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Q,
A brilliantly funny piece! Thanks very much for your hard work-I'm sure I'll never be allowed to forget the image of me in the pillory. And just as I thought I was earning some respect!
Ed. (standing)
By the way-Julie-Truly, have you got the phone number of that lawyer?
Princess Cariad stood before the mirror feeling rather pleased with her uniform, and gave an excited little wiggle as she thought of how Senor Clouto would react when he saw her in it. She did wonder if it really was necessary for her to stand on the table for quite so long as Ed stitched up the hem around her short skirt, although she accepted his assurance that a craftsmen needed to make sure that everything was just right.
As she waited she summonized her royal scribe Q asking him to open the honour scroll and add the following entries:
Duchess Julie Truly: For services in defense of the Princess’ body, and assurance that her head will never be chopped from her shoulders, and the additional title DT (Duchess Tart)
Edmundo: Appointed as chief dressmaker to the Princess, duties to include creating dresses for all state occasions and an endlessly changing variety of uniforms for the princess to wear before Senor Clouto.
Qmoq: For creative services way beyond the call of duty; the golden feather, and the princess' never ending admiration.
Senor Clouto: For……..and as the princess thought of the services she hoped the Senor would provide to the royal body when he saw her in her little soldier uniform she swooned and collapsed into Edmundo’s arms.
Oh Q that was wonderful!
This story was:
written by DominantDog aka Domontop
edited by Uncle Ed
and posted by me
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away-well in the mid west of England really; there lived a right nice bit of stuff called Princess cariad, or “Oi you!” as some admirers would say. Many a boy had nearly gone blind thinking of her ankles peeking from her shortest skirts. She had most impressive buttocks and huge eyes that were clear and square. Well they were impressive anyway. She had long black hair that shone, long legs, fingers, ears, nose, and such a long neck that prince sublimey, her cousin, painted barber shop pole stripes on it to stop birds roosting there.
She would walk about her Fathers kingdom (which Mummy had got into the routine of recarpeting every three weeks) righting wrongs And protecting the village people from marauding gangs of rude Unregisterds, who would carry away the towns folk and ask if they had any knickers on! Or other ghastly torments like saying suck my polos. Cariad would wave her wand and a chill wind would sweep them away. She would calmly grind some coffee beans and wave her coffee mug-the baddies didn’t stand a chance.
Now one day princess cariad was directing her gardener who was painting the thousand acre lawn with baby bio. As she handed him one of her special coffees her attention was drawn by a pencil to a curious thing in the garden next door. She shuddered; it was the garden of the evil sisters SUCKAMINT and MINTY LOU. They had brought from the finest Argos in the land a fine green and orange see- saw swing set. "HOW PERFECTLY AWFUL” Said Princess cariad “IT ALMOST SPOILS MY DAY!" But she didn’t half fancy a quick go on it! At that moment the sisters appeared swinging and sliding and cackling. Princess cariad turned away “DRAT” She thought “I WILL HAVE A GO”. And with that she froze an Unreg who was creeping away and vanished in a puff of blue smoke.
That night cariad lay and pondered her terrible craving for a slide and a quick swing. "Right I’m doing it" she said and slipped on her motorbike boots, fishnets and leotard and put her hair in a bun (or a bread role I’m not sure which) she paused to slip her giant canvas daytime skirt on in case anyone should see her legs. She slipped on a blouse and she crept out. Mummy’s snores were vibrating Daddy out of bed again and she giggled as she heard the thumps! She leapt over the fence and was soon swinging away “wheeeeeeeeeeee this is what common people must like doing” she thought as her skirts flew up as she went down the slide. “wheeeeeee” as she swung back and forward on the swing.
Suddenly to her horror she saw the evil sisters minty and minty-lou standing there with real angry faces! “WICKED CHILD” Said minty and cuffed minty-lou. “OI SLUT DONT CUFF ME” Said minty-lou and thumped minty!
