Under training aka under construction

Ok so if i havent said it enough yet, let me say it again. i am under training. yay! *giggles*

This is my first real life 24/7 geared D/s training. Since i've been actively involved in the wonderful lifestyle that is BDSM, the most i've ever really done is some mild online training and a couple real life scenes.

But i prided myself on my extensive knowledge of the lifestyle and what i thought was, a good understanding of what it took to make a D/s relationship work.

Oh my, i was wrong on that last bit!

Now that i find myself in real life 24/7 training, my brat is showing quite horribly and on a regular basis. And it frustrates me because i've always disliked the submissives that proudly proclaim to be "brats". It's ok to be playful, fiesty and so on, but being outright purposefully bratty never seemed to ring as true submissiveness to me.

And now here i am.... being an ultimate brat. THE very definition of a bratty submissive. *sigh and looks ashamed*

I dont mean to be bratty, really, i just can't help but want to test my limits. i'm very stubborn and impatient.... and i realize i have these bad qualities but realization doesnt fix anything.

So i'm posting this thread here in the BDSM life forum in hopes to get some feedback from anyone and everyone about their thoughts on my situation. Maybe offer some advice and experiences.

How did other submissives take to their first real life 24/7 D/s or M/s training? What was the transition like? And same basic questions for the Doms......

thanks!!!

Congratulations Psy, and welcome back, yet again.

Let me tell you the most important thing I learned (quickly) when I began my r/l D/s relationship. It is a lot easier to be bratty when you aren't in arm's reach of Him.

When our relationship was still very new, I was certainly a brat at times. Partly because I was used to doing things my own way. And partly because I wanted to know where the boundaries were. Let me tell you, I found out in a hurry.

He told me that I seemed to be taking pride in being a brat, and being difficult to control, and warned me that over time I would either learn to control my behaviour or punishments would become harsher and more swift.

I still slip up. I certainly have a tendency to let my mouth get away from me. But I try my best to curtail the attention-seeking behaviour.

Another thing I learned.... when he asks you to do something, he really isn't asking. And the "now" is implied.

So I don't really have much advice for you, because I suspect your new Dom is going to handle this problem for you. But I understand where you are coming from. After a year online in the BDSM world, I thought I knew everything. Turns out I know nothing.

Everything is "more". More intense. More difficult. More fun. More fulfilling.

So take your time, and don't rush anything. Talk to your new Dom about how you are feeling, and what behaviours you want to change.

I am only three months in, so if you ever want to talk and compare notes, let me know.

thanks for the reply lily.... you always seem to know what to say. *smiles*

also i would enjoy comparing notes, so say, if you ever have the time, my YIM and MSN info is listed on my profile....

thanks a bunch!

Psy,
Good to see you again, long time no talk. I hope to soon be in the same situation as you and lily. So for now, I can't offer any advice other than to take it slow. Take care and have fun!!!

Psynymph, it is natural to want to test your limits as a sub, and a good Dom knows this and will train you with that in mind. It takes patience on both of your parts to make a relationship work, and you actually have to deal with cultural conditioning that makes you want to be totally equal with your Dom in all things. Your nature combats this, and makes your job confusing and difficult.

But take heart, with time you will outgroww the brattiness and move into total obedience.

after spending so long on my own being independant...it is hard to adjust....am still adjusting now...to some things...sometimes i dont think and do things off my own back without asking etc etc that sorta thing.... and then kick myself when it has been pointed out...because i shoulda known better.
you'll get there eventually......even the best subs still have some brattiness in them..is what keeps them and ther Masters on their toes

cg
xx

Being a brat eh? Well, may I remind you of what NOT having a dom was like? That alone should cure you of your inner-brat.

I see that your Dom has a thread asking for punishment ideas for you..... you are really screwed now girl!!!

I found that I really had to un-learn how I used to interact in vanilla relationships. I am still un-learning. I tend to have a quick wit (well, at least I think it is witty....) and something that might be cute and funny in a vanilla relationship, is bratty or even disrespectful in a D/s one.

Brattiness sure can be a fine line and many shades of grey. Here is the way I think of it:
There is the playful brat that may get you a smart smack on the butt or a task that is more fun than discipline. An example that comes to mind is if Master were to say to me "I am going to use the bathroom and I reply "I didn't hear you ask permission." It is certainly bratty, but Master knows it was in fun and has a hard time hiding his smile.
The next level may be to argue a point or to take too long to do something that was asked of me. This is not good submissive behavior, but it is usually not done with the intention of being disrespectful or disobedient. Just that sometimes that old vanilla girl escapes for a few minutes until Master gives a hard yank on the figurative (or maybe even literal) leash to remind her her of her place. This usually earns me a writing task of some sort.
The third level I would not refer to as brattiness at all. That is when a sub is willfully disobedient, dishonest or disloyal. This behavior can earn a submissive her walking papers, or if she is lucky a very strict punishment.
I have actually been guilty of all three levels, and let me tell you I have only done level three twice and both times were in the very first few months of my training period. I tried to test the waters and nearly drowned. I am very lucky to still be with my MstrDragon. :) "Peace" ~blizz~

