E is for Education

[_ID_]

So a great thread on Domspace, thanks to all the contributors. I do hope we were able to add insight to those seeking more information.

This time we are going to discuss education in a BDSM context. If you are new to BDSM, thats great, tell us your goals, if you have 99 years in BDSM, thats outstanding, please tell us of your trek through the lifestyle. My goal to this education thread is to compile everyones educational resources, where they learned what they learned. Did you get your education from Dominants/submissives you dealt with? Perhaps you got your education strictly from books, perhaps you got it strictly online. Wherever you got your education, help us expand our resources.

There are a few obvious places to get education that I will start with.

For online:

Aesop's Tips For Beginners

Castle Realm

From the book store:

Different Loving by Author Gloria Brame

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns by Authors Philip Miller & Molly Devon

People are into BDSM for a wide range of reasons, many are into it because their particular fetish crosses roads with aspects of BDSM. Regardless of why you are interested in BDSM, or what level of education you have for BDSM. I would love to hear what you have learned, and where you got your education. What bad experiences you have had, and what good ones you have had.

I now turn this thread to you, please educate us!

V/R (very respectfully)

ID

[Havensov]

I can't believe that I'm the first to post here... hmm, oh well.

If you have read my intro page, then this will just be a recap for you.

I was raised by D/s parents, and for me that is where I got allot of my information to start. My parents are still wealths of knowledge if i have questions, I took what I learned from them and have expanded from that by talking with others, reading, and finding sites like this one (shameless plug, this site so far giving me more info on a larger verity then other sites i had found). I wouldn't say that i know more then my parents now, but i would go as far as i have go further in some areas then they have. My personal favorite book is the "Masters Manuel" I have found it very well written and with allot of straight forward advice.

I have taken it on myself to educate those that have come to me in what real and fiction when it comes to BDSM. This has been everything from telling them how it works or at least should,in my eyes work, as well as pointing them to sites like this for more info. I have also gone as far as to show people some of the harder things, flogging, bondage, and even some basic leather working.

But, i do have a mission, per say. I wish to see BDSM become more accepted, and not just in closed circles. I hope to one day be able to attend conventions around BDSM where political groups can't force hotels to cancel them from media pressure. I'm saying that i expect ever closed minded individual to want to be involved or even to say that they like it. i just want people to become more tolerant of other peoples desires. To me this is no different then freedom of religion. you may not agree with someone else religion, hell you may be opposed to it, but be tolerant of it and if you don't agree with it then just shut the ^&$% up and move on....

Sorry... But this to me falls under education, for everyone needs to be educated about this. But again, sorry for the rant.

[lily27]

Havensov, I find it fascinating that you learned from your parents. Most of us barely survived the "use a condom" conversation. I can't imagine having a conversation about kink with either of my parents. Don't get me wrong. I think your situation is great....if only we could all be so lucky to be surounded by such understanding people.

When I become interested in something, I usually want to learn as much about it, as soon as possible. I have done a lot of online reading, but haven't made it to any books yet (other than some erotica). But I think my most productive education has come from talking to other people.

That's why I love this place so much.

I would consider D/s to be a very experiential discipline. Yes, you can read books, but that is only one person's experiences, beliefs, and opinions. They are helpful...but not the be all and end all. I prefer to learn from as many people as possible.

I have learned a lot from both my current and previous Dom....each of them guiding me in areas they wanted me to expand in. I have also been fortunate enough to have other Domly friends who are kind enough to put up with my never-ending questions, and will from time to time plant new kinky ideas in my head.

And finally, my relationships with other subs have been invaluable. I can't put into words how much their support, understanding, and friendship means to me.

So that is how I like to learn. I know I am still at the beginning of what I hope to be a long and joyous journey. My goal is really to learn everything about everything (and that's about life, not D/s specific), and make my own opinions.

[Sir_G]

Initially my education in BDSM came from real life people who were involved in the local scene where I live. I had been interested in BDSM for a long time and a mutual friend of my wife and I had gotten involved with this particular group of people. We were both BDSM virgins at the time and unfortunately we were given a lot of eroneous information and "instruction" by people we were a little in awe of at the time. One thing led to another and we withdrew from the scene, very disillusioned and my wife basically swore off the whole BDSM thing. Whilst I was disillusioned I knew I needed it in my life.

This led to much angst and several times we came close to divorcing. Eventually I found this place (The Library) and have found it to be one of the premier forums on the net for learning about the lifestyle. In fact I have learnt more here than I ever expected to. I have made mistakes along the way as many of you can attest to but as I am fond of saying "my friends know me and like me anyway." And that in itself has been a big learning curve.

