Very well stated.Quote:
Originally Posted by Spitman
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Very well stated.Quote:
Originally Posted by Spitman
I truly sympathize with the plight of very young children being placed in a position by their parents who for what ever reason think they need to be famous and have no consideration for the long term problems they are causing these kids.Quote:
Originally Posted by duktig flicka
Not only dance, but olympics, sports and acting to name just a few.
Adolescents place enough problems on themselves to fit in without help from parents. But in todays society where models and the visible people are so far from the norm, we have been conditioned to believe this is what we should be. Personally, my opinion is this: If the guy in the mirror is happy with who I am, to hell with anyone who isn't. It took therepy to reach this conclusion and while it may not be right for everybody, it's right for me.
Lastly I wish for you only happiness and the ability to accept yourself for who you are.
Thank for having shared with us your deep, dark secrets.
I've read your post very thoroughly; as a new-bye in this "very worried that current bdsm..." thread it took me a bit of time to write down an answer, but I'd like to put on the table some remarkable points.
Please forgive my rusty English speech, I am an Italian.
Let's start from what you've ran through in your life. Hard to bear. But you have survived.
This is, I think, a common rule of every kind of living: survive, survive, survive -a must in nature-!
So, now you act like you cannot help to live again the extreme experience you have escaped. A lot of people, having passed-by car accidents or other close-to-death troubles, have joined extreme or hard-endeavouring sports, maybe to live again strong emotionals feedbacks.
Every wound you take (both phisical and psycological) starts a response: the body make scars, trying to repair injured tissues or bones, the brain the same. In the common life you can see that every day. If needed, the body and the mind work aside to change their status and comply the environment: out from the skin this results in a temperature rise, a modify of the heart pulse or an increse in the water retention.
When you get a trauma, there is a new environment. Fear is the quickest way to alert you there is a brand-new situation, and it's dangerous. Pain is the flag to point that something has changed in a nasty way.
The inner of you realizes it very quickly, and try to adapt.
Aside the body, the mind urges to fix patches over every wound it has suffered, by developing its own structures and using them to protect itself, preventing damages by new blows. I think that's the main difference: the body can repair a damage, while the mind can repair and make up a sort of draft "preventive defense" against a new strike.
Every trauma can induce ("negative" and "positive" are used just as tag, with no moral value):
-a negative response [or "internal" reaction]: the subject falls deep in the fathom of himself, imploding the stress toward inside, and cutting relations with the external world, to avoid to live again the trauma
-a positive response [or "external" reaction]: the subject uses the experience to create a new system of values, that can be used again -if needed-, to survive again, better and in a more effective way the trauma
"During peace time, warriors struggle against themselves" (Nietzsche).
You have faced the beast. You won. Now it's hard to go back home and live family life. Simply, you can't. So, here you are the need to play bdsm.
Sorry, I don't think it' s possible to go back -just live it and enjoy it-. There's nothing wrong, if SSC. You don't harm anyone.
Reviewing your several postings, it seems that you have the attitude to share your story. You have written quite several excerpts, so you feel the need to talk about it and spread out what you have inside, also to cast in a frame all your experiences.
Maybe you can nurtur the art of writing...
:goldcup:
Quote:
Originally Posted by duktig flicka
I can only speak for myself as I come from a very abusive childhood. I am an introvert by nature. So I am always looking for why I am who I am. And I do agree that life is much easier when one just accepts who they are instead of questioning it. Took me a lot of years to realize that. I have a degree in Psychology, which I can say is directly related to my trying to understand the past and the effects of it.
As I said I can only speak for myself...but I have asked myself many times if there was a connection between the past and my enjoyment in BDSM. The only connection for myself is that the past affects my limits. For me that means I have some limits that are harder to push and such. I want to enjoy myself not take myself back to that place. (hope ya understand what I mean). I can see the line between BDSM and abuse. My past helps me with that as well as my schooling and my understanding of BDSM. I did not learn submission from the abuse. I learn to hate. If anything the abuse taught me to be stronger in my mind. To respect myself more and to never be anyones doormat. I am not saying I haven't made mistakes along the way or that there haven't been times I fell into those old patterns. But the connection between the past abuse and BDSM is lost in the consent. You survived the past .You choose the future.
Thats just my opinion and well you know what they say.
Mobius,
The name of that book is "Perfect Victim".