“ENOUGH” Said cariad, “GET ON WITH THE STORY!” ...and with that she soon found herself locked in a 50 ft tower. "Bother" said Princess cariad as she only had the Daily Mail to read and couldn’t face any more Hot Wings and Micro Chips, which were all the wicked sisters gave her. She sat at the window wailing and grinding her teeth on a convenient grindstone. “Oh woe is me! Please help I have a church meeting at seven and I want to flash my eyes at the vicar! He’s lush you see.”
At that very moment just below her window, handsome prince Rupert was walking by. Looking up he saw Princess cariad and became extremely excited. He said to her “Hello there, I’m a big bear!".
”Pardon?” said cariad.
"You seem to be stuck. That’s terrible luck." He replied.
"Are you on drugs or something?” asked cariad".
“No wouldn’t you know it? I’m Rupert the poet!" said Rupert.
"You’re weird and creepy” said cariad. “Now get me out of this mess!”
"Madam don’t worry you’ll be free in a hurry!” Cried Rupert.
“Thank goodness!” said cariad “What will you do?"
“I have an idea but you might think its queer!” He said.
Cariad rolled her eyes, picked them up and put them back in! “GET ON WITH IT!” She cried
"Throw down your hair to Rupert the bear" He cried.
“What; what; what?” She screamed and he replied
”You may think it manic but madam don’t panic! Throw all your hair to that point over there"
“OK” Thought cariad. “Here goes!” and she shaved all her hair off and packed it into 25 kg bundles and threw them at the horrified bear. "BOMBS AWAY!” She cried,
Rupert was flabbergasted. In fact his gast had never been so flabbered! "You’re such a dunce I’m leaving at once.” He said "You’ll not escape any wicked witch You cut it all off you deserve a good switch!"
"What?” said cariad.
“Still attached when its sent Is what this bear meant” said Rupert
"OH no!” cried cariad ”You never said that! What now?"
Suddenly Rupert had an idea.” I HEAR YOU’RE A GIRL WHOSE ANKLE FLASH FLIRTS AND IS ALWAYS DRESSED IN LONG SKIRTS?”
"YES YES ! I DO I DO” Said cariad
”THEN THROW IT DOWN HERE AND I WILL APPEAR" Said Rupert.
“HOOORAY” Shouted cariad and began bailing out thousands of meters of silk down to the waiting bear, who was beside her in seconds.”Lets go” she said.
But Rupert had other ideas "Its all your fault I got stuck in this farce The least you could do is to show me your arse!"
“What do you mean you perverted bear?”
Rupert smiled and said “I’m trying to forge a sweet alliance Now drop your knickers it’s not rocket science!"
Jumping on the bandwagon that left town ages ago. Many thanks to those named herein for their permission, particularly Uncle Ed, for he is most certainly not a villain. Big thanks to Qmoq for catching all my errors.
My Fairy Story -- copyright 2006 by Maddie Mae
Once upon a time, there was a fair maiden named Maddie. She had been born into a family of considerable wealth and standing in her small town. When she was but five years of age, her mother and father died, leaving her to the care of her aunt and uncle. Aunt Cariad was patient and kind; she taught Maddie all the things a fair maiden needed to know. Uncle Colin made sure that Maddie was well-cared for, taught her to read and write, and made sure that Maddie's fortune was safe.
Maddie blossomed under their care and it was with great happiness that they watched her grow from precocious child to fair young maiden. Maddie's special talent was weaving and she could expertly work the loom, placing threads just so to create beautiful cloth.
One sunny day, Maddie headed to the meadow to collect wildflowers. She wandered, searching for just the right flowers. As she bent over to pick some daisies, she saw a shadow approach. Hastily, she stood and turned, dropping her flowers. Standing before her was a most handsome man, and Maddie's breath was taken away. She could feel her face warming and wondered what it was about this stranger that made her blush.
"Please forgive me, m'lady." The stranger bent down and gathered Maddie's flowers, then handed them to her.
"Th-th-thank you, kind sir," Maddie managed to say.
"A fair maiden such as yourself should not be in this meadow alone. There is much danger here of late. Please allow me to escort you to your home." He bowed deeply.
Maddie instinctively felt that she could trust the stranger and allowed him to escort her back home. As they walked, they spoke of literature and music. All too soon, they arrived at Colin and Cariad's house. Colin met them at the door. The men tipped their hats to each other.
