Does your family know?

Well, in anticipation of meeting someone off the internet I've been thinking about the basic safety procedure one would follow in this instance - primarily letting someone know what you're doing, where, when you'll be back, and possibly incorporating a safe call into that. Telling a friend is for some reason a more daunting prospect than telling my mum, hence I've been wondering how many of you have a parent, sibling or other close relative who knows about your interest in BDSM (supposedly without too much detail about what you actually get up to lol). How did you go about raising the topic? How did they take it? What was your reason for telling them?

Alternatively, if you have kept this aspect of your life private from family members, what have been your reasons for doing that? I think I view this kind of discussion the same as I'd view one where you'd be coming out as anything other than heterosexual since it's just a matter of sexuality really, and there's nothing to be ashamed of although it may seem taboo. Or is the idea of me telling my mum actually quite abnormal as far as it goes?

Experiences, thoughts and opinions all welcome. Thanks :-)

I haven't told any of my family my interests in BDSM, much because of how you said you view this "coming out". It much like revealing yourself to be anything other than heterosexual and my family has always had "issues" with my rather skewed view of normal. They are pretty much set in their views, and I know (from past experience) that anything that puts me out of their view of normal alters how they view me. They are still accepting, but it's much more a grudging acceptance than anything else.

On another note, my best friend/pseudo-sister, does know about my interest in BDSM and about my current activity with the lifestyle. We've always been incredibly close, and not a week after I admitted to myself that being a submissive was the only way I could see myself interacting in a relationship, she knew as well. She could tell I was struggling with accepting a big change in my life and wouldn't leave me alone until I told her. She has been nothing but accepting of me and my choices.

I think broaching this subject with anyone (friend, family, etc.) is more on a person-by-person basis. You know your family and friends better than anyone else, so I really think you should trust your own judgement in divulging your interests to them. Ideally we could all keep what goes on behind bedroom doors to ourselves, but BDSM is much more than simple bedroom antics, so I do understand your desire to tell someone, simply for safety purposes.

Hope that helped!

A third party saftey call, doesnt have to know what your doing, as far as they are conserned you could be simpley sitting holding hands the whole time or maby you are having vanila sex , eaither way it doesnt matter...what does is that they know where you are and who your with and when your expected to call and or be at what time etc.

If your making up reasons or attempting to justify coming out about your kink as a way to try and force yourself to tell your famiely members about what you do in the bedroom you have other issues at work. This kind of "coming out compulsion" is a normal enough phenomenon, but not nessesary to make the saftey call system work.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by denuseri

A third party saftey call, doesnt have to know what your doing, as far as they are conserned you could be simpley sitting holding hands the whole time or maby you are having vanila sex , eaither way it doesnt matter...what does is that they know where you are and who your with and when your expected to call and or be at what time etc.

---

Yes I can respect that, I just also think it's an even extra safety measure if the so-called third party knows all the details instead of only half the story. Not essential of course, but the more a trusted third party can know about your situation the better IMHO.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by denuseri

If your making up reasons or attempting to justify coming out about your kink as a way to try and force yourself to tell your famiely members about what you do in the bedroom you have other issues at work.

---

As the title of this thread suggests, I am interested in knowing how other people have (or haven't) broached the topic of BDSM with their family. In no way do I have to justify coming out to my family and neither do I have to force myself - it's my choice if I tell them but I'm hardly obliged to. I am just curious to know how common it is that people have explained their lifestyle to family members and any issues that might surround that. Thus all the questions posed in my initial post still stand guys :-)

Thanks for your post karley, I enjoyed hearing about your own personal experience.

I told my sister about my interest and involvement in bdsm. My sister and I have always been close, and while I wasn't sure of her reaction, I knew that she'd be supportive. I sat down with her one day and just sort of blurted the whole thing out. One I'd started talking, I didn't really stop, though I refrained from sharing many details. She was just as supportive as I knew she'd be.

That said, I don't think I'd tell any other members of my family.

