Silke's ramblings...

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Originally Posted by Silke

Hey hawk, no worries...I'm losing track of myself sometimes, lol. ;) And thanks for the flattering words, I'll try and stay with y'all. *grins*

Evan - glad to hear that the knee issue was resolved without violence, lol. The pacifist in me rejoices. :D

Hmm, routines *ponders*. Only item of 'clothing' allowed at home when I'm alone is my collar (which I wear almost all the time anyway); all drinks at home are from a bowl; no touching myself for sexual pleasure without permission (well, there's a way around that *grins*...with tasks from the academy...shhhhh ;)); and I sleep with a leash attached to my collar and bed at night....

We have a few private games as well, but those shall remain exactly that...private.

The things that he added last night were soooooo nice and mostly there to add a little pleasure to my lonely life and show me that he cares. First of all I'm allowed a CUP of coffee in the morning, YAY!!! I begged for that, lol. The other huge thing was that I'm allowed to cum every other day and 'have to' *raises eyebrow* masturbate to the edge of orgasm at least once a day. ;) A completely new one is practicing a position before going to bed - I mentioned that I was getting out of training, go figure - ask and you shall receive. But it's such a nice submissive thing to do and puts my mind on him before I go to sleep, there's something meditative about holding a position and I like that a lot. :)

A special treat was that he added to my last task at the academy. Knowing that he took the time to go through the task and come up with something for me made me melt on the spot.

You see, it's all little things, but with every single one of those routines I'm reminded of him and feel him close. *sighs happily*

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silke, you do sound happy again and that is so great. Hope it always remains that way for you.

Thanks Warbaby...yeah, woke up with a smile this morning and I also hope it stays that way. :) Sometimes happiness is just dumped on you but more often it's something we create for ourselves...and that is something I'm willing to work on. I have so much to be thankful for and smile about, it's all a matter of choosing your perspective...

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Originally Posted by Silke

Thanks Warbaby...yeah, woke up with a smile this morning and I also hope it stays that way. :) Sometimes happiness is just dumped on you but more often it's something we create for ourselves...and that is something I'm willing to work on. I have so much to be thankful for and smile about, it's all a matter of choosing your perspective...

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So true. We often have to make our own beds. It is nice to have someone to share that bed with if only in our hearts.:wave:

I'm glad he contacted you. =) I hope that I will be able to find a Master who makes me feel the way you do about yours. I wish you extreme happiness, giddiness and giggles in completing your new tasks. =)

*smiles* I'll keep my fingers crossed for your search, MajesticFace. Never stop looking before you find the one who deserves your heart and soul...or he finds you as was the case with me. I know I was lucky that way. :)

Silke - Good to hear that by the looks of things, it's coming out well for you. And I'm not entriely sure it has to do with luck; perhaps more with simply finding what you deserve.

Be happy.

That's such a sweet thing of you to say, Timberwolf. I'm not always sure I 'deserve' him, he seems to be too good to be true, lol...I guess he sees something in me that I don't. But since I value his judgement in general, I'm not going to doubt him on this one...;)

By the way...what about that special lady you have met? *smiles* I've seen hints around the forums...

Just a young lady I've encountered here, who happens to live within a reasonable distance of me, share a fair chunk of my interests, and a mutual attaction. And we seem to have the habit of agreeing with each other all the time.

We shall see where it leads... but I would be a liar if I said my hopes were not up at this point.

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Originally Posted by MajesticFae

I'm glad he contacted you. =) I hope that I will be able to find a Master who makes me feel the way you do about yours. I wish you extreme happiness, giddiness and giggles in completing your new tasks. =)

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I'm sure you'll find someone MF- just be yourself. :)

All the best Wolfie, hope it works out.