The girl was truly submissive. Even at the guy's trail, she didn't act upset or angry at the guy.
juicy thoughts i ponder as i see that S/some have done some research. this makes me happy that A/all that participated were happy with topic of conversation and i offer my apology to T/those it may have offended.
a Friend of mine and i were discussing this forum discussion yesterday and W/we have come with the solution that most BDSM interests stem from abuse and i would like to encourage those W/whom have not suffered abuse of this kind that W/we have spoke of these last few days, to come forward and explain why T/they have fantasies about this. *smiles*
then maybe W/we can notice what W/we don't notice *winks*
thankies A/all this have given me more enlightenment to my own individual understandings and workings *nodnod*
I think that is a great idea bug!! :) If we can begin to notice what we don't notice then perhaps we can begin to notice what is shaping our thoughts and deeds! :dunno:Quote:
Originally Posted by bug
I guess life is a continuous learning process after all!
~ltp~
Since the original question has been answered, I like to hijack this thread for a related question.
I was also abused when I was young, and because of that, I grow like the idea of BDSM. As a result, for relationship purpose, I only like people within the BDSM circle. Conventional sex and foreplay does not arouses me.
The regular friends that I met who are NOT into BDSM are decent, nice regular folks with great personality who is happy with conventional sex. If I am not into BDSM, I would have date these people.
But all the BDSM people that I met are all trashy, whackhead, some are abusive, none of them have decent personality.
However, as far as sex is concerned, I have to date people in our BDSM circle. Should I continue to dig for a future someone who is a nice person also into bDSM? Or withdraw the idea and find a regular person?
ANother idea is to find a nice person and either introduce him/her into BDSM. But if that person is not interested, then a few months of time is wasted.
I'd say you need a new circle of friends.Quote:
Originally Posted by RhondaLee
Rhonda this puzzles me. In the thirty years I have been involved with BDSM the people you discribe make up a small minority of the thousands I have met in the lifestyle. So it seems odd the all of the people you have met with BDSM interests fall into this catagory. As you dont indicate your location or where you have been meeting prospective partners its hard to explain this as it is the opposite of my experiences.Quote:
Originally Posted by RhondaLee
Well thats up to you but if you continue to look for those with BDSM interests you certinally need to change your approach.Quote:
Originally Posted by RhondaLee
This can work too. There are several threads here on the topic. But if you are interested in instant gratification you may just be disapointed in any person you meet.Quote:
Originally Posted by RhondaLee
I don't have your experience Dngnkeeper but as someone who stumbled into BDSM and was ripe for being found a fool, I have to say I have never stumbled over what Rhondalee goes onto describe 'But all the BDSM people that I met are all trashy, whackhead, some are abusive, none of them have decent personality.' On the whole I would say I have found the BDSM community as a cross section more positive than the a cross section of the population as a whole. Of course you come across characters you don't like but it's impossible to like everybody.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dngnkeeper
Stick around, RhondaLee, and I am sure you will find that most people here are about as 'normal' as they come. While I don't have the experience of many of the members, the number of idiots I have met on this site I could count on the fingers of one hand. The vast majority here are decent people following their particular kink.
So to answer your question, I strongly advise waiting for the "future someone who is a nice person also into BDSM".
The old are they" real or just wannabees" question. For the most part you will find that most people who are into BDSM are a pretty above average bunch. We communicate well, we show a lot of respect in our dealings with each other, in fact we are pretty easy to get along with. If you have not found people such as this, then you do need to look elsewhere. To fully appreaciate this lifestyle you need to find people who can earn your trust and respect. They are out there.
[QUOTE=duktig flicka]I need to get some things off my chest in order to be able to ask a question I really need to ask. These have always been deep, dark secrets that I have not shared with anyone - except for my boyfriend in a very vague manner - so please forgive me if I'm not handling this appropriately.
Duktig,
I was abused as a child too. My bondage fantasies began long before the abuse. For instance, I have always loved being scared. I was watching that chessy horror flick waxworks and the part with the Marquis de Sad come on. That was it for me. I was 7. I think the problem you are having is that people believe it is impossible for a person to suffer abuse and come out with a healthy view on sexuality. I am here to tell you that is a myth. I think the part you are missing is that Bdsm is suppose to be fun. At least in my opinion it's just a game. I want a guy who can PLAY dangerous in bed but is a teddy bear in real life. I think that is pretty normal.
If you needed me to pin point for you some psychological reasoning behind my affinity for this lifestyle, I am more incline to believe its the fact I was a preacher's daughter. Or perhaps its because I am a control freak. Either way I don't think it really matters. What matters is being comfortable with who you are, and finding someone who you are comfortable with too.