"Maddie, please go inside," Colin said. Maddie obeyed, stealing one last glance at the handsome stranger on her way in, vowing to always remember what he looked like. Colin and the stranger walked off. That night, nothing was said of the stranger and Maddie decided it would be unwise to ask her uncle what he had spoken of with the man.
Three days later, Cariad asked Maddie to fetch some flour and eggs from market. Maddie set off with her basket and was approaching the market when hands reaching out from an empty building roughly grabbed her and pulled her inside. Before she knew what was happening, the poor girl had been bound with her hands behind her back and blindfolded. She could feel a knife near her throat.
"Not a peep, young maiden. Not one."
She felt arms around her shoulders and bottom; her feet left the floor and she was tossed over someone's shoulder. After being carried a short distance, she was dropped onto something hard. She could feel a blanket cover her. Suddenly, there was an abrupt jerk and she realized she'd been dropped into a wagon that was now moving. Slowly, tears began to trickle from her blindfolded eyes.
The rocking of the wagon lulled Maddie to sleep after some time. She woke when the wagon stopped. She was still and quiet, focusing on any sound she heard. Soon, the blanket was lifted and she was again picked up and carried. After a few moments, she could hear the sound of footsteps on wood and realized she was inside a building. Abruptly, Maddie was deposited on her feet again and the blindfold ripped off her head.
As her eyes adjusted to the light in the room, Maddie realized that she was alone in what looked like a dining hall. After a few minutes, she decided to walk around and look at the room. She saw a long table with just two chairs. There were two place settings, one at each chair.
"Sit."
Maddie started at the booming voice from behind her.
"Do not make me tell you a second time."
A tall man strode into the room. He wore black boots, a black leather vest, white shirt, and black pants. Maddie hastily sat on the chair nearest her. He was immaculately groomed, with a well-kept beard and neatly trimmed red hair. The man walked over to her, untied her hands and retied them in front of her. He walked toward the other end of the table, picked up a small bell, and rang it, then seated himself.
Almost instantly, a man entered the room, carrying two plates. He placed one in front of the man, the other by Maddie. The tall man began to eat. After a few bites, he looked up to see Maddie had not touched her food. "You'd best eat now. There'll be no food till breakfast."
Maddie looked down at her hands.
"EAT!!" he thundered.
Maddie picked up the fork and began eating as well as she could. She dropped some food in her lap and leaned forward a bit to keep anything that fell off her fork on her plate. The food was excellent, but she was too nervous to eat much.
After the dinner plates had been cleared, the tall man looked at Maddie again. He began to speak.
"My name is Sloth, Edmundo Sloth. I have heard that you are the finest weaver in the land. I need your services."
"But, sir, you did not need to take me by force."
"Not for this. I insist on only the finest material. I know that you have the skill to make it. You must make cloth that will not rip. I must have cloth that will not rip for when I fight dragons."
Maddie paled. "Sir, this is not possible."
"You will MAKE it possible! Or you will not leave here!"
"Like you're going to stop me. Just tying my wrists together isn't going to do that." Maddie rose and began to walk toward the door.
"I would not take another step if I were you," Edmundo hissed quietly.
She whirled to look at him. "Oh? Who's going to stop me?" Edmundo snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. He clapped his hands. Still nothing. Maddie turned to walk off. Edmundo yelled, "Hey! Stop her! She's leaving!"
Two men entered the room. They grabbed Maddie by the arms.
"Take her to the dungeon!" Edmundo thundered.
The men dragged Maddie away, kicking and screaming. Edmundo followed and watched the men as they stripped Maddie's dress from her and chained her to a wall, hands in manacles just below shoulder level, ankles cuffed about shoulder-width apart. Edmundo took a moment to admire her heaving breasts and the indignant look on her face.
"You can scream all you like. Nobody will hear you."
"That's what they all say," Maddie muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Edmundo ordered the other men to leave. He paced around the room. Finally, he approached her, carrying a wad of cloth and a flogger. He laid them on a table near Maddie and said, "Think well on what I ask you. I shall see you in the morning." He turned and left the room.