Tojo

Hey, that sounds wonderful, Timberwolf! I'll keep my fingers crossed for the two of you...:)

Me too, Timberwolf! Hope she is interested in popsicles... ;)

Silke, good to see you happy! And from what I've seen from your posts, you deserve nothing less than the best... I'm glad you found it when he found you! :)

Thanks bunch, for the kind words and well wishes.

it seems the sun, the stars, the moon align and all is well.... we all go through moments of doubt, anguish, scariness...but then - something shifts - maybe it's perspective? and all seems clear.

silke, you seem to have come through this wiser, maybe more humbled? and with much support. you are an inspiration - thanks for sharing

kate & evan - your situation is so touching & so relevant...

and timber - good luck in your new friendship? connection? as i read your posts, you come across as very thoughtful but very - ummm - clever...

here's to a challenging week behind us and to a blissful week ahead.

cookiecat

Thanks, Kate! :)

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silke, you seem to have come through this wiser, maybe more humbled? and with much support.

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*thoughtful* Yes, I think I'm learning something here. I'm such a noob to relationships and all that jazz...and have been behaving a bit like a child who's been deprived of candy...throwing tantrums, feeling hurt, not being able to deal with those strong emotions. It seems like I'm finding new ways to cope now and yes, I feel humbled and a tad bit wiser. Maybe I'm growing up finally? :)

Everyone - have a great weekend and a little time with the people you love, be they physically close or only close to your heart and mind. :)

Hmm, it's been a while...

I thought I had adjusted finally, and probably I have. Last night was a set back, though. I've noticed something in my behaviour that made for an uneasy sleep and a horror day today.

Basically, I think it's a result of having such limited time together. I feel the time we have is special and I feel bringing up somewhat negative stuff would be a waste of time...which isn't a problem as long as there aren't any problems. *sighs*

Last night when we talked I fucked up big time...at least I think I did. Master surprised me with unexpected play time *big smile*...I knew he had limited time, though, and somehow I tensed up. Damn, looking back it all seems so ridiculous, no big deal! Anyway - when he told me to cum for him I was lightyears from being there...my mind was already with him leaving...no freakin' way I could have cum like that. Instead of telling him so, though, I lied...downright lied. I played the happy sub and we said our goodbyes.

I was crushed, immediately realized what I'd done and started writing an email to him, confessed and must have said sorry a thousand times. Right then it felt like I had just destroyed the basis of our relationship...hell knows, maybe I did. We've talked about how openness and honesty was essential to us...and I just overstepped that line with a smile on my face?? How can anyone be so stupid?

Anyway - the fear of having destroyed something beautiful and pure didn't leave me all day. It clung to me like dirt. Waiting for his reply has been torture...a huge mix of fear and hope. I dread having to face him after this but on the other hand it's talking to him that I crave most.

If I could only go back in time and do it right.

Silke, go & stand in front of the mirror- look yourself in the eye & forgive yourself.

From what I know about being a Dom, if my girl was perfect the whole thing would be pointless.

Our little mistakes- which we all make, are nothing more than ripples in the pool of our lives. :)

Tojo

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Silke, go & stand in front of the mirror- look yourself in the eye & forgive yourself.


Tojo

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Great advice....Silke....off you go.....;)

It is too true, if every connection we made were perfect, how would we appreciate the ones that truly were?

It is hard when you want so much to please him in the limited time you have.
But I'm guessing your Master knows you very well and this will be an issue that brings you closer.

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Our little mistakes- which we all make, are nothing more than ripples in the pool of our lives. :)

Tojo

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Tojo is most wise.

Thanks for putting a smile back on my face. I'll let you know how it goes...

*hugs* I wish the best for you, Silke. =) I'm sure your Master will forgive you, as long as you've forgiven yourself. Do as Tojo said, go look in a mirror and forgive yourself.

Just relax honey and eat some chocolate and some milk and simply breathe easy. Things will work out fine!

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Originally Posted by Silke

Last night when we talked I fucked up big time...at least I think I did. Master surprised me with unexpected play time *big smile*...I knew he had limited time, though, and somehow I tensed up. Damn, looking back it all seems so ridiculous, no big deal! Anyway - when he told me to cum for him I was lightyears from being there...my mind was already with him leaving...no freakin' way I could have cum like that. Instead of telling him so, though, I lied...downright lied. I played the happy sub and we said our goodbyes.

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Poor Silke, I understand because I did the same thing. We're good little subbies, wanting to please Master. You've probably been in training to cum on command, which is a very difficult thing to achieve, but, couldn't perform for a variety of reasons, the most important was the swirling thoughts about the short time you about to have with him.

