i just wanted to say that i'm not from an abused back ground. My parents were and are loving, stable and supportive. We weren't rich, but my childhood was a delightful one and i never felt i wanted for anything, except when flares went out of fashion suddenly at my school, but i still had to wear mine for a bit while my mum took them in. The trauma.

My first ever memory is of watching cub scouts (who seemed like really big boys at the time) viciously hog-tie one of their friends. i remember i always adored the bondage scenes in Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo. And at 13 and a half, i saw a man dropped by an accidental kick to balls, which seemed ridiculous given the strength of the blow, until my best friend told me that it REALLY hurt if you got hit DOWN THERE. As soon as i could get to my bedroom i was smacking my cock and balls and i've been doing it/having it done ever since.

my one abusive experience had nothing to do with home or BDSM for that matter, it was caused by the horrible homophobic policies and atmosphere of the Uk in the late 80's which meant that young men like me were left entirely isolated and uneducated about gay sex. i put myself in a very dangerous situation and was raped - that's how i lost my virginity. It was not a bdsm thing, just "Vanilla" sex.

That man nearly broke me, but luckily i started a Dom/sub relationship about a year later with an older man with dungeon who not only taught me all about bdsm, helped me explore my fantasies and sexuality and taught me about my body and what it could do, but also started the healing process. i did wonder for while whether it was my fault that i was raped, and whether it was my sub/masochistic tendencies that put me in that situation, but that is rubbish. I was naive, isolated and more concerned about being outed than my own safety. He showed me - through our sm relationship - a route to being whole again.

i totally think it is my bdsm stuff that has helped me, because consent is so crucial, and by thinking carefully about those issues, i came to realise that i was not to blame for what had happened to me, and that there was no connection between what turned me on and a violent act perpertrated against me.

i do not play punishment scenes. i do not get hurt because i am bad, or deserve it or don't deserve love. i've had racial abuse and i've had homophobic abuse, and there are no similarities between that and what i do with my Master/Doms.

i do it cos it makes my cock hard - cos it makes His cock hard. Because the pain makes me burn with joy like a bright flame, because it affirms me and the fact that i am alive. i live to be told that i'm a "good boy" and for the moment He holds my tearstreaked face in His hands and tells me i'm beautiful and that He loves me. Because the pain is the conduit for His love.

i have single tail whip scars on my back from a scene in Sydney three years ago. It was one of the most elegant, loving and spiritual experiences of my life. It was like we were dancing together, like he was painting my back with feathers made of fire or silk razors. We could tell what the other was thinking and feeling. i wept for joy.

This is not abuse, is it?