What does it take to orgasm.

Allright this is a problem that I have been having that I have been so self-concious about. And I know its only a problem because i let it be but I can't orgasm. Don't get me wrong. The BDSM play is great. When we have vanilla sex its great. We communicate everything and trust each other completely. He doesn't put pressure on me to perform and constantly reassures me that its not about getting to a point but just relaxing and having a good time. We're open to new ideas and we're inventive. I do keigels. Not as regularly as I should be but I do when I remember to. We use birth control to ensure that we're not worried about pregnancy. We've been having sex regularly in so many fun and interesting ways for over two years and I have yet to orgasm. I dont get it. I feel like we're doing everything right and it seems so easy for some people. I know not all females orgasm all the time but never. I guess I am trying to figure out if I have unrealistic realizations about coming thanks to media and society. I know I should also just relax and enjoy what I have which is a lot and I am really lucky. I was just wondering if anyone else had this problem and if they do does it bother them? How do they deal with it? Were they able to come later in life? What got you to come even if it was the very first time you had sex?

Hello, pyarrie. :)

Have you determined whether or not there is a physiological reason for you not orgasming? If not, you should talk to a doctor as soon as you can. If you know for sure that there is nothing physical that's keeping you from orgasming, then I say masturbate, masturbate and more of the same. Tell him what you're doing, but do it alone so there's nothing to pressure you. Then just discover what your mind and body need to find that release.

Note: Use lots of lubricant. Gets all good and slick that way. Makes things rub more easily. ;)

Best of luck to you!

tessa :wave:

One technique that does work for some people is to move the emphasis away from trying to orgasm and instead, trying to reach the edge of orgasm without going over. You may be "trying" too hard to achieve orgasm and stressing about it. The above method alters that by simply shifting the focus. It may work for you , it may not.

Hope it helps
Tasker

*nods in agreement with tessa* See your family physician as soon as possible to discuss this. One thing you need to consider is any type of medication you are taking. There are several that can/do interfere with one's sexual activity. Stressors such as work and personal issues can also cause distractions which may interfere. Only your doctor can give you the best answer to this question, so be as open and honest as possible with him, and good luck!

I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me because I never could orgasm. All my friends would be talking about how hard they would cum during sex or oral or something, and I was having sex and all the other fun things but I just never could orgasm. I had my first orgasm about a year ago, so it took me years. I was in shock when I finally had an orgasm, I sort of figured I just would never be able to. I know there is some women who just can’t orgasm, I always figured I was one of them. Personally I don’t think i was at all near a sexual place in my life until about a year ago. After I was able to grow within myself I guess my body responded. I don’t really have any advice, seeing your doctor is never a bad idea when it comes to questions.

I had a slave for a long time that had never had a climax in her life. Strange but she loved sex at least with me.

Here is what I did to help her. Mood music, candle lights, gave her a bath soft and slow, a little pot, then out in front of the fireplace with a lovely warm fire going I spent time with a piece of fur and then my tongue exploring her body. Then came nights of licking her clit while touching her lightly till she finally had one.

Her problem was she felt masturbation was a sin so had never taught her body how to cum. That may sound funny but it is the truth. Get a vibrator or 3 and practice alone if you have too. Once the body gets the hang of it, it will become easier and easier. Use your mind or your favorite porn to help you when alone.

Russell

I have a friend who only just had her first orgasm in, we'll say 40-some years. She is Catholic and was also trained since chilhood that sex was for procreation, not enjoyment. The question I have is do you masturbate at all? If the one person you know (you) can't produce an orgasm, it's less likely anyone else ever will... once you can give yourself an orgasm, it would seem to me that the lucky guy you're with has a chance to help you achieve one too. Bottom line is that from a guy's point of view, its sad, but I hear many females missing out on that marvellous peak most or all of their lives. I wish you luck with the doctor visit!

[QUOTE=crikey_2004;270628] If the one person you know (you) can't produce an orgasm, it's less likely anyone else ever will... /QUOTE]

I disagree with this assessment. For me orgasming is about relaxing, turning the brain off and focusing entirely on the feelings generated. If I an the one touching myself, that is more difficult to do. A partner or good BOB makes that focus much easier.

fantassy

Bob?