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Originally Posted by Silke

I was crushed, immediately realized what I'd done and started writing an email to him, confessed and must have said sorry a thousand times. Right then it felt like I had just destroyed the basis of our relationship...hell knows, maybe I did. We've talked about how openness and honesty was essential to us...and I just overstepped that line with a smile on my face?? How can anyone be so stupid?

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Of course by now you know stupidity wasn't involved at all. Somehow, I feel he must have known that you couldn't perform under those circumstances.

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Originally Posted by Silke

Anyway - the fear of having destroyed something beautiful and pure didn't leave me all day. It clung to me like dirt. Waiting for his reply has been torture...a huge mix of fear and hope. I dread having to face him after this but on the other hand it's talking to him that I crave most. If I could only go back in time and do it right.

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If he is a good master, he will recognize what a devoted sub you are. He will also be pleased that you told him the truth, even if it is after the fact. The worst that can happen is that he puts you on cum deprivation. But I hear that's not a bad thing. :)

It is your duty to inform your dominant of things you could not do and to tell him why. You are human. Don't be afraid to be honest because he needs that information. He will tell you the same thing.

Dominants who don't ask questions of their subs such as 'why couldn't you cum,' or 'how do you feel about a short play session even tho I have a limited time,' don't value the gift they've received, the exchange of power with their submissive.

Be patient. You are very worthy.

Silke,

I hope by now you have spoken to your Master and you are feeling better again. I am sure he will understand and forgive you, and as Tojo has said, you need to forgive yourself too.

I am sure you are not alone is trying to please your Master and you can only learn from this and move on.

Silke, some great advice has been given! All I can do is offer you some hugs and chocolate ice cream :) I'm sure your Master will understand. Best of luck *hugs*

D'oh...how right you all were! *mental slap to forehead and big grin*

I'll tell you a bit more later (limited time before work right now) but just wanted to let all of you sweet souls who replied know that I'm fine.

Damn, he was so freaking cute about it. He knows me well, indeed, knows the hell I put myself through when I feel like I've failed him...every time I fear I've fucked up entirely, he surprises me with gently picking me up from the floor and giving me a hug.....know what I mean? *sighs* I love him. :)

Maybe I should channel my talent for worst case scenarios into writing, rather than into my D/s life ;)

'k, thanks for all the support and for getting me some perspective...I'll respond with a bit more when I get home tonight. Love you all. :)

Silke

'k, it took a bit longer than a day to respond more fully, lol. Sorry 'bout that.

nikita - yeah, we've been working on cumming on command, but haven't had a lot of time for that recently. If it had only been that I was 'late' I wouldn't have spent another thought on it - I'm not a machine, lol. I had a complete block, though. He asked me after a couple of minutes if I was still with him and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I wasn't even getting close and to leave it for the night.

The whole day after that I spent wondering why I lied about that. I think partially it was due to not wanting to end our precious time together with disappointing him (*sighs* of course he wouldn't have been disappointed)...but I couldn't help but wonder whether it ran deeper than that.

In the back of my mind there's always a tiny voice asking whether I'm good enough for him. He's been trying for ages to make me feel secure and loved just the way I am, and it's getting better. Sometimes, though...I just fall back into old patterns and I've been wondering whether I tried to put on a show for him that night. And it bothers me. He's not in love with a shiny facade, but with me - and if I hide myself behind that facade...well, it's not me. ;)

Anyway, since the reflex to let him know what really happened kicked in immediately afterwards, I think I'm still on the right track.

Lol, he really caught me by surprise that night, though...I'd been worried sick and he just walks in and comforts me. I must have looked like I'd just seen a ghost. *giggles*

What did it teach me? Above all, that I shouldn't be afraid to be me when I'm with him...he'll be there and catch me when I fall. It might not be such a big thing for a lot of people, but for me it's an important lesson to be learned, and God, I love him for this. :)

I'll try to be a bit more forgiving with myself in the future. If he can love me when I'm not perfect, maybe I can, too. *hugs Tojo for the good advice* :)

Oh that wasn't just advice Silke....that was a genuine request. :)

Glad you're OK- yeah it's important to remember that we're all human, subs & Doms alike.

