moptop's Assignment 1 proper - finally!

OK: first off, this is the first draft. Straight onto paper, no proofing, no editing, put down in a panic because I got gently poked by Ruby. Which is always a pleasure of course :D.

I have taken a small liberty with the theme - the sub is already there. But she's asleep, so she only really arrives when she wakes up. That's the story that came out, so... I went with it.

Many, many apologies for how long this has taken me.

Early one morning

I woke up early that morning. I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, and one of the ones she’s best at is sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

This particular morning, though, I was woken at dawn by the sun slanting across my eyes and the birds singing their territorial hearts out. I swore to myself, realising that I just was not going to get back to sleep now. I got up gently and went to sit in the chair across the room. It is just in front of a window, and I thought I’d read while I waited for slutty-pie to wake up.

I sat down in the chair, and when I looked up, I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls start crawling and my cock start twitching. It was already hot – at this time of year it never gets cool – so we were both starkers, with only a light sheet on the bed. We’d kicked the sheet off some time during the night; so the bed contained only my little nekked whore.

But not just lying any old how, oh no. My little darling, even asleep, was still the ultimate sub. She was lying on her back, her legs spread wide so not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view; and she had her arms above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was just – perfect.

I just sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. Go on, it said: plunge into her offered delights, hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust, rape of the Sleeping Beauty.

But I wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

Instead of listening to my prick, I got up, very quietly. Even though she’s a heavy sleeper, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the moment. I went over and opened the toy box, choosing a few things carefully. I had to be careful of the clinking.

I went back over to the bed with my booty. I stood over her for a few minutes, just drinking her in. Her head was turned to the left, framed by her raised arms and long wavy blond hair. Her tits were a little flattened, being on her back, but her brown nipples were sticking out, titillated by the early morning breeze. I reached out and very, very lightly ran my hand from her elbow, down her side, sensing each rib, the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She sighed and twitched slightly. I stopped, and waited for her breathing to become deep and slow again.

I went to the foot of the bed. Very carefully, I clipped first one and then the other padded metal shackle around her ankles, padlocking them shut. I clipped the chains onto the metal frame. This left her with just a little movement, but no more than an inch each leg, I reckoned. I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed: there isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want.

The legs were easy. I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Very, very carefully, I moved the top one slightly to one side; waited; I watched her face hard. She turned her head to the other side, a little frown appearing briefly, and shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. But she stayed asleep.

I gently, gently locked the shackles on her wrists, and clipped the chains to the same point on the wrought-iron bed-head. This lifted them very slightly off the mattress. I was sure that now, she would be starting to surface. I hoped she was having a nice erotic fantasy. I imagined her pussy swelling and getting wet and glistening. I went back to the foot of the bed to look. Oh yes. She may still have been asleep, but her dreams were working overtime.

She shifted slightly, pulling on her arms a little. OK. It was time I moved. I wanted it to be me who woke her; I didn’t want her to come awake of her own. I stepped quickly back to the side of the bed, and started to stroke her with the whip. Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…

She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.

“What the fu-?”

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.

OK, I'll start my own ball rolling...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

I woke up early that morning. I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, and one of the ones she’s best at is sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

---

'one of the ones' is not good. 'one of the things' repeats 'things'. 'one of those' is just wrong. So 'one she's best at'? Don't like that either. Thoughts?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

But not just lying any old how, oh no. My little darling, even asleep, was still the ultimate sub. She was lying on her back, her legs spread wide so not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view; and she had her arms above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was just – perfect.

I just sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. Go on, it said: plunge into her offered delights, hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust, rape of the Sleeping Beauty.

---

Too many 'just's.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

I went over and opened the toy box, choosing a few things carefully. I had to be careful of the clinking.

---

carefully... careful... repeat. Also maybe 'crept' instead of 'went'.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed: there isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want.

---

Probably need to move this to somewhere else, it doesn't fit here

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

The legs were easy.

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had been easy?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Very, very carefully, I moved the top one slightly to one side; waited; I watched her face hard. She turned her head to the other side, a little frown appearing briefly, and shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. But she stayed asleep.

---

careful - carefully again. Where's my thesaurus?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

I gently, gently locked the shackles on her wrists,

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on - onto

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…

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neck, her

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.

---

Not happy with the ending. I mean, I have no objection to leaving the situation open, for the reader to create. I'm just having trouble with the words here. Don't feel satisfied with it.

That's just a first re-read. A little time to simmer will provide far more intense criticism of myself, of course.

Nice story. I especially like the evil man, binding his girl in her sleep, this is so sinister and sexy. I am not much of a nit picker, but I see what you were trying to get at with the sentence about her being a good sleeper. His commenting about her being a good sleeper shows his sense of humor. Tone is sarcastic yet affectionate? Did I get that right?

Originally Posted by moptop
I woke up early that morning. I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, and one of the ones she’s best at is sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

-she's good at many things, when it comes to sleeping, she's the best.

You seem to be able to see lots of little things you want to change, to many of the same word is pretty easy to fix...were you not allowed to edit?

I liked this, it was sexy and fun.

Beswitchingly

Beswitching - how nice to meet you - beautiful cat!

Thank you for your comments - yes, you certainly had the feel right for that sentence - good suggestion, thank you.

Oh, I could have edited, certainly, if I'd liked! But I felt it was possibly rather more illuminating, as an exercise in showing my own critical processes, to go through it and comment it. That is, after all, what we do to others (poor old Mean Dean!!).

Also I thought it might encourage everyone else to wade in and tear it to shreds - come on, guys! It's short, I know - but there must be meat in there to gnaw at!

Nice to meet you too, lips... Yes, the cat knew it was beautiful, a refugee after the storm...I called him Gary, he left when his people came back. Cats. Nice lips, are they yours?

