Abuse is abuse, weather you were complicite somehow in it in regards to yourself or not.
In some cases stockholm syndrom is the term used to describe such behavior, i myself at various points throughout my ordeal suffered from variations of it.
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Abuse is abuse, weather you were complicite somehow in it in regards to yourself or not.
In some cases stockholm syndrom is the term used to describe such behavior, i myself at various points throughout my ordeal suffered from variations of it.
well I finally did it; I broke up with my "Master". I just couldn't take anymore and he hadn't been respecting Our rules or my hard limits. So I told him I was done with this relationship if he didn't start respecting me and our agreements. He didn't say much so I told him to leave.
I know I did the right thing but it certainly doesn't feel the best right now. I guess I expected him to say he was sorry and wanted to work it out and instead he just walks out.
I've boxed up everything he's bought for us and that's as far as I've gotten. It was hard to hear that truck of his leaving.
There's so many mixed emtions right now but mostly I am angry @ him and myself for staying with him when it became obvious he wasn't going to respect the rules. Well i think i'm going to get some sleep its been a hard day & I'm exhausted.
I am so sorry to hear things didnt work out for you.
Trust is somthing that needs to be earned with deeds.
I will pray for your continued saftey.
Please make sure you have a reponsible third party for security's sake and let us know if there is anything we can do for you.
I haven't read every post in this thread but I don't have to do that to see the good this is capable of performing. When I first became a Dom (in 1984) there was no Internet and it was all very underground. The people in this lifestyle were almost all very genuine, and the essence of dominance was about protection, management and responsible decision making. It wasn't about trying to fool someone into bed, or about trying it out for the hell of it until you got bored. The Internet has revolutionised this lifestyle but one outcome has been that the proportion of genuine people involved (especially males) has dropped remarkably. I've been visiting this site for a long time on and off but only registered today. This site appears so far to be a sanctuary for those who want to be in this lifestyle for the best and most meaningful reasons. The fact that this particular thread is needed is regrettable but a well established fact of life these days. The fact that this thread is so well attended and thoughtful is a tribute to those participating.
Very impressive thread.
Im not a sub, but this thread is amazing. Im really pleased to see something like this and I hope everyone who needs it gets the help they need. If anyone ever needs an ear, im around...
Its alright it was the best thing for me. I just need to move on.Quote:
Originally Posted by denuseri
I beleive he shouldn't be a problem but i did file an order of protection. My neighbor is the local police chief and he is aware of the truck etc.
I just need time to heal and move on with my life and maybe i'll find another r/l Master who will respect me and treat me right or this could be the end of my BDSM life for awhile. Either way I know I'll be alright.
I stilll enjoy my ownership with Master_E from this forum etc. He is my online Sir and is very good to me so far.
wise moves. (((((big hugs))))) from little me - you dealt well with the crap :)Quote:
Originally Posted by isis646
I will be in chat today with MysteriousFun to host a meeting of the support group sancturary from Noon cst till whenever we stop, come bye if your interested, see myself or Mysterious for the password to enter the private chat
hi. I feel a little awkard posting here because im still new and what not. I wanted to say thanks to den for starting this thread, its helped me quite a bit. I dunno how to say this so i guess ill just blurt it out.
I recntly found someone lol, who im very intersteaded in but i find it so hard to look at Him. He's so very similar in looks and sometimes in manner to the way someone else used to be who wasnt, well very nice. Its strange cos i know this person and when i cant see Him (talk over the net or hear His voice) i feel fine. But when i see Him all i can think about is being back in situations out of my control and an aboslute fear all over. I start to cy and shake and i cant stop it. I dont know what to do about this can anyone help?
Stace
oh and sry for my spelling and grammar, its rly bad i know.
Honey, this reaction is completely normal. I actually have a similar situation with someone who occasionally rides my bus. I get angry and afraid every time I see him, and it's completely out of my control. A good thing that might help is, if you can, look at him closely and pick out the things that are different. Make sure that he knows what's going on, and make sure he knows about habits or phrases that remind you of that other person. See if he can help you get through the visual memory so that it doesn't affect you as much anymore. Please, let me know if it helps, too. I would love to know that I was able to help someone.
I allways reccomend you get professional medical help from a lisenced therapist at the very least.
It is allways difficult dealing with triggers,, especially triggers that are somehow for no reason we can imagine related to our loved ones.
You say his voice doesnt cuase any negative response?