To me this is about getting to know my girl, through & through- hence my belief that you need to do that first before any nipples are teased.


Tojo

Yep, agreed...it's an ongoing process, though. That kind of stuff keeps popping up more (or comes back) during times of stress. I guess you'll never stop learning, even when you're at the nipple-teasing-stage. ;)

Silke,

I just love to read your ramblings, you always seem to express so much that I am sure the rest of us have thought at one time or another.

It is only natural to feel unsure of things at times, but so long as you stay honest to your feelings and share them, your relationship can only continue to get stronger. As to taking Tojo's advice, you know my view on that one. He has not steered me wrong yet!

Silke honey,
I've never written anything in here before because I thought it might be impolite but I love your 'ramblings' - it shows how curious you are and what good company you'd be as well as downright adorable.
~kiss~
Asia
xxx

Hey gals...thanks for the comments. *smiles* Here's to staying honest to our feelings, Aussiegirl - absolutely all of them. :)

No need to hide, Asia! It's a rambling thread - just ramble away if you feel like it. ;) In a way, this is my way of exhibitionism...just that I lay open my feelings and thoughts instead of my body. I'm glad if any of this strikes a chord with someone or even helps to validate some of their own feelings, maybe even learn a little. It's my way to sort through the rollercoaster ride and make sense of the joy, fear, excitement and occasional pain...if it resonates with you - even better! I'd like to hear about it. :)

Silke,

i for one, love reading your ramblings:) .

Always good to know you're listening, frankee. *hugs*

Oh...and I'm waiting for some ramblings about that amazing time with your Mistress, too...;)

Yeah always nice to see you around frankee. :wave:


Tojo

'k, I've been pondering something. *shocked* ;)

One of my daily 'tasks' is to masturbate to the brink of orgasm at least once a day. No big deal, d'oh...? It's fun, pleasurable, hot...not really the thing that makes you roll your eyes, right? Well, at least some of the time...wrong. *sighs*

It's something that I just don't get about my strangely wired brain, but I've encountered this before: In times where I'm not allowed to touch, I'm constantly horny and would do anything to get some relief...even when I'm on no particular orders, reading this site usually gets me hot. But once I'm ordered to do this...well, the first few times it's great and then life kicks in and I just don't feel like masturbating at all. I don't get it, lol.

Now, I know this isn't about my 'feeling like it', at least that's not all of it. I should be doing it anyway to please my Master...but a few times I didn't. I didn't even try. (which sucks, cause when I do the 'feeling like it' part comes naturally, lol)

I haven't had the chance to talk this over with him yet, but will mention it the next time I write him tonight. I really don't know what causes this, though. It's not like I had a lot of stress or that I feel my daily routines are too much - I love them all and haven't missed anything apart from the masturbation task. :confused:

If I had to take a wild guess, maybe it's the missing tension (that denial brings about naturally - and I was on loooong denial before this, grrrr - love to hate it, lol)...maybe I felt that he only assigned me that task for my own pleasure (which I could take or leave)...maybe it's because I miss him so much? I honestly don't know, I'm just running through some possibilities.

Since I've encountered the same issue before, I'm sure there is a pattern somewhere that I just can't put my finger on.

Has anyone encountered a similar problem?

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Originally Posted by Silke

I should be doing it anyway to please my Master...
If I had to take a wild guess, maybe it's the missing tension ...maybe I felt that he only assigned me that task for my own pleasure (which I could take or leave)...

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My guess is that your Master hasn't given you enough discussion of the task, so it seems too much like you're doing it alone - which seems pointless. For example, would you feel differently about the task if he told you to do it at a specific time each day, so that he could think of you at that time with your fingers in the dripping pussy He owns, bringing His sub to the edge longing to cum and then denying her for His pleasure? Do you imagine your hand is his hand? I know whenever I've been given tasks to do on my own, Brosco spends a lot of time telling me how much pleasure he is going to get from thinking of me doing the task, and wants my thoughts focused on him while I do the task. Definitely makes it more inspirational.:)

By the way, Silke, are you and your Master still communicating by text only or have you added voice? Just wondering since things seemed to have gotten so much more intense for you.

fantassy

*grins* I like your 'discussion' fantassy...so, you're still with Brosco? Haven't heard from you in a loooong while. *curious*

And you're right, it does make a difference. We haven't had a whole lot of time to spend with each other recently and the fun talks have been somewhat scarce. Thinking about it, this might have played a part in my block during playtime as well. Everything between us seems rushed at the moment and I can only hope that we'll have more time soon...it's hard to get in the mood when you know he has to leave soon, your heart is already breaking and you try to establish some 'normality'.