No my family does not know nor would I tell them, they don't need to know and really they would not understand any of this. There are some things that family simply does not ever need to know and this is one of those things, I love them, I care about them, I would do anything for them but in this it really is not any of their business.

hmm Im both sides here.. a telling one and one to be told......I kind of... told my mum about it... actually she told me that her new lover was into the scene and seemed a bit confused so i showed her a few helpful sites so she could inform herself. i have never and will never tell her any details. It is enough that she knows about my interest... I do know that she tends to talk overly much about all the experiences she has made since.. partly because she always tells me more than I ever wanted to hear and partly because some of her friends needed someone to talk to as she also told them more than they ever wanted to hear...

I don't see any reason my family or friends for that matter need to know the details of my private life.

I hope no one in my family knows. That said, I always thought my mom was into this sorta stuff. In the same way I think most people are in some general sense. Perhaps this is ethically wrong, but recently I was reading over some of her erotica books I stumbled upon, and nothing in there seemed to resemble anything remotely kinky. Oh well. But no, I don't think so. I don't tell my family because it's not important, and something many people are into but don't express explicitly because that's rather faux pas.

Some of my close friends know about my kinky side, especially if they are into such things or at least curious about them. I would never tell my family, as even being bisexual would be considered weird (and bad). My intimate life is none of their business.

My biological family, no. My actual family- it depends. I consider my partner to be part of my family, and obviously he is well aware. ;) I do have some friends that know, and some that have also asked for pointers on some of the "less vanilla" aspects of their own relationships. I'm sort of an odd duck anyway, so this is just one more aspect of me being a little different. Most of my close friends are- unsurprised.

Umm...quite honestly H's parents know that something is going on..by definition they'd have to but they've never really made much of a big deal of it. To be honest, H's mother feels that I'm a nicer person now and has told me she is happier now that we (as in me, H & T) all seem to be getting on. She has hinted that she knows the precise dynamics of my situation but I think accepts it as she very much approves of T.

I think she, H's mother, views T's relationship with H was a reward for H & T dealing with my stupidity and pain and stuff like that and the effort they had to put it. H's father is quite quiet anyway and doesn't seem to express many views about anything.

Again, T's parents are pretty much in the same boat by all standards. They are not stupid by any means and I think they're happy to see T happy and settled and in a stable and loving relationship with H. To be honest though, T's mother is a very bright woman and very perceptive. I suspect she is aware of far more of the dynamics of my, H & T's relationship. I base this idea on the way she treats me in comparison to both H & T.

She does view them as the 'couple' and me as a kind of 'project' that both H & T undertook to save me from myself so to speak. Thus T's mother is a bit quicker to point out if I'm failing in any way yet she still is very approachable.

My mother has long since passed away and my father is very reserved in his 'speeches' so I've no idea as to his precise knowledge.

Some close friends, I would definitely say two or three, know what is going on but choose to accept it as I've been a 'work in progress' for ages now.

Sorry to go on for so long, but hope that helps.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ami_r90

Well, in anticipation of meeting someone off the internet I've been thinking about the basic safety procedure one would follow in this instance - primarily letting someone know what you're doing, where, when you'll be back, and possibly incorporating a safe call into that. Telling a friend is for some reason a more daunting prospect than telling my mum,

---

I think most poeple would feel otherwise! But as Denu says, you don't have to go into the whole story just to arrange a safe call. Just tell the person that you're meeting a date you don't know much about, and you just want to be careful. If it's your mum, she'll probably admire your good sense.

Quote:

---

hence I've been wondering how many of you have a parent, sibling or other close relative who knows about your interest in BDSM (supposedly without too much detail about what you actually get up to lol). How did you go about raising the topic? How did they take it? What was your reason for telling them?

---

I'd never normally tell my family things like that, simply because what I do for sex is none of their business. I did keep my parents informed when I went into a poly marriage, because they needed to know what the new people in my life were. (It turned out that they'd managed to not hear anything I said and go on thinking we were a couple with two friends living with us, but you can't force people to hear what they don't want to.)