A blindfold might be in order, or mabey if he changes the way he does his hair??
Also as firstmatefyrefly is saying you might be able to re-focus on the other things to the exclusion of the part thats cuasing the trigger to occur, it wont be easy and may take a lot of time and effort to accomplish. The goal is to redefine the cuase of the trigger into a positive feeling as opposed to a negative reminder.
We have used "exposure" and "redefinition" techniques for much of my own therapy.
Recently I have been having EMDR sessions with my therapist ans it is working pretty well.
Eaither way if your going to be serious with this guy you have to at least consider telling him about it.
My Owner had to basically start from sctratch with me, so many things... from the most mundane acts such as plain old fashion touching, ....to the extremes of some bdsm play activities... cuased triggers for me. (I still can't go down the stairs into the basement despite my best efforts) sighs, one day mabey.
It was and still is in some respects a long struggle to identify and redefine these things that remind me of what happened from something terrible into something I can handle if not find pleasurable or even wonderful again.
I do hope this helps you some Stace.
...and as allways feel free to contact myself or the Abuse Survivor's Sanctuary for support (found in the social groups section of your profile page), we will help in whatever way we can.
hugs and kissess
be strong my sisters
denuseri
hi denu when i was 16 i was rapped in broad daylight and was dragged into the mens loo by my hair and had to endure many hours of assault and abuse by this one man i fell pregnant by this man at the time i was a catholic so couldnt have a abortion and wouldnt so i gave my son up for adoption and still waiting for this very day that my son will find me and knock on my door and ask me what i asked my real mum as i was adopted to why did you not keep me and will tell him the truth that i couldnt because i was to young at the time and my adopted parents wouldnt let me then i met my youngest son dad who abused and used me like a doormat use to beat me if the dinner was not ready or it was to cold etc etc he also stabbed me on the right side of my belly and i almost died this was all in front of my youngest son so i stood up for my rights and pressed charges and he was sent to prison for 5 years for attempted murder the first rape he was also sent to prison for 8 years but the court made me feel so small as the accused lawyer said that i was asking to be rapped as i was wearing a mini skirt at the time my oldest son dad was different he was the loviest man that i ever had but had to go back with his parents where they original come from and now on this very day i have a lovely Master/partner who i love so much and have been with my Master/partner for nearly 5 years and wouldnt change him for anything or anyone
thanks for your help den and firstmate. I havent yet had a chance to talk to Him but when i do im egar to try out what youve both suggested, and ill let you know how it goes. Thanks so much for helping me, i know it dosent sound like much but i cant think of any other way to thank you.
No thanks are nessesary Stace, I would be here eaither way if you know what I mean.
I just hope you find whats going to work for you sis.
I am so sorry Naomi hugs for you boo.
The system is all too often stacked against us and it sucks. One reason many of us avoid going to the law.
My own situation was never brought to any "legal" conclusion, and alltough some of the bastards were brought to a kind of frontier justice, too many are still "out there".
I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have to tell a child that they are the byproduct of something so terrible (my own event left me unable to bear offspring and I guess in way I am lucky for that).
You are both very brave to come forward and share your pain with us... and for that ... ....it is I who must thank you.
Alltough at times we still suffer from the pain of the scars we bear and the memory of what was done to us may be with us forever:
We are not broken...
...nor are we alone!
I dreaded to read this thread.
But now I finally decided to do that today. Don't know why. But I am glad I did.
And wow denuseri you really did let something out of me.
I have been sexually abused by my mom's boyfriends (yes more than one). And I lost my self esteem and anything that was inside of me.
I got into some wrong crowds and done somethings I aint proud of.
I have been physically abused by a man I had given my life to and took me and my kids along time to heal. (Not completely)
Yet I haven't met anyone to actually make me feel like I am worth a damn. I currently have a boyfriend and he isn't any different from any other assholes I have met.
Anyways what I am wanting to say is that I now see you as a mentor. If you can heal from something so horrible and monstrious than I know I can too.
Thanks for starting this post.
A
Thanks for sharing, AndreaDawne. You're right, this thread has been great to help start conversations and continue healing for a lot of folks. denuseri has done us all a great service with starting the discussion and keeping it active.
Hugs to all.
I sure havent done this alone.
The real magic here is all of you that have come forward to support, share and grow together as we come together help our fellow survivors. So that hopefully one day we can all embrace and enjoy not just BDSM again but the whole of our beings. So that we can all thrive more in the splendor of living, stronger for our experiences.
