Quote Originally Posted by ElectricBadger View Post
Welcome to the Forums, and thank you for sharing your work!

The first bit of feedback is to use a spell check: also watch your tenses "he wanted a mistress that will push..."

Secondly, my most frequently given advice: SHOW, don't tell. That is, use description, inference, and action to inform the reader, not simple explanation. "It was becoming hot and heavy" -- how? what were they doing that was hot? does heavy imply extreme -- how much so? Instead of "She was beautiful and exactly what he was looking for," say something like "The photos she sent, taken during her modelling career, showed a taut, lithe chocolate body that flexed like a gymnast; his collection of erotica held no more appeal for him, he'd found the body he'd spent years rifling through glossy pages for." It communicates the same thing -- but by giving the reader images and sensations to process on their own, thus bringing the reader into the story.

Finally, no texting shorthand..."u" and "ur" may be fine for a text message, but in writing it will force your reader to instantly dismiss you as unskilled, no matter your potential. If you want your reader to take your work seriously, you need to take it seriously first.

MMMMMmmm thanks alot.... I need all the help that i can get....