Poor old Mean Dean? Have you read his stories? Poor him nothing, that guy is an evil genius.

I guess that is one way to get the ball rolling on the rippin, just do it to yourself...

Just for fun (and to further provoke the wrath of the beasts) I am gonna post a pretty rough draft...what the hell.

Beswitchingly

Oh, yes, they are my lips. I rather like them, too... how vain! But then, I am fundamentally feline...

Ah - underneath Mean Dean's evilness lies a well of nastiness just waiting to be appreciated. 'Nobody loves me!' it whimpers. 'Damn right!' we answer

Just read your rough draft - I found it chilling and compelling as a story - yes, needs work - one split infinitive got my goat - but I really liked it. I would quite like to allow some other throat-rippers at it first... but they all seem to be on holiday!

Well, Miss moptop, I think you are very qualified to rip on my stuff...feel free to go ahead, at least show me what got your goat. The other rippers may be temporarily out on holiday or lulling us into a false sense of security. Either way, it's all good.

Split infinitive, hmmm. Maybe I can find it and eradicate it before Mad Lews sees...

Hi Moptop,

Thanks for waiting for my review. Please wait a bit longer.

Ruby

Hey... I made you wait, Ruby! (but that was just so I could enjoy being prodded...)

Following my own rips. Have not changed the ending - still want feedback on that, please.

Early one morning

I woke up early that morning. I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, but she excels at sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

This particular morning, though, I was woken at dawn by the sun slanting across my eyes and the birds singing their territorial hearts out. I swore to myself, realising that I just was not going to get back to sleep now. I got up gently and went to sit in the chair across the room. It is just in front of a window, and I thought I’d read while I waited for slutty-pie to wake up.

I sat down in the chair, and when I looked up, I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls start crawling and my cock start twitching. It was already hot – at this time of year it never gets cool – so we were both starkers, with only a light sheet on the bed. We’d kicked the sheet off some time during the night; so the bed contained only my little nekked whore.

But not just lying any old how, oh no. My little darling, even asleep, was still the ultimate sub. She was lying on her back, her legs spread wide so not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view; and she had her arms above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was simply – perfect.

I sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. Go on, it said: plunge into her offered delights, hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust, rape of the Sleeping Beauty.

But I wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

Instead of listening to my prick, I got up, very quietly. Even though she’s a heavy sleeper, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the moment. I went over and opened the toy box. Carefully avoiding any clinking sounds, I picked out the items I needed..

I went back over to the bed with my booty. I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed: there isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want. And I definitely wanted.

I stood over her for a few minutes, just drinking her in. Her head was turned to the left, framed by her raised arms and long wavy blond hair. Her tits were a little flattened, being on her back, but her brown nipples were sticking out, titillated by the early morning breeze. I reached out and very, very lightly ran my hand from her elbow, down her side, sensing each rib, the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She sighed and twitched slightly. I stopped, and waited for her breathing to become deep and slow again.

I went to the foot of the bed. Very carefully, I clipped first one and then the other padded metal shackle around her ankles, padlocking them shut. I clipped the chains onto the metal frame. This left her with just a little movement, but no more than an inch each leg, I reckoned.

The legs had been easy. I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Slowly and so gently, I moved the top one slightly to one side and waited; I watched her face hard. She turned her head to the other side, a little frown appearing briefly, and shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. But she stayed asleep.

With infinite care, I locked the shackles on her wrists, and clipped the chains to the same point on the wrought-iron bed-head. This lifted them very slightly off the mattress. I was sure that now, she would be starting to surface. I hoped she was having a nice erotic fantasy. I imagined her pussy swelling and getting wet and glistening. I went back to the foot of the bed to look. Oh yes. She may still have been asleep, but her dreams were working overtime.

She shifted slightly, pulling on her arms a little. OK. It was time I moved. I wanted it to be me who woke her; I didn’t want her to come awake of her own. I stepped quickly back to the side of the bed, and started to stroke her with the whip. Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck, her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…

She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.

“What the fu-?”

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.

moptop,

I liked the way you handled the sentence

'I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, but she excels at sleeping.'

This was one of my favorite sentences; it shows the man's sense of humor and sets up a realistic situation where a damsel might be bound in her sleep.

I agree, that waiting for Ruby might be the polite thing to do, but she also gave us instructions to be active in the levels...I doubt she would mind some comments...I cannot help myself, unless I am instructed to lay off the comments, I see no reason to stop.

As for the ending, immeadiately, I would take out the word just to start. Imo, the last sentence could be omitted...I would give him a line instead,

" That's What the fu-, SIR."

or something to that effect.

Nice fixing.

I hope Ruby doesn't mind.

Beswitchingly

Hi BP, Moptop and others,

There is no need to wait for me.
Jump right in and give your feedback.

BP, I certainly don't mind.

Moptop, I'm hoping to spend some time with this today.

For those reading Moptop's story, please answer the following:

1. Do you believe this story is told by a man? Why or why not? What's missing? What works for you?

2. How's she doing on the active tense?

3. Are the actions in the story believable?

Please review and write on!

Ruby

Quote:

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For those reading Moptop's story, please answer the following:

1. Do you believe this story is told by a man? Why or why not? What's missing? What works for you?

Quote:

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I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls start crawling and my cock start twitching.

---

I believed it was a man. As far as I know strap-ons don't "twitch".

2. How's she doing on the active tense?

umm...forgot what that means...will get back to you. :rolleyes:

3. Are the actions in the story believable?

oh goodness i hope so...that was delicious.

Please review and write on!

---

Seriously, yes. I did believe the scenario possible. Gentle, quiet movements on a very heavy sleeper. A "What the fu..." after she realized it was her Master, I thought that was funny.

