Non-Erotic Fiction piece...feedback?

[ElectricBadger]

I have Begun the novel I've been turning over in my head for a while now, and after a dozen starts and stops I think I have an intro (the hardest part to write for me). I'm not too worried about technical stuff at this point; just wrote it, and I'll revise a lot as I go until I can get the voice I want. But does the feel and scenario work as an introduction? It's short, of course, but do you get any sense of the character or concept? Does it make you want to read more? While understanding the Plot hasn't been introduced yet (what she needs to be ready for won't be made clear until the last page, most likely), is there anything going on that leaves you confused or wanting more explanation?

Many thanks in advance,
-E.B.



Her small body huddled beneath the ragged, torn blanket, Elizabeth cried. The sobs echoed in the hall; despite its size she was the only girl here – all the others were at supper. Going without had been part of her punishment. It had been a cruel one, too: supper was the only meal served in the orphanage, and this was the third day in a row she’d been punished. Headmistress Constance had also added forty strokes of the cane this time, twice as many as yesterday, citing continued ill behavior.

I’m not ill behaved at all, though! Things simply seem to keep going wrong around me. Today it had been the ink. She’d been staring at it during penmanship instruction, unaware; the way one stares at something so intently it vanishes, and all that exists is the focus of the mind. And the glass had shattered, and the black liquid had flowed everywhere. It spattered on the floor like drops of dark blood, and stained her dress – although that had been no loss, as the poor fabric already had so many – and had ruined her page as she sat dumbfounded, quill in hand.

So now, her back burned and her stomach growled in dismay, and the tears came quickly to her eyes. She was alone in the huge room until the other girls came up to sleep, and she felt it in her soul.

A moment later, she was not alone.

This, too, the Headmistress used to beat her for, saying she was ranting about nightmares or making up stories. But beneath the covers, trembling with cold, and pain, and sorrow, and very much awake, she listened to the Shadow Thing breathe in the corner.

Elizabeth did not look from under the covers – she had learned not to do that any more. It would make her scream, and there would be more stripes. But she knew what she would see: within the shadow, in the deepest darkness, would be a blackness in the shape of a person. It came and went silently, never seeming to move: it only watched and waited for…something. Never had she found out what. There were stories of demons that would snatch away children in the night, and perhaps this was its goal, but if so it had passed up many chances. She’d never fallen asleep while it watched – the terror never allowed her that – but many times she had awoken to its slow, quiet breathing.

When the Shadow Thing came, she could only do as she did now: huddle deeper within her blanket and try to keep away the cold and terror. It would go away, eventually. Sometimes it took only a few minutes; others, until morning. But always, always the Shadow Thing would stay in the same corner, watching but doing nothing. That was the only comfort of her haunting.

Tonight, however, the unthinkable happened. It took a step. The footfall was light, almost tentative; as though the Shadow Thing itself weren’t certain what it could do now. But it was enough: it was coming for her, finally. She thought about running, but realized there was no where to go: the heavy oak door was barred from without, and the shuttered windows dropped a deadly five floors to ice and stone. The girls were kept here precisely because there was no way out. She thought to fight, for a moment, but that passed quickly; how does one fight a shadow, or a demon? For another moment she even thought to pray, but that too passed. She had never been one for religion.

All that remained was to huddle beneath the blanket and await her doom.

The footsteps continued, at first very slow but increasing. When they stopped next to her bed, they were almost a normal pace. Under the blanket the air grew colder and Elizabeth’s breath formed clouds when she exhaled. There was a muffled thump and the blanket jerked as something was dropped on the bed, and she gasped and whimpered.

It spoke. It had never done that before, either, but in her nightmares – her true nightmares, when she was sleeping – it was the sound of the rusted hinges on the attic door, or the screeching trains of wounded soldiers grinding to a halt across the road. It was different in reality, however; the voice was like a warm fire built with stolen coal, or the caress of a dead bird’s feather on her palm. It was as warm as the air was cold, and promised something she couldn’t understand, something marvelous and enticing – like the sweetest candies on a chemists shelf. Every word spoke of love, and something deeper, although that was much darker.

