I did not mean to come across as judging anyone else. My post was mainly written with the eyes of 20/20 retrosopect. That is to say, I did BDSM with a married man who did not tell his wife about it.

It made perfect sense at the time. While I was somewhat nervous about it, he had very good reasons, or so it seemed to me, for not telling his wife about it. He also had, and still has, very good reasons for ending his relationship with his wife. The fact is, that marriage is held up by the fact that he will not be honest about who and what he is (and not just the BDSM parts, but some very core things about him) and by the fact that he's willing to be someone he's not in order to provide her with what he thinks she needs. He believes that deceiving her is the right thing to do because she would never be able to understand him otherwise, and that she would lose too much if he left her. There is also a child involved. There are a lot of good reasons for him to stay, but all of them are undermined by the fact that he's staying out of deceit. There's a lack of respect between them, on both sides, that makes my head spin. She thinks he is a child who cannot do anything without her input. He thinks she's a damsel in distress who would crumple at even the sight of the real world. They are profoundly unhappy.

When I realized that he was essentially removing her ability to make a choice by not telling her, that's when I broke it off. When I realized that he was using me to avoid making a choice of his own, that is, that he didn't have to leave her in order to have a place for his "true self", I realized that 1. we really weren't doing her any favours, and 2. if he couldn't be himself with her, he had to deal with either accepting that and staying away from outside places to get that part of himself met, or by not accepting it and leaving.

It was a very hard thing to do. I'm very, very picky about who I trust, and it's possible that I will never have another partner. This person is still a very good friend of mine, and I hope he finds happiness. But he will never find happiness as long as he continues to be bound by his own deceit. He may think it's for the good of all, and certainly, there are a lot of positive short-term results, but it's based on a profound disrespect, in the sense that he is essentially removing her ability to choose.

I also work with the developmentally disabled, and choice is a huge deal there. There are a lot of things they don't get to choose, depending on their legal status (i.e. whether they have a guardian or not) and the level of disability (in some cases, it's impossible to understand what they *do* want).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I apologize for sounding like I was preaching at everyone. I was trying to give answers that would help someone who was in a position that I was in before, but looking back, I realize that it would only have made me feel guilty and defensive at the time. Plus, in realizing that my stance is based on one experience, I now realize that it was unfair of me to assume that all such occurrences are like the one I was in. Honesty is really important to me. I would never be comfortable in a relationship where I had to lie about something like this. I would be tremendously hurt if I found out a partner of mine had not told me about their interest in something because they feared I would be judgemental. I would feel even more hurt if they got involved with another person (cyber or in real life) without telling me. Part of this is that I am, in general, a pretty accepting person, and if they had a fetish that I couldn't get into for some reason, I'd be okay with them finding someone else to do it with. I'd just want to know. But what I really don't understand is, if someone is lying to their spouse because they know or are afraid that the spouse wouldn't accept the BDSM: why would you stay with someone who can't accept that? If it's so important to get those needs fulfilled, if it's that deep of a need that it justifies going outside the marriage... why are you in the marriage in the first place? And if it *isn't* that big of a deal, if the partner *is* worth giving it up... then why haven't you given it up?

I'm not saying it's wrong this time (though it would be if it were me in any of the positions), I'm saying I honestly don't understand it. The two things I absolutely *need* in any relationship are these: acceptance for who I am (based on the fact that I've been able to tell the person everything), and complete and open honesty. Without these two things, the marriage would be nothing to me. So, I can't really understand why someone would want to be in a marriage where they weren't accepted and could not be honest. And I do think that by not telling them about something, you are not allowing them to choose whether *they* accept it or not, and thus whether *they* want to stay in the relationship or not. Making that kind of a choice for someone without their consent... seems very dubious to me.

Again, I don't know any of the particular situations people are involved in. I also know that when I was in the above relationship, and people said that the key for determining whether it was cheating or not was whether or not you could tell the spouse, I was very vehement that they did not understand our situation. As I said, there were very good reasons for him not telling her... but in the end, they weren't good enough for me because of the fact that by not giving her the information, he wasn't allowing her to make the choice. He was *assuming* she wouldn't accept, but that she wouldn't *really* be better off without him. It amazes me how easy it was for me to ignore the inherrent arrogance of that, how easy it was for me to be convinced that he was doing it because it was best for her, how easy it was for me to disrespect her. I am very glad I am not that person today. My goal in all of this is not to blame or condemn, but to show where I have been and the mistakes I have made. I come away from this situation in agreement with the idea that it's cheating if you can't tell the spouse. For me, that *is* the litmus test. Again, I don't know all the situations out there. I know the situation I was in had a greater than average share of "good" reasons for not telling the other person. There may be some where that percentage is higher. There may be relationships where honesty really isn't a core value and it's something else that makes the marriage worthwhile. I don't understand that and it makes me wary, but not understanding doesn't make it wrong. I can only judge my own relationships, and hope to give useful information to others.

*caveat: this doesn't apply to people who have already *said* they don't want to know. I don't understand those people either, but I do believe in taking people at their word, and if they say they don't want to know, then don't tell them.