Establishing hard limits is somthing esential, especially for us, our trust was once broken or shattered by others and the dominant that wants us to be thier's and trust and thrive under thier dominion has a lot of ground to re-cover.
You simply can't "push" one of us through these things, it takes a lot of time and patience to coax us forth.
It first of all has to be somthing that we initiate in many cases, which is extra trying for a dominant to understand.
Some questions for all of us:
Does your dominant know about what happened to you?
Are they part of or included in your recovery stratagies?
Do they go to therapy with you?
Are they going online here and trying to find out how to help you?
Secondary Survivors (partners and supporters of Survivors) are more than welcome and encouraged to participate as well,
I know my Owner has been an interagal part of every step of my own recovery.
My Master has been more than an important part of my healing, he was the one who was able to work through the nightmares and panic attacks, and the addictions that I had aquired to try to handle what was happening in my head. Now, as I tell him, I tell you...There will never be a replacement for him. There might be someone somewhere out there who might be able to help as well, but my Master is one of a kind.
Bump
i'm so happy there is a thread like this. i thank you form the bottom of my heart denuseri.
i too have been abused. i was raped several times and babrely survived.. by the brother of a friend (so i thought) when i was 8 years. i coulnt remeber anything of it until a year ago. when i started having very intense flashbacks. and had to live through it again. if it wasnt for my wonderfull friends i woulndt have been here anymore. they are also the only ones who know what hapend. until now. my parents dont know about it. and i'm afraid to tell them cause they'll just drag me to therapy. i still have flashbacks but they are getting better. i'm just happy i survived.
it made me to the person i am today. and it made me stronger. cause i lived through it. so the rest of my life is alot easyer. and i'll never give up.
thank you again for this wonderfull thread. and my advice to everybody out there. talk to your friends. and most of all never ever give up.
Thank you All
I was abused and would like to say that the positive things in life come forward and that is how you get through the ordeal .
Although my abuse was a quite awhile ago and didnt involve BDSM, I was too young, only 11. I didnt even know what sex was much less knowing what assault or rape was. It changed my whole perspective on life. I became withdrawn, reclusive, shy. I didnt tell anyone what happened (not for many any yrs at least). When I finally had to seek help after having a breakdown in which my husband at the time didnt or couldnt understand why having such a thing happen to me would affect me so many years later. Remembering back to when it happened I became self destructive, depressed even to the point of being suicidal. Shortly after it happened I started to cut even tried to kill myself. It has taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get to where I am now. Thinking on it I think that maybe that is why I have led the life I have, very sheltered, anytime anyone mentioned anything to do with sex I shied away from it. Although I am more open with my kids about sex, I wanted them to feel free to ask me anything. And coming to this site sure has opened me up about what I am interested in and I find everyone in chat very helpful. In my search to find where I fit I am in no hurry and I am looking forward to the many discoveries that await me as I finally explore and become free. Thank you denuseri for your bravery in starting this thread. I am sure it will help a lot of those who have similar experiences that you have faced. And you have done much more then survived. You have become a very strong and wonderful person that you are today.
Thank you all for being so brave and coming forward about your experiences. Its a very very hard thing to do.
I really think its helps us a lot to know we are not alone and that there is hope for a better tomarrow.
I had a lot of troubles in this department myself and have good and bad days now, mostly good.
I too have been abused, beaten, and left broken. This March will be 2 years that I have been free from the abuse.
This is my story. I hope it also helps someone.
I met my (now ex) husband in December of 2003 when I was 16 and he was 17. At the time I was engaged to an 18 year old off in basic/AIT for the Army. Things had been happening between my fiance and I and I started to lose touch with him. My (now ex) husband, I suppose, fell in love with me and asked me twice a day for 2 weeks if I'd just give him a chance. After one last attempt at contact with my fiance and hearing that he had moved on anyways, I gave in.
My relationship with him was fine at first. We lived only 45 minutes away. Over the next few months, our relationship got very rocky and there were several times we broke up. Every time we did, he would act very possessive and call, email, IM constantly until I agreed to speak with him and give him another chance. Now, this should have given me a clue that the worst was yet to come if I continued to see him but being young and in love, love tends to be blind.
Towards the end of my Junior year in 2004 - between having a rocky relationship, problems at school, and problems with my parents - I ended up dropping out of high school. I immediately took the GED test and received my GED. All the while I worked on and off while he continued school. In November 2004 he dropped out his Senior year of high school and we moved into an apartment together.