“You must not fear me. I have tried to give you time, to let you come to know me, but things are soon to begin and you must be ready; and my poor darling, only I am here to prepare you.” A heartbeat, and it – She? – was gone. The cold receded a little bit; only a little bit, for it was always cold here, and Elizabeth stopped her shivering and threw off the blanket.

On the edge of the bed the Shadow Thing had left an offering: a loaf of bread, good bread like she could never get, with nuts and raisins and cinnamon, if only she knew what cinnamon tasted like, and it was the most delicious meal she had ever eaten in her young life. She broke off chunks and stuffed them in her mouth, devouring it ravenously, and when it was gone she picked up every crumb and savored them until nothing at all remained.

She is kinder than the Headmistress. Perhaps – just perhaps – I could let go the fear a little bit.



P.S. - a later chapter is already in the library, under "Dark Fire." Sabine's name has changed to Elizabeth in this prequel, but it's the same character.

[Aussiegirl1]

Oh, I liked that very much! I was fearful for Elizabeth while the "shadow" came closer and now I am wondering what it is she needs to be ready for. I really got a feel for her nature and her condition in life. As an introduction, it really left me wanting more. You have created a real atmosphere, dark and a bit brooding, that really pulls you into the story. Well done and I look forward to hearing how it goes.

[ElectricBadger]

Thank you Aussie, I really appreciate the feedback! I'll be sure to post things here as I go

[Aussiegirl1]

Wonderful, will be looking forward to it mate.

[Widget]

very interesting indeed. I am also looking forward to seeing more of your story. It made me wonder what will come of the next time she sees the shadow thing, will she be less afraid? Will it help her? What other powers does she have if she broke the ink bottle while looking at it? hehe lots of questions.

[Alex Bragi]

Yes, a good and interesting piece for sure. Certainly, I'm looking forward to reading more.

You have want to know, if there anything going on that leaves you confused or wanting more explanation? Yes, there are a few odd lines. Now, I realise this more than you're looking, but I can't help myself, so I've also given a few other examples. Please bear in mind that much of this is just my opinion. Others may read your piece quite differently.

Her small body huddled beneath the ragged, torn blanket, Elizabeth cried.

This opening line confused me. To me, it reads too much like dialog. Maybe the second commas could be a period?

The sobs echoed in the hall; despite its size she was the only girl here – all the others were at supper.

This reads oddly to me, too, because of the punctuation. I realised what you meant after I had re-read it, but it made me stop and have to think for a moment, and that's exactly what can break a reader's feeling of suspended believe. (Now, that's just a fancy way of saying, it's not a smooth read) Also, people who know a whole lot more about writing than I do, always say, write your story then cull as many words as you can without losing any of the description or story. That is, less words to say the same thing, while not sacrificing any of the description or story impact, will give your work a tighter, smoother feel. "All the other girls were at supper tells me she was alone—you don't need to repeat the information. E.g. All the others were at supper. Her sobs echoed in the hall, despite its size.

Certainly, I'm no expert, but I found some of your punctuation a little odd. I've never actually seen colons used so much in story writing. Again, it could be just me. I found it distracting.

Headmistress Constance had also added forty strokes of the cane this time, twice as many as yesterday, citing continued ill behavior.

Please, don't fall into the trap of telling your readers things that your characters can tell so much better and clearer than you can. E.g. "It would seem that twenty strokes wasn’t enough for you yesterday, Elizabeth", Headmistress Constance told her, "Maybe forty today will cure your ill behaviour?"

.. her stomach growled in dismay..

This jarred me. Stomachs growl, but they don’t do it in dismay.

Elizabeth did not look from under the covers

There's absolutely nothing wrong with this line, but really isn't it just a missed opportunity to paint a poignant picture of this poor little waif?

…and the tears came quickly to her eyes.

Again nothing wrong here, but isn't it a good opportunity for a little description. i.e. Colour of her eyes? Thick heavy lashes?

