Greybeard69,
I didn't take it as a slight. I seemed like a general comment and I tried to make a gentle reminder. Sorry to hear about your mom.
butterflySlave4u,
Thanks for the clarification.
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Greybeard69,
I didn't take it as a slight. I seemed like a general comment and I tried to make a gentle reminder. Sorry to hear about your mom.
butterflySlave4u,
Thanks for the clarification.
We all have our touchy spots...
i'm sure that we can all understand that we all have differing circumstances. We must also try and understand that each person's perspective comes from their respective circimstances, and this isn't a thread for one type of abuse over another...
It is my practice to simply read the emotion in each post rather than the wording. Just the facts, lol. i, for one, have great difficulty articulating what i intend to convey when i am emotional, so when i post in here, it might not come out like i hope.
xxxxxxx
can i just add something here.
whatever the stories remember that something might just be a "trigger" for another person... which could result is a relapse for that person
wow cg thanks for bringing up triggers
dealing with "triggers" was one of the topics we discussed in the last private chat room meeting,
possible triggers for survivors have a very very wide range and vary from individual to individual based on thier own experiences with just about as many different ways of dealing with them, yet "deal" with them we must one way or another
heck a few nights ago in the lobby someone mentioned removing teeth and it provoked a deep response in myself, i had to log out and go collect myself
i am certian they had no idea that thier statement was going to effect me the way it did, it certianly wasnt thier fault i had difficulty with something like that
some triggers are so mundane to the perspective of others they are not aware of nor even begin to expect that you may be experiencing difficulty becuase of them
I´d like to point out that everyone can have triggers without being aware of them. Even people with no abusive background whatsoever. Or it might be something no one ever did to you before. Even if it is done by your loved one, it can be a trigger.
For a gay friend of mine, it was being slapped.
For me, it was getting spit in the face.
Sometimes you hate the triggering action so much you avoid it at all costs.
Sometimes you start to include it into very intense play sessions.
It´s your feelings and your decision.
I used to think only things which had happened to a person before, especially in an unwilling context, could turn out as triggers. It is not so.
This is for the Doms out there who happen to stumble over a trigger and feel bad about it... it´s not your fault.
My day is coming up....my main trigger...and I wish there was more that I could do to get it out of my head...
newslave:
consentrate on your goal my sister, if this is the test you have placed before yourself, rember your duty to yourself, to thrive in your submission, your task to be strong, you have survived far worse than this, you are brave and you are loved.
rember that you are not alone, your other sisters are here for you.
hugs and kissess boo, my prayers go with you in your time of need
as allways i shall help in any way i can
I'm dealing with some crapola right now and it's really got me down. How do some of you deal with your abuser(s)?
Several people have told me that I have to forgive my abuser. Right now I don't think it's possible. What I am trying to do is to let it go, to release it, so it doesn't rule my life like it once did.
Maybe at some point in the future I'll be able to say I forgive her. The problem is, the person she abused is a fourth grader in her classroom a long time ago. On top of that she never saw a reason to ask for forgiveness because she doesn't see what she did as wrong.
Hello all,
I have been reading this thread for a while and am feeling compelled to share a bit of my story. For me there have been 3 major incidents. When i was younger my older brother molested me for about 3 years. i never told anyone not even my parents. Currently we have no relationship to speak of and i had completely blocked the memories until about 10 years ago. i was living in a foreign country and was raped by a friend of mine on my brithday. This person stole my virginity from me and has made what is supposed to be a very special day every year a nightmare. Unfortunately, i thought that i had found the one. He knew all of my history and before we were married he treated me like a princess. He had swept me off my feet. On the second day of the honeymoon it was like everything changed. He became very controlling. This is not a BDSM relationship. He is very jealous and quick to anger. He often will take his anger out on me. i really would like to get out of this marriage, but i trusted him and he has control over all finances etc.
