Dommely talk

[briansmine]

I know I'm sort of just jumping right in here, but I need to talk to some folks that have been there.

My question for the day:

As crazy as this sounds, does anyone get tired of being worshipped once in a while? That even though the sub is basically begging to kiss your feet and crawl through whatever tasks you give them, you'd really just rather go to bed?

I'm sure it does, but I hate the guilt that gets attached to it. The wounded look in brian's eyes when I shut him down, compounded by the silent cuddling/worship while I'm trying to sleep and my mumbled "geroff me" rejection yet again.

And his wounded "I can't believe you don't want me" is so exasperating. I want you, just not right now, be good and leave me alone.

Every once in a while we hit this roller coaster, yo-yo place and we're in one now. It's been a tough week.

Any thoughts on breaking the cycle?

[MajesticFae]

I'm giving a subs input here.

I think that happens in normal relationships too. I know there are times when I just don't want to cuddle or be touchy-feely and I want to be left alone. There are times when I know I can get too clingy and He can get the same way, but we deal with it as it comes along.

[Selash]

Yes. I know I can get clingy. But we just openening discuss that right now one of us needs time alone or something and we can avoid or at least lessen any hurt feelings. Good Ole Communication rides agian.

[briansmine]

Bad thing is, I think in retrospect he was wanting reassurance that he was still beloved. I tend to want more space when we're in "thinking" mode and he wants to know we're still top/bottom, mistress/slave, domme/sub.

So I feel like I failed him, but also annoyed that he feels so hurt and rejected.

*sigh*

thanks guys, I think I might maintain this thread for a while to spout off some thoughts.

[fantassy]

Perhaps there is something to the idea of "putting away" the sub until you want to take him out and play. Having him spend some closet time or sleep at the foot of the bed - thus dominating him, but giving yourself some space.

[_ID_]

is your need of space coming after a scene, or just in general? If its just in general, then the sub being chained to the end of the bed does have merit. If its after a scene, the needed after care for a sub to prevent sub-drop can take a day or two to get beyond, and thus cause his needed reassurance.

Hopefully you work through it, and get your rhythm again.

[His_pita]

As crazy as this sounds, does anyone get tired of being worshipped once in a while? That even though the sub is basically begging to kiss your feet and crawl through whatever tasks you give them, you'd really just rather go to bed?

I really don't mean any disrespect, but this so made me laugh. First, to be serious I don't worship anyone other than my God. Secondly, I have never once begged to kiss his feet or crawl anywhere. He has nasty toes and I have bad knees.

I think communication is the key and having a good understanding of the type of people you each are. My Sir can be really intense at times. Something about dominants that do that. Anyway, I have learned, and I do mean this little subbie had to learn, that it isn't always about me. Sometimes he is just in a lousy mood, tired, or busy and he needs me to not pester him or pout.

That goes both ways by the way. Sometimes I can get a bit crazy with stress, business, and that time of the month. He has learned not to take it personal and give me some space or that back rub I sometimes so badly need.

Talk to each other and be understanding and realistic.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I'm just guessing, really, because I don't know your situation. I consider myself needy, and people like me need constant reassurance that whatever your problem is, isn't me. Maybe when you're not in the mood and distant, he feels like he's failed you in some way. He just wants to make you feel better. If he can't make you feel better, what hope does he have of ever pleasing you? Sometimes, we just need to know that it's not our fault, and things will get better soon. I know when I'm under stress, I crave more attention while he seems to want less. This, of course, is frustrating. I think making him sleep on the floor or chained to the foot of the bed would give him a little something....you know....instead of just ignoring him completely.

[MajesticFae]

I really don't mean any disrespect, but this so made me laugh. First, to be serious I don't worship anyone other than my God. Secondly, I have never once begged to kiss his feet or crawl anywhere. He has nasty toes and I have bad knees.

Pita, you just made my day. That's so funny.

[Ozme52]

I know I'm sort of just jumping right in here, but I need to talk to some folks that have been there.

My question for the day:

As crazy as this sounds, does anyone get tired of being worshipped once in a while? That even though the sub is basically begging to kiss your feet and crawl through whatever tasks you give them, you'd really just rather go to bed?

I'm sure it does, but I hate the guilt that gets attached to it. The wounded look in brian's eyes when I shut him down, compounded by the silent cuddling/worship while I'm trying to sleep and my mumbled "geroff me" rejection yet again.

And his wounded "I can't believe you don't want me" is so exasperating. I want you, just not right now, be good and leave me alone.