.. as though the Shadow Thing itself weren’t certain what it could do now.

Again, this isn't a biggy at all, but it was jarring—the Shadow Things is singlar—"weren't" should be "wasn't".

When they stopped next to her bed, they were almost a normal pace.

This sentence reads back to front to me. Shouldn't the sound of footsteps come before they stop?

Now being super nit picky here, use a double hyphen for your punctuation, not a single.

Ok, like I said, it's a great start. You say you haven't yet introduced the plot, but I don't entirely agree. We know exactly who Elizabeth is and her circumstances. Already you have us, your readers, intrigued to know more; wondering what will happen and how, and that's an excellent start to any good story.

Basically, you've fed me just enough plot to make me hungry for more.

[ElectricBadger]

Thank you Alex, very good feedback -- and yes, my punctuation can be a bit quirky on first drafts because it's closer to how I think than how people speak.

Great to hear the points I can expand on...I do let a lot of those sneak by, and it was great to hear those suggestions. I felt a bit cramped trying to fit in more description, and you pointed out some good opportunities!

As far as the speaking from me v. characters, yeah, I can see that to a point; I do need to rework it to at least begin to personify the headmistress (who will have a small part in the beginning).

I will defend the "were" -- subjunctive pattern, rare but quirky. May be a case of needing common english rather than proper though, will have to ponder this a bit.

Thanks again for all the comments, I really appreciate your taking the time!

[moptop]

EB, this is great - I want to know more, about Elizabeth, her powers, her environment, her purpose... You have managed to get the interest of the reader precisely by not saying too much, not revealing and describing too much. Just as the atmosphere is dark, so the direction is hard to see and anticipate. Loved reading it, want to read more. Thank you.

And I'm sorry, Alex, but I disagree with just about every word you said! I won't go through it all in as much detail as you did (although I could...), but I think EB's style is quite poetic, and uses some quite advanced/literary language and turns of phrase, which would not necessarily be easy to follow for readers who are non-natural English language speakers, or anyone who is not used to reading that sort of language. Nevertheles, I totally defend her right to do it, and I enjoy it. See comment re weren't/wasn't.

Yes, though, I'm sure EB could cull - we could all always cull.

I would like to say

.. her stomach growled in dismay..

This jarred me. Stomachs growl, but they don’t do it in dismay.

Mine does! any sort of stress in a social situation (and ESPECIALLY a quiet room with lots of people!) my stomach starts having a loud conversation all on its own.

Various comments you made about opportunities to describe her - don't see why. There's time (if it's to be a novel, not a short story). I actually find that not being painted a specific picture allows me better to build up my own. What if I don't want her to have blue eyes?

"weren't" should be "wasn't".

No it shouldn't. It is a subjunctive. As in 'if I were you', rather than 'if I was you', although it is true that it is mostly lost now in day-to-day language. But I believe a writer has the right to use language to its fullest and richest - even if, sometimes, it might make the reader have to work harder. Reading doesn't always have to be a breeze.

Hope you don't mind me disagreeing. Even if I disagree, I think it's wonderful that you went to the trouble of going through the piece in such detail and feeding back. Agree or not, it shows great support and encouragement - keep it up, EB!

[Alex Bragi]

And I'm sorry, Alex, but I disagree with just about every word you said! I won't go through it all in as much detail as you did (although I could...), but I think EB's style is quite poetic, and uses some quite advanced/literary language and turns of phrase, which would not necessarily be easy to follow for readers who are non-natural English language speakers, or anyone who is not used to reading that sort of language.

Well, Moptop, quite obviously I'm just not used to such "advanced/literary language and turns of phrase", as you, am I? I'm just your average reader, and if I found parts of the piece read oddly, or I wanted more description or whatever, then it's possible that others may also. I reiterate, " Please bear in mind that much of this is just my opinion. Others may read your piece quite differently."

Electric Badger asked for feedback (opinions)—I gave mine.

" Weren't" should be "wasn't", yes, you're right. Electric Badger, I apologise for my mistake.