Our entire relationship up to this point, he had talked about having a Dom/sub relationship full time. We talked about our limits and things we'd like to try along with daily routines we'd like to implement. Before we moved in, anytime I stayed with him or vise versa, we played a bit and together we shared our first experience this way.
Once we moved in, things started out fine. Slowly overtime the acts and scenes got more and more agressive and extreme. I started get afraid of him but I brushed it off. We started to fight constantly and it progressed to punching, bruises, and even mental abuse.
For 4 years straight, each day seemed to get worse and I'd fear for my life more and more. I'd have to wear long sleeves, oversized shirts, etc to cover huge massive bruises from my family. I couldn't dare tell anyone out of fear he'd hurt them and hurt me more than he already was. He'd always threaten to kill me and my family if I ever left him or told anyone what he was doing to me. My only release was if I truly was sick or if I faked being sick, then and only then would he ease up.
I remember one day we decided to take a walk around the neighborhood. It was a beautiful day. Right outside the front door, there were steps to walk UP to get to the road. His ankle was sore so he was using a cane to help him walk. I wanted to stay out of his way so I jogged up to the top of the stairs and waited. He got pissed and yelled at me for it. When he got to the top he swung his cane at me hitting me in the stomach. Boy what a mark that left.
Another time, we were at his grandfather's house. We stepped outside for some reason with one of his friends. He got pissed at me and punch me in my back. Right in front of his friend not to mention in the front yard. His friend, nor any cars that drove by stopped him or said anything.
There are so many memories I have but those are just a couple.
Throughout our time together he'd always build himself to others yet I'd be portrayed as the physchotic wife. No one saw through his act. They'd always praise him and kick me to the side.
The first time he went to jail he caused me to go to jail as well. We got into a fight one night and pushed me down hard. I got my stuff to leave and he ran after me. I got in the car, locked the doors, and refused to talk to him. He got behind the car and wouldn't let me back out. I slowly started to gradually roll back in hopes he'd move. He finally did but he then jumped on the hood of the car. I was too terrified to stop so I drove through our apartment complex with him on the hood. I eventually stopped behind a speed bump and he got off and then acted like his ankle was hurt. Someone saw all this so did a police officer. I was the one being arrested but I told them about the abuse because if I was going down for trying to save my life, I was taken him down with me. They arrested us both that night.
He was arrested a 2nd time for domestic violence sometime after. This particular night I honestly felt an instinct that it was going to be the night he was really going to kill me. He had already knocked me out earlier that night for not making him have an orgasm in his time limit by punching me on the top of my head. Luckily at the time we were staying with his grandmother. Her house was set up where the basement was like a seperate apartment so thats were we stayed. She never had any idea what was going on as she was starting to get dementia and never came down stairs. He would never let me out of his sight so I had no way to escape or call for him. Even when I went to the bathroom and took a shower, he was right there watching me. I was terrified the entire day that I wouldn't be able to make it out alive especially since he had plans to kill me then kill himself that day, or so he said (I honestly felt in my instincts it was true this time). Finally it was dinner time and he had already gotten into a fight with his grandmother that day so I convinced him to let me go smooth things over with her by offering to cook her some dinner myself. He bought the bait so I quickly ran up stairs, went to her bedroom and locked the door. I explained to her the situation and called my parents then the police. My parents were an hour away but rushed over. After about 15 minutes of me not coming back downstairs, he came up started banging on the door. I was terrified he'd break the door down. My parents finally got to the house but still no police. It took the police over 2 hours to get to me. This is where I get my hatred for police. I told them the entire situation and all the things he had done to me that day and that he's done it everyday. Still they took over 2 hours. At any rate, when they finally came, they put him in handcuffs, took pictures, and then asked if I was pressing charges. I was so lost, confused, and heartbroken and still being under his brain washing control, I didn't know what to do. The whole time being handcuffed, he kept running his mouth so the police said it didn't matter if I was going to or not, THEY WERE at that point. So, he went to jail again that night. Being that I was still under his mind control I ended up going to the jail for his hearing the next day to testify and tell the judge I didn't want to press charges and stayed there about 13 hours until they released him to come home.
There was another time that my parents came to my rescue. Dad brought his gun and even had it pointed at him. The police were never called that night as again he convinced me to stay and tell my parents that I was okay and to please go home.