But when I married my late wife, an ex-girlfriend spread trouble around in several places, including outing me to my younger sister, who was seriously shocked at the whole idea. It took a lot of long very carefully written letters to convince her that there was no harm in it and she could just try to forget it.

I started talking to my sister about all this as soon as I started getting interested in it. So she has been on this ride with me from day one. I tell her a lot, yet leave out the really personal details that I feel may be a bit much for her to handle.

My entire family is aware that I am into all this, and let me advise that if you are going to tell them at all a little detail can go a long way! They all know I am involved in a kinky lifestyle and that I am the s part of a D/s relationship. (I think it would have been easier for them to understand me as a Dom) I didn't go into too much detail because I thought it made them uncomfortable. Turns out for the first two years they thought I was going to swinger parties! I had to sit them down and explain just what this lifestyle it about. They were much happier after that, and a lot more understanding of my choice.

Thanks for letting me know you thought I was doing half of Austin mom! LOL

When I was meeting my boy for the first time I made him tell someone where he was going and why. I set up a meeting in a public place, and he simply told a friend that he was going to meet someone he met online and where we were meeting at. In the event that something happened to him at least people would know where to start looking. There are video cameras everywhere and that helps with safety. I highly recommend meeting in a public place the first few times.

I had little problem telling my family I was bisexual, because I needed to be able to tell them, "This is who I choose to love" and for them to meet that person. But tell them of my involvement in BDSM? No way. They wouldn't understand, and I don't need them to.

When I first sparked an interest in this, I asked my mom if she had ever done it lol I tell her everything. I didn't sugar coat anything. I just came right out and said it. I figure regardless of what I do, she loves me unconditionally. Since bringing it up to her, this has been an open topic. For the most part, I'm pretty open about my lifestyle choice. And I love it being that way! By talking openly about it, I found out my sister is a Domme... it was awesome to have someone that close to me understand exactly where I was coming from :)

All my family and work colleagues know. It was a great relief when I was finally able to be open and honest about things.

The last person I had to 'inform' was my father quite recently. He's fairly old and lives quite a distance away but he's coming to my 'fetish friendly' wedding in a few weeks so had to 'warn' him about the attire and possible action of some of the guests. He was fine as long as he doesn't have to join in.

All my work colleagues who are attending the wedding can't wait and are hoping that many of the guests will dress up

I've quite recently switched to r/l relationships myself and I hate keeping secrets and lying to those close to me. So I started telling some of my close friends, my room mate and best friend handled it incredibly well, so too my brother, who used to be in the lifestyle himself.

I really love my new life and I do not see it as something to be ashamed of or immoral. This is who I was meant to be my whole life, I'm happy for the first time, and that's exactly what I told another close friend of mine who has now completely removed himself from my life. I sincerely had no idea how intensely it hurt to be rejected for no other reason than being who you are.

During term break I visited my parents and I subtly tested the waters with them. They are very devout Christians, and very loving parents, but I'm afraid I came to the realisation that if ever they were to find out about my lifestyle that I would be condemned and cut off, if not exorcised.

This made me very sad and even drove me to consider abandoning the lifestyle. Though, be that as it may, my family finding out would be the worst possible thing that could happen.

I hope you guys don't mind me jumping in here. :)

There's no way i could tell my parents, ever. Both my parents are raging feminists, beyond the equal pay, get out of the kitchen attitude. Both my mom and dad would go on long rants when I was growing up about how women were more intelligent and therefore superior. Does it surprise anyone here that both my sister and i have submissive predilections?

My sister is very mild, she likes light bondage and spanking and after she confessed that to me I told her about my interest in BDSM. however I did -not- tell her what I get up to, so as far as she knows I'm into the tame things she likes. so she knows about it but not much.

All of J's friends and his mom (his only living relative) know about it. but they have been very accepting. He told them as soon as he met me "this is how it is with Cat and i" and they were totally fine with it.

So in short, my parents and extended family will never know, other than my sister, and friends well, either they accept this is part of who we are or they stop hanging out with us. They know that and as it stands, we haven't lost a friend yet :)

I think my mom knows. I don't know how the hell she found out though.