Slight detour on reality for me was: What about the just-woke-up-need to use the bathroom right away reality? Excuse the graphic/practical thoughts...it's what occurred to me.

I guess it's obvious I enjoyed the story. It wasn't awkward to read, very pleasant. Flowed well.

I want to play with your story. I really should go to sleep, but I am misbehaving. I hope you don't mind...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

Following my own rips. Have not changed the ending - still want feedback on that, please.

Early one morning

I woke up early that morning. I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, but she excels at sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.



I woke up early that morning is active voice, good because it describes and action. Would the next sentence read better as less active because it gives background? I love it the way it is; I am trying to understand active voice.

This particular morning, though, I was woken at dawn by the sun slanting across my eyes and the birds singing their territorial hearts out. I swore to myself, realising that I just was not going to get back to sleep now. I got up gently and went to sit in the chair across the room. It is just in front of a window, and I thought I’d read while I waited for slutty-pie to wake up.

Was woken, is this right? Would saying instead--I woke at dawn, the sunslanting across my eyes and the the birds singing their territorial hearts out.-- is that also right? I have trouble with the verbs sometimes. Realising is misspelled. I like the rest of it just the way it is. I would like to think a man would be cutsie enough to call a girl "slutty pie," just curious though, do the guys think so?



I sat down in the chair, and when I looked up, I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls start crawling and my cock start twitching. It was already hot – at this time of year it never gets cool – so we were both starkers, with only a light sheet on the bed. We’d kicked the sheet off some time during the night; so the bed contained only my little nekked whore.

Perhaps a man would not say his cock were twiching if he were the kind of man whose mind turned off completely when the twitching started...but a dom might savor the twitch, and it would hopefully grow as he started as he noticed her position in the next paragraph...is it me or do all dominant man like to stay in play mode and hard without jumping right to the target...in this case her lovely open legs and shaved pussy...



But not just lying any old how, oh no. My little darling, even asleep, was still the ultimate sub. She was lying on her back, her legs spread wide so not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view; and she had her arms above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was simply – perfect.

Now, if this is not something a male dom would notice and appreciate, I am going to stop having sex...seriously, I love this description-- I don't know if it is because it is gramatically correct, because I could give a fuck about looking too close, it is such a pretty picture, him seeing her like that and appreciating her. The only thing that snagged me was simply. I would have left the simply out.


I sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. Go on, it said: plunge into her offered delights, hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust, rape of the Sleeping Beauty.

But I wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

Instead of listening to my prick, I got up, very quietly. Even though she’s a heavy sleeper, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the moment. I went over and opened the toy box. Carefully avoiding any clinking sounds, I picked out the items I needed..

I went back over to the bed with my booty. I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed: there isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want. And I definitely wanted.

I stood over her for a few minutes, just drinking her in. Her head was turned to the left, framed by her raised arms and long wavy blond hair. Her tits were a little flattened, being on her back, but her brown nipples were sticking out, titillated by the early morning breeze. I reached out and very, very lightly ran my hand from her elbow, down her side, sensing each rib, the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She sighed and twitched slightly. I stopped, and waited for her breathing to become deep and slow again.

I went to the foot of the bed. Very carefully, I clipped first one and then the other padded metal shackle around her ankles, padlocking them shut. I clipped the chains onto the metal frame. This left her with just a little movement, but no more than an inch each leg, I reckoned.

The legs had been easy. I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Slowly and so gently, I moved the top one slightly to one side and waited; I watched her face hard. She turned her head to the other side, a little frown appearing briefly, and shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. But she stayed asleep.

With infinite care, I locked the shackles on her wrists, and clipped the chains to the same point on the wrought-iron bed-head. This lifted them very slightly off the mattress. I was sure that now, she would be starting to surface. I hoped she was having a nice erotic fantasy. I imagined her pussy swelling and getting wet and glistening. I went back to the foot of the bed to look. Oh yes. She may still have been asleep, but her dreams were working overtime.

She shifted slightly, pulling on her arms a little. OK. It was time I moved. I wanted it to be me who woke her; I didn’t want her to come awake of her own. I stepped quickly back to the side of the bed, and started to stroke her with the whip. Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck, her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…

She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.

“What the fu-?”

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.

---

I like that the movement and thought is so predatory and the sleeping woman so vulnerable. Could a male think this way? Would he go to such lengths to bind her so... I will only believe it wholly when we get a male opinon...guys, hey, hello. But g-d, I hope so, and I hope I know him...

I believe it is a male and a dom, and a sadistic one at that. I site his preference to withold his cock and take up the whip....see, this is just the sort of "What the- fu?" thing a good sadist would want to do as her alarm clock. On the pussy? I would wake up screaming bloody fucking murder.

I am not sure the mild reaction is believable, has anyone every been brought from dreamland by a whip? I have not tasted the whip. Can a person speak after a lash to the cunt? If he only grazed her, maybe then her words would be so...defiant?

So totally believable action from the male point of view, but being a female, how the fuck would I know? Her reaction? Now that I look at this with Ruby's instructions in mind, I am not sure. If I wanted to check I would ask someone who has been brought from dreamland with pain...did he intend to sting or was it just a kiss?

1. Do you believe this story is told by a man? Why or why not? What's missing? What works for you?

Not sure that is does work - only because I think it is how I would portray how a man might see it, and I have no confidence that I can ever really understand how a man thinks. They are such strange creatures.

2. How's she doing on the active tense?
I could only spot a few examples of passive tense, and they were skillfully used to create variety, they did not make the story stagnant.

