From the desk of
Mr. Arbuthnot Squiffington-Smythe (with an ‘e’)
Teacher (With A Tawse)
Bachelor Of Naughtiness and Doctorate in Advanced General Excellence


Date as weltmark on messenger.


Dear Headmaster,

I have been giving some thought to the annual staff-student drama production for this year, and thought that you would be interested in progress so far.

I know that you were keen that, once again, we perform The Taming of The Shrew, and whilst I cannot deny that this has afforded considerable pleasure in years past (sometimes also to the audience), I do feel that after 8 years in a row, it is time to give this production a rest and seek a new challenge.

I have been considering other Shakespearian options, and in the light of my ground-breaking textual revisions, I conclude that there is certainly potential for a unique Slothlands interpretation of the great tragedies: Hamlet (‘To beat or not to beat?’), Macbeth (‘Is this a flogger that I see before me?’), Othello (with Des-the-moaner), Julius – Seize Her!, Romie ‘Oh!’d As July Ate and of course King Leer. We could even explore some of the lesser-known works, such as Tight As Andronicus and Tie’Em On of Athens. I regret that I have been unable to do anything with Coriolanus.

The comedies, too, are not devoid of promise. We could do The Extremely Satisfied Wives of Windsor, My Twelfth Tonight, All’s Well That Heals Well, Much Ado About Everyone, The Merchant of Venice (‘Give me justice and my bondage!’), The Two Gentlemen and Veronica, The Punishment of Errors, As I Like It, and that charming comedy about two teenage boys comparing manhoods, Measure for Measure. However, I must confess that cariad usually makes me think of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

We could of course break with tradition and do some Chekhov. I know how much you enjoyed the Festival we visited at my relatives’ house in Russia, where we were both excited to watch Uncle Vanya with Three Sisters.

In any case, I shall continue my search for a play that can truly uphold the fine traditions of this Academy. Oh, and do let me have my ReadyRub back when you are finished with it.

Buthy (without an ‘e’)