We were in Big Lots! one day and we passed by the books that were on sale. I LOVE reading so I had to stop and see if I wanted to buy any. There was a novel called Bound I think with a woman tied up on the front. Next thing I know my mom says, "Oh look, bondage! You should like that." Now I was shocked and I didn't know how she found out and my mom is by no means stupid. I do live with her during holidays so it is hard to hide things from her. I just looked at her and said. "I don't want to hear that from you." And walked away. I'm sort of jealous of her though because she has corsets....as in multiple ones. I have no clue what she does with them and I honestly do want to know.

But to be honest I think she might be into bondage just a little, or at least kinky sex. My cellphone died and she gave me her old blackberry. I saw pictures of her that sort of make me think of her differently. There are somethings you never want to see your mother...the person who birthed you....in and a fishnet bodysuit is one of them. But I digress. I shall NEVER tell her what I am up to.

My cousin however is another story. We tell each other everything. I told her when I found out that I was like this. I think she's okay with it but she's not really into men. She's kind of freaked out by them I think. And since she's a year younger than me and we do art together we tend to tell each other things we find out about sex. I think she's okay with me being into bdsm which I like. I'm happy that she accepts me like this.

Why just today I choose to tell my step mom, forever insuring that anytime we're alone at my dad's house will be awkward silence and odd looks.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Stylo_Tenkah

Why just today I choose to tell my step mom, forever insuring that anytime we're alone at my dad's house will be awkward silence and odd looks.

---

LOL Brilliant! I know who I'm telling next!

But as far as my real mother goes...I would probably tell her on the answering machine just to make her mad.
Then I would tell my adult daughter...minimum details please....who would say "damn mom! ur a Freak! Niiiiice"

No, my family doesn't know. I don't think I'll tell them either. I'm sure my Master will at some point, but will make it sound like a joke. He thinks teasing my mom is the best sport ever. They get along well anyway though. From the time when she took us shopping for spermicide and he picks it up and looks at it. Then he announces in a loud voice so my mom and the whole store can hear "Darn, it's not flavored!" And my mom still likes him. I have an odd family.

On a need-to-know basis, my family is *not* among the needy. Over the years I have done enough to alienate them, and given that I get along with them reasonably well at the moment, I'm quite content to leave it that way. We are in a generational transition now, with the passing of parents, land transfers, and different ones plotting and scheming, that to put something like this in front of them would just derail an already rickety train.

Never mind the other things about us that are, well, different...

Don

I don't know if I necessarily kept it a secret from my family, mostly they were just too wrapped up in their own lives to really care what I was doing so it never came up. A lot of them
know now, mostly because situations came up where I had to either let them think I was getting the shit kicked out of me by my boyfriend or tell them the truth.

About the only people I actually told were my best friends because the four of them are the closest thing to family that I have. It just came out in the course of normal conversation. I had a problem with cutting when I was younger so they get a little worried when they see cuts and bruises on me.

I have to agree with denu about the safety call though. If you don't want to explain exactly what you're doing, just tell them you're meeting someone from the Internet, tell them where you're going, and ask them to call. You really don't need to tell anyone what's happening, it's only your business what you do.

I did tell my mother point-blank a few years back. She knew while I was growing up that I was into shows like The Perils of Penelope Pitstop and that I liked bondage games with some of my friends, but I felt she was in denial about the fact that it was an integral part of my sexuality. The tough thing is that she was very understanding about many things such as my gradual disillusionment with religion, and she told me at many points that if I turned out to be gay, that was perfectly fine. As I see it, coming out is viewed as rather "heroic" as it pertains to LGBTQ identity, so I figured the same thing ought to apply to interest in BDSM. I even tried making that argument to my mother when she reacted very negatively. She responded that she would rather that I be gay than into BDSM, and (I think as a little bit of a last-ditch effort to regain normalcy) even asked me if this was just an extremely roundabout way for me to be coming out as gay.