i appreciate the support that is here on these boards. i am working with some friends to try and make it possible for me to be able to leave when the time is right. But i worry what will happen to me.
i want to thank all of those survivors on these boards for all of the love and understanding that they have. And thank you for creating a space to share.
it is very brave of you to share your story with us, i hope all will turn out well for you
i dont know what country yu are in sis, but here there are outreach programs for battered and or abused that help wemon get away from thier abusers, yu may also consider documenting any abuse that has or is occuring for later use in legal proceedings etc,
your first consern should be your imedieate saftey, i will pray for you sis
I am in the US and ironically i worked as a play therapist in a domestic violence agency for 6 years.
It is more than irony. There are plenty of people out there who are educated in domestic violence and rape who still find it happening to them. We think, "Aren't I supposed to know better? How could I get myself in that position?"Quote:
Originally Posted by kuriousnature
And that is exactly what they want us to do--they want us to feel that it is our fault. The blame is on them, though. No matter what we did--we never asked to be abused or raped. It doesn't matter that we smiled politely as we walked by a crowd, or stayed late at a party, or invited him in for a drink or to fix our leaking faucet. It doesn't matter if we dated or married our abuser. It doesn't matter that we sought attention from our teacher or coach or uncle. It is not our fault!
They are the abusers and it is they who have violated our trust, our bodies and our psyches.
Many of my friends have gotten upset with me for not leaving because "i should know better". However, they do no understand what it takes to leave.. Thank you for the support and the concern, you really are all sisters in this battle, and i hope that some day your courage will rub off when the timing is right. i remind myself every morning when i am blessed to wake up that no matter what horrors the day may hold; i will be ok, i will survive, and one day i will leave..
it must be a very hard thing to do for you kurious
hugggs, i hope all goes well
Kurious, thank you so much for sharing, and I wish you all the best. I know it can be hard to leave, but it is such an important step that you know that you should, that you can when the time is right. And it is so wonderful what you do for other women. I hope that you find a special person that can help you as you help others. Plenty of hugs to you and all the support you need!!
*pulls a chair into the room and sits down*
I have never been abused.. but I am here to hear, and to learn and to understand. I want to help the woman I love. I want to be her strength and her rock. I want to learn and understand everything I can, so I can be everything she needs.
Thank you all for sharing yourselves like this.. If anyone ever needs an ear, Mine is always open.
Selash.
Wellcome to the club Selash.
That's the first step right there, listening with love, without judgement or accusation.Quote:
Originally posted by Selash:
If anyone ever needs an ear
Wellcome to this thread Selash, Ash couldnt have said it better. we are allways available to help you in any way, hugs and kissess
*offers hug to those that want them and huggles to those that need them, and a deep passionate kiss to My pup*
I would love any help that can be give to Me, and I want to freely give any help I can.
I can't believe I have missed this thread!
I would like to echo Selash - I am fortunate not to have been abused but I feel for all of you who have. I too can always listen and my pm box is open.
~hugs~ for you all
minxy x
I deal with my abuser by not dealing with him. I haven't seen him in 10 years. I have no idea where he is. He could be in prison (which is very likely) or he could be six feet under (which is also very likely). But I still have nightmares about him and had one just last week in fact. I will still say something to Master that will imply that He will hurt me in some way, and He has to gently remind me that He is not my ex.Quote:
Originally Posted by ashtonDs
Will I ever be able to forgive him? I honestly don't know. One person that I do need to forgive is myself, because I will often think back to that marriage and tell myself what an idiot I was for marrying him and remaining in the marriage. All the red flags were there on our first date. And yet I married him anyway. My self-esteem was so low at that point that I jumped at the chance of being with him because he had paid attention to me. He went on a date with me and wanted to see me again. No one had ever done that before. I was terrified that if I wasn't with him I wouldn't have another opportunity to be with someone else. So one of these days I need to forgive that lonely young woman and remind her that she has grown since then and has learned from her mistakes. I have to remind her that she is no longer the same person she once was and now indeed has what she has always wanted: the love of a good man.
