Why Do We Submit??

(i'm new here so forgive me if i'm steeping on any toes)

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What I discovered is that I am seeking what I was missing when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me very much and did their best for me, but more often than not they were too involved in their personal lives to really focus on me. I always had everything I needed - but was more or less left to my own devices.

I was a pretty good kid, and was quite independent from an early age. I could easily coast by in school without much effort. I never did anything that caused my parents to distrust me. As such the words "do your homework," "be home by midnight," "practice your music" or "eat your vegetables" were never uttered in my direction.

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Because of this, I have often looked back and wondered what I could have done if someone was there to push me a little. What potential could have been reached if only I had something more to rely on than the typical teenager's sense of what is important.

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Wow, icould have written much of your post myself, except that i had a rather strict early childhood but after their divorce that changed. My Dad had been to the one to set and really enforce the rules, but we lived with Mom after the divorce and i think she was scared i would choose to go live my Dad if she tried to get tough. As far as my Dad went, well who wants to be the bad guy when you only see your kids a few weeks a year.

Anyways your post has given me much food for thought. I also realize that my own submission is part of who i was at birth, although it's also very much wrapped up in my ability to trust. i have trust issues so reaching that level of trust with me isn't easy. Before the divorce i was very much Daddy's little girl and he was the last person in the world i wanted to displease. so in looking back i realize some of it is a part of who i always was. Maybe events in my life have caused the exxageration of that personality trait, but the trait has always been there.

As for the why, but because it feels right and good. Because i feel more at peace living this way. Because knowing that there are rules and boundaries makes me feel secure. Because hearing that "good girl" fills a need within me. Becuase His happiness is my happiness.

i hope this makes sense as these are thoughts that i am still trying to sort my self.

jaylia

p.s. nowgirl, that is an awesome quote.

A very interesting read from everyone. It is interesting from a Dominants perspective what is common amongst many, seems to differ ever so slightly.

I have studied psychology for a number of years, both in University and on my own, and find the psychology behind BDSM to be completely fascinating. In fact, much of my draw to the lifestyle was that it was a simple extension of whom I was as a person in my professional life, and my personal but non-sexual life.

While I appreciate and enjoy the sexual aspects of BDSM, the non-sexual holds a very different dynamic in that it is mostly psychological stimulation that attracts me to submissives.

Sorry if my post seems like hijacking your thread lily, I did not intend to do that in sharing my thoughts.

SKOTC.

OK, newest epiphany.....

I have always been viewed as a control freak. I hate chaos.... detest uncertainty. I take risks, but they are well calculated, and I much prefer to know the outcome before I get started. I research everything.

In my academic and professional lives, I have often been the leader, the one taking charge. But upon further thought I have realized that the source of motivation for this is not my desire to be in control, it's that I hate the chaos and confussion so much that I will step up if I have to.

I much prefer the control to exist from an influence that is not myself. I can lead... but if given the choice I prefer to follow. However.... I will only follow someone I consider to be "worthy" of my loyalty. If I think I can do a job better, I will. If things start to go sideways, I will take over.

I need control. But I don't need to be IN control.... I just need it to exist, and preferably be strong enough that my instinct to take over doesn't kick in.

So this is one of the reasons why I submit. And it is one of the reasons I can only submit to confident, dominant men.

And this has been another episode of Deep Thoughts by lily. Hope you enjoyed.

^^^^^

Of all your deep thoughts we've had the chance to talk about, I thought this was one of the better ones.

"I need control. But I don't need to be IN control.... I just need it to exist"

This is, plain and simple, a very big thought. It sums it up so well.

Thanks Lily for posting this to begin with and I'd like to thank everyone else that contributed here. Self exploration is a long and ever changing journey, but one that I enjoy. It's the "why's" and the little differences that make us all "tick" that intrigue me, and the similarities that comfort me.

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?

I am submissive, something I have came to terms with, and it’s as much a part of me as my eye color. Why? I honestly have been digging for this answer for as long as I could put a name to it. I have many theories, but have not settled on any as of yet. I do know that it is a deep rooted desire and need to have that connection that leads to my submission and have it accepted.

I find many rewards in my submission. I gain peace, inner knowledge, greater intimacy, confidence, guidance, strength, escape, pleasure, and nothing more important then the ability to please the one that has given me all these.

That being said it does not mean that submit to just anyone. I have found for me it is almost an inspired reaction of my subconscious to a deep connection with another. In fact I have only felt the desire to submit to four men in my life, two of which had no idea what to do with the reins once handed them. The first man whom I truly submitted to leads me to the next question.

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?

I ran face first into it. Back in my younger and much wilder days, I was a naive 19 year old. I was introduced to a friend of a girl I had known most of life. I became immediately attracted to him and everything about him. Almost embarrassed to admit now, but I did everything in my power to seduce him. He warned me that I didn't know what I was getting myself into but after scolding me for how crass I was being, he gave in. I think back on it and that first night still seems so intense. I would think he was almost trying to scare me off if the next morning he had not said "next time your in need of a good spanking just asks." That was the beginning of a very gratifying two and half year D/s relationship in which he lead me to discover my submission, and put a name to a trait I already possessed.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

I related very closely to what lily had to say on this subject.
In my vanilla life I present both traits. I tend to be a bit bossy at times but only when I see that things are not being done correctly (according to my younger sister for one), I am a strong opinionated woman, and in groups I usually end up in some form of leadership role. Though now that I look at that, I do not strive for those positions, but more end up there when others do not step up. I am also a giver, peace keeper, and like to please, but not to the extent of doormat. I'm a listener and quite often find myself being asked advice. I think that is because I have pretty good ability to look at all sides of situations.

Sub mode is always in effect in relation to my Dom, but I do feel different levels of it between daily conversation and play for instance.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?

I have tried to bury it, tried to ignore it, to smother that part of me, dismiss it as something I would surely grow out of... all to no avail. Finally, I think I have accepted it. Though I do admit I still question my sanity. What I would change leads to the next question...

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?

I'm married, and like so many I've read about here I'm in a very vanilla relationship for the most part. My husband is aware of my kinks and my past to a point. He has even from time to time indulged me with a watered down version of kinky sex. I have tried to explain to him and even linked him to information in the past about D/s. He does not comprehend it, and has no desire to go any further than we previously have. Not too long ago I forced myself to accept that I could not change him and should not want to. He isn't "wired" as a dominate, even if he presents certain dominate traits. So I find solace in places such as here, knowing that at least I'm not alone.

Here are my answers to your questions. I hope that this helps.

1. I submit because I derive pleasure from pleasing others. I am better at following orders than giving them. Also the reward at the end is usually worth it. The praise, love, and care that is given to the submissive is worth it to me.

2. I was introduced to bdsm by my boyfriend. He was always the more dominant one and apparently had been into bdsm for years. One night at a restaurant he showed me an example of this hobby of his and I have enjoyed it ever since. There were some bumps along the way. At times he confused abuse with bdsm.

3. My bdsm lifestyle and regular lifestyle clash from time to time. My sub trigger is usually the way my master caresses me and then calls to me in a certain voice. It arouses and excites me and makes me wish to be his sub.

4. Sometimes I think I should find better masters. The ones I find tend to enjoy inflicting pain a little to much. I am a submissive, not a punching bag.

5. I left one master because he was much too violent.