3. Are the actions in the story believable?
Generally yes, I am an exceptionally heavy sleeper - have yet to go through a nuclear explosion, but am never allowed to forget that I once slept through the house alarm going off. So, this is not a completely unfamiliar scenario. The only issue I have with it is that if I were woken up in that manner I would be frightened rather than cross. Anger takes more awareness of what is going on, and more mental energy than I have pre fruit and coffee. Fear however is an instinctive, protective reaction which cuts in without the aid of additives.

Moptop I enjoyed reading your story, and loved the way you managed to portray both his sadistic and tender sides.

cariad

Grrrrr was half way through my answer and for some reason, the page blanked... grrrr.

Anyway - thank you all, ladies, I am very grateful for the feedback.

I really need a man - to feed back, I mean! I have no idea whether this works as being told from a man's point of view. The ladies seem relatively OK with it. But as cariad says, they are such strange creatures.

Mishka - I've decided he's perfectly well aware of the need to pee thing - he is an ESB after all! Let's pretend they've got a rubber sheet...

Beswitching - thank you for playing with me! I very much appreciate the time you're putting in. I'm afraid I can't anwser your first comment/question - I'm only just learning to work with the active voice consciously, too.

Anyone else got an answer to that one?

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Was woken, is this right? Would saying instead--I woke at dawn, the sunslanting across my eyes and the the birds singing their territorial hearts out.-- is that also right? I have trouble with the verbs sometimes. Realising is misspelled.

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I'm afraid I'm English - realising is right! I also spell color 'colour', grey 'gray', and various other things like that. It must feel uncomfortable to you - I find US spelling uncomfortable - but I don't believe there is any convention in the library to oblige use of US spelling - Ruby?

'To be woken by something' is fine as far as I'm aware - e.g. 'I was woken by the alarm' (unless you're cariad :D). I'd like to stick with this unless I get more objections - there may be another US/UK difference here I'm not aware of. I did mean it to mean that the sun in his eyes and the noise of the birds woke him.

Quote:

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I like the rest of it just the way it is. I would like to think a man would be cutsie enough to call a girl "slutty pie," just curious though, do the guys think so?

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and Re the twitching/waiting - I look forward to comments from the men. I said I LOOK FORWARD TO COMMENTS FROM THE MEN.. (A little subtle suggestion doesn't do any harm now and again).

'simply' or not - hmmm - it was 'just' before. Which I liked, but I had too many justs. Taking 'simply' right out - it makes me feel that there isn't quite the gap, the moment's space before saying the word 'perfect' that I imagine. I'll have to think about it a bit, and see if I can rework it both to my satisfaction and yours!

Quote:

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I like that the movement and thought is so predatory and the sleeping woman so vulnerable.

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Ooh, lovely! I hadn't thought of him as predatory, but yes, you're right, he is isn't he. That's just given me a lovely shiver. Thank you for allowing me to see my own story differently!

Quote:

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Could a male think this way? Would he go to such lengths to bind her so... I will only believe it wholly when we get a male opinon...guys, hey, hello. But g-d, I hope so, and I hope I know him...

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Me too, me too!!

Re the reaction to the wake-up pain - and cariad's comment on fear - yes, points taken, I will re-work. (I did have her momentarily afraid, but it obviously isn't strong enough). And having been whipped on the pussy - well, yes, a really good yell would be appropriate.

I LOVE your suggestion for the ending!! Will definitely take advantage of that, thank you!

cariad, thank you too for your feedback - see comments above. I'm glad to have confirmation on the heavy sleeping bit! (I sleep hard, too). I'm glad I did OK on the active voice, too - I'll pretend the use of the passive was skillful, rather than just done in ignorance, lol.

I'm really glad you enjoyed the story, thank you.

I shall save my re-workings for a while... JUST in case a male deigns to drop by...

I only say realising was misspelled because I looked it up (online) on a spellcheck and a dictionary....both said it was realizing, and I saw no other British option given...now I can't even trust dictionaries...don't they usually give the alternate spelling if there is one?

Hmmm.

Found a better dictionary, and you were right moptop, realising is right too.

We often use an 's' in the middle of words where you use a 'z'.

'I woke at dawn' and 'I was awoken at dawn' to me have two very different meanings. The first suggests the natural waking which happens when one has had enough sleep, the second is the other waking when you find that someone has tied you to the bed and is very obviously enjoying himself so much that he rudely distrubs your sleep.

As for the simply I also like that. It adds an emotional element to the observation of her perfection. Without that it could sound clinical. Mind you, he is a man, so perhaps it should be removed. *ducks*

Hi Moptop and all,

Keep it going. This is the way the class is supposed to work. With all of us giving opinions and suggestions to help take us to the next level of our writing.

Moptop, you've created a delightful tale. I like how the guy takes his time, setting the stage for what he wants. There are many things to like about this story:

The setting,
time of day,
the dom in control,
his slut displayed so beautifully,
and his desire to "rape" sleeping beauty.

Mmmm.... wonderful.

To help with the “male / woman” speak concept in general and for first person stories. In my opinion:

Men think and want.
Women feel and need.

Men tend to be blunt, women flowery.

Men often speak and communicate in a logical flow: first A, then B, insert part C into slot D, etc.
Women often tell a story out of order, with random bits thrown in for emphasis and emotions sprinkled through out.

Both can be quite good at describing sensual items like touch, smell, sights, sounds, and tastes.

Here's an example of something I wouldn't call "man speak".

Quote:

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This particular morning, though, I was woken at dawn by the sun slanting across my eyes and the birds singing their territorial hearts out.

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This one reads like a girl speaking as written. Because of this line, I wasn't sure which gender was telling the story until he mentioned his cock and balls.

For guy speak, even a refined guy, you might use something like this:

The combination of sun streaming through the window and the noisy birds outside woke me.


Notice this line also works for the intro to the story.

