My need for the lifestyle is the result of real life experiences prior to the age of 18. I would like to share what happened to me, and my current understanding of myself in order to gain more healing, but I am too new here to expose myself this soon.
My story is long and involved. Could someone point me to where in the BDSM Library, it would be the best place to tell my story, in bits and pieces, as I gain the courage?
~~sinsinderella
Right here in BDSM life would be the place.
I would suggest making a thread of your own, so we can find it quickly. If the moderators want it in a different locasion they will intervine.
I look forward to reading your tale with great anticipation.
i was just re-reading through this thread and noticed this line - His_sweet_song, this is absolutely beautifully put and was what i was trying to say, just put MUCH better.Quote:
Originally posted by His_sweet_song
i am not really sure if my past lead to my present....but i am a stronger person for it even if that is a loving submissive person:) :) ......
Even if there is a possibility that abuse can lead to an interest in BDSM, i think it would be wrong to assume that this is necessarily a negative thing, in fact, to have become a 'stronger, loving, submissive person' suggests that a person has let go of it and come out the other side.
sl
I totally agree with you both, it's how you have learned from previous experience, positive or negative that makes you who you are. I believe as long as you can move on, even negative experiences can make you smarter and stronger.
I have never been abused. Not as an adult and not as a child either.
My daughter is 6, she has never been abused, not physically or verbally. I am convinced that one day, she will be a sub or a domme or maybe both. She ties stuff up all the time, tells me to choke her because it feels good and that she likes to cry.
I think that for the most part, you are what you are. I also think that if you are a submissive, and you live with or, in close proximity to, an abusive person that, they will likely be able to smell you out and take advantage of you. It doesn't mean that you are a sub because you were abused.
I'm like Finding Fantisy. I was never abused, and my father only spanked me once in his life, and my mother never did, and I do know the look that he says thay both had theres, and that was all it took.
Let us not blur the difference between Dominants and abusers, likewise between submissives and victim types.Quote:
Originally Posted by lola
I certainly agree that a Dom can usually sense when someone is sub even if sie is not flagging in any obvious way. (I know I can, I've sometimes surprised myself with the people for whom my detector has buzzed, and later found I was right.) And it does appear that abusive characters have an instinct for potential victims.
But most of the submissives I have known have not been victim types, on the contrary: outside the D/s relationship they are usually strong minded, even aggressive people whom any would-be abuser would walk wide around. And speaking just for myself, I am equally quick to avoid victim types.
I have never been abused and I don't remember my mother or father ever raising their hand in anger either towards my brother or myself. My mother wore the pants in the family, and my father tended to be submissive to her. They been happily (yes happily) married for nearly 40 years.
So it's interesting to me that my brother has abused his ex-wife (she dumped is sorry butt after he broke her nose). He's calmed down a bit since then and the current relationship he's in seems better and calmer, although my brother seems to have a pool of anger in him.
I on the other hand am very much the pacifist and have often questioned why I enjoy BDSM because of my beliefs. In fact, sometimes I think I was to concerned about my ex-partners safety and was not "as abusive" as she would like me to be.
It's interesting how are lives are influenced by things.
I did not mean to suggest that dominants are by nature abusers and, I certainly did not mean to suggest that all submissive persons are victims. That being said, if you are a sub and you were abused, which is kind of what the original question is about, the abuse probably did not cause the submissiveness. I have nothing but ancedotal evidence to support this theory of course but, it has proven itself to be true in spades, at least in my experience.Quote:
Originally Posted by leo9
Were these strong minded submissives that you know abused early on?
I know this thread has been around for some time...but I just got around to reading it. No abuse in my case, either as a victim or as an abuser. I actually had a sickeningly normal upbringing. Likewise, my sub did as well.
I think it's hard to make a correlation because a lot of people suffered abuse as children. You can't really point to the small percentage who wind up with an interest in bdsm and say "AH HA! That's what caused it!" I'll bet if there were ever a study done on it, the percentage of abuse victims who wind up in the "lifestyle" is smaller than the percentage within the vanilla community.
It would be an interesting study.
I haven't read the entire thread, but I think I can put my 2 cents in here in response to the first question. Now as a child, I was beaten by my martial arts sensei over the course of a six month period. Then I found out that a girl I had been dating was in fact mollested by her by a man that I very deeply respected. This hurt me in ways I can't describe. But then for some reason I started having dirty thoughts about girls in my high school. And not just any thoughts, thoughts about raping them (bum bum bum!) I tried to repress this. I figured it was probably just another pubecant assault on my psychie. But I couldn't get it out of my head. But then I looked into a lifestyle as a dominator, and I tried a few sessions in a chat room enviroment, and from then on the rest is ancient history. I personally beleive, however, that if my friend was not mollested I don't beleive I would be dominant. Although I must admit I don't think my lickings from my sensei had anything at all to do with it.
It's my belief that because BDSM scenes sometimes expose repressed memories, and because BDSM people are less likely to feel ashamed to admit to having been abused, we probably have a higher percentage of people who openly identify as abuse survivors than in the general population. And this may create a false impression that the actual incidence of abused people is higher.Quote:
Originally Posted by MrJerseyGuy
That is, in statistical terms, it's an artifact of reporting.
You know, I consider myself to be a part of a pattern of abuse. I was never molested or raped, but I was bullied. And I was involved with two women who tried to involve me in their rape fantasies. One who had been raped... the other who, I think, probably ached for the experience.
While these things were a part of my sexual awakening, no one told me that my bearded, black Voice Command G. I. Joe doll should strip my Mego Batgirl doll and force her to kiss him.