BOB= battery operated buddy.... a girls best friend in certain circumstances... someone who will NEVER let you down... lol.

thanks,

Pyarrie,
your not alone out there with this problem. many many woman have the same thing.
working in the adult shop i hear many woman say this. you need to know your own body. a lot of woman can not reach an orgasam with just internal simtulation. some can not reach it at all unless its just clitrol stimulation. the clitoris can been very sentive more on one side then the other or just above it. some need both kinds of stimulation. There is also anal stimnuation some can only get there orgasam by having annal and internal stimulation at the same time. I have heard woman say that they feel like they are going to pee and then panic. This feeling has been known as the ultamate orgasma (female ejecultation) and they just dont know that what it is.
get to know your body on your own. The shower is a good place to do this as the water will stimulate the never ending in your whole body use plenty of nice soap over your body (not internal) get your self aroused then move to the bed room where you can then explore the inner you.
There is some great toys out there that you can use to help you. once you have found the right spot that does it for you. then introduce your partner to the magic spot go slow it will happen and I can tell you when it does it really will go with a bang.

I too had this problem for many (over 20 - just sad) years - masturbation was not a problem at all, but I just couldn't with my husband. (Or anyone before that either, believe me I spent several years looking for the man who could get me off :o )
I finally began to realize that my own self-conciousness was the problem - I was afraid of the having those strong physical and emotional feelings in front of him. Then, as I thought about the problem some more, I acknowledged that I had always held a part of what makes me "me" from him - refused to be vulnerable or afraid or soft or weak in front of him. I wanted him to think of me as strong and capable and independent.
So, having gotten to that point in my self-analysis (contemplating my navel :p ) all of a sudden my barely acknowledged and shamefully hidden submissive tendencies began to rear their (blindfolded!) head! As I mentally began to accept this part of myself, I began to relax and become more trusting and open-hearted and willing to be vulnerable with my husband and occasional orgasms began to follow! Yeah!
In the last few months, I have begun, very tentatively, to share my submissive desires with my husband. He has agreed to begin traveling this path with me and the few times we have "played", my orgasms have been amazing!
I guess for me, the problem was me! As I let go of preconceived notions of "proper" sex and worries about how I appear to him and fears about him thinking I'm weird or gross or sick or whatever - in other words I've begun to trust and accept myself and him completely - orgasms have just begun to fall out of me! Oops!
I could talk for hours (snore) about my sexual journey the last few months, but I'll just say don't give up. See the doctor, spend more time learning your body, trust yourself and remember - any woman in the throes of passion is beautiful to her partner.

A lot of great advise given here. I do believe though that you should definitely start with a doctor. In extreme cases an operation could be necessary from what a friend of mine has told me about his wife. Of course I can't be 100% sure of this but was told that there was excessive skin covering the clit and she could not feel the stimulation until the skin was surgically removed. Apparently she is fine today, though much older.

clitoral circumcision... scary and exciting all at the same time... And thanks for pointing out the bit about the masturbation, fantassy. Good point too!
BOB... what'll they think of next... I KNEW that was my favorite name for another good reason!

I have the same problem as Pyarrie. It bothers me, but I think it bothers my boyfriend more. It's really frustrating. I find that I can get closer to orgasm if there is more foreplay. Nothing can push me off the edge though. Masturbation doesn't do it for me either.

Most of a woman's orgasm is in her mind. I can't say enough about masturbation! It's the best way to discover how your body works with no distractions, such as trying to please your partner. Though I've always been able to have an orgasm by myself, it's taken me 15 years to be able to have one, two, three, four or five with a partner, mostly due to being with the wrong partner for way too long! lol Once you find out what gets you off, be it clitoral stimulation, anal and clitoral, asphyxiation and clitoral or G-spot and clitoral (I'm a clitoral orgasmer), then it's important to have a partner who pays attention to what you tell him. But even with plenty of stimulation, sometimes it still won't happen if you're not in the right frame of mind. If you've had a bad day, feeling too tired and cranky, etc., take a hot bath, have a glass of wine and try to relax before going to bed. Foreplay starts early in the day, and having naughty emails or text messages sent to me hours ahead of time really help to put me in the mood. I also love dirty talk during sex! Tell me what a tight fuckhole I have....how sexy I am...how much you love my pussy to be so wet the juice is coating your balls....mmmm OK, um, now I've gone and done it...*sighs and looks at the clock* 6 more hours until I see VoodooMan....

Thanks a lot guys for all of the advice. I definetely will invest in a good BOB. As far as what the doc said is there is no physical reason i can't so I guess I'll just have to try to find and chip at mental ones and keep exploring (myself) which sounds like so much fun.

Happy to hear your appointment went well, and best of luck with your explorations! :)

Hi pyarrie,

I wanted to add a few things, based on my own experience and the tiniest bit of internet research I did once:

1- Nobody really has differentiated between clitoral and vaginal orgasm- except for Kate and Red, to an extent. So which orgasm are you talking about? I think I am in the same boat as most women in that I do not orgasm clitorally during intercourse, but only from good oral or masturbation. And there are different ways to masturbate- i actually do it (and have since i was 9) lying on my stomach, my hand applying pressure to the clit and surrounding area.