The combination of sun streaming through the window and the noisy birds outside woke me. I always wake up before my slut. She’s good at many things, but she excels at sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

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I'm afraid I'm English - realising is right! I also spell color 'colour', grey 'gray', and various other things like that. It must feel uncomfortable to you - I find US spelling uncomfortable - but I don't believe there is any convention in the library to oblige use of US spelling - Ruby?

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Use the English - UK or US that is natural for you.
Editors have spell checkers for both.

Quote:

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Ooh, lovely! I hadn't thought of him as predatory, but yes, you're right, he is isn't he. That's just given me a lovely shiver. Thank you for allowing me to see my own story differently!

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Yes, he is predatory and quite enjoyable!

Quote:

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Re the reaction to the wake-up pain - and cariad's comment on fear - yes, points taken, I will re-work. (I did have her momentarily afraid, but it obviously isn't strong enough). And having been whipped on the pussy - well, yes, a really good yell would be appropriate.

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Yes, a good yell would be appropriate. I tend to wake up crabby and angry when my "beauty sleep" is disturbed.

Quote:

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I shall save my re-workings for a while... JUST in case a male deigns to drop by...

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Yes, please do save those re-workings for a bit longer.

Here's a few more edits/suggestions to consider:

Quote:

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Early one morning

The combination of sun streaming through the window and the noisy birds outside woke me. I always wake up before my slut. She’s good at many things, but she excels at sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

* There's no reason for him to be "gentle" yet. Do men really get up gently or announce that they have done so?*

I swore to myself, realising that I wasn't going to get back to sleep. So, I got up and went to sit in the chair across the room. It is just in front of a window, and I thought I’d read while I waited for slutty-pie to wake up.

* Balls crawling was too funny. It broke up the mood for me to imagine them crawling along trying to get to her. *

I sat down in the chair, and when I looked up, I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls my cock twitch. It was already hot, at this time of year it never gets cool, so we were both starkers, with only a light sheet on the bed. We’d kicked the sheet off some time during the night, so the bed contained only my little nekked whore.

She wasn't just lying any old how, oh no. Even asleep my little darling was still the ultimate sub. She slept on her back with her legs spread wide and not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view. Her arms were above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was simply, perfect.

I sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. "Go on," it said, "Plunge into her offered delights. Hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust. Rape the Sleeping Beauty."

But I wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

Instead of listening to my prick, I got up (no comma needed) very quietly. Even though she’s a heavy sleeper, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the moment. I went over and opened the toy box. Carefully avoiding any clinking sounds, I picked out the items I needed. (only one period)

I went back (deleted over) to the bed with my booty. I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed. There isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want. And I definitely wanted what?.

I stood over her for a few minutes, just drinking her in. Her head was turned to the left, framed by her raised arms and long wavy blond hair. Her tits were a little flattened from being on her back. Her brown nipples were sticking out, titillated by the early morning breeze. I reached out and very, very lightly ran my hand from her elbow down her side, sensing each rib, the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She sighed and twitched slightly. I stopped and waited for her breathing to become deep and slow again. (removed some extra commas)

I moved to the foot of the bed. Very carefully, I clipped first one and then the other padded metal shackle around her ankles, padlocking them shut. I clipped the chains onto the metal frame. This left her with just a little movement, but no more than about an inch for each leg.

The legs had been easy. I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Slowly and carefully, I moved the top one slightly to one side and waited. I watched her face. She turned her head to the other side. A little frown appeared briefly. She shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. (I'm not sure what that last line means. Moving her hips, yes, onto the bed a bit more? Hmmmm.) But she stayed asleep.

With infinite care, I locked the shackles on her wrists (no comma) and clipped the chains to the same point on the wrought-iron bed-head. This lifted them very slightly off the mattress. I was sure that now (no comma) she would start to surface. I hoped she was having a nice erotic fantasy. I imagined her pussy swelling and getting wet and glistening. I went back to the foot of the bed to look. Oh yes. She may still have been asleep, but her dreams were working overtime.

She shifted slightly, pulling on her arms a little. OK, it was time I moved. I wanted it to be me who woke her. I didn’t want her to wake on her own. I stepped quickly back to the side of the bed and started to stroke her with the whip. Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck, her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…

* We don't know that she is being tickled gently, because we aren't in her head. He is guessing here and perhaps is imagining what she is feeling. This is a great example of jumping from first person narration to an omnipresent narrator in the middle of a tale. It can't be used, so we need a work around. *

Using the soft leather strands fronds of the whip, I tried to tickle her gently across her exposed neck, her soft breasts, her flat belly, and her spread thighs. I aimed for outside then in, repeatedly.

She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment I wanted. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She woke yelling. Her body arched as she tried to pull away, but she was trapped from head to foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattled. Her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.

* Again, he is guessing her emotions. So he might make a statement that is something reflects his point of view. *

It looked like she was frightened for a moment before recognising me and the situation. I think her fear turned quickly to anger.

She yelled, “What the fu-?”

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.

---

Other things to consider:

What does his sub look like?
Would giving the color of her hair or eyes help make this story more real?
What are the things besides her pose he find attractive?
Early on, our story teller hinted that he wanted her to wake with him inside of her, instead, she wakes to the whip. Is that really what he wanted?

Moptop, while you are waiting for the men to respond, do you want to begin another assignment?

Keep the great work and write on!

Ruby

Looking forward to comments from the men is not a wise choice. It an especially poor decision when one of them is me. If you continue with such poor decisions you could find yourself in one of my stories - a prop on which people might hang their hat.

I have seen this and actually had a really brief look. I can't really take the time to properly go over this, but I will soon. As always, I will be brutal but truthful.

You shall regret waking the beast, Moptop. That I promise!