The BDSM lifestyle is very much a journey of self discovery no matter if you are a Dom or a sub and education is a big part of that. I think patience and persistence along that journey in relation to education is vital if you are to reach your true potential. The education process is as much a practical exercise as it is a book or internet exercise and there is no substitute for experience. Finding someone who is willing to let you learn of course is the key in that respect.

I have been blessed to have lily as my girl and she has taught me so much, she has the patience of a saint and the persistence of a terrier.

The bottom line for me is knowledge is power. I see education in whatever form for whatever reason as vital to achieving the freedom and expertise required to better fulfill our chosen role in the lifestyle.

[Timberwolf]

The education I've gained in this place is invaluable. I only wish I would have stumbled upon it sooner!

No better way to learn, than from one's peers.

[Havensov]

Lily... Just so everyone knows.. as open as my parents are, these conversations usual happened behind closed doors. It was not sitting around the dinning room table "So dad, i was flogging this sub the other day and her skin took on this interesting blue tinge....."

No no, dinner time conversations at my house were about other things, like, airborne contagious disease and there effects on the human body....

[_ID_]

Ok, so I let it go long enough for others to post their education... either all the people on the board are just shy, or haven't seen the thread yet.

My education began 7 years ago, I was in a rough marriage, and I had some pretty bad thoughts about what I wanted to do to the woman who is now my ex-wife. I began to search out erotica that was rough and violent. I came across some that was incredible, and it talked about the woman wanting what was happening, and talked about a Dominant man, and the submissive woman. I found this idea very appealing, and so began to do more research on it, and eventually found some websites that talked about meeting real people that were into it.

So I began to search for someone to meet, and while I did so, I found literature that wasn't erotica. I read about the dynamics of BDSM some, but nothing was as well written as the books roses or different loving. I met karin at one of those online BDSM websites, and after I met her, she sent me to some very good places to learn. It was after I met karin 5 years ago that my education in BDSM really began to accelerate. I went to my first much, went to my first Dominants meeting, went to my first play party. I learned how to use a flogger, how to use a cane, how to use a whip.... It was after I was able to do a couple of scenes with some very willing submissives who were able to give me advice on technique that I honed my particular way of doing things.

My education in BDSM has followed my path across the planet, I have enjoyed going to parties in the west, in the south, and in Europe. Seeing the different dynamics of the people, and how they perceive BDSM, and power exchange has helped me to shape my view on life, as well as the lifestyle.

V/R
ID

[usafmedic22]

So everyone knows by now that I'm super new to the lifestyle. I have been lurking around for a little while, hanging out in the chat some. I decided it's about time i get a little more active in the forums. And the A-Z immediately caught my interests.
Education is a huge topic for me. I am a sponge, always in seek of new information, in many cases regardless of the subject. And I've done the same with BDSM. I stumbled upon it reading erotic stories, and followed links around until I found this library. So far it's been my absolute best resource, mostly because of the human resources I've found here. My education therefore, will consist of multiple media and people. I am asking ?'s in the forums and in chat with others. Two books that I'm working my way through are SM 101 by Jay Wiseman and another that I've ordered but not yet received...something like Screw Roses, Send Me Thorns. So far, Jay Wiseman's book has been invaluable in helping me determine where I want to be, a submissive that is.
However, as of right now my head is spinning.....so much information, yet nothing is concrete. BDSM to me seems very individualized, and I have no idea where I truly fit in.
Thank you for all that have posted, in these education threads and others. Thank you to all those that have taken the time to welcome me and further my education.
I must say...this is the most fun I've ever had learning!!!
Take care all....

[pie_loves_pain]

As with medic, I am also very new to the scene. I've known about it for quite some time, but I'd never actually given it a thought as a lifestyle. I've always like to be dominated in bed, but I never thought that I would be able to carry it outside of the bedroom. I'm a very independant person sometimes, and I'm quite hard headed and stubborn to boot. Hey, I'm an Aries, what do you expect?!

I talked with a few people in my area who live the lifestyle, and I'd met a few of them in person and we were able to sit down and talk about it. I had a few questions that I just couldn't let go of, so I asked. And boy was I rewarded. Then it was time to bring this up to Reborn.

Now Reborn and I have been together for almost 2 years. We do carry out an internet relationship, seeing as how we live 3,000 miles apart right now. But that is going to change, soon. *grin* He's the most loving and understanding man that I know, and I knew that I could bring up the lifestyle to him, and he would consider it, even if it repulsed him.