There was definitely something in the way I was nurtured... but then my nature is not so innocent, either.
Nope, no abuse here. Corporal punishment for major transgressions (I was a horrible child), but that was okay, I asked for it. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" is quite true I believe. However, as this is a lifestyle that I discovered late in life I don't think that had anything to do with it And although I cannot speak for my slave, I am not aware of any abuse in her life.
Barton.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide
Well I can't say I was abused physically. I do have some abandonment type issues regarding my father. Granted he never left, but he did desert us emotionally. I think that may be something that makes me like the close interpersonal levels of connection in a D/s relationship.
I do wonder if my desire to please was influenced by that. I think it was more of an issue when I was younger. I did some really stupid things for men. (Although I think that is a general truism for people.) As I've gotten older though, I've learned to set some boundaries in what I will and will not do and for what and whom. Oddly enough, in many ways D/s has actually helped me to define those boundaries better and feel a bit more in control of things.
I can't speak about physical abuse. Granted I don't like pain, but then the things I do like I tend to call "extreme sensation". It just doesn't cross the bridge over into real pain.
Interesting question, but I can't help but wonder instead of who involved in bdsm was abused, how many people who were abused got into bdsm? And does their particular brand of abuse correlate at all to their particular inclinations?
That's the question that's been in my mind since the first post. Very much like the studies that falsely put an entire generation of childhood abuse survivors under suspicion as potential abusers, the methodology and conclusion are faulty. It makes as much sense to say, for instance, that since a large percentage of submissives had blonde female teachers in fifth grade, having a blonde female teacher in the fifth grade is a possible precipitating event in causing a person to become a submissive. As was pointed out, it makes more sense to take a group of children who were abused and follow them to see what percentage of them move into a BDSM lifestyle.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandora's Box
Interesting discussion. I would have to agree on this. My mother was physically abusive somewhat but more than anything mentally abusive. My father was not- When I say abusive, I mean that she would erupt into bursts of anger over small infractions and then work herself into a froth before lashing out on us with a belt, plate--whatever was handy. She called it "discipline" but I call it abuse- (welts, etc...). BUT I don't associate it with my desired to be spanked NOW. I just like VERY aggressive MEN who totally take control and "force" :[ play with me- I'm sure some "shrink" would claim their's some Freudian subconscious connection- but I'd say no-
like most of the replies i've read i am going to straddle the fence on this one. i think that certainly for some there is a connection between their paticular BDSM proclivities and past abuse in child or early adulthood and that as slavelucy said this is not necessarily a bad thing and i am sure more then one has worked out their past in the safety of a BDSM relationship.
for me though the really interesting question is what draws so called "normal" people to. those that didn't have an abusive childhood and yet seek out what most would consider an extreme relationship. it's a question i am constantly asking myself and have honestly not come up with an answer for yet.
I think the intesity of feelings is the pull for me. My Owner/bf and I were talking about a friend of mine that is very dramatic. She is almost constantly "fighting" with her boyfriend - very often over silly small things - and I think it is because she craves drama. We laughed at ourselves b/c we crave drama as well, we just get it in other ways.Quote:
Originally Posted by matte
And I feel the exact same way about getting depressed when there isn't much feeling going around or I'm bored. I'm still learning a great deal about BDSM but NONE of it has been boring yet!
Hmmmmm a very touchy subject for me... since every male figure in my childhood abused me. However, I'd like us to look at this from a different angle.
I'm not saying I was abused because I am submissive, because I didn't even know there was a name for what I am until 9 months ago. But I think my abusers picked up on submissive traits (pleasing others, the need to serve, my willingness to see others happy, even at my own expense), and instead of nurturing these things, the abusers were able to twist them to their advantage. They wanted that power over me, and they took it.
Neither do I believe I am submissive because of the abuse. I'm definitely not looking for the abuse to continue. It was degrading, humiliating, and made me feel like I was a very bad girl.
I think what BDSM has done for me, is teach me that my submissive self is beautiful. That I can be myself, give all of myself over to my Master, and I can trust that he will care for me and see that NO harm comes to me. In effect, it has helped reverse the abuse and freed me from the past. Now I give the power over, not have it snatched away from me. Therein lies the freedom I have never had before in my life.
Master's tehya
Same here, very touchy topic and one that gave me sleepless night in this past year.
Especially because I have these split desires. For one I long for someone to take care of me, to guide me - but not crully or just because of the pain, and not to break me (again...) but to built me up through what we have together.
But then there is also that vanilla thing, that I long for...
Sometimes I just tell myself "Look, Vanilla is your healthy side... the other desires are the sick one..." Like I said, sleepless nights.
At the moment I am at that point where I think I should mix it - like to find someone who also likes both... Guh that is all so confusing!
Another things is that I am kinda repelled from the idea that someone enjoys hurting teh one he loves (or anybody at all for that matter).
I am rambling again...
But I don't think that it must be a result from abuse. Like that crap homosexuality (especially for women) would be.
*temporarily speechless*Quote:
Originally Posted by tehya
tehya - most of your posts continue to leave me in awe of how well you put things. You have essentially said what i have been trying to say for much of this thread (especially the quoted bits), but in a much more succinct manner... and i can't begin to tell you how much i agree with you.
luce x
Luce, hun, you are gonna have me blushing bright red (even though i do look good in red, lol)... It is fortunate to find kindred spirits along lifes travels. That I could put into words what you have been thinking is validation that many of us think alike. And just perhaps, your posts gave inspiration to my words! *smiles*Quote:
Originally Posted by slavelucy
Master's tehya