I don't think there is ever, "A right time to leave" one thing i noticed with my mothers situation was it wasn't the abuse that made her decide to leave but the fact that he was screwing around on her. She could explain the broken collar bone, and the stitcher's in her head and forgive him for it because "he was drunk at the time", or because "he really did love her". kuriousnature, if u have the support of your friends, then the times right. I know its a scary thing to walk out and start over. My thoughts are with you kuriousnature and I hope your safe and my thoughts are with you.
My main reasons to post here are in support of those that have and those that are going through abuse. If any thing I have posted or do posts offends or causes a triger, then I apologize as this is not my intention.
I have been through my own personal hell with abuse, It was not sexual nor was there a lot of physical abuse. It was mainly verbal and emotional abuse.
funny how it can take u 14 hours to decide if your going to post what u write.
Selash and Greybeard,
I thank you so much for coming here and offering support to all of us. The world is a better place because there are people who care enough to stand up and speak out and support survivors.
Everyone else,
I thank you all for you support and prayers. We are at a cross roads right now and I still do not know what path I am going to take. I truely appreciate everyones patience and support.
As to the issue of forgiveness. I forgive becuase I know that I have to. I know that they people that have hurt me were in turn hurt themselves. I know that they mostly likely do not know anyother way, and while they may be hurting me, it is becuase of their past. I however do not know if i will forgive myself, or stop taking repsponsibility for their actions as my own. However I do know that every morning that I get up and make the effort to greet the day with a smile instead of tears, they have lost just one more ounce of control over me....
whenever the forgiveness hurdle gets in front of me, and i know i am wrong for not wanting to forgive them, it just has to be done in my mind, i tell myself all sorts of things to try and convice myself that they , all people deserve forgiveness,, sometimes i succeed and sometimes i fail,, i dont think i will ever be able to completely forgive them because it allways feels like i havent, every time i rember part of what they did too me, it starts all over again
wow...sometimes it only takes you 14 hours?Quote:
Originally posted by Greybeard_69:
funny how it can take u 14 hours to decide if your going to post what u write.
I have taken a long time to post. There have been times when I deleted everything I typed and logged out, only to do the same thing the next day.
I have heard some people say "it shouldn't be so difficult. it's the internet. It's not like someone is in the room with you."
The difficulty isn't in that someone is or isn't in the room, it's in sharing details about hard times in your life, for some of us terrifying times. And the people here on this thread are not just names on a screen, After all that we have shared, there are stories attached to those names, and hopes and dreams. There are people attached to those names.
I think it would be safe to say many of us have done the same thing, sometimes more than once.
I can't let this pass without comment. Please don't trivialize what happened because it was only verbal and/or emotional. It is what it is...abuse.Quote:
Originally posted by Greybeard_69:
I have been through my own personal hell with abuse, It was not sexual nor was there a lot of physical abuse. It was mainly verbal and emotional abuse.
In my opinion, one of the reasons people have more trouble with verbal and emotional abuse is they think to themselves (as well as being told this by others) "at least I wasn't beaten. I never landed in a hospital. What do I have to complain about?"
By trivializing it they ignore what happened and blame themselves when they can't handle it. They don't deal with it and it comes back and deals with them. Self blame keeps the wound fresh and bleeding. It is the abuse that keeps on abusing.
It is difficult, but come here for you too.
I know how it is to have been verbally and emotionally abused. It happened to me, and kept me messed up for years. One day, after finally telling my therapist about it, she said. "Oh my God, that's child abuse. You were abused. Why didn't you tell me about this before? We should have been working on this all along."
This was knowledge I couldn't handle, so I rejected it outright. "Me, abused? Abuse only happens to other people." Now, many years later, I have to admit that it is abuse. Otherwise I can't heal.