Every time he'd get arrested or my parents got involved, he'd apologize and make me believe he was going to change. After a day or 2 of things being decent, he'd go right back to his old self.
I delt with this until March 2007 when my ex fiance (the one I was engaged to back in 2003 and mention in the beginning of this) came back into my life. We fell in love again (I was always in love with him, to be honest and I knew he had always been the one I wanted to spend forever with). He had divorced his wife and convinced me to leave my (now ex) husband. We put our plan in action and a couple days later with my fiance by my side, kicked him out and told him I wanted a divorce. If it wasn't for my fiance don't think I'd be alive today. I think by now I'd have been killed or even killed myself just to be freed of his abuse.
I owe my life to my fiance. We're getting married September 26th this year and I couldn't be happier. While he never heard of BDSM until he met me, he is willing to learn and has been doing so. We're taking it slow, not only because of what I've been through but to give him time to learn things properly so not to hurt me. He'd never raise a hand towards me in anger or to hurt me outside of BDSM activities. Even when he is pissed beyond belief at me the he's never hit me or brought his hand up to hit me. Never. He had already proposed to me before I kicked my (now ex) husband out but he officially asked my dad for my hand in marriage and proposed on Christmas Day of 2007. While we have our issues and problems we continue to work on, I couldn't be happier with him. He is a true gentleman in every sense of the word. He is very protective of me and so I trust him with my life.
I apologize for my thoughts and words being all jumbled. Its very difficult to talk about but I hope they help someone out there. I've shared my story with several people and I want to continue to share with many more in hopes of preventing this from happening to others and to give hope of survival to those that have/are going through it.
*takes a deep breath* Hi everyone, and let me add my thanks to denuseri for starting it and all the incredibly brave people who have posted their own stories here. It was my (Almost) Master who pointed me to this thread, and particularly said that in many ways, moco's post above could have been my own.
i was abused from when i was 8 to when i was 9 by the man who came to our house regularly to clean the windows. Such a cliché and one that it is difficult for me to say for some reason. But ... i don't have many memories of what happened. i know he taught me how to give him oral sex, i know there were times when i was on my bed with my underwear around my ankles, but i was so disconnected from my body that i do not know what he did or didn't do.
The consequences emerged when i went away to college, when i became anorexic, then bulimic, and started self-injuring. i've also had many years of therapy, and am at a much better place in my life now, even getting ready to work as a counselor myself. But i do still question how much, if any, of my submissive desires that have been so strong in me for as long as i can remember, are linked to this. Did that make me somehow an easier 'target' for this predator? Or did he ingrain in me more deeply still that i am to do just what i am told?
i don't know if i'll ever have answers to these questions ... but i wanted to acknowledge my own experience here, and say that i look forward to connecting more with such an amazing, strong, surviving community.
so
i was meant to be doing work right now, but again i got distracted my the site again when i found this thread. i have to say thank you to everyone who has posted here and denuseri you are so brave for starting this. knowing that other people have been through abuse and come out stronger for it and have been able to have bdsm relationships. im not ready to share what i went through, and although it may be nothing im comparison to what everyone else has been through, i have only had my own experiences to deal with, and it was the worst.
i find the library such a place of support and really hope with the support of friends irl and on here i can eventually get over this.
thank you
sinful
Sometimes it is enough to just know that we are not alone and here for each other when there is a need.
We also have an in house Abuse Support Sanctuary found via the following link with instructions for membership that is more private than the open forum or in the social groups section of your profile pages.
I am also allways available to anyone that needs some help.
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/group.php?groupid=6
I am thankful to see that this thread has been spared the curse of the server, and I say this because it is probably the most significant thread on the site, because in there somewhere is a great many lives torn apart by ignorance.
Ok so the site crashed, and we all know that it is part of life on the www, I was looking at the threads and I see that a lot of them are lost, but the memories of what was written in them still remain in my mind. I wrote in many of the threads myself; and some, just a few stick in my mind so firmly. I now feel that thinking of all that is lost it is only right that we should repair the threads as best we can. In the few months that I was a member before the crash I took great stock in what my peers and equals had written in this thread, and I believe I owe denuseri the respect of replacing some of what was lost. This was a repair thread because as I wrote and told you all of my feelings and pain, it repaired a lot of the hurt and guilt inside of me. It is the thread that is in need of repair now and I hope that with others this will be the day it starts.