(insert evil laugh here)

*pokes the Beast with stick through bars of cage*

Here, beasty! C'mon, little beasty!

Ruby, many thanks for your detailed feedback. Lots of good points - some I don't agree with, we can discuss either here or PMing, whichever seems more appropriate once we get going. I shall hang on a while, yes.

Hi Moptop,

I'm very interested in your feedback to my feedback
and we can take it off line if you prefer.

PM or e-mail away.

What's so cool about this is we can always agree to disagree.

Write on!

Ruby

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

Early one morning

I woke up early that morning. I always wake up before my slut – she’s good at many things, and one of the ones she’s best at is sleeping. You could set off a small nuclear explosion next to her and she wouldn’t notice.

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I don't like that phrase. Sounds kind of childish.

Quote:

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This particular morning, though, I was woken at dawn by the sun slanting across my eyes and the birds singing their territorial hearts out. I swore to myself, realising that I just was not going to get back to sleep now. I got up gently and went to sit in the chair across the room. It is just in front of a window, and I thought I’d read while I waited for slutty-pie to wake up.

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"Woken" is a bad word to use no matter what.

If you are going to use slang, use contractions. This is a guy talking.

Quote:

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I sat down in the chair, and when I looked up, I was suddenly taken by a sight that made my balls start crawling and my cock start twitching. It was already hot – at this time of year it never gets cool – so we were both starkers, with only a light sheet on the bed. We’d kicked the sheet off some time during the night; so the bed contained only my little nekked whore.

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"Balls crawling" is not something most guys would use. If he did it would not be for something good.

You pushed the slang too far with "nekked".

Quote:

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But not just lying any old how, oh no. My little darling, even asleep, was still the ultimate sub. She was lying on her back, her legs spread wide so not a detail of her beautiful shaved pussy escaped my view; and she had her arms above her head, crossed at the wrists. I’m not kidding. She was just – perfect.

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No need for the semi-colon. Just start a new sentence and get rid of the "and".

Quote:

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I just sat and watched her for a while, amazed at this beauty, so naturally spread and offered. My cock joined in and urged me just to leap straight on top of her. Go on, it said: plunge into her offered delights, hold those wrists and pin her down and take her with one sharp thrust, rape of the Sleeping Beauty.

---

If a guy is going to give his cock a personality it is going to join into something - not just join in. Did his cock join in the revery he was finding? Did it jump into the conversation he was having with himself? What? Give it something to join into.

Quote:

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But I wanted to enjoy this a little longer.

Instead of listening to my prick, I got up, very quietly. Even though she’s a heavy sleeper, I didn’t want to risk spoiling the moment. I went over and opened the toy box, choosing a few things carefully. I had to be careful of the clinking.

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One sentence would cover this beautifully. Try "...choosing a few things carefully, while fighting off the inevitable clinking of metal." or something to that effect.

Quote:

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I went back over to the bed with my booty. I stood over her for a few minutes, just drinking her in.

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"I Went" should be "Going" or "Returning to" and you should get rid of "just" and add in what you were really drinking in. Was it her beauty? Was it her posture? Give us an adjective or something. Show us how beautiful she is.

[QOUTE]Her head was turned to the left, framed by her raised arms and long wavy blond hair. Her tits were a little flattened, being on her back, but her brown nipples were sticking out, titillated by the early morning breeze. I reached out and very, very lightly ran my hand from her elbow, down her side, sensing each rib, the dip of her waist and the curve of her hip. She sighed and twitched slightly. I stopped, and waited for her breathing to become deep and slow again.[/QUOTE]No guy is going to use a titilated sentence to describe an early morning breeze on nipples. Also, you don't sense each rib, you feel them if you are touching them. You tried to go a little too poetic.

[QUOTE]I went to the foot of the bed. Very carefully, I clipped first one and then the other padded metal shackle around her ankles, padlocking them shut. I clipped the chains onto the metal frame. This left her with just a little movement, but no more than an inch each leg, I reckoned. I’d spent a lot of time choosing that bed: there isn’t a single edge I can’t clip, lock or tie something just how I want.

The legs were easy. I had to be more careful with the wrists. I couldn’t risk waking her. Very, very carefully, I moved the top one slightly to one side; waited; I watched her face hard. She turned her head to the other side, a little frown appearing briefly, and shuffled her hips into the bed a little more. But she stayed asleep.[/QOUTE] Couldn't or didn't want to?

Quote:

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I gently, gently locked the shackles on her wrists, and clipped the chains to the same point on the wrought-iron bed-head. This lifted them very slightly off the mattress. I was sure that now, she would be starting to surface. I hoped she was having a nice erotic fantasy. I imagined her pussy swelling and getting wet and glistening. I went back to the foot of the bed to look. Oh yes. She may still have been asleep, but her dreams were working overtime.

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Very, very and gently, gently and every sentence starting with "I". Everything being so passive - I locked, I hoped, I went. Give me some action. Give me "Going to", "locking the", "Hoping", etc. Give me some action. Give it to me now.

Quote:

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She shifted slightly, pulling on her arms a little. OK. It was time I moved. I wanted it to be me who woke her; I didn’t want her to come awake of her own. I stepped quickly back to the side of the bed, and started to stroke her with the whip. Each of its soft leather fronds tickled gently across her: her exposed neck her soft breasts, her flat belly; her spread thighs… outside… then in…

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Is it a whip or a fern?

Quote:

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She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.

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Finally some action. This is finally happening now. Unfortunately, her eyes "they showed" they weren't "showing" or "flashing".

Quote:

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“What the fu-?”

I just gave her my best mean, mean smile and ran the whip over that luscious quivering body again. What a way to start the day.

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Get rid of just and stop repeating yourself. "Very, very", "gently, gently", Mean, mean". None of that works.

