I will let the grammar Nazi hit this one in her usual way. The most glaring mistake made here was the sudden changes of perspective. One moment it was written in past tense, then present, then past and the present.

There are some stylistic changes I would make. Some awkward sentences - some quite lengthy and some too short. I will get to hammering on that stuff in the higher levels. Overall, this was pretty good. Again, the main problem being the perspective changes.