At the age of 4 years my father beat me wicked with a two inch wide belt, it took place maybe once a week. It was not just me but my brother also, but my father beat me first being the youngest, my brother that was twelve months older than me was also beat, but my father’s rage was subdued when it was his turn. He always received a lighter punishment, and in later years it caused a lot of resentment between my brother and me, and even now looking at him I cannot forget or forgive. My father died some few years ago but, I never went to his funeral and I am unsure why, but I never forgave him, and not even now can I bring myself to do so. It is on record that I had a nervous breakdown at the age of 4 and a half, it begs belief to why that took place. Ok I admit, I am 58 years old now, and this all took place in 1954, things were done different then and children at school in England were punished with the cane.
Schooling was a bitch, I had hiding after hiding and I can remember most even now today. There was a teacher in a first grade school that on every Wednesday, she would get two twelve inch rulers back to back and strike the rear of my thighs. Why? Because it was spelling and I had no idea and was not good enough; this also took place on a Friday, Why? Because I could not say my eight times table in maths, but the over-riding reason was because, she was the head teacher and she could. The worst thing was that it was in front of all the other pupils’ male and female, and all of my friends that were sat there smirking.
I joined the UK Special Forces, and after that no one messed with me until my first wife. She took great pride in pulling me down and rubbing my face into the ground. After a mild argument where she was found to be wrong, she would take her revenge in the darkness of the marital bed. She would rake her fingernails down my bare back drawing the blood, and I would lay there saying nothing with tears in my eyes being a coward. She never did that because she had to, she did that because she could and she knew that I would let her, she also knew that it was not in my nature to strike back. I was glad when I was sent to N Ireland for the troubles, because I found it safer and less painful dodging the Thomson machine gun, molitof cocktails and nail bombs, than it was being with her.
I am in no doubt that all of these traumatic experiences have something to do with the way I think about BDSM. It is a strange feeling though, when after going through all this that, I now find I am attracted to the very thing that gave me so much pain.
I would also like to say something about triggers, and I have had mine pulled on many occasions. I had my trigger pulled only the other week, and it came from a person that I had never taken into consideration. At 86 years old it was my mother, we have never seen eye to eye, but she pulled it and I went off in the expected explosion. The thing was it was because of the lost threads that I realise that she was as much of the problem as my father, teacher and my first wife. She had been standing back in her silence watching all of what took place, and it was as a mother she should have defended me, or at least gave me the love I was seeking.
This thread is about life in the dark world of fear, where silence is just as noisy as the mouth screaming abuse. It is about the lost love and the false love, it is about people that through no fault of their own who have been let down by their peers, their friends and the worst of all their families. When young there are a lot of hearts broken and there are a lot of lives shattered, and I find that it is a good thing that I have lived for 58 years, because I am still picking up the pieces. I have always been led to believe that a person should never look back, but I think that the only way to go forward is to do that very thing. I still have a lot of hurt inside of me, one day; well maybe? I will be returning to this thread because it has captured my mind, the posts that are here are showing the guilty that their crimes will never be forgotten.
Regards ian 2411
Hello, i am somewhat gutted that my post to this was lost in the server crash, but would like to repost. Hoping noone has a problem with this! lol.
i am a 32 year old woman, a sub to my Beloved One, and am a survivor of childhood abuse, and i would like to speak of it if i may.(I am capitilizing myself in this where I wish to to denote the fact that I am not submissive to these events!)
I was born to a 14 year old mother, far too young to bring me up, and so was adopted by her aunt and uncle when 3 days old. For all intents and purposes, they are my parents.
My first 3 and a half years were normal baby and toddler hood but then My father started molesting me. Now people say that we as young children would have little memory of events, but some things are pretty firmly implanted! It started out with inappropriate touching and carried on till I left home at 16. 13 years, in which he explored all forms of sexuality with Me. At age 8 he began having full intercourse. He was an extremely sexually sadistic man, and was not happy until I was begging him to stop, struggling, and he would have an excuse to restrain Me. My mother was aware of everything that was going on, to the degree that she began tying Me down for him when I was about 7. My mother had an immense anger problem, and would beat Me on almost a daily basis. The anger that she felt (I can only see in retrospect) that her husband chose her daughter over her was huge and to a degree understandable. But the anger was directed at Me, and taken out on Me. I learnt at a very young age to show no emotion, for any response to anything that happened would just cause more pain.
