A Question For The Submissives

Hi all. I've been involved in BDSM for about a dozen years now and for about half of them I have also mentored new dominants. When I mentor, I generally like to have an experienced submissive with me to help me demonstrate technique and the like.

Now I know what I like in a submissive who is helping me out, but my question for the submissives of this forum is: What do you think makes a good submissive mentoring partner? What qualities do you think she should possess and in what measure?

I'm interested in the perspective of submissives on this question because I've never had such a big pool of folks to ask and like I said, I already know what my perspective is.;)

Dear Aesop, interesting question! I hope you get some interesting perspectives from folks around here.
Your pool gets even bigger if you write ‘she or he’. ;)

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Originally Posted by Ranai

Dear Aesop, interesting question! I hope you get some interesting perspectives from folks around here.
Your pool gets even bigger if you write ‘she or he’. ;)

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Thanks for that Ranai. I have a habit of writing gender pronouns singularly. I do want input from men as well as women. :cool:

:cool: bump:cool:

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Originally Posted by Aesop

Now I know what I like in a submissive who is helping me out, but my question for the submissives of this forum is: What do you think makes a good submissive mentoring partner? What qualities do you think she should possess and in what measure?

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Hi Aesop,

Care to share your own opinion on these questions?

As for me, I can't answer this one.
Not a classic submissive and couldn't imagine a pet mentoring program. :-)

Ruby

Actually no, I don't care to share my opinion right now. I am looking for un-biased answers to this question, not for someone to agree or disagree with whatever I've said.

I just can't figure out what a submissive mentoring partner is. I understand how doms sometimes have other doms as mentors, but could a sub need another sub to help them learn how to be submissive? Maybe you could expand on your question a bit?

That I will gladly do.

When I am mentoring a new dominant using a submissive parnter her role is to help me teach the new dominant, not to teach a new submissive. She -and I say she and her because that's my preference and I really hate doing the he/she thing all the time, I don't do it to exlude the guys - is there to help me demonstrate technique and to participate in supervised scenes with the new dominant. Over the years I have worked with several different submissive partners while mentoring. As such, I have developed opinions on what kind of qualities I prefer in the submissive I have with me when mentoring a new dominant. I am interested in knowing what the other submissives in the community think would be good qualities to have if they were placed in the position of partnering with a dominant to help mentor someone.

Aha... I see now. I haven't been in a similar situation, but I would think that it would take a special kind of submissive to help you in that task. They would have to be completely confident and self-assured in order to participate in a scene knowing that they were being watched as an 'example.' If they were to participate in a scene with the new dom, they'd have to be patient and forgiving enough to understand that he might be a little awkward or seem insensitive, while he's just learning.
My mistress has fine-tuned her skills on me, and they are always developing... but I would be a little hesitant to be topped by someone who has never done it before. I guess the sub you have with you would have to ultimately trust you more than anyone else, since you are the mentoring dom and supervising the scene.

Originally posted by Aesop:

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When I am mentoring a new dominant using a submissive parnter her role is to help me teach the new dominant, not to teach a new submissive.

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Originally Posted by csr

If they were to participate in a scene with the new dom, they'd have to be patient and forgiving enough to understand that he might be a little awkward or seem insensitive, while he's just learning.

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Somehow, I got lost in the transition or was it translation? Double cheese on my pizza? Sure...and a scoop of vanilla ice cream, too.

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Somehow, I got lost in the transition or was it translation? Double cheese on my pizza? Sure...and a scoop of vanilla ice cream, too.

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Um . . .what?

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Originally Posted by Aesop

Um . . .what?

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Lol... as long as you know what I was saying.

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Originally Posted by csr

Lol... as long as you know what I was saying.

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I understood you csr. Great answer by the way.