I've mentioned some of my thoughts and difficulties to him in an email...we'll see what comes out of this. :)

We're still on the typing side of things, fantassy. The increase in intensity is just due to the hours and hours of talking we used to do. God, he knows how to get under my skin just with written words...I think I'll probably die once I hear his voice. Sometimes my heart almost skips a beat when I just think of him. NO friggin idea how he does it, lol.

I can't wait to have him back in my life more...I miss him.

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Originally Posted by Silke

*grins* I like your 'discussion' fantassy...so, you're still with Brosco? Haven't heard from you in a loooong while. *curious*

And you're right, it does make a difference. We haven't had a whole lot of time to spend with each other recently and the fun talks have been somewhat scarce. Thinking about it, this might have played a part in my block during playtime as well. Everything between us seems rushed at the moment and I can only hope that we'll have more time soon...it's hard to get in the mood when you know he has to leave soon, your heart is already breaking and you try to establish some 'normality'.

I've mentioned some of my thoughts and difficulties to him in an email...we'll see what comes out of this. :)

We're still on the typing side of things, fantassy. The increase in intensity is just due to the hours and hours of talking we used to do. God, he knows how to get under my skin just with written words...I think I'll probably die once I hear his voice. Sometimes my heart almost skips a beat when I just think of him. NO friggin idea how he does it, lol.

I can't wait to have him back in my life more...I miss him.

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Awwwww sweetie, i hope things go well for you and your Master. i know what you mean when things seem to be rushed and you don't get enough time with your Dom/me....damn i know that feeling all too well. *sigh* If only it were a perfect world.

Wish you all the best with big hugs and kisses:)

*peeks in and waves*:wave:

Hard to believe, but yes, Brosco and I are still together. I haven't been posting much because we have been in sort of the opposite situation of you and your Master. I've been out of town working and staying with a friend for the past couple of months, so my time has been very limited. Between working really long hours, having a long commute, spending time with my friend, and having limited privacy, I got to spend very little time with Brosco. Although we still managed to talk or email at least briefly most days, we only got to play a few times, and it just wasn't as good (probably because of the time pressures as you say and having someone else in the house). The psychology of the whole experience fascinates me. The entire two months, even though we were in contact, I didn't feel at all submissive and wasn't much "in the mood," as you said. I really began to dobut whether this entire BDSM thing was really for me. The day I returned home, I instantly became incredibly aroused and submissive - probably more so than ever before. The mind is an incredible thing.

*smiles* Thanks, gals! :)

Good to hear you've managed to live through the time apart, fantassy! And yeah, the psychology of D/s was probably one thing that sucked me in when I was first exposed to this. It still knocks the air out of me when I think about how deeply I've been sucked into this relationship - I'd never have thought this would happen, at least not with someone I can't touch, hear or see.

Interesting that you say you didn't feel submissive at all when you didn't get to talk to Brosco. Apart from the sexual tension that's been somewhat reduced for me recently, I've realised just how much I need and crave his guidance over the last weeks. I think about him so much during the day, realise that I try to be at my best for him, even in situations that are not directly connected to him, and all the routines we've established I have pretty much perfected, lol - probably since that's all I've got at the moment. So, if anything, I feel more submissive...just in a more platonic way.

I guess with you having to work that much, you just didn't have much time to think about anything else...for me it's the other way round. But in the end it boils down to the same thing - some of the intimacy is missing when you're apart and it takes a bit more than a short email or a few minutes together to get back into the flow.

Good to have you back, fantassy, and thanks for stopping by in my little thread. *hugs* :)