The emotional abuse was the worst however. The systematic destruction of My spirit was horrendous. I was the child that noone was to know about. My older brothers (not adopted) were allowed to be anywhere they wished. If we had visitors over I was to be in My room and not to be seen by any of them. My grandmother still recalls having to sneak up our hallway and into My room to even be allowed to hug Me, for touching Me was not allowed.
We were a wealthy family, and very respected and powerful in our community, so even though so many people saw what was happening, it was not worth it to go up against My family, yes, I was not worth it to them! At age 9 I made My first suicide attempt. There was no emotion involved, i just did not want to exist another day. Not knowing what I really had to do, I failed miserably (a fact I am eternally grateful for!) Then I discovered self harming, and would cut myself, desperate to "bleed the bad blood out" that My mother swore was in Me.
One morning I awoke (I was 16) and found that I was bleeding from My father anally raping Me, bleeding from My mothers cane and bleeding from My own attempts to get rid of the bad. I looked down at My body and realised that with all the blood on Me I could not tell what was from who. That did it for Me. I walked out to the dining room where My parents both were and just said to them "I am leaving, I don't love you". I walked out that door, never to walk back in. I was 16, moved into a flat I found that day, spent the next 2 years finishing school, then on to University. As soon as I had left I went into therapy. It hurt so very much, but for the first time someone sat there and said that it was not ok. I had ached for those words, bled for them. Slowly I healed, physically yes, emotionally took a while longer. Eventually I learnt to forgive, and let Me tell you, forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. If i had waited till I felt like it I would still be waiting lol. Sometimes it is harder, and it has to be a daily thing for Me, today I forgive them. I do not do so for their sake, but I do for mine. It frees Me.
Does this have anything to do with My passion for lifestyle and being a submissive? How can it not have some influence in what I choose now. There is a huge difference now though, and that is CHOICE. I am not forced into this, I have found what works for Me in a safe way. A way that buiilds Me up, not tears Me down. A way that means I am empowered, for I can say yes, and I can say no. I am no victim, I am no doormat, I am a strong, powerful, beautiful, intelligent, fantastic, feminine, sensual, fiery, fiesty woman, and proud, so proud of who I am. I am not who I am because of them, I am who I am despite them. I have chosen life, not a mere existance, but life. With all it's passions and peculiarities. Every day is a miracle to Me. Every day.
I am grateful for every day of My growing up, for though it was manifestly screwed it has made Me who I am and you know what, I like Me! So I am grateful. I am a survivor. I have chosen to be a survivor.
Choice not chance determines destiny. i just wanted to tell you all My story, because it is not My shame, not a bit!
Warmest hugs........morwyn
You are all amazingly brave, coming forward to share your stories. A true Master need not abuse his charge and a real man would not either. I salute all of you..
I can relate to some of your story. Other parts I cannot. Regardless of where our experiences are similar, I want to say thank you for sharing and I am glad you survived and thrived!
And to the rest of you brave and amazing people, thank you, too! I am inspired daily to continue in my healing process when I read people's words.
Be well and may peace find you every night...
Lisa
thank you so much Morwyn... your strength is inspiring.
my deepest thanks to those that have opened the doors in this thread. Abuse in it's many forms can be such an insidious evil and it is only able to rule us as long as we agree to keep our silence and harbour it within, instead of shouting aloud....."It's NOT ok, and it's NOT my shame"
i applaud all who have posted here, and for those yet to do so i say "when you have found the courage within yourself to tell your truth, there are people here willing to listen, to hold you, to support you, to love you. Take back your power, take back the beauty that is you. Let out the loud whispers from within."
Love and blessings.........morwyn
I saw this thread, the headline "victim of abuse" caught my attention. As i spent some time reading through.
First of all denuseri, i want to thank you for starting this thread.
I think this had really brought up some things that i have burried.
denuseri, i am amazed by your strength and amazed by who you have became. And along with others who have shared their experience of abuse. Thank you for being brave to reach out for others who needs a hand.
I myself have been abused in many different ways by many people that I have trusted and let into my life.
I was a daddy's little girl until my parents divorced when I was 6. My mother just kinda took her freedom way to seriously. Started drugs and drinking heavily. I am not going to go on in details of what happened to me. It all started out by sexual abuse at age 9 til i was 15 by my mom's boyfriends, yes plural there.
I have been molested, raped, beatened, verbally abused you name it.
My mother and I never had a mother/daughter relationship that I always yearned for.