Several years later, it's definitely a bell I can't unring. I don't think that she will ever accept it as normal. I don't entirely know why I felt I had to tell her -- it might've just been because I felt she had pooh-poohed it growing up and I wanted her to stop denying it. The point is, though, I don't need her approval anymore. I've kept my romantic life much more separate from her in general, so she really doesn't need to know about that stuff. (Though I do admit I occasionally get a little kick out of making her feel awkward by mentioning it...)

As for my father, I might have brought it up once or twice around him and never really got much of a response out of him. It's been very awkward for me to talk with him about sex in general, so after a while I gave up any illusions about some big coming-out.

At this point I feel that coming out, whether related to being gay or into BDSM or a furry, is just overrated, especially to one's parents. They generally shouldn't be exposed to their children's sex lives at all, and no adult should feel any obligation to tell them. More likely than not, they won't understand the way you want them too anyway.

sadly yes :( and my mother and sister have been stiring me up about it ever since they found out. however even tho they laugh about it and call me a slut and slave etc and told me im a "sick fuck" ( in a kidding kidda way) my mum doesnt really mind she will always love me and be there for me, but if i was a good at lying then theres no blinking way they would know lol

I think I will probably never tell my parents or family. However, I have told two of my friends and they were both very accepting and supportive. The first friend told me that all she has ever wanted was for me to be happy and if this makes me happy then she is happy for me. I don't really talk about it much but I did tell her when I decided to make it a lifestyle rather than play. Eventually, I will have a collaring ceremony and I want her to be there. We've always been so close that I couldn't not tell her because I wanted her on this journey with me, the way things have always been between us. With that said, other than a couple of friends and my therapist, no one knows and I am just fine with that.

My family knows. I never intended on telling them, but one day my dad saw my bruises and it was all downhill from there. They are not supportive, and they think my interest has faded. It obviously hasn't, but I'm not going to tell them otherwise.

My best friend is kinky. Neither of us knew about eachother until one of us made a refernce that we both understood. It's great to know that she supports me in everything that I do.

From a Male perspective;
Nobody really wants to know what is done behind closed doors. We all have little snippets of what we want to think others do and / or don't do. Guys talk just as much as girls about sexual prowess and practices but, to know all about our deep set kinks and perversions is TMI. The overall opinion of this thread is Don't tell. I have to agree. What may be trust based today can quickly turn to Spite based fuel down the road. Whether light or dark fetishes, hard or soft bondage, fantasies should be held close to the vest (or corset) as it fits. Be safe. have fun. enjoy the I know something you don't know aspect of your life.
If you confide in a third party for safe call purposes; be generic in the who, what, when, where, and why as a safety net for yourself. If they think it is a vanilla thing; whats the harm. Just an opinion...

My brother knows.. One day his ex started telling me about how she bought a ball gag so that I wouldn't be able to hear when they were having sex. To which I said "The gag you've got isn't very effective. Next time you might try XYZ." which led to a discusion about all thinks kinky.
I've never come out and said "Hey guess wha; I'm into BDSM." but I'm sure most of my co-workers have figured it out just from things that have been said.

No, nuhuh, no way, nope, nay and a nice Afrikaans word: Nee!!

And looooong may it last.

Although I must say: there is something in my younger brother and his (new) fiances' relationship that rings little bells in my head, little clues. *grins*

But still, its got nothing to do with the family.

I am a long time divorced woman, my daughter (adult) know about my fondness for BDSM

They know we like to play and think we dabble in light stuff. They really have No idea. :)

I tell my close friends n my sister know what I like by didn't say any word. but I cant tell my parents at all.

No one knows outside of me and the guy I'm with. Honestly mostly because I think they wouldn't understand and/or would call it abuse - and I know my mom would think I'm a freak.

For some people I guess their BDSM leanings is quite separate from their sexual life. For me however, the desire to sub is erotic. Since I would never talk to my family about my sex life in any other aspect, I certainly wouldn't talk about this. It's none of their business and I'm sure they wouldn't want to know anyway.