Every once in a while we hit this roller coaster, yo-yo place and we're in one now. It's been a tough week.

Any thoughts on breaking the cycle?

I don't know if you want any sympathy... but I do feel for the fact that no one deigned to actually answer the first question.

Let's see, you got replies from four subs, and two doms (neither of whom really addressed your question.)

For me the answer is No. I don't tire of it. Maybe because I don't have a full time sub. I imagine it would depend a lot on the nature of my relationship with my sub, but I believe I would have, by that time, trained them to be confident enough in their own self-worth that they don't need constant reinforcement.

I can imagine that dom/mes who relish humiliating their subs, and subs who crave it, create a situation that thereafter requires that reinforcement. Perhaps it is time to alter how you play with your sub so that you don't have to ride that roller coaster with him.

I assume that if I was in such a mood, my sub would serve me by being attentive to that need... and available for when it passed.

Have you given any consideration to the possibility that he is topping you from the bottom? If he makes you feel guilty... you're not in control.

[briansmine]

Have you given any consideration to the possibility that he is topping you from the bottom? If he makes you feel guilty... you're not in control.

No, I don't want sympathy, particularly, just wondering if sometimes a dom(me) feels under pressure from all the worship, attention, "you're in charge"...the fabulous offers a servant makes us. And maybe some advice on how to deal with it.

On the outside, it sounds great. I have this wonderful man who would do anything, kill himself to make me happy, but sometimes, I just feel, I guess, happy enough with what I have and don't feel like asking for more.

Actually, yes, I accuse him of topping from the bottom at times. And if I ask him if he's trying to make me feel guilty, if that's what he wants, he'll get terribly defensive and say no, he just wants to help me learn.

Thing is, if he starts adding more and more onto what I've had in mind, I'm usually enjoying both his offer and what he's thought of. But then he'll get hit with his own guilt over having "put himself out there" and tell me I didn't "make it ok". And sometimes we get caught in an almost power struggle over how to proceed. Usually though, he goes further than I would have on my own.

He's come a long long way in how he perceives himself and his place in my life. And a long long way in being able to articulate them. Just sometimes I don't WANT a worm. I don't FEEL like a goddess.

And to answer his_PITA, he uses the words worship and goddess. And I put a LOT of pressure myself to feel worthy of that. He's an incredibly dominant man outside of our little alternate world. And I love him more than I could love anyone. And I realize the value of what he's offering.

And to answer Sir_G, we both have overdeveloped senses of guilt. And we both tell the other not to feel that way. I truly wish I could learn to ask for something and not feel guilty about it. I think I'm closer than he is and I've come along way towards being able to articulate what I want. I very truly wish that he'd stop feeling guilty about "being a pervert" because dammit, after 11 years, I'm not going anywhere.

Thanks for letting babble on.

EAB

[Sir_Russell]

The answer is yes I do. No one can be in control of another 24 7 365 and I don't think I would want a slave that expects that kind of attention.

morgan and I are in a realistic 24 7 relationship with a contract. That contract states the either of us can ask for a day off. The sub can not use that as a way around punishment.

I hope that makes sense to you but the others may be right about throwing him a bone, personally I would not want to disrespect my morgan by throwing her a bone, she is way to smart to be treated that way and not know what it really is. I told her tonight I need time since things are not moving the way they should in my life. She understands the seriousness of it and backed off instantly, that is the mark of a caring slave.

[Sir_G]

Interesting thread that raises interesting questions. I come from the school of thought that says no one can make you feel anything. In this instance you feel guilty because you think you haven't met his needs. In my opinion (and that's all it is) this is a choice you make. Just as his choice is to feel wounded and think perhaps you don't want his worship or whatever the trigger is for his choice.

In all my relationships I encourage my partners to take responsibility/own their feelings as I try to do for mine. And I have found more often than not the way they are feeling has nothing to do with what I may or may not have done and vice versa. I have also found that when we blame other people for our lousy moods it usually stems from a victim mentality.

Perspective also tends to become warped when we are feeling less than on top of things whatever the reason. And since I have adopted the technique of trying to see things from others points of view I find I am less likely to blame others for the way I feel, in turn it helps them to a place where they are empowered to do the same for themselves.

I'm not saying I'm perfect by any stretch of the imagination but I'm able to deal with negative emotions in a far more positive way than I ever was. This in turn helps me to be far more in control of situations than I ever have been. Communication is omnipotent when it comes to relationships. If you want any sort of relationship to work on any level communication is a must. Just my opinion for what it's worth.