I was in a relationship for 8 years who had always put me down. Embarresses me in public. He beats me, controls everything I do. I couldn't even wipe my own ass with out him watching me. After 8 years, my kids and I packed only our clothes we could take and left him and everthing we own behind. We moved to another state to start a new life. My kids were abused as well. I feared for their lives so it was all it took for me to build courage to leave him.
I have forgiven all the ones who hurt me but will never forget what they had done to me. I also thank each and every one of my abuser for making me strong inside. For making me who I am today.
I am a survivor. I believe things happen for a reason. And that we go through this and become strong and smart and help the ones who really needs it.
Hello all,
I am getting ready to go see my mother for Christmas. She is not my abuser, but she certainly allowed it happen. I was a child (5) when my abuse started and a teenager (14) when it "ended." It didn't end, however, when the actual sexual abuse and torture stopped. It continued in more subtle ways. And that continued until I finally moved out of my family home. The abuse continues to impact me now in terms of PTSD symptoms, as well as in my relationships. I'm feeling particularly vulnerable this year because of some other things going on in my life - related to my abuse, of course - and just felt I needed to name that.
I'm hurting, and remembering some of the insanity of my childhood and thinking about it in different ways. My family has been torn apart and the only good part of my family (my father) is, unfortunately, long dead. I am alone for Christmas - not literally as I will see my mother and some friends (thank God for friends!) - but am not in a relationship. And I am rarely in one because of my abuse.
I'm feeling very lonely and alone this year and am grateful to have found this community and this thread here, as well as the courageous and kind people who post and who read this.
For those of you who celebrate Christmas, I hope it's a Merry one. For all of you, I wish you a peaceful new year.
Thanks for reading.
Lisa
Sweetie, thank you for sharing. sending you my warmest hugs of love and support through this time.
I wish to say thank you to a special Dom who mentioned this thread, after we spoke he thought it might help me in some way if I shared my story. I was a very outgoing, outspoken and fun loving type of individual. I had met a man, who claimed he was a “Christian”, and in outward appearances it appeared that he was. We were married for three years and you could notice subtle changes in his demeanor. He started telling me what I could and could not wear. One time he wanted me to take vitamins. We had company at the house and I did not want them. He actually forced them down my throat. I fought him the entire time. You would have thought I would have seen the damn sign then but I was blind. In the three years I had been with him he had destroyed me mentally. He would not allow me to go home. He would not allow my family to visit unless he approved, he was in total control.
One day I was having a migraine I woke up hearing my daughter crying in the other room. I got up and went in the room opened the door and there is my husband. He is standing up adjusting his pants. a very guilty look on his face. I take my daughter who is three years old into my room and she states her father hurt her “tutu”, which she used to describe as her vagina. I ask her to show me where…..So….long story short…..
A doctor exams her, she has been, they call in DHS….but trust me it is a long process. I go in hiding. I also have a six month old son with me. I am in hiding for approximately six months. We eventually go to a man who is a Psychiatrist/Attorney….very expensive son of a gun. He states that yes she has been abused, no shit Sherlock. He said that he did not believe it was her father, that he thought it was her father’s uncle or her Dads father….WTF….bullshit. We did have supervised visitation for a couple of years. … He had five time the money that I had and a criminal attorney, so after five years, he was granted visitation rights.
I will say that I have no idea why things happen. What happens mold us into what and who we are. I have forgiven him and will always love him because he is my children’s father. They love him and I will love him for them. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things. You may not forget but you can forgive. That is when true healing can begin.
epiphany
I have read all of the posts in this thread, and all the posts that were lost in the crash, and I am at a loss as to what planet these psychiatrist’s come from, that some posts talk about. I think that you are wrong when you say that you should have seen the signs. No one ever sees the signs of an abuser or a controller, because it is a deep secret that they all keep, and that is why so many get away with the things they do. Neither can you see the signs if you are not looking for them; and most abusers put their actions down to love and trust, protectiveness, or discipline, and they use those very words to justify their actions. They will never put it down to their own sickness, and they will always apportion blame to others rather than say it is them that need help.
As for forgiveness, it is as you say the hardest thing to do, but you must be a lot stronger than me, because I will never forgive my abusers, and neither can I ever forget them. I tolerate them, because I never burn bridges that one day I might have to walk back over. I was just wondering as I ask you with the greatest respect, how can you still love the person that has put you through so much mental pain? I think that that could also be your strength of mind now, and it is something to be admired.
Regards ian 2411