We talked about it for a couple days, and he asked me "Are you sure this is what you want?" At this point, I had stumbled upon this forum, and I found a link on here that described myself and my personality to a T. I was so geeked. The name of the article was "The Healthy Submissive." I shared this with Reborn, and I explained to him that this is what I wanted. I'd spoken with a Domme and her sub and a Master and his Slave and many other people. I'm excited to have this lifestyle quickly approaching as a permanent thing... Even saying "yes, sir/no, sir" makes me incredibly happy, and I haven't exactly figured out why. It's also caused me to be more respectful in my daily life at work and around other people. Not saying that I wasn't respectful before, but you know what I mean... I hope.

Reborn and I still have many, many years together, and we've got so much to learn. I appreciate all of y'alls help in this, even with just posting to the other letters in the alphabet... Each little bit helps me to get a broader view and will help shape what it is that we want to get out of this relationship, this lifestyle. Thank you very much!

[Guest 91108]

I came to this board to learn more for an online friend as i've said before.
as for as the lifestyle.. i partook of it some with the wife and those before her ,... mostly light things. none really wanted more or would allow more for that matter. My desire for it grew less untill i came here and it was resparked by reading, participating and through the pleasure i saw from wife and my online Pet.
I'm glad i came here to learn more, and think things will only improve.
Being open regardless of what others tell you is the proper way or thier way..
is key to what you do and your happiness. Listen to others but Do as you and your partner require for that relationship.

[pie_loves_pain]

Honesty is always the best policy, and being open about how you feel about these things can be more rewarding than you may think. If I wasn't open and honest about how I felt about the lifestyle, then Reborn and myself wouldn't be heading down this path together!

[Anniegal8]

Hi... I am a newbie. How does the online BDSM work? Where can I find info about it.

Thanks for any help!

[Aussiegirl1]

Hi Anniegal8,

Well you have started in a good spot to learn! There is no simple way to answer how BDSM works online. The best advice I can give is to read posts on the topic and/or ask whatever questions you need to ask.

Good luck
Aussiegirl

[gagged_Louise]

Hi Anniegal8 - no, there's no simple recipe or rulebook for how to run an online BDSM relation, any more than there is a clear definiton of who's entitled to be called a Dom or a slave. If you take your time to read around it, to talk to people you get to know here (some of whom will no doubt turn you on) and to build up friendships with people you really trust, you'll have it coming to you and somewhere along the road you'll find things you'd like to do for your online Dominant, whether it's by talk or by offline tasks, by communicating on webcam or by doing scenes with him, by sharing your wishes and ideas or any other way.

hope to see you around,

Louise

[donriser]

Education has meant freedom for me in so many areas of my life. I'm hoping it will equate with freedom again as I explore this area. I survived much of the turbulent adolescent and young adult years calming myself with what I now understand was BDSM fantasies in which I submitted my desires, my choices, my body to the discipline and direction of another. I always felt like there was something wrong with me for that and worked so hard to put in away, but it felt like a need that I was depriving my very soul of. I don't really understand, and, thus, am likely not explaining myself well. I'm 37 now. Over the past several years, I have occasionally allowed myself the peaceful pleasure of such fantasies to calm me and help me sleep, again feeling as though surely something must be wrong with me and feeling guilty for allowing my mind to go there. This past year was particularly challenging and I allowed myself the pleasure many a night (and day). Not wanting to overwhelm with the details, a few weeks ago, my desire became too strong. As with so many areas of my life, I sought education about what I was thinking, my impulses, and my acting on those desires and impulses. My focus was to understand so that I could "fix" me and maybe not feel this way. Instead I'm beginning to understand that maybe I'm not a depraved person, that there are many who share in similar desires, thoughts, feelings, and actions. I still feel so confused in many ways. It's all fairly new to me. Even writing this is a bit overwhelming. But I feel as though I'm on an interesting journey and am unsure of what is ahead. I have looked at this site over the past couple of weeks, reading stories, and getting information. Today I decided to risk signing in. Now here I am. Maybe I will stay. I don't know what the future holds, but I feel as though I have more options about exploring what I want. Maybe I don't need fixing, just some fine tuning. Thanks for sharing the names of those books, I look forward to reading them. And thanks for sharing and giving me a chance to share.

[Sir_Russell]

Back to topic

I had figured out I was a Dom as a teen in high school with several girls learning about submission as a lark. I read "The Way of a Man with A Maid" first and then the "The Story of O". After that I winged it for a while till I found a group in Tampa that had meetings and munches.

Then I got lucky and a very experienced Dom saw me with 2 subs and introduced me to a very old order. I got the use of his library and friends advice and training.

I learned a lot at a time that this was difficult because of the attitudes of the country and my area, plus no internet back oh god close to 40 years ago.