I think that the sub that you have helping you should have selfconfidence becauseof the fact that they will usually be watched during a scene and I also think that they should be dependable because of the fact that you do training sessions with the Doms that you mentor. and I also think that they should be some what experienced in the lifestyle because if you want to try something new they might not be so hesitant to do it.... here is an example of what I mean by that let's just say that you were teaching a new Dom the very basics of knife play and you had a sub who is still some what new to the lifestyle helping you out they may hesitate about letting you demonstrate on them so it would be a wasted session due to you not being able to show the Dom what you wanted to show them.

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here is an example of what I mean by that let's just say that you were teaching a new Dom the very basics of knife play and you had a sub who is still some what new to the lifestyle helping you out they may hesitate about letting you demonstrate on them so it would be a wasted session due to you not being able to show the Dom what you wanted to show them.

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AHA! Now there is the rub, from my point of view. Just a thought here.......

But, in your attempt to "teach" the new Dom, wouldn't a novice sub be more ideal? That way, as she were performing, and a glitch arose, you would then be able to better teach the Dom on how to handle the practical problems that always seem to arise...ie: training/ conditioning the sub to respond in the manner YOU prescribe.

After all, having any D/s relationship, takes much work on both parts, to self train/condition and train/assist the other into their respective role.

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AHA! Now there is the rub, from my point of view. Just a thought here.......

But, in your attempt to "teach" the new Dom, wouldn't a novice sub be more ideal? That way, as she were performing, and a glitch arose, you would then be able to better teach the Dom on how to handle the practical problems that always seem to arise...ie: training/ conditioning the sub to respond in the manner YOU prescribe.

After all, having any D/s relationship, takes much work on both parts, to self train/condition and train/assist the other into their respective role.

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A wonderful point Katmandu, but I like to use an experienced submissive to teach whatever it is I'm teaching so that the new dominant can see or experience how it is supposed to go. While demonstrating I put in the appropriate cautions. Like - If you leave these clamps on too long, this can happen or - she might react badly to x, so try y if that happens- and of course the all inclusive- Everyone is different so go slow your first time. Using a novice would be more realistic for the new dom, but it also could be emotionally or physically damaging to a novice submissive who may not want to safeword for pride's sake. The closest I come to using a novice is when I have trained in couples - myself and my submissive with a newbie couple- but even there I try to keep it simple and easy so I and the new dom don't overwhelm the novice submissive.

Thanks for the great responses folks. Keep 'em coming.:)

Well of course the submissive should know the meaning of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. She should also have (as you just mentioned) safewords in place, and use them if needed. She, imho, should also be able to throw in any of those pointers that you may forget being as you are the Dom. Not saying you would forget!!:eek: But just in case things got a little....fun....and you forgot, for instance to ask her frequently, if she is okay....she could maybe remind you? :rolleyes:

Just a newbies thought on the subject! Lord knows I had to learn what I know from an experienced Dom, and am grateful that he was kind and compassionate. Although I had picked up a few tips from here and there! ;)

~ltp~

i can only think of one word - trusst - to me, it would be imperative that the Dom trusted the sub He was using - no matter if she was experienced or novice or whatever. likewise, i would not agree to assist a Dom that i did not trust completely

I think a willingness to communicate openly. To confirm to the possibly horrified but thrilled new Dom that she is ‘enjoying’ herself and what she is feeling. To give input as required into safety issues and aftercare.

Ideally to be able to talk about how what is common to most subs and how she is non typical, and how other subs might feel and respond.

She needs to feel confident enough in herself not to be shaken by the novice Dom’s possibly insensitive reactions, but sensitive enough to be able to encourage him.

cariad

I think that the sub that you have helping you should have self-confidence because of the fact that they will usually be watched during a scene and I also think that they should be dependable because of the fact that you do training sessions with the Doms that you mentor. I also think that they should be some what experienced in the lifestyle because if you want to try something new they might not be so hesitant to do it.... There has to be open honest communication, and a great deal of trust established. There needs to be a direct way to let the Dom know that they may need something or just some assurance, well in the hands of the new person. I do not think the sub should be left alone in the hands of the new Dom at all for any reason.