Wonderfully put Blizzard. And I think Oz's post cuts to the quick - why we are obedient to them.

cariad

<<== winks at cariad knowingly.

first off neh at Oz :P lol

secondly, me and my now former Dom sat down and talked things out. W/we had had this same conversation now four times, me starting with that maybe O/our D/s styles just didn't match and Him not wanting to give up yet. i can't blame Him for not wanting to give up but when that conversation came up again, He conceded to my point.

so i'm no longer training, though W/we still remain very good friends, lol with excellant benefits ;) it was both of O/our first 24/7 real life D/s relationship and W/we both knew it was going to be hard, but W/we didn't factor in the idea that maybe W/we just simply wouldn't match.

i had moved up here to train with Him, up here being West Virginia, but this weekend i'll be going back to jacksonville. I plan to still see Him though, as friends, W/we'll still probably explore the more physical aspects of bdsm together.

i learned an immense amount from this experience. i got to try SO many new things. i got to further the more physical part of my experience with bdsm, plus it was a trial and error thing as far as the relationship goes.

i appreciate everyone's comments and all the advice was extremely helpful. ok well Oz's just scared me :P

but before this relationship, i had gotten to a point where i was just flat out ready to give up on the lifestyle aspect of bdsm. not that i want to be a scene-er but i was ready to give up on looking for a D/s relationship. then Azrael came along and well you know the rest.

now i think my earlier idea was probably a good one. of course everyone says you shouldn't give up, but i think for now it's best. i'm a very impatient, impulsive, strong-willed, stubborn person.... and although i realize i have these faults, it's extremely hard to fix them. plus i still have my husband and that entire situation to deal with, and i miss him and worry for him. and things like that certainly get in the way of another relationship.

so i'm taking a step back. i need to learn patience. i admire the people on here who are together in D/s relationships online for a long long time before they move to real time. i need to fully understand that everything isn't going to simply fall into place, in a certain amount of time for me.

this experience helped me understand a bit more what kind of submissive i am and what kind of Dom i believe i need, and at the appropriate time, i will put the knowledge to use.

but for now.... i'm just going to enjoy the community, continue to learn and grow as much as i can, and try to fix myself.

oh and don't worry.... you all will still have me bouncing around here!!!!

again thank you soooo much for your advice and comments. i really appreciate them all.

xoxoxoxox


p.s. that being said, fellow unowned subbies..... He's a GREAT guy, and i'm gonna try to get Him addicted to this site as well, so keep an eye for Him!!!!

You are right dearest kitten, this was an entire trial and error situation. We both have things we needed to work on, work out, etc. In time I think you will make a great sub for some lucky dom, perhaps one day a wonderful slave. Throughout my seven years in the lifestyle you have been my greatest "pupil" and I would be lying if I said losing you was -not- the greatest thing to look forward to.

Any way, I hope you do well in all you do, for I know you will. Though you can be bratty and sometimes misguided... you can also be the most caring, eager to learn, and intelligent "girl" one could ever hope to encounter. My best of luck to you dearest kitten....


Azrael

P.s. Ladies, she gives me far to much credit.

Quote:

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by Psynymph
so i'm taking a step back. i need to learn patience. i admire the people on here who are together in D/s relationships online for a long long time before they move to real time. i need to fully understand that everything isn't going to simply fall into place, in a certain amount of time for me.

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When you figure that out, will you clue me in, please??? Pretty please?? Seriously, my husband would be extremely grateful.

Quote:

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oh and don't worry.... you all will still have me bouncing around here!!!!

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Can I bounce with you? ;)

~hugs~

*grabs tessa by the hands and starts bouncing around with her*

look it's my lucky number post!!!!! the big 666!!!! oh someone needs to bless me! get a sexy priest in here!


oh and Azrael deserves all the credit i give Him.... the things i could tell you about Him... the things He did to me.... *purrs and drools a bit* oh yummmy....

<hugs nymphee> you better stick around!! I hope to be back soon myself so y'all better run and hide :eek:

You gave some great insight on the struggles, inner and outward nymph, thank you and you WILL find your way...I know it!


psst, tell me the secret when you do please :p

*huggles echos*

hey so i'm just kinda using this thread to vent at this point... i'm warning you all now... what is going to follow is probably gonna come off as whiny and i don't expect anyone to actually pay attention, though some may understand what i'm bitching about....


let me say first... that i'm back at home, in jacksonville, my home being the one i share with my husband. i've got my two little sisters (ages 10 and 12) here for their two week spring break ( year around school). i'm beyond happy to be spending time with them because they are both getting to that age where it all starts to really matter, where life starts to shape their personalities, opinions and outlook on life. and it's always been important to me to be there for them, because they have literally saved my life more than once. they are the two ONLY people in this entire world that i flat out refuse to disappoint. i would kill to keep them safe, i would steal and cheat to keep them happy, i would put my life completely on hold to help them. i would do all this without even thinking. they are my children. i've raised them, with my mom, since they were born. lol i was the "father" of the whole thing.....

anyway... so i'm back in jacksonville.....

i left my formorer Dom, Azrael, because i didn't believe W/we meshed on the D/s thing but also because i wanted to do things right for once. i've never been single. if i'm going to leave jake, then i need to have the patience and honor to do it the right way.

of course as soon as i set to this particular path.... my Dom before Azrael... Phoenix is what we'll call Him... called and told me everything i have always wanted to here from Him.....too bad He was too late in saying those things.

