If there was one thing you could say to a new sub

[jinx]

What would it be? What would you say, as a sub or Dom/me, to someone who was completely new to the lifestyle?

[just_ine]

Oh dear... only one thing? That is difficult.

If it is someone brand new I would say: slow right down and learn by reading widely (not stories... real people teaching or writing about real situations. And if you don't enjoy reading, then educate yourself in another way.)

I have other things to say too. But this is at the top of my list.

[jules]

Just_ine took my top one... take your time and learn. Do not jump into anything with the first seemingly "nice" person you meet. Talk, ask questions, read (not porn stories) and most important LISTEN.

One of the best things i was told when i first started learning and it is something i have always tried to live by -
There is no ONE way, no ONE answer, no ONE opinion. Listen to as many as you can and see what works for you, and eventually you and your partner. Be open and non judgemental. You will learn the most that way.

[Kuve {Sett}]

Safety First, Kink Second

[fierykitty]

Go slowly, learn about yourself and your wants and needs. Learn about the lifestyle from as many sources as possible. Be aware that in the beginning especially you may have a very strong pull to experience as much as possible as quickly as possible, but slow down....it's a journey, not a race.

[jinx]

I'm with fireykitty myself. First rule should be ... Know Yourself. Know why you want to be submissive and why it means something to you. Not just that it's exciting and sexy, but what it really means and why. If you're submitting form a stable place inside yourself, you'll be better able to deal with any problems that come up, and less likely to fall into dangerous traps along the way.

[chipmunk_]

I agree with every bit of the advice about going slow. However, that advice is so often not heeded by the new sub who's just so eager to experience. I know that I consider myself to be a very sensible and cautious person, but i don't think that i always was when i was taking my first steps into this lifestyle.

Since a brand new sub might not take heed and go slow, i'd suggest another bit of advice:

Build a strong support network. Connect with other subs, especially if you can find some that are willing to mentor you a bit. Try to find a trusted friend or family member that you can share with. Have people that you can ask questions as they arise, friends that will support you when you inevitably hit a bump in the road, and someone who will bring ice cream -- no questions asked -- at 2am (even if it's just a virtual pint of mint chocolate chip). Believe me, it will help.

[fierykitty]

I agree with every bit of the advice about going slow. However, that advice is so often not heeded by the new sub who's just so eager to experience. I know that I consider myself to be a very sensible and cautious person, but i don't think that i always was when i was taking my first steps into this lifestyle.

Since a brand new sub might not take heed and go slow, i'd suggest another bit of advice:

Build a strong support network. Connect with other subs, especially if you can find some that are willing to mentor you a bit. Try to find a trusted friend or family member that you can share with. Have people that you can ask questions as they arise, friends that will support you when you inevitably hit a bump in the road, and someone who will bring ice cream -- no questions asked -- at 2am (even if it's just a virtual pint of mint chocolate chip). Believe me, it will help.

So very true chipmunk. Great advice.

[dave]

The one thing I always say to a newbie is do not "fall in love" right away. And don't reveal personal information: full name, address, phone number, etc. Keep private information private and proceed very carefully. If some day you should decide to meet someone, follow the guidelines listed in the forums or talk to an experienced, knowledgeable person like denuseri. Chat can be addictive and its easy to do something stupid unless you follow certain rules no matter what.
dave

[cookiecat]

Treat online as you would your real life interactions. We talk about sex, bdsm, kink and we use the shield of a computer to say things we might not say to someone face to face. Which is really pretty fun! But be careful...

Online is pretty powerful and as dave said, addictive. I remember meeting someone online here years ago and we were chatting in IM when his wife jumped in and asked who the heck I was!? I didn't know he was married but within a week or so, was talking to him about really really intimate things. I will say I did meet my first Dominant here from the bdsmlibrary and it was a wonderful experience. I was really lucky. We took our time getting to know each other and I felt really ready when we finally met.

Be careful. Be smart.

[Lozzy_Girl]

Learn everything you can before engaging in anything, and learn from several different places.

[TheDeSade]

You are in charge. You always have the right to say stop and no. Just be sure that the other person understands that as well.