The biggest bitch about this breakfast scene is that it is far to passive. The other is that there is a sophomoric streak that you have fallen into. You can avoid by simply choosing your words better. A "mean, mean" look is not remotely interesting. Give me something more here. I would have given her and evil "you're about to get fucked hard" look.

A good story - but not how a guy would tell it, especially the "whip fronds". Those are fucking lashes, bitch! And I was about to raise some welts on her well-used pussy. Yeah, she was going to scream. She was going to scream loud.

I am gonna give you something - a re-write of one paragraph.

Quote:

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She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger.

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Moaning, she stretched, eyelids flickering and heavy with sleep. This was the moment I wanted. Were she awake, the sound of the whip cutting through the air would have excited her. She did not hear it. Instead, her peaceful sleep was abruptly brought to an end as the lashes found her damp pussy. She arched her body, fighting and tugging to flee from the sudden pain. Discovering that she was trapped, bound in her place of pain, her blue eyes flashed fear. A cloud of anger quickly replaced her fear when she recognized the face of her rude and painful awakening.


I am not trying to show you up and my re-write may not be great. It was done rather hastily. The point I am trying to make with it is the immediacy a minor change can make. Bring the action to the here - make it happen instead of making it "happened". Certainly you cannot do this all the way through. It would come off very poorly. I think you get the drift, though.

Also, if you offer descriptions of the people involved it makes it more alive. You don't have to describe each feature of a person. But, if you include their descriptions in the actions it will bring it closer to home. Latching a cuff around a delicate wrist or the like can really bring it home.

The Beast has been poked - The Beast Has Spoken!

Oooh Beasty! Thank you so much. Mmmm, I feel like I've just been very thoroughly poked back...

This is excellent feedback, Dean. Humiliating and depressing, yes; but only because it is true!!

No, I'm not really humiliated and depressed - more, angry with myself. Such a short story, and so badly done! It's true, I do tend to write with a sort of calm passiveness. La-dee-dah.

I virtually never put descriptions of people in - actually, that's one where I do not see eye to eye with the general advice given. Why tell me what someone looks like, when I don't need to know? If you don't tell me, I can imagine what I want. If you tell me the bloke is blond and clean-cut - well, I'll go right off it, frankly. I like dark and smouldering. Unless I'm writing a story where the physical description matters to create a specific type (usually a longer story), to me, there is no point. Not above 'long hair' or perhaps 'brown eyes'. It seems to me actually to limit the reader's imagination, and to reduce their enjoyment. That's how it works on me, anyway - superfluous and often off-putting.

Also, some of your advice contradicts Ruby's. Well, specifically, the paragraph you rewrote. And this is one of the points I'd like to pick up for general discussion, where I mentioned I don't necessarily agree with Ruby: you have included knowledge of the other person's feelings. Ruby always says the narrator can't know what the other person is feeling, and wants 'I think' or 'I reckon' or 'I imagine' or whatever added in. It's a real shame Ruby can't be around too much at the moment, I'd love to get her in this discussion.

Why? One can absolutely read people's emotions in their faces. One can absolutely know that someone is frightened, angry, etc. Body language and expression are important communication methods.

And anyway, I am God, as a writer. Even if I'm writing first-person, it is my person. And if I want him to know, why shouldn't he? Is that omniscience disallowed in first person, automatically?

On the style comments Dean - you are right. I am simply guilty of lazy writing. No, not simply, or not entirely - but I repeat words too often without looking for the right word. (Well - actually, yes I do! It's a middle-aged female thing - vocabulary somehow begins to elude us...). I shall try to be more succinct; more active; more action oriented; and use more adjectives.

I'm glad it's a short piece. Next re-write due!

Thank you, very, very much for putting the effort in. I really do appreciate a good shredding.

I don't think the paragraph I rewrote contradicts Ruby telling you that the narrator can't know the emotions of the other person. The re-write illustrated the use of her appearance - the look she gave - which is easily interpereted.

I agree with you about descriptions of people to a degree. They should not be, for the most part, completely ignored. Also, certain descriptions, even vague ones, can lend to the character and make the reader feel closer to them.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cariad

'I woke at dawn' and 'I was awoken at dawn' to me have two very different meanings. The first suggests the natural waking which happens when one has had enough sleep, the second is the other waking when you find that someone has tied you to the bed and is very obviously enjoying himself so much that he rudely distrubs your sleep.

As for the simply I also like that. It adds an emotional element to the observation of her perfection. Without that it could sound clinical. Mind you, he is a man, so perhaps it should be removed. *ducks*

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I like every word cariad said - she AGREES with me! hah!

But I take Dean's point about 'woken', not that he actually explained it (hah! again), but I realise it is passive not active. I should say the sun and the birds woke me, if I'm going to stick with active. I might still leave it in, though, if I can sufficient activity going on everywhere else - after all, it is a slow surfacing, not an abrupt awakening. Passive can be right.

If that's not what you meant, Dean - well, I've checked the dics, it is perfectly valid linguistically (alternative past participle, other form 'waked'). Maybe it's a UK versus US English thing?

Yeah, it's fine according to the rules of hoyle. Then again, "irregardless" is in the dictionary too. It doesn't make it sound any better when it's used.

Oh dear. I have been known to use it.

Mr. Dean,

Thank you so much for hopping in with your excellent comments.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by H Dean

I am gonna give you something - a re-write of one paragraph.

Moaning, she stretched, eyelids flickering and heavy with sleep. This was the moment I wanted. Were she awake, the sound of the whip cutting through the air would have excited her. She did not hear it. Instead, her peaceful sleep was abruptly brought to an end as the lashes found her damp pussy. She arched her body, fighting and tugging to flee from the sudden pain. Discovering that she was trapped, bound in her place of pain, her blue eyes flashed fear. A cloud of anger quickly replaced her fear when she recognized the face of her rude and painful awakening.