I hope I don't offend anyone. This is just my view. I hope it helps.
Hmmm, i have increasingly come to wonder if that's possible actually. i have known some really nice vanilla guys..but they just cannot get into BDSM...equally Wontworry (my Dom, lover and all round friend) is great, both DS wise and otherwise, he's loving, laid back and lots of fun...but i'm still not sure he could ever be aptly described as a 'teddy bear'...because in the end, he's still dominant, if he wasn't, he wouldn't be a good dominant. (sounds ridiculously simplistic i know, but i really mean it)Quote:
Originally Posted by lillianskye
Whilst i might not agree with you, you certainly haven't offended me, it's interesting to hear about how other people see BDSM fitting into their lives, and it's what makes it so diverse.Quote:
Originally Posted by lillianskye
(Although you may have offended the Marquis by calling him sad! LOL)
Welcome to the forums btw, nice to have you on board.
sl
Duktig flicka
Reading your story has really touched me. Let’s get to basics. Nature Vs. Nurture. Are we the way we are due to some sort of genetic imprinting as is shown by studies of identical twins separated at birth; or are we the way we are due to the environment in which we live.
Are you the way you are because of genetic imprinting or because of the environment in which you lived, or both. I would go for both. You have not mentioned your mother. Was she submissive to your father, and then to your instructors/teachers? Did she try to protect you from their abuse? I think not. Or not to an extent that it made a difference.
The amount of abuse you suffered throughout your formative years is astrominical. First Dad, then Dad and your instructors and the whole psyche behind the ballet business, then your rapist/abductor.
Stockholm syndrome is where victims of a kidnapping, or people taken as hostages develop a relationship with their captors, and they may also help the captors to achieve their goals or to escape the police. In order to survive, the victim attempts to relate to the captor/kidnapper to gain their sympathy. While this may apply to your rapist/abductor, it would not apply to your father and instructors.
Analytical psychosocial professionals cannot agree as to the reason why we do the things we do, but all would correlate early abuse to BDSM. Those who say that even though they are into BDSM and were never abused, there is the fear factor. It’s a part of our survival instincts. It also counts for the success of crime shows on TV. I could go on, but I’m digressing.
Any way back to basics. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. However, we know also that we can condition animals as well as people to act in certain ways. Pavlov’s Theory. Dogs learnt to salivate when the light was turned on, or they would not be fed. Mice were stimulated in a particular cage, and after a while they could only have sex in the cage they had been having the sexual stimulation.
Which leads us to Cause and Effect. You were abused, and you had a desire to please. It is a natural progression that you used the abuse as a stimulus, and you felt gratification at being able to please them.
Is BDSM harmful or therapeutic? It could be harmful if you were with the wrong Dom. Only you can tell if you are gaining any therapeutic value out of BDSM. As for your fear that you may be exploiting your boyfriend, talk to him. You said you vaguely talked about your dark secrets. Lack of communication is the major factor on the breakdown of relationships. When you feel you are ready to talk to him about your feelings do so. Remember you don’t have to hit him with everything all at once. If after you tell him and he doesn’t love and respect you afterwards, then you may have to decide if he is worth your time or love in the first place.
Remember to love yourself for the person who you are.
Caitlin :)
From my opinion
I hear many people telling me most vanilla friends that I have saying I go for BDSM since I haven't had the best childhood or that I was raped....but honestly I know what I am....that is intelligent, strong enough to submit, but I also learned from situations that made me stronger I won't let myself get into that type of situation that I've been in once again. I was just reading some of the responses here...BDSM might be somewhat from my childhood, but I don't do it because I've been hurt...I do it because the submission is a part of me. With my former dominant it gave me more confidence. I think when people tell me its from abuse, that is from ignorance on their part...all I know is what I desire and love about myself;)
Sarah
Sarah,
I know that for me bdsm is not related to any "bad" history. I had an idyllic childhood. Totally normal. Very vanilla. I married the only guy I had slept with at 20. We were happy for 17 years and had fun playing with bondage and spanking etc. I am a very take charge type of woman. It's great to have someone you can trust enough to give over your fate to. Personally I don't think you can have such a great dom/sub relationship unless you are pretty well adjusted. To be able to trust like that takes faith in yourself and the other person.
In my job I see alot of really messed up people, and I can say with complete certainty the people on this site are much happier and well adjust than average.
Although I was sexually abused from the time I was nine years old (earlier, actually, but it was very brief and fleeting...not like the other was...which is what really, pardon the french, fucked me up for years), I feel that one has nothing to do with the other. Or it shouldn't.