**About oral, for the longest time, I thought it was my body, but then I had the opportunity to discover it was the men who had no clue how to give good oral!!! So keep that in mind- just communicate very clearly if/ when he goes down on you.**

Also, it's true as Red said- foreplay for women is usually more mental than for men. For me, even when i am getting oral, i still have to run D/s thoughts through my head (unless it's a 69 and Master's balls and ass are in my face- that's a direct turn-on). And I believe this is true for many women.

Something else that works for foreplay for me is my writing. I get so turned on as I write a story; sometimes I will write out a story of my last time spent with Master... and then I have to masturbate right away. I don't know if I'm normal or a little overly sexual, but I could masturbate 3 times a day (I mean clitorally only) and orgasm each time sometimes in under 30 seconds lol if i let myself, but there are times that if I'm not turned on, it's just not going to happen.

2- I would not use the vibrator to start with for masturbation... because it can desensitize the nerve endings there on the clit (that's where my dollop of internet research comes in, which confirmed my own experience anyway)... sometimes those nerves can regain sensation, sometimes not. I think they have for me, but I did go through a period where I had difficulty masturbating/ orgasming without BOB. Just FYI, maybe it's common sense, but make sure you don't use the vibe directly on your clit for more than... seconds at a time...

3- Another suggestion- whether it's mr. bob or your or your dom's hand or your dom's tongue, don't touch yourself too soon! don't even go too close to your clit until you are super-aroused. Keep reading erotica, writing it, talking it, whatever it is that (mentally) arouses you, even having all the other parts of your body touched, do this till you can't stand not touching your clit... then when you get to that point, touch it very, very lightly- and a wet tongue is best, applied gently!- you will shiver if it's right... and then you can even back off the clit again and continue to arouse yourself (or have him arouse you, whatever)... then have it touched again, lightly again... the timing may be off in the beginning, but after a while, i think you and he will get it down... and then you will get to the point where you need clit stimulation continued.. and you will feel yourself orgasming- make sure that as you are getting close, the pressure applied (tongue, finger, etc...) does not get too hard!! i think many men make this mistake, and it just fucks it all up... it takes some practice on both parts, but it'll come! i mean, you'll come! lol

By the way, Kate, thank you for the explanation of the vaginal orgasm and ejaculation- I can't believe it- I have had that peeing sensation and yet at the same time it felt like something like an orgasm was coming, but I did worry that I would pee, so probably held back. But yay! Now that I know what it is, I can finally possibly have a vaginal orgasm and ejaculate too! Wow. . how cool!! And Master would get it first too, that would be nice.

Pyarrie- would love to hear how you're doing!!

Mari: So wierd, I have had very similar experiences to what you were describing! I can only come if I'm facedown on my stomach-- I don't know why, I guess its just the way I'm wired. Took me a hell of a long time to figure that out though. Also, if I'm really really turned on, I've been able to make myself come in under a minute. Only through masturbation though-- with other people it usually takes a good long while!

My advice would be to keep experimenting by yourself and also maybe to invest in some good quality porn *blushes*. I was totally embarrassed at first when I found it turned me on, but after I accepted the fact and moved on, wow-- was I happy! I think it's hard for a lot of females to admit that they find porn arousing; I know it was difficult for me. Try a few out and see what you like. 90% of having an orgasm is mental in my opinion.

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Originally Posted by pyarrie

Allright this is a problem that I have been having that I have been so self-concious about. And I know its only a problem because i let it be but I can't orgasm. Don't get me wrong. The BDSM play is great. When we have vanilla sex its great. We communicate everything and trust each other completely. He doesn't put pressure on me to perform and constantly reassures me that its not about getting to a point but just relaxing and having a good time. We're open to new ideas and we're inventive. I do keigels. Not as regularly as I should be but I do when I remember to. We use birth control to ensure that we're not worried about pregnancy. We've been having sex regularly in so many fun and interesting ways for over two years and I have yet to orgasm. I dont get it. I feel like we're doing everything right and it seems so easy for some people. I know not all females orgasm all the time but never. I guess I am trying to figure out if I have unrealistic realizations about coming thanks to media and society. I know I should also just relax and enjoy what I have which is a lot and I am really lucky. I was just wondering if anyone else had this problem and if they do does it bother them? How do they deal with it? Were they able to come later in life? What got you to come even if it was the very first time you had sex?

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I had this problem when I was younger. For me it was because I wasn't sure what to expect, or really what I should sound like lol. After I learned to relax and not to try so hard I was able to orgasm and have never had problems since. Hope it helps a little.