How Did You Get Into BDSM? Research Q/A?

[Lilly My Sweet]

Wow...should I share? I suppose it would be therapy to do so.

Well, I'm 27 and a first timer. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of fantasizing about being a POW soldier, and being tortured and beaten. Though I am female, I was always a male in the fantasy. At five years old, I relished in thoughts of the different methods used in my abuse though they were never sexual, as I was unaware of sex at the time.

Now jump 15 years. I became an exotic dancer, stripper, whatever you want to call it at the age of 20. I was going to college at the time and had an eviction notice hanging on my apartment door. I had lost my job and my parents told me to never call home for money (hehe nice how I put the blame on ol' mom and dad), I had no one to turn to. I felt I had no other choice.

I've been dancing for five years now, I took two years off for the sake of my boyfriend, now my ex, and to have my daughter. My overall experience as a dancer has been negative. Though I have never been a part of the darker side of the business, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't do drugs, and I have never had sex with a customer or sold out and did something that I really didn't want to do just because a 100 bill was waved in my face.

As a dancer, I have to be in total control 100% of the time with the men that I interact with at work. Restricting their hands in a playful manner so that they don't touch me, telling them what they can and cannot do, I run the show while I give a dance.

I'm not at all casual with sex, I've only had sex with 4 guys, 3 of them my boyfriends in my life, and to have strangers touch and push themselves up to me and try to lick my neck and face and paw frantically at my body and moan in my ear and expose themselves is just not me. I hate it. I was at work last night and about to give a guy a lap dance and the first things he did was put his hand down his pants, rub himself, then pull out his hand and attempted to touch me in between my legs with his smelly hand. Eww. The dances are nude by the way.

I cringe, grit my teeth when a customer touches me and I curse myself if I get goosebumps if they so happen upon a favorite spot. To flinch from a man's touch is my natural reaction, its what I do all night to keep my private parts, private. My vagina, my nipples, kisses to my neck or my legs and back are sacred, not something that I am willing to exchange for money.

Enter BDSM. Wow, to put total trust in a man, a man that I care for might I add, to bind me to touch and arouse me with total helplessness is mindblowingly stimulating to me. In what creative, dark ways will they receive pleasure from my body? I may struggle and flinch all that I want, but in vain. I want to experience pleasure and to be feasted upon and relished with abandon. Hell, I need to be tied up! Soft touches are too predictable, I want them to be contrasted with pain. I want to trust. I want to please. I want to receive. Alas, there is no significant other in my life...to have found these forums has been a blessing indeed. If physical expression cannot be given, I am thankful that it can be mentally done.