In my case, as you can read in my bio, I was writing erotic stories from a VERY young age, 3 years before my ninth birthday...maybe even younger than that. And they were always dom/sub stories, though I didn't know the distinction at the time. Before I could write, it was pictures of the same; I can remember drawing them; though luckily I wasn't anatomically accurate enough for them to ever figure out what I was really putting down on paper.
Whenever I have been with someone in what everyone keeps calling a 'vanilla' relationship (STILL can't figure that one out) during the actual act, I 'go away' completely.
The only time I ever had a real sexual arousal was when I was writing my 'stories'. It was then that I couldn't keep my hands off my ex; and if he wasn't around, my hands off myself.
The only other time I have ever felt that way is on this site. Finding out who and what i really was...and what I really longed for. Now I only have to think of this site...and the life I hope to someday live for real.....and the same feeling happens.
So for me, despite the fact that I walk around excited all the time/damned inconvenient when you're trying to add a column of figures; this place was my 'awakening' to both [1] a lifetime of denial and [2] that real happiness was no longer just an elusive dream for me....but a someday, very real truth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by duktig flicka
I just wanted to add a thought here.
IT seems to me that it would make more sense that if a person is born with a presdispostion to being submissive, that would make them more valunerable to abuse. Aren't abusive people amazingly empathic when it serves their purpose of manipulating others? ISn't that why society refers to molestors as "sexual predators"? They just know a child that wants to please authority figures, and they know what buttons to push to make that child do what they want. Even in physical abuse or verbal, the same scenario is playing itself out. The abuser has to find a person who is valunerable enough to take the abuse. In childhood, it is a lot easier, because ALL children want to please authority figures and ALL children are extremely weak in comparison to adults. (I mean inregards to influence from adults.)
I think the reason why so many BDSMers struggle with this very question is because most of us became "aware" very early. I don't think (at least personally) that it is the abuse itself that messes with a person's head, it is the extent of your understanding about what is REALLY going on. ie the abuser's motivations, awareness of the manipulation, awareness of induced guilt by the abuser, etc....
The point I am desperately trying to make is the more intelligent, the more passsive, the more aware a child is the more susceptible that child becomes to abuse. In my dealings with other like minded people, I have found that the above criteria is very common among the BDSM community.
The reason I believe people are drawn to BDSM is because it fulfills sexual arousal on many many different levels. The more aware of yourself you are, the more levels a sexual partner has to "touch" to truely satisfy.
Since i've been intensely discussing this with someone on the board for about an hour and a half now, I'd have to give you hazzzahs on this observation!
Makes perfect sense. We're walking, talking, breaathing radars.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lillianskye
I understand where you're coming from. I too was abused as a kid, by my dad. It can all get very confusing sometimes. I'm adding a summary of what happened to me later in life that changed me; I posted this in my blog a while back. Although I do give details here, most of it is my amateur attempt at psychological analysis. I don't want to upset anyone who has been abused... my experience is VERY unusual. If someone feels this is in the wrong section of the board then I apologise, so let me know and if necessary I'll move the post. I'm new here still so am not sure as to whart goes here and what doesn't.
Songs of Experience (not so much Innocence)
I'm sure poor William Blake would be spinning in his grave if he knew that someone on this site was misquoting his titles as I just did... although Lord Byron probably would approve.
Here's something from a female perspective, speaking from personal experience... now this, OBVIOUSLY, does not work for all women as we are all so different. It works for me, I know that for sure!
Rape is obviously about power, and control. On the victim's part, within fantasies and role play, it can also be about absolving responsibility and being forced to do what one secretly longs for or wants to experiment with. I would never have expected to like being violated, let along react the way I did. It's not something I've ever talked about much before, and it's an experience I'm still adjusting to, in some ways.
Going through all this has changed me. I feel that it is for the better, as I have learned so much about myself and others. Although I am, generally speaking, more guarded and careful because of what happened, it's opened various aspects of my sexuality that I never would have explored otherwise, and on the whole this has been good fun, although confusing.
I've gone on about it before in this blog, but didn't really concentrate on the psychological effects of being raped - which, is essentially what it was - but enjoying it. Now that really WAS confusing, to say the least.
The guys who got hold of me tied me up and went down on me first, forcing me to orgasm a few times... a battle which I did my best to fight, but lost. When they'd exhausted me, they had me, making me do whatever they wanted. Their justification of this was that as they'd taken the time to make me enjoy it, they could be as rough and brutal with me as they wanted to. They were. I'd always prefered gentler sex until then... so the fact that I came several more times, while being thoroughly degraded and treated like a piece of meat, really messed my head up for ages.