Maddie was able to doze on and off that night, never really sleeping soundly. It was during one of those moments when she dozed that Edmundo entered the dungeon. He quietly walked up to her and picked up the flogger. He smacked her thighs with it.
"OW! Hey! What'd you do that for? I was sleeping!"
"It is time for you to go to your loom. Are you prepared?"
"I told you. What you ask for is impossible. I cannot make cloth that will not rip."
"You can, and you will." He picked up some rope and released her arms, tying her wrists together behind her. He led her up two flights of stairs to a small room with a loom and large barrels of thread. He shoved her into the room and slammed the door shut behind her. Maddie could hear a latch turn.
Maddie stared at her surroundings. She could feel her spirits drop as she wondered what would happen to her when Edmundo returned and she had not been able to produce cloth that would not rip, she heard a small voice.
"You can do it."
Maddie looked around. In a corner of the room, she spotted a black cat with delicate white-tipped paws. Surely, the cat could not be speaking to her. I must be delusional, she thought, to think a cat is talking to me. But when she heard the voice again, she realized it did come from the cat.
"I say, you can do it."
"But how? Can you tell me?"
The cat licked its paws. "I could tell you. But I require payment."
"Anything!" Maddie dashed over to the cat, kneeling before it. "I'll give you anything as soon as he lets me go."
"That's not good enough."
Maddie was puzzled. "But I am being held captive here! I cannot get you anything."
The cat stared at her. "I want white chocolate. In large quantities. Now. Tell him you will need it to make the cloth."
Maddie was convinced she was hearing voices. What would a cat do with white chocolate? Before she could ask, the cat ran through a hole in the wall and disappeared.
Maddie pounded on the door. Soon, Edmundo entered the room. "What? Why do you disturb me when you have not woven any cloth?"
"I. . . I need something. White chocolate. Lots of it," she stammered.
"White chocolate? Whatever do you need white chocolate for?" Edmundo stared at her as if she were truly insane.
"I need it so that I can make the cloth so it won't rip. It's a weaving thing. Really."
Edmundo looked at her doubtfully and said, "Fine. You'll have it within the hour." He slammed the door shut.
After an hour passed, Edmundo returned with the white chocolate. He dropped a barrel of it in the room, looked at Maddie, who smiled hopefully at him, and left, shaking his head. Maddie ran to the barrel and lifted the lid. It was full of white chocolate.
"Is that my white chocolate?"
Maddie turned at the sound of the voice. "Yes, it is. But I'm still puzzled. What would a cat do with white chocolate?"
As she spoke, she saw dazzling lights around the cat. Soon, she realized there was no cat anymore, but a magical-looking creature, a sparkly fairy-like being with no wings, wearing a "UK Girls Rock" t-shirt and jeans. "I am Suchaminx. Sit at your loom. As you weave, the cloth will become indestructible."
Maddie looked at Suchaminx doubtfully, but sat down and began to weave. Suchaminx flittered over to the white chocolate and began to eat from the barrel. Maddie wove for hours, creating beautiful cloth while Suchaminx watched, nibbling on her white chocolate. Finally, the thread was all used. Suchaminx pulled a wand out of her back pocket and waved it over the fabric. She then waved her wand at the barrel of white chocolate and both she and the barrel disappeared. At that moment, Edmundo returned.
"I see you have completed today's work. Come. You may eat and then you will spend the night in the dungeon again."
"But I've done as you asked. You have yards and yards of fabric here! You don't need me anymore."
"Oh, but I do. I think it's time Sloth Industries takes over the cloth market. And you're going to make that possible." He dragged her by her arm down the stairs to the dining room, where he pushed her into a chair at the table. Maddie picked at her food, saddened that she would not be released. When Edmundo finished his dinner, he tied Maddie's hands together again and took her to the dungeon.
Maddie stopped just inside, looked around the dungeon, and sighed. Edmundo pushed her toward the wall and chained her as he had the night before. Instead of leaving, he picked up the flogger again. He leaned on a nearby table.