I took from them those things that I agreed with and left what I wasn't ready for or didn't agree with. My subs have gained from my training and now I train and mentor.

[bip0lar]

At home, there were no taboos. I remember myself going to my mum at the age of 13 or 14 and asking her if i was a lesbian. Her reply was "well, you're young and still discovering yourself, it's much easier to feel comfortable with a body you already recognise than one totally different. You'll know in a few years for sure". Now, I grew up with boys around the house, either my brothers' friends or my mum's students, so I was never shy of them. I don't mean that I strut around the house naked, but I was never afraid of men or extremely shy around them. But my education started after my first crush. I mean, in the beginning all I could fantasise was rough rough sex--sometimes even forced. However, it never felt enough. It was like something was missing. Plus, let's face it, i felt horrible. (for those who haven't read my intro page) So 1st off, the internet, at first "illegally" and then "legally" became my first tutor. However, the first sites I visited were basically story sites with no forums or so to interact with others and learn from them. Then came chat rooms, where I just observed, and sometimes felt extremely pretentious when using capitals for Dominants and so on and so forth. What I hated was that everybody complied, not out of respect, but merely because it was the chat room's rule. When i started learning more about the Lifestyle, however, it made more sense to me, as bip0lar, because i found it suitable.
In the beginning it also felt wrong, the fact that people's perception of D/s relationships is that the sub is a doormat. Especially when we talk about a female sub, there's so many fanatic feminists who view it as wrong because "women gave their lives for female rights" and the such. I study politics. I have feminist tutors. More than enough of them. And i agree. Women are free to choose. So if it is my choice to be a sub, NOT a doormat, then i demand that they accept it. This ties up with the first post on the thread about BDSM being more accepted in society.
Even though I am not in a R/L relationship and never have been (neither in the Lifestyle or vanilla) I currently am in an O/L relationship where master has taught me and is still teaching me many things:
from my likes and dislikes, me limits and my strengths, my needs as a woman, my needs as a sub and my needs as a person. Master was the one who taught me that my appearance should not play that big a role in any relationship, or that it's OK to want to give up control, it doesn't make you a bad person... I remember we played a few days ago and it was after a serious discussion, I burst out crying in front of the computer, so after I got better and we kinda started playing, master asked me whether i wanted it to be slow, calm, "be on top" if you must. But (and that was the first time i actually said that) that was one of those moments were i MOST needed him to be in absolute control, and i told him so.
--i'm really sorry if i'm getting off topic--
Another thing that i would put under Education (even if it only means learning it by myself, educating my own self if you want) was that honesty really IS the key thing in any kind of relationship--let alone on the D/s level.

bip0lar

[GreyJack]

I suppose I was first exposed to BDSM through reading and magazines when I was 10 or 11, a very precocious reader. by the time I was 12 and 13, I'd made my way through de Sade, von Sacher-Masoch, and Krafft-Ebbing's Psychopathia Sexualis and the first magazines showing Bettie Page with ropes and whips and spanking. I was raised by grandparents (father's side) who were as American Victorian as you can imagine, themselves having been brought up in the Midwest and South. But having gone through the wild 1920s and Prohibtion, they loved to gamble and weekend trips to Las Vegas were more than frequent, so I was given some money and pretty much left to my own devices. Wandering into book stores and drugstores, souvenir stores and such that even back then sold such magazines to a kid who looked older than his years I suppose.

In the middle to later teens, I hung out with the Beat crowd in local coffee houses near Venice and L.A. and the beach towns. It was beatnik girls and women who first introduced me to BDSM in the flesh so to speak. They were pretty open about their kinks, many of them masochistic introverts and existentialist -- it's true the more intellectual, the more savvy and kinkier, at least back then. I whipped my first at age 15 or 16 (it's a lot of years ago now LOL). Since then, it's been relationships that are sometimes vanilla, sometimes BDSM, or combinations of. But I am constantly learning and educationing myself and sometimes sharing information and experience with others, from the practical to the philosophic. In the '70s, the general populace seemed to open up a bit more about kinks and alternative lifestyles, then a bit more in the '80s, so that by the late '80s those who on the surface might seem vanilla began (through chat rooms and r/l venues) to open up more about BDSM and fetishes, particularly women. At that time, I began writing erotica fiction and slightly later began writing about a wide variety of sexuality issues for a couple of websites -- it's exposed me to a really amazing range of people, from Gloria Brame who I've interviewed twice to looners (balloon fetishists), from GLBT folk to well...you name them, I've probably contacted them one way or another LOL. Ten plus years of it is a long time, these days...and the education continues and I hope will continue. This is a grand site and forum for information, the exchange of opinions and experiences, and friendly support. I applaud it highly.