Very worried that current bdsm is caused by past abuse

The sub I used to have (which I mentioned in my bdsm life section) has very low self esteem. She was or so she said, abused by her ex-husband. It got to where she did not seem to think she could find a job so had to prostitute herself at which point I really started to have enough. I don't know if that has anything to do with what makes a sub a sub, but I guess there's all kinds of reasons. We can't just get rid of it. As a dom, I have tried that myself because of the hurt it has caused me. I can do vanilla but not for long. It's like swiming against the tide. Be yourself.
IMADOM

Here is your answer.

You enjoy BDSM because you are hot wired that way. It's not a good thing or a bad thing it's just the way you and many others are.

Not everyone who has been abused are into BDSM.

Not everyone who have never been abused are 'nilla.

We are what we are. We would all do well to accept ourselves as unconditionally as humanly possible, the way some hope to accept a Master, IMO.

*hugs*

Good luck,

Fury

One thing I've learned is that there are as many ways of doing and experiencing BDSM as there are people doing it. My opinions, therefore, apply only to myself--my own desires and experiences.

BDSM had nothing to do with abuse to me. There can be pain involved, but it's the pain of intense emotion and desire, not the kind of pain caused by abuse and contempt. I've never had anything but the deepest respect for the subs I've been with, and they always know that. Submission means nothing to me unless the person has something worth giving up. I don;t deal with masochists.

That being said, I know there are subs who are in it for the raw pain, humiliation, and punishment, just as there are Doms who practice BDSM out of a basic hatred and rage for the opposite sex or for anyone who might dare to love them. Those are deep and dangerous waters, though, and I stay out of them.

The original question amounts to asking, "What causes someone to enjoy BDSM?" and that's a very difficult question. I had all sorts of theories at one time, but now I tend to agree with those who say it's something we're born with, hard-wired into us. It seems to be some sort of primal mating beahvior. Some of us have a need to act out these deep feelings of the male as aggressor and controller and the female as submissive and controlled, and we experience such play as intensely erotic. That seems to be true for me and the subs I know, and that's about all I can say about it.

I've always had a kink, and not really been abused in my life by any control/parental figures... though my life was a bit odd...
I grew up in the enviroment where my mother, her sisters and my grandmother had all been brought up to find a good, rich husband and marry well. My mother and her sisters broke out of this a little and married who they wished, so it didn't really affect me too much. I went to an all-girls schools, and was only ever allowed to go to private school for girls until my final 2 years because then a mixed (still private) school was needed so I would find a boyfriend amongst the boys there.
It was all about representing our family from a young age, my little brother must have worn more black-tie suits than many would in their life by the time he was 10.
I learnt to walk in heels at 11 and still have so many ball-gowns and dresses, going to a party where you had to dress up was a monthly experience for me from being very little.
I personally loved it really, the trips to London for clothes, the parties, opera's..... then as I got older i realized how strange a life it was. It was fun, but I knew it was a life I couldn't possibly continue always, I wanted to be a vet, but everyone said I should go into fashion/graphic design..... People back-stabbed and you couldn't trust anyone, no one was very nice but my school friends who weren't a part of the life i had, i realized that it wasn't a nice life to be living..

I still dress up and go shopping, but when i moved out i change a lot and liked life better, the people were less frivolous and more normal and kinder..... hmm, i sound quite old reading that post :p but i'm only 22

I myself was raped when i was 14 my an freind, that was 6 years ago, since then i have an thing bout being forced to have sex while outside,and insdie for that matter, my either my bf or a stranger, in a VERY sick way i think some part of my brain enjoyed it my god know why at the time i was petrifed but now im not, ether theres somthing wrong with both of us or it mybe slightly normal dont know?

I have a slightly different opinion on a lot thats been said here, so I'll try to explain myself as best as I can.

I am a male, and I have, on occasion, dreamed of forcing a female to 'submit' to me, completely. It never got past the dreaming stage, and now when I look back on that time I can easily understand where my emotions were coming from. As an adolescent, I was always very shy. I had trouble talking with my equals, and even though I had a large group of friends and was 'popular', I still felt uneasy around people, and probably got those friends by simply doing whatever they asked. I was never physicaly abused, probably the worst i experienced was taunting - nothing in comparison.