A bdsm forum was the last place I would have ever thought to find healing, but I have. I shared some scary stuff, and totally surprised myself when I said something useful to someone.
(I even told myself once, I need to go through here and read all my postings, because I need to hear and do what I'm suggesting to other people.)
Remember, come here for you.
denu, it might not be a question of not wanting to, but one of being able too. There is still so much emotion wrapped up in what happened to you I don't think it's the right time yet. It's not possible.Quote:
Originally posted by denuseri:
whenever the forgiveness hurdle gets in front of me, and i know i am wrong for not wanting to forgive them
What I am trying to do is let go of my abuse, to release it and allow it to become detached from me. When I can look at it without all the emotion, the fear, the horror, the hate, then maybe I will be able to turn around and forgive.
Some people find it helpful to meditate on the letting go. They picture how their life would be if they could look at the abuse and acknowledge it the same way they look at their car. "I have a blue car" -fact. "I was abused" -fact. It is impossible for some to forgive while the wound still bleeds.
You are not wrong, you,re just not ready yet. ~hugs denu~
Thanku so much for that Ash i think it reallu helped me,,,huggggggs
Call me a throw back, but it is against my nature to "forgive" any animal that has done the things they have done to my girl. I will burn in the depths before I do.
There are things that don't deserve to be forgiven.
This does not mean you need hold onto your rage, for the soul that eats only hate cannot thrive.
Trancend what has happened, grow again with love for each other, for you have survived like the trees of a long winters embrace.
I couldn't agree more!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Kuskovian
Sorry ash but I don't believe all people Should be forgiven and as Kuskovian says, some animals don't deserve it.Quote:
Originally Posted by ashtonDS
I neither can forget nor will ever forgive what my tormentors did to me over Several years. They knew what they were doing. They weren't mentally ill or sick in any way. They did it simply because they could. I would happily see them rot in hell and will dance on their pathetic graves when they finally die. That whole what goes around comes around bs everyone talks about - to me is just a way to self soothe. These people tormented, tortured, raped not only me but other children that came around as well and others throughout the course of their lives - They are still living to a nice, ripe, healthy old age. That's what goes around - abusers will always have the upper hand and all we can do is try to distance ourselves from it, that's all I think anyone can do really.
Even if you do get the satisfaction of bringing them before the authorities (having fully humliated yourself in front of random strangers probing your every sexual thought and motive - yes, I did go this route and lost after being further humiliated); what does it get you? Are you then going to forgive them? No, you are no farther ahead and just back to putting distance between you and them, physically, emotionally and mentally.
*the 'you' in the above statements is just a general term and not personally pointed to anyone, thank you*
*strikes fist to chest*
I am not a vindictive Man. But, abusers Piss Me right the Hell Off... Few have ever seen Me enraged... the couple that had where quoted as say it was the "sacriest thing they have ever seen"... Anyone who thinks they have the right to abuse, in anyway, Shall have thier heads on a pike in My front yard, after I burn their home and salt thier land. Forgive mistakes, forgive wrongdoings, forgive a moment of weakness. Abuse shall not be tolerated, forgiven, marginallized or whitewashed.
*returns to My chair and lets the dark clouds gather, gently holding the hand of the woman I love most in the world*
I feel strange sometimes...because I have no rage against the things that happened to me. Instead I feel a deep sadness, an internal sadness, somthing that cuts me up but doesn't let me get mad at the people who have doen it to me. I don't know why but...I guess I wonder if other people feel the same.
very much so my sister
very much so
No need to apologise.Quote:
Originally posted by mastersgem:
Sorry ash but I don't believe all people Should be forgiven
I spoke of forgiveness because that is what denu spoke about. For some people forgiving is part of letting go. If she wants to forgive, who am I to tell her she is wrong.
This is something I struggle with in my own abuse. Forgiveness is something I have tried in the past, and as many times as I've given it, I have taken it back just as many.
