Leave it to a self-proclaimed dom to butt in and state the obvious, but I just wanted to point out that not every D/S relationship need be a 24/7 deal with a 98%/2% sharing of the power. Things like slave contracts, collaring ceremonies, household chore assignments and whatnot are sort of standards that evolve in communities like this. They give a common vocabulary for everyone to use in discussions and allow for creating things like traditions and rites within the community. But not every relationship within the community needs to make use of all of those things. Not every D/S relationship needs to actively incorporate the D/S elements all day, every day. Not every distribution of power needs to get down to the level where one person always controls the money, always decides what to watch on TV and always gets the comfortable seat. If that's the sort of arrangement that is most healthy, enjoyable, and rewarding to you and the other person/s in the relationship, then by all means, go for it. But the transition from "vanilla" to "24/7 slavery" is not a cliff that you have to jump off. Those are just 2 ends of a spectrum, with an near-infinite number of tiny steps in between. It's up to every person to decide where the sweet spot is for them on that spectrum, and then presumably try to find one or more other people who want to hang out in that sweet spot with them. And also note that the sweet spot can change over time.

A D/S relationship is not really an alternative to a "normal" romantic relationship. It's just a very specific type of one. Some things are made easier by introducing a D/S structure. Some things are made more complicated -- like the question of "what happens when I'm not in the mood"? But all of the wisdom and best practices that can be used to build and maintain a good vanilla relationship apply to a good D/S relationship, too.

I had a very longtime girlfriend who 75% of the time wanted nothing more than to be my thrall. There is almost nothing I could have asked of her that she would not do. But the other 25% of the time, she wanted to interrupt the Red Sox game on TV to talk about the state of our relationship or might try to start an argument because I wasn't paying enough attention to her -- or any of the other silly things that you see on sitcoms about what it's like to be married. It worked out well because, truth be told, I hate balancing my own checkbook -- I sure as hell didn't want to end up in a relationship where I had to manage the finances for both of us and field daily questions from her like "Can I take out $100 to buy this pair of boots I just found?" A 24/7, 98%/2% D/S relationship would have stifled her and burned me out.

The things that are likely to stick in your mind as you participate in a community like this are the most extreme things. If you're going to get your introduction to BDSM in a place like this, it's just important to realize and remember that it's not necessary for everyone to live at the extreme end of the spectrum. For every person who has 6 live-in slaves who wear chastity devices 24/7 and have highly structured rules about when they're allowed to speak, there are probably 30 people who like to tie up their partner, fuck them in the ass and then apologize for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. No spot on that spectrum is inherently "better" than another. It's just about finding the right place for you. So if you're not sure that you'd be happy being actively submissive every day, don't be afraid to try being submissive for just one day.

As far as the original question goes, I'd say it depends mainly on why you submit and what you get out of it, as well as why you don't feel like submitting at the moment. If you don't feel like submitting because you're feeling particularly powerful due to a success at work or elsewhere in life and don't want to give up that feeling just yet, then I'd be inclined to say "Let's go have a vanilla dinner to celebrate and then maybe try some of that 'normal' sex when we get home. I'll even let you get on top." If you don't feel like submitting because you feel completely overwhelmed, unworthy, unattractive, or the like, then maybe a firm hand pushing you through that is exactly what you need.



Yeah, so my name is Cage and I'm a long-winded son of a bitch. I'd been on the road to recovery, but I apparently just fell off the wagon. Back to Step 1...