"Perhaps tonight I should begin teaching you to properly obey me. Maybe I'll make you my mistress, in addition to my weaver." He picked up the flogger, caressing the leather strips as he advanced on her.
Maddie's eyes widened. She raised her chin. "I. . . um. . . What did you have in mind?"
Edmundo stopped in his tracks. He blinked a few times, frowned, then said, "I shall keep you in my dungeon at night, have my way with you when I please, and, when you misbehave, I shall take great pleasure in using this flogger on those milky white legs of yours."
Maddie nodded thoughtfully. "So there'd be tying up of me, right?"
Edmundo nodded. "Of course. That goes with being my captive."
After a bit of consideration, Maddie said, "OK."
Somewhat startled, Edmundo said, "I'm sorry?"
"I said, 'OK'. When do we start?"
Delighted, Edmundo smiled and raised the flogger. "You don't mind pain, do you?"
"Never tried it. Willing to, though. But could you scratch my nose first? I can't reach it. Oooh. That's it. Thanks!"
Out of the corner of her eye, Maddie saw movement. Sneaking down the stairs was the handsome stranger. He raised a finger to his lips and waved his hand at her.
Maddie shook her head. The handsome stranger motioned again, waving his hands frantically, trying to indicate that Maddie should not let on that he was approaching. Maddie shook her head, waved her hand to dismiss the handsome stranger, and turned back to Edmundo. "So what do you do with that?" she asked.
The handsome stranger picked up a long, thin piece of wood, aimed it at a rock on the floor, and thwacked the rock in the direction of a statue of a gnome. The stone caromed off the gnome's head and hit Edmundo in the back of the head, knocking him out.
The handsome stranger dropped the wood and dashed over to Maddie, falling to one knee before her.
"Fair Maddie! I am so pleased that you are safe!" He released her from her chains, grasped her hand in his and kissed it.
"Safe? I was safe already! Did you think I was being held against my will?"
"Well, you were in chains . . . and he had that whip . . ." The handsome stranger looked puzzled.
Maddie snorted derisively. "Duh. Because it was *fun* And it was a flogger, not a whip!" She turned and stormed off. Before she knew it, a hand grabbed her wrist and jerked her around again. She could see an evil glint in the handsome stranger's eyes.
"Is that so?"
Maddie faltered for a moment. "Well. Well, yes. It was fun. And now you've gone and knocked him out!" They looked over to the spot on the floor where Edmundo lay. He was just beginning to stir and moaned loudly, gently touching the back of his head.
The handsome stranger looked at Maddie as if he were thinking hard. He grabbed her arm and led her out of the building, picked her up and placed her on his horse, then got on in front of her and rode off, speaking not one word until they arrived at her home. As they dismounted, Colin and Cariad ran outside and welcomed Maddie joyfully. After embracing Maddie, Colin turned to the handsome stranger.
"Good Qmoq, I thank you for bringing back my niece. You must allow us to repay you in some way."
"Give me her hand in marriage. And the rest of her, too"
Colin's smile faltered. "Sir, that is too much of a price to ask. I fear I cannot comply."
"Besides. What makes you think I'd have you?" Maddie demanded.
Qmoq, for that was the handsome stranger's name, leaned over and whispered into Maddie's ear, "You think that guy had a well-stocked dungeon?" She nodded. "Nothing compared to mine."
"I'll take him, Uncle."
They were married a month later. They lived happily ever after, much of which time Maddie was chained to something.
Ha! Another budding writer!
Well done maddie! You saw through me and through my disguise! *disappears in a flourish of cloak and twist of moustache...*
Lovely work, young maddie :)
Keep it up! And if you carry on writing like that, I'll have no problem keeping it up.
Q xx
smiling - I did enjoy reading it dear neice, Uncle and I are both very proud of you.
cariad
maddie, thank you so much - a wonderful story (even if Uncle Colin sounds rather more sensible and nice than me), great fun to read, and I hope the first of many. Keep it up!
CC
maddie
I love being your cat ~smiles~ and thank you for the barrel of chocolate
minx xxx
You are quite welcome, minx. You were the only person I thought of for the job.
Thanks again, y'all, for the nice comments. I do appreciate it.