So for many years I thought I couldn't forgive. In fact I went totally the other way with my feelings of hatred growing. It really ate away at me.
One thing that hatred did give me was a feeling of power. That powerful hate fueled all kinds of fantasies which became darker and darker over time. I got to the point where I became depressed and fixated on the hate. It got so bad I began living inside of a fantasy that described in great detail everything I wanted to do to the woman that abused me.
It was just like walking around in my own story. The lines between reality and fantasy became so blurred that I ran from the police when, in the real world, they were not after me. In my fantasy they had found me out, so I ran.
That was scary but I didn't pull back until I became suicidal. Then I realized I couldn't hold the hate. Forgiving wasn't working and neither was ignoring it (had a nasty habit of popping back up all the time), but then neither was holding on to the hate.
Shortly after that I remembered reading an article about letting go. There is no judgement, no counting the cost in it. We acknowledge what happened, and that it happened to us, and release it. In the releasing the event has no further control over us. It happened, and we acknowledge that, but do not allow it into our lives.
It cannot eat at us that way. We move on with life. In letting hate control us, we ultimately allow our abusers to continue influence over us. To be absolutely free of them we have to find a place where we can let go.
If denu wants to take the next step to forgiveness I will never discourage her. She has a beautiful heart. If it is something she needs to do, I will not stand in her way or discourage her in any way.
As an interesting aside, I read an article once where a victim forgave her victimizer in open court. She told him she could not hold on to hate and had to let it go. She that she cannot let the event in question rule her life.
She also acknowledged that she knew her attacker would stew over it, and continue to think about it, but she was not going to let him rule her life any longer.
Her attacker was shocked. During the trial he had been leering at her every chance he got and reveled in that fact that his attention was discomforting to her. Now he was relegated to the status of a nobody. She was going to go on with her life free of him, but allow him no more control over her.
He shouted and yelled obscenities at her trying to get a reaction, all to no avail. All those years in prison he was going to spend as a nobody, and he was going to prison for a very long time.
gem, maybe you just are not ready to let go, or forgive, your wound is still bleeding.
It seems you have let go.Quote:
Originally posted by newslave:
I feel strange sometimes...because I have no rage against the things that happened to me. Instead I feel a deep sadness, an internal sadness, somthing that cuts me up but doesn't let me get mad at the people who have doen it to me. I don't know why but...I guess I wonder if other people feel the same.
Still doubt if posting this is a good idea, but can relate more to this than I want to. Don’t know why, but the sadness always dominates the anger. Perhaps so because that anger can be so frightening, thinking about the consequences when I would have let that anger out, directed at those who did deserve it.Quote:
Originally Posted by newslave
It would have meant an other family tragedy no doubt – the other bullies being out of sight already thus preventing a school drama as well.
Until now found comfort in the thought that I was able to forgive those I still see – them being next of kin. In fact proud of the fact that for one of them I somewhat take care, be it from a distance with help from psychiatric day-treatment. And supporting the other now there’s a chance serious illness has struck. Afraid I don’t make sense here at all..what I am trying to say is that I was convinced I had worked things out, until now. Even considered myself lucky for the good things I learned from it, in fact being a benefit in my work and amongst my friends.
Now, once more, I realise that so many of my praised traits are the remnants of that past. It was my way of survival for all those years, making sure I sensed what was wrong even before they knew it themselves, comfort them when things had gone out of hand again, consulted them, meanwhile taking care to properly finish my education thus securing their pride and my way out – even if home was havoc again by simply ignoring your own needs, denying your feelings. It was the only way for the youngest in a small, isolated family.
No doubt it is the basis for that submissive part in me, longing to please, to care, able to devotion and loyalty “above and beyond” indeed…but longing for security, guidance and acceptance as well – still after all those years.
No doubt it will contribute to that dominant part, at its best during a crisis, specialized in not showing any weakness, doubt or fear whatsoever, being on guard, demonstrating strength all the time, guarding people, guiding people – meanwhile battling again in my head. Once again, excellent qualities, highly appreciated, but they have come at price.
