Dear oneseeker

You ask really good questions.
They aren't so easy to answer with a set list of instructions and as with many things in BDSM, a 'try this and maybe...' is going to be the best answer available.

I am a submissive and will write from that perspective. I do hope that some experienced Dominants have Pm'ed You, or that they will still reply here.

The first thing I'd like to say is that being so shy and reticent to talk about sex, could be at the very heart of the issue.
Clear, open, (brutally-)honest communication is one of the secrets to a good D/s interaction and relationship.
(I know from experience, that those things I want to hide from my Him, are the very things I need to communicate most clearly and honestly about.)

D/s is communication in super-HD.

So, to me, one solution would be to work around her shyness. Or address it head-on. I personally won't suggest the latter, but You would know better.

Suggestions on how to work around it would include:
1. Praise. Lots and lots of it. (Studies show that praising the results rather than the process, are counter-productive to better performance. Thus not: 'You were so hot when you allowed me to tie you up' but rather: 'it was beautiful that you allowed me to tie me up. It felt as if you were opening up to me.' Or something similar.)

2. Talk to her about Your own emotions, reactions and insecurities. Tell her how her actions and reactions, to eg being tied up, arouse You. How having her so needy of You alone, drives Your need for her even higher.
Women are often cast into the role of care-taker, but have a deep need to be taken care of.
Also, knowing her reticence to talk about it is making You feel insecure might just be the impetus she needs to start talking about her own insecurity.

3. Slowly. Baby-steps. Sometimes (what may look like) taking 2 steps back, is actually the start of 3 steps forward. So, if she doesn't like her feet tied up, don't think of it as a negative... Think of it as preparing for the '3 steps forward' that is to come.

4. Study her reactions during play times. She will probably have 'tells'. Little moans or movements that tell You that she is not only having fun, but becoming immersed in the activity....or close to cumming. You will need to know those... For later on in the journey, when her mouth might not be saying anything, but her body and mind is panting 'Yessssss!'.

5a. Have You considered a limits-list? Often married couples don't fill one out, because they are already in a long term relationship and have clear and open flow of communication. However, it is an excellent way of encouraging sharing in a non-judgemental, and non-pressured setting.

Ask her to fill one in an also fill one in Yourself. (A fun way to break down some shyness would be to do some research together and then filling in your feelings about it separately.) This can then be given to the other to read.
Writing might be easier for her than verbalising her hidden desires.

5b. Also, when thinking of kinky activities, start with those both of You marked as: 'yes please! More of that!) Do those for a while, until she seems comfortable and open.
Then perhaps add one which was indicated as: 'yes, but go a little slower'.

Don't do it yet... Tell her about it. Let her research or research with her. Then, do the 'yes please, more of that!'-activities, while telling her about what you are going to do next.
Still don't do it.
Keep on drawing her mind into it. She might start imagining, wondering and even fantasizing. Then, (if possible) let her verbalise those things, but while doing those things she enjoys and feel secure in.

Then one day, using the knowledge gleaned in 4, *do* what You had been promising her for a while now.

6. Never, ever rush after such a new experience. Lots of careful after-care, reassurances, cuddles and admiration.
Ask her whether she wants to try again. Accept her own doubts and discuss them. Also accept any criticism or suggestion she has.
Describe Your own feelings...reactions... That You felt like The Master of the Universe, for bing the one to be This close to her emotionally and physically etc.

This was a process I experienced personally, and it helped me to be able to express myself better.
Of course, that is no guarantee, but it might be just a guideline.
You will know Your beloved the best.


Just as an aside:
A Good Dom, is one who places His submissives interest above His own, but know her desires well.
Putting His desire above hers is just a type of interaction. Not the gold standard.

Some subs need tight control, others need to serve. Some have a deep need to please, others have a need to be 'taken down' and will fight submission, but desire being overpowered. There isn't a 'right way' to submit other than a mutually-consented one.
Don't let one (most-prevalent) type of D/s dynamic make You think it is the only or right way to 'do' D/s and anything less than that is inferior.

D/s allows You to be authentically 'You' and her to be the same, in a safe space.
Anything telling You differently is trying to mould You into something that isn't authentic.