Sex, Sex, Sex... It's All About the Sex

Thanks. I recently read a novel from Scotland, Ian Rankin: Strip Jack, wherein the police go and close down a bordello. Which made me wonder on the base of what law... but probably now you'll say 'Aaah, it's all different again in Scotland!'
Prostitution legislation? :hijacked:
Sorry TG. ;) Back to the topic.

Or, wait... If it were merely All About the Sex, we could all be satisfied with callguys or callgirls who are able to act the part. Financial disadvantages aside, the fact that we seek affairs and relationships appears to indicate that we need more than sex.

But the market for sex, and kinky sex, and SM / fetish interaction with no sexual intercourse, without the context of an affair or relationship, is there. So the wish or need to merely have (kinky) sex or have a SM scene for many is strong enough that they are willing to pay for it.

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Originally Posted by Ranai

Thanks. I recently read a novel from Scotland, Ian Rankin: Strip Jack, wherein the police go and close down a bordello. Which made me wonder on the base of what law... but probably now you'll say 'Aaah, it's all different again in Scotland!'.

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Yep. Scotland has it's own laws. I'll stand to be corrected but I think in this area they are similar to laws in England and Wales.

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Originally Posted by Ranai

Or, wait... If it were merely All About the Sex, we could all be satisfied with callguys or callgirls who are able to act the part. Financial disadvantages aside, the fact that we seek affairs and relationships appears to indicate that we need more than sex.

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Aren't affairs about sex? One of the reasons for affairs I would imagine is the need for excitement of a new person to have sex with. Standing by and making a stale relationship work would indicate that more is happening than just sex. I would imagine most people long to escape the drudgery of a relationship that has lost its excitement, if only for a short while.

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Originally Posted by ProjectEuropa

Aren't affairs about sex?

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Sure. Did I write anything that said they weren't?

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Originally Posted by ProjectEuropa

One of the reasons for affairs I would imagine is the need for excitement of a new person to have sex with.

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Yes. And depending on how long the love affair lasts, the excitement of more than sexual intimacies shared, the excitement of getting to know each other better as individuals, the excitement of all sorts of shared experiences.

TG's initial post here refers to DS relationships. I'd say, a one night stand or a callguy/callgirl are All About the Sex. No relationship. So not to be underestimated: there's a demand for Sex Only.

It would be interesting to have input here from Pro Dommes and Pro Doms. Many of whom do scenes without sexual intercourse. Why? Because those Pros prefer to define their business that way: domination, SM, but no sex? Because of legal issues? Because the clients get off without intercourse? Because it's not all about the sex? Is there a significant amount of professional scenes where the clients don't get sexual satisfaction? (I hope these questions don't sound presumptuous; I'd really like to know.)

I don't think it has to all be about sex, but for me it pretty much is. I already have a loving caring relationship with my husband and daughter. I put them and their happiness/needs before mine alot, because it makes me feel good. But do I "have to"? No. I feel like this position in a d/s relationship is more expected and i know I would feel more like I had no choice. It's giving that power to someone else that happens to be a turn on to me sexually. It's where this subject fits into my life and meets needs that I can't get any other way.

This thread really had me thinking and analysing things. Basically, wether were in a DS or vanilla relationship we do the things we do to please those who we love. Regardless of sex.

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Originally Posted by GaryWilcox

I'm straying from the point a little, but not entirely. While D/s has a nonsexual underbelly, involving it in sexuality opens it up (and includes it) as part of sexual nature. As I said earlier, human sexuality has complexities of intellect and ideas of desire that far outweigh that of animals. We think too much.

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I had a lot more things I wanted to write about, but the more I thought about it, the more confused I got. :confused: So i'll stop and make my own cuppa.

I think this is a really interesting thread. Thanks for starting it TG.

I wanted to just toss in my thoughts and experience. When I was first introduced to D/s, I did a google search to learn more.

Within the first few was gloria_brame and wizdomme. Both I thought were informative in different ways. They also don't strictly deal with sex. I think wizdomme did more.... one of the two led me to this site and I don't really peruse others so much so, so I can't really remember. Needless to say, I have stayed here because I realized you're all real people, living this very real lifestyle. And all on different levels, experience, etc. (I'm not making my point very well as I'm a bit exhausted... I apologize but please bare with me!)