No doubt there is truth in the explanation my therapists gave me for that longing for bondage & control I have from my early childhood – contributing to that feeling different, weird, alone. Take the pain away from a situation and replace it whit lust, joy and trust, escape in that fantasy from the real world that was so relentlessly cruel.
And yes, it worked…like medication, alcohol or drugs work for other people…I managed to survive, get an university degree, haven’t hurt a single soul on purpose all my life, didn't raise the hammer.. At a considerable price though, namely the relationship with the former love of my life and an almost constant fight with myself, so desperate to be "normal" at least for her in our relationship, even if at first she liked it as well. Both were battles never meant to be fought, lost before they begun, something only now at the end I understand
I always want to show people that whatever happened, you can and will survive, that good can come from evil, that forgiveness can, perhaps should beat the anger, that your live needn’t be ruled from your past. Many times it works…for others..for my patients for sure. But last weeks I simply can’t help hurting like hell while an unknown peace of mind swaps places whit havoc in my head. So I’ am venting here…indeed bleeding here. Because somehow it helps, it is therapeutic for me, even if it prevents me from wise ramblings this time..making me way behind with other tasks in real life. Can’t help it, my mind is still here, and believe me, some anger as well, but the sadness, the grief rules.
However, I will get over it. Always have and always will. And I will come to terms wiht myself..in my own way..someday..at my Island...
Take what comfort you can from us then Rowen.
We are here to help you.
I may only be what they call a "secondary" survivor, but I have been with Seri every step of the way and have seen her relapse many many times.
The way is sometimes hard and steep.
It may seem that you will never reach the sumit.
Yet one can allways see the hope bound in the sun capped peak ahead if one chooses to look.
Yes, indeed it gives you an uncanning feeling of power...I could see it right for my eyes. In every detail. In fact, I ran TO the police, scared to hell I would take matters in my own hands. The only thing those idiots did was ask what I expected from them, then telling me there was nothing they could do..Quote:
Originally Posted by ashtonDs
It's that feeling of power that scared the hell out of me when I was dominating...much more like the "gently guy" even if that means submitting.
Thanks,Quote:
Originally Posted by Kuskovian
I did have second thougts on this post...you know, wanting to be the supportive strong guy. So many people hurting here already...but yes, I really appreciate the support and help here...is the reason I stayed on the net.
Rowen....
I haven't read the entire thread, only the last page of posts. And yes i saw your post before you deleted it. ...
What i am seeing is the problem dealing with the ...."negative" emotions....
Anger......hate.....aggression.....fear. All of the things that are ingrained in us as things we should not feel.....should not act on.....should not use......should not acknowledge......and are BAD BAD BAD BAD....
You are allowed to be angry about what happened to you.....use the anger to your advantage...you earned it.......let the rest go. You DO NOT need to attribute your strength to them......it is yours and yours alone.
You are allowed to hate the people who harmed and hurt you.....and never feel guilty saying it......you do NOT have to like them or even interact with them.
You feel its wrong to lash our with painful emotions...it is not....you just need to channel where the lash falls.......
You are allowed to feel fear.....the fear that you have now somehow been made unlovable.....yes you may fear this....but you are very lovable.....
We feel how we feel. These emotions should never be denied you. These feeling should never be discounted by others as something you .."should not feel"... If you feel it, you feel it. It is neither good nor bad
I call the collective of these emotions.....the beast. The beast the waits inside. Its there always within us...
I have a very large beast and its powerful and strong......it waits....it watches....and it protects me.....it is part of me and i do not deny its existence....nor will i try to kill it. It to has a right to live....
but that being said.....
That beast wears MY collar.....and is on MY leash. I control the beast......the beast does not control me......
wow Thrall that was very very wonderfully put,,, gave me a lot to think about
hugggs and thanku