Afterwards, there was a vast amount of guilt and confusion on my part. As far as I'm concerned, rape is the worst thing that can happen to a woman. I've always believed that. It's one of these ridiculous myths that women secretly enjoy the REALITY, as opposed to the fantasy, of being raped. It is, generally speaking, such a horrendous experience.
With me it was very different because they made sure I was spent, so I was aroused to the extent that I couldn't stop myself enjoying it. I guess I really was very lucky in some ways, and it must be very tough for other women who have been badly hurt and traumatised to see me here, going on about how good it felt to be forced into something that I hadn't wanted. By making me come, the guys took away my dignity and threw my belief system up the creek for a fair while. Also, I never had rape fantasies before this happened to me, but have loved reliving my experiences ever since.
The most humiliating, and yet also the most liberating aspect of the experience was being forced to lose control completely, despite my pleading with them to let me go. I was made to react in such a personal and intimate way, to something brutal that I'd always despised and feared. By the end of the rape, I was begging them to stop and begging for more all at once. I still feel somewhat ashamed, that something like this excited me. The fact is, it did, and it still does.
Although it was quite hard to come to terms with what these guys did to me, I think in the longrun it really did help me open my mind a little and cope with shit from my past. I don't want to give the impression that they would have stopped - nothing would have stopped them from raping me that night. I didn't get any choice as to whether they did or not. Initially I struggled so much that they tied me up to make me submit, although I pleaded with them not to. It was a case of shutting up and dealing with it really, being their plaything for as long as they wanted. I can't say I was particularly frightened, because I knew them so well and I knew they wouldn't become violent enough to seriously damage me, so I did have some form of safety net there, but that was dependent upon trust - that in itself was a big mindfuck. It's kind of difficult to keep your trust in men who are forcing you into something you don't want to do, even if you feel damn sure they won't get carried away enough to hurt you much.
They took a lot of pleasure in manipulating how I reacted to them. I remember psychologically trying very hard not to let my body repond - I felt like I shouldn't let myself enjoy it because I didn't want it, and I kept telling them to stop... at which point they became more insistent. I was getting hotter and hotter and I felt as though, if I let them make me come, I'd lose my self-respect. Struggling to keep control of myself and ultimately losing that battle was confusing to say the least.
I had to deal with the fact that (as they correctly kept telling me at the time) regardless of what I said, I just couldn't ignore how good it felt after a while. It became far too intense a but I had no choice. IAlthough it was a shock, being forced to lose control felt better than anything I've ever experienced - I could let go of my inhibitions and not be responsible, which I think is why a lot of women enjoy rape fantasy.
They all had me several times and it was incredible. They'd taken me to the point where all I wanted was to feel them force me into submission and to lie helpless while they fucked me again and again. It was weird.
I felt dirty and very ashamed for enjoying it, but I was lucky in comparison to so many others. I wasn't beaten or hurt, so I felt I had no business being traumatised. One thing that really got to me was my reaction. I'd always enjoyed oral sex and being dominated, but nowhere near to that extent. If anyone had told me, prior to that night, that a man could force me to come I would never have believed it, particularly after what I went through as a kid. I learned to disassociate that experience from my earlier experiences because, this time, it had felt so good to be dominated.
Well, these guys opened my eyes. I'd never had rape fantasies before but after what they did to me, I've found that I have my most intense orgasms when I'm being coerced in a similar way. Lying there helpless while I was brutally taken was so intense.
I hope this hasn't upset anyone. :(
well thats what caused mine. you see, as a child my father would insert large objects (baseball bats, computer monitors, etc) into my supple anus, causing much pain but at the same time pleasure. he would then cockify my oral cavity three times in one second. this is, i believe, the cause for my love for bdsm :)
My first real post other than an intro :)
I know that my past history ( some petting type sex abuse from a friends older brother when i was four) caused me to be sexualized early. I struggled for a long time as an adult with coming to terms - not because it was an awful experience but _because i liked it_. Took a therapist reminding me that our bodies are supposed to like sexual activities before i could forgive myself for liking it.
My family was also abusive. Not sexually but my dad was a raging alcoholic and my mom verbally abusive. I grew up defiant(inside) and independent ( the 'i dont need anyone' syndrome). That led to me being the strong one in my relationships. At least the perception was that i was strong - in reality i was just too afraid to let things 'just happen'. So i was actually controlling.
