Trouble in Paradise... yet hopefully hope is still alive
It was a very short time ago that I posted about my joy of joys in finding Master, as well as the ease and beauty of polyamory... but I was only in two months, what the hell did I know?
So, though at the beginning, Master's other slave, j, seemed just as warm and inviting to me as Master, it seems now she has issues with me. I, and Master as well, are not really sure of their specifics, but have only been surmising.
j is sick. She has the diagnosis of sarcoidosis, which causes her chronic fatigue. She must sleep early and rise late, along with taking at least one nap during the day. Her body cannot absorb pain, she has lost her sex drive, she goes through "brain fog" and emotional fluctuations.
They went through a long period before they decided, at j's bequest, it was told to me, to search for another to fulfill Master's BDSM needs, as well as become a third in the all-perfect triad. They searched for a year or so and found me in March.
From the start, Master and j both were loving and expressive about how special I am. i remember j once said to me, "thank you for being so real." Master constantly told me, and still does, that I exceed His expectations. He is in love with me emotionally and physically. This I do believe. He has never once faltered, even in the minutest degree, in His shows of affection towards me.
But apparently, I am actually too real... I must be blunt and say I can be quite high-maintenance and melodramatic- not intentionally- but these are the behaviors I've learned as coping skills throughout my thirty-one years here. They are certainly things I would like to rid myself of. But they did cause a few bumps- and there were times, Master confessed to me, that He wanted to call it quits, but j was, in fact, the one to remind Him that I am a "quality item" (His words). And so He continued, and He and i both agree emphatically that my behaviors and attitude have much improved. That I am where He needs me to be to develop as His slave.
And yet, just recently, after my behavioral changes, j has begun to have issues with me. I have done my best to be communicative, on her terms, loving, and caring towards her- even sexual as well, but she cannot tolerate very much. She really cannot tolerate much of anything, and so I am at a loss with how to bond with her.
So, in a way, Master is in the middle. He wishes us all three to be happy as clams. But ... the only reason I can fathom that j would have issues with me is the obvious one of not wanting to share Master. With anyone. I'm sure it doesn't make it easier that He has stated that I can take more physically than she could even in her best days. Maybe that was an error on His part. But she already, before me, felt inadequate as His slave, His wife, His partner... and I believe that though she may have been sincere in her willingness for this search, now that I'm here, she cannot deal with it.
Certainly, Master knows He could just make the decision to keep me and tell j that is how it is. But He is not that way. He is kind and considerate and cannot stand for anyone He loves to be uncomfortable or in pain (well... you know what i mean...lol).
I feel like j is being selfish... that may sound unempathetic, but... i have even told Master, if it's easier for You if i just go, then that is what I will do... and I will not commit my characteristic behavior or resentfulness, coldness, or even downright meanness out of being hurt. Because I love Him so dearly. That is an enormous step for me. I also have been able to continue to be loving and obedient to Him, even in these moments that I feel may be my last with Him, which, again, is a huge step for me. As Daes said in her post, "Letting go of your owner", it is easier to start the detachment process ASAP. But I have not let myself detach from Him- because I know it would hurt Him- I have not reverted to the defensive "fuck you" vanilla girl facade I presented with most of my life to other men and women. It is killing me.
This whole thing is killing me. I will be absolutely crushed to an infinitessimal amount of microsopic bits of matter if I do lose this man. He is the greatest man I have ever known. I know I will never meet anyone like Him, even close to Him- and that is not talking out of despondence, because He truly is so many cuts above the rest in so many ways.
I know He is painfully torn. He loves us both, wants us both. He stated from the beginning, even in His profile, that j and the other slave must get along, and love each other. I truly do not see why it cannot be that way. If I am accepting of sharing Him, and she agreed to this search- for a year- then so should she. I do not have a problem with women, as many other women do. I can love her in many ways, if she would open up to me. But she has withdrawn so much from me, and I can only think of that one reason why.
I thought at first maybe she thought I would not love Master (like she does, maybe she still thinks that, I don't know) enough, and/ or be a good enough slave because I have been argumentative and overreactive. But I have changed, and Master sees it so clearly, so she must as well. But maybe this makes her less happy, in truth, because she really has no reason for me not to be here. Master has told me repeatedly how happy I make Him, how much I fulfill Him- not just sexually- and that if He had met me before j, He would have wanted me then too. I believe this, because when We are together, We fit so well. It is so beautiful.
Master has said to me He wants to keep me, He will keep me, We will all make this work. So His idea, really the only one I think there is, is for the three of us to talk with complete honesty. Of corse I am willing and ready. However, I only finally got my son (yes, I have a two-and-half year-old which certainly complicates things) to bed at 10:15 and j had already gone to sleep. Master was waiting for me, though, and We simply sat on the couch watching basketball. He did not say anything to me about this topic, nor did i ask Him because He will bring it up when He chooses. ... However, my mind can't help but to guess the worst, because surely in the two hours I was putting my son to bed, they discussed it at some point, so Master must have a clearer picture of His decision... and so I can't help but fear the most devastating news of my life so far.
I am angry too, because, obviously my life is not the only one to be affected. We have all planned for my son and I to move in here later this year. I have already turned down one job offer and an interview because I'm thinking I am going to move. Now, this starts... and where am I? But I am not angry at Master, or even at j 100%... just the situation. I know Master loves me... and if j and i never became best friends, Master's love for my son and me would be enough. But, in the end, as Master tries to make two slaves and Himself happy and comfortable... i don't know... I won't even write it... because though I fear, and have begun to expect it, I am still hoping for the best.
Are we all doomed for endless heartbreak after heartbreak? Or is it just me? It's hard not to be self-destructive (that would mean, eating poorly at this point in my life)- if this does end, my son will be the only reason for me to live and not find a slow, indirect way to kill myself.
Well, everybody, whoever read through this post all this way, I thank you so much for your time... if you have any feedback, please share...
Hope has died... Accepting, Letting Go, Healing... Moving On...
Fae, nk_lion, thank you for your kind words.. and everyone else as well...
nk- you are right.. thank you.. that is a great point about my son...
Well, as some of you from chat already now... it is done...
I'm sure Michael and I both knew all along... But at least I was able to drive safely home Monday afternoon... because I had the thought that I would see him again...
Now, being away from him, it is easier... a little easier...to take from the experience the good memories and the lessons... instead of languishing over their ending...
So I will not be mari of Michael, mari<msbermes> anymore... I am working on a new name...
And Rhabbi has graciously and kindly agreed to watch over me in the meantime.
Thank you all again...