Both of these Doms are good Doms. Very capable. They were both very significant parts of my life and i learned an immense amount from each of Them.

And They both asked me to be Theirs. And They weren't the only ones..... as the saying goes....as soon as you dont want something, it's right there in your face. i'm not bragging. there is a point to all of this.

i've turned Them all down. why? because for some reason i no longer have the desire to submit... to anyone. is that even possible???? to longer wish to be submissive?? does that just... die out in a person, like a doused flame??? what is wrong with me?

for those that have reads my post about my bipolar disorder.... i kinda fixed that problem. i stopped taking birth control.... and everyone i know on a decently personal basis has noticed a dramatic change in my personality. they told me i just seem soooo much calmer. so much more relaxed, much easier to smile, less cynical. and looking back on things, it makes sense. i never even thought it could be the birth control, which i had changed consequently the around the same time my marriage started haveing problems. or rather i started having problems with my marriage.

it is possible that i was only submissive due to a chemical imbalance caused by the horomones of my birth control?

and if so... where the hell do i stand now? i am a happier person in general. it's hard to describe. i'm just so much less stressed out. i sleep a complete 6 to 7 hours but then i am awake. i don't have to struggle to get out of bed, i don't dread waking up and facing the day anymore. i no longer dread going to sleep because it means i have to wake up. my anger doesnt exist. i still get mad of course, but as soon as i manage to actually get good and angry i'm already over it. same for sadness. i still get hyper but lol as weird as it sounds... it's a calmer sort of hyper. not as intense and as long as my hyper moods were before. i'm productive, getting things done, accomplishing things throughout the day. i have the patience now to actually sit down and write out emails to all the people i never took the time to reply too. i no longer feel rushed to make myself 100% happy before i'm 25. my life has stretched out before me a lazy pleasant manner, allowing me to the patience to actually accomplish things.

but i'm no longer submissive. my sex drive doesnt exist now. i'm serious... i don't even have a desire to masterbate. *sigh* the phrase "you can't have it all" keeps repeating through my head, echoing.....

to be submissive or to be normal...... gee what a choice to make......

I paid attention and I didn't think it was one bit whiny.

You've been through a hell of a lot recently. Physically, you've been through so much these last several months. Emotionally, you've been through even more. Life has been throwing curve balls at you and it has got to be difficult to keep fielding them all. You've been up, you've been down, twisted and turned every which way. It amazes me that you seem to keep it together as you do. I know I couldn't do it.

Ok, so all that said, "what??", you ask. If you want my thought on it, here it is. Give yourself some time. Time to feel, time to process it all, time to breathe. See what you think afterwards.

I believe it's possible to be whoever you want to be and be normal in that.

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by Psynymph
i would kill to keep them safe, i would steal and cheat to keep them happy, i would put my life completely on hold to help them. i would do all this without even thinking. they are my children

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That's awesome. :)

Psy, my dear.... you just need to give yourself a break. You don't have to be everything to everyone all the time. Just allow yourself to be in the moment for a little while, without worrying about the larger repurcussions.

We all go through phases where we don't feel particularly submissive, or Dominant.... or sexual at all.

We all go through cycles, and sometimes sex just takes a back seat for a while. Don't worry... it will come back.

I seem to recall from your earlier posts that you have been with your husband since high school (I apologize if I am wrong on this)... in our late teens/early twenties we grow and mature a lot.... and sometimes it is like waking up as a whole new person. I agree that it is probably in your best interest to get to know yourself again.

Only once you do that can you really decide what the best course for you will be.

For the time being, don't worry about labels. Just be yourself.

*hugs*

-lily

lily you were right... i've been with my husband since i was fifteen.

thank you both for the comments and advice. i agree with you both as well.

i'm just so frustrated because indirectly my worst fear was realized, just not in the same way i feared. i was so freaked out to take the bipolar disorder meds because i feared they would change me. but instead i stopped taking birth control and ended up changing. granted, most would not say it was a bad change, especially going off the way i described it. but it's change none theless and it's always hard when one of your fears are realized.

so yeah i'm just frustrated and scared.... but in a numb less intense way.... *growls and stalks off*

I think tessa and lily are right.
You need a break ... to give yourself one and to take time to enjoy the little things..
The desire and drive will return.
And I don't think one can loose their Dom/sub side once they acknowledge it's existence. Time will show you..... just mo.

You have a mercurial personality nymph, all highs and lows. I wouldn't suggest you change... but it will make finding the right partner difficult for you. So keep that in mind and you'll be less likely to be frustrated.

Knowing yourself is everything!