Jungian stuff helped ...as did Transactional Analysis (smiles..as mentioned earlier in the thread)
My D/s relationship has given me a safe place to act out . My Dom is able to love me unconditionally....although sometimes He struggles to know if what i need is a spanking or a cuddle. Problem being that i dont know how to express some feelings...and i'm sure thats left over from childhood. After all if you are trying to please everyone and always be perfect...how can you learn about your own self?
I also was not allowed to express anger as a child. Even now i'm not too good at it.
Thank the gods He's stronger than me lol.
I'm not sure this message is very coherant .... but i sure understand where the original poster is coming from...
kist
You'd be surprised how many abused people end up here. I think it's because when you suffer from sexual abuse, especially as a child, you become somehow 'disconnected' from your sexuality.
The act of submission --- or dominating --- reconnects you again.
Before I found this lifestyle, I never fit. I just didn't.
Now I do.
To me, worrying about how you got here isn't important.
What is important is just EMBRACING it.....and learning to love yourself in the process.
You are who you are. It's as simple as that.
I was raped by 2 teenagers when I was 15 it was in no way anything to do with me being submissive we were not in a sexual or romantic situation they just decided to rape me. I was submissive before this happened (I was abused as a child not sexually and nothing to the extreme) and it had no effect on that although obviously it did affect other aspects of my life.
I am comfortable with my sexuality however when I first brought it up with my husband he was very uncomfortble. He knew about the rape and abuse and had great difficulty accepting what he thought as similar circumstances could give me pleasure.
I had a strange childhood, not abusive... really the opposite...
As I was growing up my mother and father were both lovely when I was young, but then they moved me to another school, forcing me to be in an all girls school after a mixed one. I hated it, and wept every night when I was 8. Then, as I got older, about 14-16 my mother moved towards christianity and turned very strict (protestant). At first I didn't mind, but when she began to be at church all the time I stopped wanting to please her. Her strict beliefs turned me away from that faith and I began to hate having any part of it. She went through my books and such and threw away anything thing she though could be anti-christian and so I stopped reading at all, for fear she'd realize I wasn't christian, as she checked the backs of all the books I read (I didn't want her to find out I wasn't and force me to church all the time... I knew she wouldn't accept it). Then I turned to writing as an outlet, I wrote sci-fi/fantasy stuff, all innocent, just a way for me to do something, with reading gone (something I loved). She soon found out about this, and banned me from writing anything again... I started to draw and paint, and went on to do art GCSE, but my mother hated the stuff I drew, as my art was non-christian according to her. So I got no praise.. but she could not stop me from doing it at school of course.
I did well at arts, but got no support from my family, and convinced myself I was terrible at it, even after getting A grades at school. My mother and father wanted me to be a doctor, but I hated that, and wanted to be a vet, but they didn't support me at all and I had to organise everything for myself in order to get into University while all my friends parents helped them along.
My mother started to read books about "boundries" in her life, and my father and her drifted appart as she didn't sleep in the same bed as him, and argued all the time. They never got divorced, but to be 15 and to be constantly hearing your parents argue is worse for me.
I started to count down till I could leave home and be free to live a life I wanted, but when I was 16 things got really bad. My best friend was a wiccan, I didn't care at all about that... it's just another religion, however my mother found out. She banned me from seeing her again, and since my other friends were Muslim, I stopped being friends with them too.. so at school I had no friends to talk to, for fear my mother would find out if they weren't christian.
I ended up crying a lot in private, and slit my arm (I can't slit my wrists, I hate it), it made me feel bette. No one ever found out, and very few even know I ever did.
I never had a boyfriend, as my mother only let me go out with 'good christian boys form church' but I wasn't going to date them. I hated myself for many years after. My family ignoring me, and only paying attention to tell me what I was doing wrong, with no friends or a loving family.... I still hate having anything to do with christianity (I don't mind if others are though, but personally I could never step foot in a church). I lived a very oppressive life through my teenage years, with no attention, something you really seek as a child. So, I went to rock concerts and festivals and got drunk and such when I was 15-17... and was always in trouble... with my parents fighting constantly...
Sorry for rambling.. I had to get that out...
I have to say, my need to be dominated doesn't come from that, I think it's almost that with a Dom I can be cared for.... :confused: A Dom orders you what to do, and you will inevitably get attention.. this could be a link with me childhood... I'm not sure. I drifted towards being a sub when I was about 13 though...... before the christianity set in... so maybe not.. I'll never know.
