Quote Originally Posted by Austerus View Post
I've always considered a Hard Limit to be a deal breaker. It's a "don't do it, don't ask, if you bring it up you'd better be laughing and make it obvious it's a joke. If it ever changes it will be because I specifically chose to soften the limit. Till then don't touch."

Whereas a soft limit is "not into it, don't really want to do it. If you push at it a little the limit may harden to a hard limit or soften further...but don't push too hard and you'd better be careful with it."

The thing is that if a "hard limit" is meant to be pushed then there needs to be another category beyond "hard" limit to denote "no not ever." Personally, for me and so far for all those I have had relationships with, the granularity of Soft/Hard has been plenty.

Note that if you -don't- have some category of limit which is "no not ever" then effectively you're in a TPE relationship, and the sub has no right to set any boundaries. For my money that treads a little too close to abuse.
That's the problem with the language. Definitions that lie on a scalar continuum are fluid and mean different things to differnet people.

So rather than discuss things in terms of hard or soft limits, it's actually helpful to use an activities checklist like the one Sir Russell has provided... AND to update it on a regular basis so that changing interests and curiosities can be noted.

Fill one out yourself so you submissive can make similar observations and maybe even alter his/her own limits as they see what you have curiosity about... and where your fantasies lie.

And occassionally just go through the list and talk about the reasons behind those things that are limits. Some of them may disappear with a negotiated common definition.

I for example, had a hard limit against hard beatings until my submissive told me what she meant when she said she was curious.