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Moptop and all,

I'll take that re-write and make a few changes to make the action "active tense".

Moaning, she stretched, eyelids flickering and heavy with sleep. I wanted this moment. Were she awake, the sound of the whip cutting through the air would have excited her.

*** Okay, he knows her, and can make this statement. ***

She did not hear it.

*** Really? Are we in her head? How do we know she didn't hear it? I'd delete that line. ***

Instead, her peaceful sleep abruptly ended as the lashes found her damp pussy. She arched her body, fighting and tugging to flee from the sudden pain. Discovering that she was trapped, bound in her place of pain, her blue eyes flashed fear. A cloud of anger quickly replaced her fear when she recognized the face of her rude and painful awakening.

*** If someone is writing from the first person, I want them to show me through her actions instead of telling me what she is feeling without any "proof". Consequently, there is some action missing. Eyes flashing and fear and cloud of anger, while being easy to proclaim, haven't been justified by any actions. ***

Moptop wrote:

Quote:

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Also, some of your advice contradicts Ruby's. Well, specifically, the paragraph you rewrote. And this is one of the points I'd like to pick up for general discussion, where I mentioned I don't necessarily agree with Ruby: you have included knowledge of the other person's feelings. Ruby always says the narrator can't know what the other person is feeling, and wants 'I think' or 'I reckon' or 'I imagine' or whatever added in. It's a real shame Ruby can't be around too much at the moment, I'd love to get her in this discussion.

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In my opinion, unless the first person storyteller has supernatural powers then stating another character's feelings, without that character doing so or letting the reader know how the narrator knew, is bending and breaking the rules of a first person story.

In Moptop's story, it would break the action to say something like, "I later discovered that she was furious with me, she told me so at breakfast." Ack. If she's furious, let her actions and words show it.

"Untie me this minute you son-of-a-bitch", she yelled. She kicked her legs and yanked on the chains, barraging me with a litany of cuss words.

is going to give me the reader and the narrator a huge tip-off that she's pissed.

Just yelling a cuss word, with "flashing eyes" that can be easily misinterpreted, doesn't give enough clues. Heck, she could be a pain slut who loves to cuss and get whipped. She could be someone screaming, "no!" on the outside, but pushing her hips forward and yelling "yes" on the inside.

Moptop wrote:

Quote:

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Why? One can absolutely read people's emotions in their faces. One can absolutely know that someone is frightened, angry, etc. Body language and expression are important communication methods.

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Yes, they often can know and thus your task when writing in the first person is to "show us" how they know. Give us enough action, that when you decide to tell what she's feeling, it's been backed up by good description.

From the original draft: "She moaned, stretched, her eyelids flickered. This was exactly the moment. I brought the whip down hard, really hard, right onto her stretched, wet pussy lips. She leapt awake yelling, her body arching as she tried to pull away and found she was trapped head and foot. As she pulled and wriggled, the chains rattling, her eyes opened suddenly and very wide. They showed she was frightened for a moment, then, recognising me and the situation, they immediately sparked with anger."

Before I read that last line, I want to "see" what the storyteller saw. What happened that clued him into the change from fright to anger? Did her eyebrows raise and then fall? Was her mouth in a large "O", then the lips suddenly tightened or raised to reveal gritted teeth? Did she purse her lips and tilt her chin? Did she glare at him?

Moptop wrote:

Quote:

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And anyway, I am God, as a writer. Even if I'm writing first-person, it is my person. And if I want him to know, why shouldn't he? Is that omniscience disallowed in first person, automatically?

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Moptop, you are the goddess of your story. If you want your storyteller to know something, he can know it. And he can also be a better storyteller by letting us in on how he knew.

In my opinion, "omniscience" is disallowed in the first person story, unless the storyteller has been granted the powers of "omniscience" in a manner that is believable and acceptable to the readers.

Moptop wrote:

Quote:

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On the style comments Dean - you are right. I am simply guilty of lazy writing. No, not simply, or not entirely - but I repeat words too often without looking for the right word. (Well - actually, yes I do! It's a middle-aged female thing - vocabulary somehow begins to elude us...). I shall try to be more succinct; more active; more action oriented; and use more adjectives.

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That's a great challenge you've given yourself.

Moptop wrote:

Quote:

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I'm glad it's a short piece. Next re-write due!

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Good luck, Moptop!

Thank you, Ruby, I'm really glad you were able to find time to reply to this. What you say makes a lot of sense. I do need to be more descriptive. Damn - as well as more succinct; more active; more action oriented; and using more adjectives!

Lordy Lordy. This may take a little time...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moptop

Thank you, Ruby, I'm really glad you were able to find time to reply to this.

Thank you for your patience.

What you say makes a lot of sense. I do need to be more descriptive. Damn - as well as more succinct; more active; more action oriented; and using more adjectives!

Lordy Lordy. This may take a little time...

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You can do it!

Meanwhile, are you enjoying writing in the first person?

Oh, yes - I like writing in the first person. Not all the time, but it is fun to do it sometimes. I do find it hard to try to be a man - it is a very useful exercise; and especially useful to get the odd grunt back from some of the men!

Ah, Ruby, you are so correct in so much of what you say. Your corrections to what I offered were very sound.

*** If someone is writing from the first person, I want them to show me through her actions instead of telling me what she is feeling without any "proof". Consequently, there is some action missing. Eyes flashing and fear and cloud of anger, while being easy to proclaim, haven't been justified by any actions. ***

That, more than anything else is a perfect explanation of what first person narrative should be. It is something I failed at in my re-write.