I think it depends on past life and what you are like anyway, a mix of both, which all lead to who you are. Ballet (as mentioned before) could make people either a sub, because of it. Or, as said above, you might already be a sub, and thats how you lived through it. Of course, the forcing to be a sub could make you hate being one, and make you a dom... it can go either way..
Karori-san. I think that this is one of the reasons for this page. And if it isn't or wasn't, :dunno: well so what.
Thanks :oQuote:
Originally Posted by allalone46
back when i first started having sexual relations, i didnt understand what all the hype was about sex. sure it felt good, for like a minute. and the thrill of being caught was kinda cool, but i just didnt understand it. Even with people i cared for, and thought I loved, it was just an act. I wanted it to mean something, be more than just something to do. When me and my now husband started with some light bondage it was something i would look forward to, it was more than just sex, it was being able to trust someone so completely that you could submit to them. There was a meaning in it for me. So, i think that yea, abuse could have led you down this road, but not in a bad pyscological (spelling is so wrong eh?) way. Think its just your way of letting someone you love know that you can trust them that much. Abuse henders up the trust issue. You trust someone not to hurt you, so you let your significant other take control to work out your trust issues...that make sense? because someone broke ur trust once with abuse, you put yourself forward testing trust with your bdsm life kind of.
im just rambling now...lol
thats just my 2 cents.
I'm a Dom and I've always been that way.
I recall being in primary school and fantasizing how delightful it would be to see a girl in my class caned on the bare bum.
My childhood was normal and not subject to any excesses. I remember getting into serious trouble on one occasion when I described my fantasy to another student who told everyone. After that I've learnt to keep my feelings to myself.
I'm sure that the nature and nurture debate rages in this area of psychology as much as everywhere else - but there are certainly some who are born wired up with this sexual preference.
Began with a fetish for masks and black clothes when I was thirteen. Went over to dreams of bondage with 20, and found BDSM with 28.
I find a lot of possible reasons in my childhood (family was good, but all the rest...). Today only one thing is important: it is part of myself, nobody can change it, and I like to be as I am.
My opinion of what the reasons are: human beings have the instinct to play. Playing helps to learn, to prepare for difficult dangerous situations. SM-people play the things they fear (or have once feared) most. Together with sexuality, it becomes addictive.
Note: that is only a theory, completely grown on my own rubbish, so nobody else is responsible for it.
honestly this thread has shaken my view a bit as there are many stories of members suffering from past abuse. based on my local bdsm community i've gain the perspective that the majority of people involved in bdsm came from normal stable childhood backgrounds, but eh, now i'm not so sure. i was never abused as a child, but i had my rebellious moments, which is totally normal for anyone. there's so much theories as to why people with past abuse being drawn to bdsm. but what about us folks with more calmer backgrounds? are we just drawn to it because of taste or is there something more?
I often think if I'd not meet my first BF and been raped by him would I ever have gotten into this lifestyle? The answer I will never know, becuase it happened and here I am.
I left for a time becuase I got the courage to do so, but I came back becuase for me it was the only lifestyle sexualy speaking that I new about and was in most regards comfortable with.
I meet a person, who I though I could trust will all my heart, but that trust was broken many times (I'd found myself in yet another abusive relationship).
I will say that knowing that you have it within you to find a relationship which is abusive is a good step towards learning to take steps to keep yourself safe. Knowing your past and getting help in regards to it does help (though finding a kink friendly therapst can take time as I found out - took me 6 years before I found someone to talk to).
Stay strong and you will find that the lifestyle can heal you when you find that person who is right for you (at least that I what I believe).
Take care
Question: Who has never had abuse in the past? Unless you have been in a coma or had the perfect parents, perfect family, went to the perfect school. We all have had some form of abuse some less extreme than others but abuse none the less.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandora's Box
I disagree. I wasn't abused as a child, and I didn't abuse my kids. While still too common, I think abuse is much less prevalent than you're stating.Quote:
Originally Posted by Kapital_Dee
I am sure that my present interests stem from an event that I experienced when I was twelve.I am not an author so please excuse my lack of story telling skills. I was staying at my Aunts house for the summer and one day her daughter,Pam, (who was the same age as me) and I got caught trying to steal sweets from our local shop.We were taken back to my aunts and made to admit to her what we had done. After she had promised the shop-keeper that she would deal with the matter we were sent to our respective rooms. A little while later we were summoned into the lounge and made to stand before her while she berrated us for our actions. At the end of our 'telling-off' she told me that I could either be punished now with Pam or I could wait for her to tell my parents when I went home.......being more scared of my dad than my aunt I chose the former option. Quite calmly she said that she was going to spank our bare bottoms and that we were to get undressed. Although my mind was in a whirl, it was obviously the accpeted punishment in this household because, with the exception of complaining that she didn't want to do it in front of me, a complaint quickly dismissed by her mother, Pam didn't seem shocked by the order.