None of these sites were ever strictly about sex. If one does a google search for BDSM, much more sex and pic sites are given. D/s though, different results. I don't know- I think this site in particular talks an awful lot about much more than sex. Yes, sexual context is generally for most a large undercurrent in a D/s relationship, but it's also about so much more than that and you've all made that clear through different threads. It's about establishing a connection and the sex follows. I think the same applies to a vanilla relationship too. Relationships are usually much more than sex, but sex is something two people in a relationship engage in... so it's always going to be part of it.

I think in any relationship one partakes in activities for someone to make them happy. Whether it be in a D/s relationship making sure your Dom/me's needs are always met, or in a common relationship cooking breakfast for your partner. They are just extremely different levels of servitude. But the goal is still the same- to please your partner. I would hope any serious relationship is more than just sex... it's just awful fun to talk about sex... especially the mischievous kind :)

I don't really have much real experience in D/s, but what I do know is it's much more than sex. And most of what I've learned as opposed to experienced has been through here and brief stints on a couple other websites. Sure, if you read the stories, they are loaded with sex. I'll be honest in saying I never read one story here until a few months ago(about 6 or so months after I discovered this site), and haven't read one since. I'll also say if I had read the stories in the beginning I would have closed my mind completely to D/s as they scared the hell out of me!! I think I'm trying to say I feel my knowledge thus far is fairly pure and unjaded, and most of what I have learned is about the mental connection of a D/s relationship.

I apologize as I've rambled and still don't know that I made any sense or a single contribution... "random thoughts of a tired mind" but I've been wanting to reply to this thread since it began.

~os

Orchid Soul,

I completely agree with your comments...on D/s just being a more extreme form of any other relationship in that the pleasure and service to one's partner is always important. I also agree that we talk about way, way more than just sex around here. To say otherwise would be to diminish the many wonderful threads and posts about the mental aspects of submission, humility and service posted by Nikka, lucy, and so many others of us as we share our growth and experiences with bdsm as a whole. Thanks so much for posting!! :)

eb

Could it be that a sexual response is what clued most of us in to our own interests in bdsm in the first place? Most everyone can remember finding themselves surprisingly, unignorably turned on by an image or idea involving dominance - maybe it was last week or maybe it was when they were 12 - and exploring or fantasizing their way to a (probably very private) orgasm. That seems to be how it all starts for most people, and the mental connection between bdsm and sexual desire remains as we become more self-aware, seek out partners, etc.

I wonder about this a good deal. I am sexually submissive, but in my everyday life I am almost absurdly toppish. While flipping that switch in my head is very do-able in a sexual situation, and while I love to do the little things for people I care about as an expression of my affection, I have never made the leap to having a long-term relationship in which service was a feature. Perhaps I just don't have it in me, or perhaps none of my partners has happened to want that. But I feel a little bashed by reading that sexualized submission is somehow 'less than' service oriented submission. It's tough enough to find a way to walk this non-mainstream path without being told that what you feel is inadequate. Ouch.

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Originally Posted by subthoughts

I wonder about this a good deal. I am sexually submissive, but in my everyday life I am almost absurdly toppish. While flipping that switch in my head is very do-able in a sexual situation, and while I love to do the little things for people I care about as an expression of my affection, I have never made the leap to having a long-term relationship in which service was a feature. Perhaps I just don't have it in me, or perhaps none of my partners has happened to want that. But I feel a little bashed by reading that sexualized submission is somehow 'less than' service oriented submission. It's tough enough to find a way to walk this non-mainstream path without being told that what you feel is inadequate. Ouch.

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You made good points in your post, but I want you to know you're not alone in this bit. It's different for everyone, for some people (myself included) it's all (or mostly) sexual. For others it's not. Don't let anyone make you feel that what you do is right or wrong, it's what works for you. When I first started reading this thread I actually thought "if anyone tried to use me as a footstool I'd deck them" but at the same time, I make a mean cup of tea for my hubby and serve it to him. I also appear the dominant partner in my relationship to friends and I'm often the one giving orders in my work life. To sum up that little tangent, it's all about what works for you. :D

I'll admit I haven't read all the posts in this thread, so sorry if I just repeated something someone has already said!