This sub might have a lot of self-respect and self-confidents but they need to feel safe in order to keep these levels. This could be a very trying time for a sub, helping others can give you a warm fuzzy feeling one that you never wish to let go of, but at the same time you could get hurt. The sub gains more confidents as she is used more for helping others, but the experienced Dom needs to make sure the sub is okay at all times, and that she does not gain to much head space from helping others in this form. There is an equal balance that needs to stay here and communication is the key, as it is to all things in life.

Just my 3 cents

I've seen some fine points taken on this and as Orchid said
trust in anything is a key element and paramount to
making things work on both sides of the coin.

I've always believed that D/s has to be a melding of both
heart and mind. That willingness by both parties to take
pride in their given roles and do so because they believe
in each other and the bond they share between them.

Sometimes I think of it it terms of a submissive climbing
a mountain, they do so because they want to reach
its highest peak.

To overcome obstacles blocking their path on their journey
to reach that ultimate pinacle that with someone else
may have always been just beyond reach.

Most importantly knowing that should they slip along the way
they always have you there to catch them before they fall.

I like the way you think Scorpio'sWill2Power! That was a beautiful description of a D/s relationship!:)

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Originally Posted by learningtopleez

I like the way you think Scorpio'sWill2Power! That was a beautiful description of a D/s relationship!:)

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I agree entirely, Scorpio.

Scorpio'sWill2Power,

Very well said. It's very apparent you gave this a lot of serious thought.

Trust is imperative, without trust i don't think a good sub can develop a good sense of self. With trust all the other qualities that a good sumissive should posses will follow, provided the Dominant is patient and shows compassion.

frankee

Proud sub of Mistress Cindy :rose:

Excellent answers and i will mimic the trust characteristic ... i think it vital to this kind of arrangement. i also think that she should be able to have a cool head and good communication skills to relay how she is feeling emotionally and physically to the new Dom. She should also have patience.

When i was shopping for a new guitar several years ago, and had to be careful not to overplay due to an injury, the owner of one shop helped me out by playing the same pieces multiple times on many different instruments. I eventually chose my guitar (which i love) with my eyes closed.

my point is that i think it might be helpful for a novice Dom to see the same scene unfold with subs of varying levels of experience, so that he might better understand that each of us brings something unique to the table :)

What an interesting way to look at it, elyse!

I was my Master's #1, and he took on a sub with very little experience, but a lot of desire...and he asked me to mentor her...I think the number one thing to remember is that we mentor...in effect "Teach", by example...I knew my Master's desires, his preferences, and what he would and would not allow...as it turned out, the trainee was a whiner, and an attention whore....and I was pleased that I was able to find that out for him before he presented her with his collar...Karen

i have never been in this situation though i can certainly see the appeal from both sides, i think.

i would say that your submissive helper would need to be poised and confident enough to act as she would were you her Master, in order for the new Dom to get a true sense of what it would be like. She would need to have full trust in you in that you would be able to completely control not only yourself in the given situation but also another, and a newbie at that. Patience and understanding would be big. And i think it would be important for her to be able to speak eloquently, with well thought out answers, be good at descriptions and describing her feelings so that she could clarify what she was experiencing at any time.

i am sure there is much more but those things are the first that spring to my mind.

respectfully,
orchid

oh look at that, i already answered this once
lol
funny how ones opinion can change over time...or with more thought

Coming from the other end as an inexperienced Dom, and who would be more likely to be overly sensitive than insensitive ("OMG didn't that HURT?"), I'd definitely want both Dom and sub helping to train me to be experienced, and experienced with each other.

The Dom and sub would each have to know each other's current limits. And if I were the Dom being trained, I'd want to know that was the case. That way I'd feel free to try what I thought was right, secure in the knowledge that one or both of my mentors would push me further when necessary, stop me if I went too far.