Although I have a vivid memory of the actual event, the emotional aspects were and still are a blur. I know that I felt embaressed standing naked in front of my cousin and aunt but my arousal at the situation was all too plain to see. Was the arousal the result of my embaressment or was I embaressed at being aroused? All I know is that watching my naked cousin being held over my aunts lap while she had her bottom spanked is the singal most exciting thing I have ever seen. Even when I caught my aunt looking at me with a smirk on her face I still had to keep watching. After Pams spanking was over and she was sent back to her room, my aunt called me toward her and pulled me over her lap. During the spanking she gave me she kept saying how she knew that I had enjoyed seeing Pam nude and what a dirty and naughty boy I was. After my spanking when she told to get up. As I did so she grabbed my penis saying "I suppose you will play with yourself now?" That was it, the moment her hand touched me I came. I could hardly breath. She said nothing......just gave my penis a squeeze and looked at her cum soaked hand. After what seemed an eternity but was probabley only a minute or so, she just smiled and told me to go to bed. The fact that I masburated that night was used by my aunt on a number of occassions as a precursor to similar punishment sessions throughout that summer. Despite my best attempts, I could never draw Pam into a discussion about her feelings on that afternoons events athough I would love to know how she felt.
The strange thing is that it was seeing her get spanked that turned me on the most and still does. Maybe my interest in punishing submissive girls and women is the thought that they will experience the same embaressant and shame that Pam and I felt.......shame at being nude; shame at being punished and shame at being aroused by it all. I would be interested to hear of others first experiences and their reactions to them. [sr@btconnect.com[e-mail]
I think that this is an interesting part of the thread. The original question was about the possibility of abuse being a root cause of a desire to be involved in BDSM. I would think that this is more of a control issue. From what I have read, in a loving BDSM relationship the control lays with the submissive, (think safe word). The part of this post that then stands out would be the facts of adoption. When adopted quite young there is a very strong desire to be in control. We are safest when we control. We control as a sub by allowing or disallowing our dom to act. I would want to ask those who are subs if they feel this strong urge to maintain that control. As a black market baby (bought for $300 at 2 days) I really want to be in control. I do not think that being involved in BDSM stems from abuse as much as it may stem from that need to control or be controled.Quote:
Originally Posted by jaeangel
Too many random thoughts. Sorry :D
The first girl I "hooked up" with in college had a similar complex going on, though not as extreme. She was half Iranian and half Iraqi, with very strict parents that shielded her from everything and had control over everything she did (if she told them we were dating, they would expect me to marry her). She was also breaking up with a guy who she practically worshipped during her teenage years- she met him when she was 16 and he was 27. He had cheated on her numerous times, but she still stayed with him for years- until she got to college.
No big suprise, she turns out to have some serious complexes. In the daytime, she liked being "difficult," and stressed about her work constantly. However, in bed she was extremely submissive- she wanted me to slap her and call her "daddy's little whore" during sex; I could see where she was getting the impulse from. I ended that relationship pretty quickly; I knew that she was used to being dominated in every part of her life, and it felt wrong for me to fuel her complexes.
Just my opinion- I would say that you should enjoy doing what you like, so long as you (and your partner) do it out of love, instead of you just feeling that you are fulfilling a "role" set in early childhood.
The closest I ever came to being abused as a child was by a doctor who insisted on accompanying me into the pee-in-a-cup bathroom and insisted on holding the cup and wiping me (much more than was necessary) despite my telling him that I always did that myself. It grossed me out, but I was embarrassed so I only told my parents I wanted a new doctor because he smelled bad.
However, I've been kinked ever since I can remember. One of my best friends when I was really young was kinked too. We tied up Barbies and played Countess/slave with them. We fast-forwarded Disney movies to the "good parts," like in Sleeping Beauty when the prince is chained up. My parents yelled at us when they discovered our "Wedgie Machine," which if I recall correctly was made from a jump rope, but I didn't know that our games were unusual until I discovered that my other friends all refused to play them. Soo... my own experience has led me to believe that while abuse may play a role in some people's discovery of odd sexuality, other people have just always been that way.