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Originally Posted by subthoughts

I wonder about this a good deal. I am sexually submissive, but in my everyday life I am almost absurdly toppish. While flipping that switch in my head is very do-able in a sexual situation, and while I love to do the little things for people I care about as an expression of my affection, I have never made the leap to having a long-term relationship in which service was a feature. Perhaps I just don't have it in me, or perhaps none of my partners has happened to want that. But I feel a little bashed by reading that sexualized submission is somehow 'less than' service oriented submission. It's tough enough to find a way to walk this non-mainstream path without being told that what you feel is inadequate. Ouch.

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subthoughts,

You are NOT at all inadequate. I had a similar reaction when first reading the early portions of the thread. However, I believe the original post was meant to show the validity of non-sexual forms of submission. I don't think it was necessarily meant to belittle those of us that serve in other ways although it was a bit harsher than I think was necessary.

As you can see from my previous posts to this thread, I am both service-oriented and sexually-oriented in my submission. Since I do both, I think that I have the insight into each to say that both are challenging in equal but different ways. I would never even think of telling another sub that he or she was somehow "less of a sub" for choosing to serve in a purely domestic OR a purely sexual fashion. I'd also bet that most members of the forums would agree with us on this one that each sub should be respected for her excellence in WHATEVER area(s) she chooses.

I am also in complete agreement that we need to show acceptance to all the varied members of our lifestyle if we ever expect those outside the lifestyle to show that same acceptance.

Thanks for your post...I'm glad you spoke up! And welcome to the forums!! There are lots of great people here...I know I've learned from many and consider them good friends.

Take care,

eb

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Originally Posted by subthoughts

I wonder about this a good deal. I am sexually submissive, but in my everyday life I am almost absurdly toppish. While flipping that switch in my head is very do-able in a sexual situation, and while I love to do the little things for people I care about as an expression of my affection, I have never made the leap to having a long-term relationship in which service was a feature. Perhaps I just don't have it in me, or perhaps none of my partners has happened to want that. But I feel a little bashed by reading that sexualized submission is somehow 'less than' service oriented submission. It's tough enough to find a way to walk this non-mainstream path without being told that what you feel is inadequate. Ouch.

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Subthoughts,
I too have gotten the impression that I am lacking because I don't feel this great need for service-oriented submission. I am glad I am not the only one who has felt it. It is obviously important to a lot of people but our sexual submission is just as valid as their service-oriented submission. What we need to understand is that we may be a minority and may be send as lacking by some who do not find this part of BDSM as a turn on or true submission. This is really okay as far as I see it because we would not pick them as our Dom or Domme anyway. In truth it boils down to matching the right people and needs together to form a good and successful relationship, which is what BDSM is about. We are all unique individuals with our own ideas and needs. We will not always understand each other but we can accept each other opinions.

Thanks for the encouraging words -- much appreciated :)

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Originally Posted by e.b.

Orchid Soul,

I completely agree with your comments... Thanks so much for posting!! :)

eb

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thanks so much eb. I'm glad you were able to extract what my tired mind was trying to convey.

subthoughts- I just want to say how your post rang to me. I have spent an awful lot of time learning of the mental, and for me the mental will be during sexual submission. like you, I'm not sure if it's that I don't have it in me or a variety of other reasons, but by no means do I think it lessens your desires or anyone with strictly sexual submissive desires regardless how deep those desires even go (level of pain, etc).

That is what I have spent time learning here (that everyones levels and desires are different and are none the less than a 24/7 submissive) and I truly hope that no one would tell you any different.

Do what feels right for you and be happy.

~os

I was just rereading everything that I've seen written out here and it made me see that to please a dominant I don't need to have sex, although to a point I knew that is true because of personal issues that I've described before its hard for me to have sex but with a dominant I surrender my all to him...or as much as I can from within. I believe true submission comes from the mind and soul not the pussy although once a dom has the mind and soul completely he can have the body.....but at times part of the body finds it harder to submit than other sides. So in my eyes sex is not needed for me to submit and I know with anyone it would take me a very long time for me to submit that although for a dom it would be more likely for me to submit in other ways.

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Originally Posted by Locked Advantages

I believe true submission comes from the mind and soul not the pussy

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So true LA.

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Originally Posted by Locked Advantages

So in my eyes sex is not needed for me to submit and I know with anyone it would take me a very long time for me to submit that although for a dom it would be more likely for me to submit in other ways.

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Trust. Such a simple word, but no light matter. Trust is to be earnt and shouldn't be given lightly. Don't be pushed into giving it. :) Or to give what your not ready to give. There are understanding men out there. I know. I own one. :)

caitlin :)