Contrast that with my fantasies. I dreamed of being an all powerfull, evil man that would keep another and force her to do my will. I was simply trying to be what I couldn't (at the time) be in real life. Add in the fact that I was only a kid discovering sex, and you can easily see where my fantasy comes from.

Later, when i entered college and had normal relationships with friends, and partners, all of my hidden fantasies and aggression melted and I only look back on that time.

Now that you understand my background, and as you know i never experienced any abuse, i can only guess at what it must be like.

When people who were abused in their past feel a need to be abused in real life - if only in BDSM or a D/s relationship - I feel that you are simply living with the same mental frame you put yourself into, back when you were being abused.

At a youg age, people are given their core values by their parents. Usually, kids are told over and over that stealing is Bad, that hurting other people is Bad, and a long time ago, in America, people in the south were told that African-Americans weren't on the same level as other people. My point is that if someone is raised in a certain environment, you can instill both (what we now see as) 'correct' and 'incorrect' instincts in someone. Some of that process is obvious - the laws against stealing, hurting, etc. A lot of it is more subtle, and takes place without you even knowing it.

When i refer to these instincts, I'm not talking about annoying parents - in most cases people rebel against those values. I mean the really basic ideas no one questions, for example the unspoken rule that everyone must wear clothing. Probably more true some decades back, but even now people get an irrational feeling of shame when you see them naked. Are they ashamed at their body? They know, as intelligent people that everyone has essentially the same body parts, but still, they feel that sense of shame and try to cover it up.

If you accept the premise that people are instilled with these subconsious 'values' at a younger age, re-examine the life of someone abused at an early age. They were clearly subjected to vastly different stimuli, so their 'values' are clearly different. In my opinion, they picked up the notion that what was happening to them was how it shouuld be. It was right to them, when clearly it was very wrong.

Fast forward in that persons life, and you have a person that still has that subconsious feeling that they should be abused, because thats how it was for them X years back. It isn't a big leap from feeling that certain actions are 'right' to feeling that they are good, and finally pleasurable.

People have trouble letting go of these subconsious 'values'. Again, look at the very obvious slavery problem America had, back in the 50's. You had older people - raised with the 'value' that African-American's were sub-human, and they had trouble re-learning what they were taught when they were little.

So, my advice to anyone with a history of abuse, and now enjoys it; look back at your life. Were you 'taught' to tolerate the abuse? Were you 'taught' to accept that submissive position? Did it happen long enough for it to, essentially, indocrinate you with a feeling of submission?

I personally think that every person also feels a desire to be happy. On a primal level, you want to be happy now. For evolutionary reasons, the act of reproducing, or sex, makes everyone happy. This is an instinct everything has, the instinct for both you, and your species, to live on. For that reason, when you do have sex, you feel 'good'. It is the easiest way for a person to feel happy, regardless of who they are and what they are doing. Add to that a subconsious feeling (of submission) - that is more prominent when the more critical part of your brain is too busy enjoying the moment - and you have a desire to be dominated, sexually. When you look back at your first such experience, you probably want more, and it snowballs from there.

There may be nothing wrong with it. Everyone is entitled to their own way of feeling happy. I think the problem with it becomes when it turns into an obsession, when it becomes all you think about. That hedonistic tendency is displayed in people who find other means of feeling 'happy', for example, obssesive gambling.

I don't claim to know the meaning of life; I don't know 'why' people exist, but I do know that escapism, crudely, is bad. You should not become obsessed with any one thing. Trying to extend a certain pleasure by shaping your entire life around it is not a good idea.

So to answer the original question, of "is it O.K. to feel submissive, and to take pleasure from it" really can't be answered by another. I feel that as long as you understand why you feel that way, you need to decide for yourself if you are ok with it. But again, just a caution: don't become obsessed. I may enjoy gambling, or playing games, but I wouldn't want to center my life around that. To me, there are other things in life.

To summarize what I have tried to explain, if you understand how, and why you have certain feelings, you can make your own educated decision about them. To try and put aside any second thoughts is escaping; to shut them out will only make them gnaw at you. I hope that this may have helped someone understand where their feelings came from.