, I expect you to learn and learn quickly. I will not tolerate lack of concentration. Now you are sitting in the ‘Cuban Coffee House’ I believe. Tell me what you have on today Deborah.”
“I have skirt and blouse on Sir.”
“A little more detail Deborah, don’t be so coy with me in future.”
“Okay, I am not to comfortable with this Sir, but I want to please you.
Quote:
I have a white semitransparent blouse, open neck. I have a black pencil skirt on knee length and black heels, but they are low.”
“And Deborah?”
“And black underwear: matching, bra and briefs Sir.”
“Good Deborah. Now listen and listen well. I will give you a minute to do what I ask of you. If I don’t hear from you within the minute I will hang up and it is the last you will hear from me.
This sentence breaks up the flow of the story because it reads awkward. Try something like this.
If you fail I will hang up, and you will not here from me again.
Waistband is one word, and you need a couple of commas. Should read like this:Quote:
Now take your briefs of and tell me when you have done it.”
“But I don’t have time to…”
“Time is running Deborah.”
“Okay, done it Sir.”
“Very good. I am impressed. Take a moment, I can here you breathing heavily and tell me how that made you feel.”
“Thank you Sir. I just panicked really, Heart raced and I just decided to go for it and to hell with it. Edged them over my hips by putting hand inside waist band then hitched my skirt up a little to pull them over my hips to my knees and then kneeled down as if picking something up to complete the job.
Edged them over my hips by putting hand inside waistband, then hitched my skirt up a little to pull them over my hips to my knees, and then kneeled down as if picking something up to complete the job.
Need a comma here.Quote:
My heart is pounding and I am looking to see if anyone noticed. My face is red and I am getting a few looks Sir.”
“Now sit down and you have another sixty seconds to remove your bra. Go Deborah.”
“Sir, you still there?”
“Yes but that was close.”
“The catch caught on my blouse as I pulled it under my blouse, sorry Sir.”
“No need to be sorry Deborah. Now call the waiter.”
“Doing it now Sir.”
“When he comes order a coffee and as him to get rid of your underwear.”
This is a fragment, but as it is dialog there is some flexiblity as people often do takl in incoplete sentences, there are a few of them in this story, but this one is the longest and probably should be fixed.
“And at all times I want you to ignore the sensation of your nipples brushing against the material of your blouse. In fact sit up straight.
This should be a semi colon, you are joining two complete thoughts.Quote:
Do you feel it Deborah?”
“Oh yes I do Sir. Please don’t make me.”
“Do not think about your nipples gently swelling Deborah, ignore the tingling and the looks the waiter is giving you now as you give him your underwear.
Another one of those pesky commas.Quote:
That’s right put it from your mind.”
“Please Sir he couldn’t take his eyes off my chest, let me put a jacket on.”
“No Deborah. Tell me how you feel.”
“My heart is pounding. My nipples actually ache already. There are butterflies in stomach. I feel excited and kinda dirty naughty at the same time Sir”
“Excellent Deborah. You have done well so far and in such a short time.”
“Now you are to walk towards the door. Arms by your side and walk confidently. The first man you see in a hat you are to kiss. Then phone me back and we will see where this leads Deborah.”
“Yes Sir, but when…..” The line was dead.
She braced herself and picking up her purse she got up.
Shouldn't this sentence read:Quote:
She took a moment to take stock of what had just happened. Her mind a swirl she straightened up and walked to the door. She could feel her breasts sway gently as she did so and she was aware her nipples were sensitive as hell. Good why had he told her to not think about them?
God, why had he told her to not think about them?
Actually, there is another of those pesky grammer rules here, a split infinitive, but she is rattled and would be thinking like this, in my opinion, but is only safe to break the rules if you know about them. Try this to be grammatical.
God, why had he told her not to think about them?
Commas after both of the words in red.Quote:
As she got to the door she noticed a man in a hat standing back to her. She took a deep breath and deciding to go for it she tapped him lightly on the shoulder. He turned and smiled at her pretty face.
All in all an excellant story, well plotted and concise. Not what I was expecting from the assignment, but that is between you and Muse.Quote:
“Steve!”
Rhabbi,
Excellent job of editing. The only thing i will give you little ding for is the spelling of realisation. Snow Doggie is from Scotland, and they do use the "s" rather than the "zed".
No worries about the time frame. i understand that the "real" world must take precedence at times.
This is a marvellous tale and i will stand by Rhabbi's editing with only a very few additions. You do a wonderful job with dialogue. You really tell the story well by letting the characters speak for themselves. i really enjoyed the ending twist, i never saw it coming.
OK, after the tiny little things, very minor, i am kicking you upstairs to Level II. Lots of the little things are commas, but dialogue is comma-intensive. Now i will email to get you access to level II.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Snowdoggie
OopsQuote:
Originally Posted by Dragon's muse
hey, i am collared to one of them so he is also pointing out my "errors". Until i point out to him that over here, he is the one who is making errors.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhabbi