Master's father is a whole other issue, and i don't know where it stems from. The man is narsocistic, or however you spell it. He honestly believes that he is correct in all he does. God is even backing his every play...His way is the only way and no one is on a tall enough pedistal to match his. He's not lying when he says the awful things he says, he honestly believes it. All of it. He does't say things that he doesn't mean. He never says anything without having given it a huge amount of ponderance and consideration....not even out of anger.

He never had time for making sure that the kids brushed their teeth or turned in their homework. He never could be bothered with making sure the kids were disciplined, unless one of them said or did something in public that embarrassed him. He fought his own divorce with the sixth amendment argument...divorce would keep him from practicing his freedom of religion, since the Bible doesn't condone divorce for any other reason than adultery. When the judge laughed at that one, his next move was to call me (since i must have been the one to influence his wife into the divorce in the first place...you know, she's a woman...forget the fact that she was in her 50s and had been a nurse half her life...she could not have come up with that idea on her own, had to be the family jezebelle). When i answered the phone, he proceeded to try and blackmail me about everything that had happened with Master when he was little...talking about how he would bring it up in court. The judge would hear it and split us all up. He would have hated to see that happen, he'd stated, but his marriage (his wife/property) was being taken from him and he had to fight for it. i told him, "This all is now over." and hung up.

One person at a time, and one day-hour-minute-second-breath. Some days it's breath by breath for me...All we can do is be of support. We can't take the pain away, but if we face it, and deal with it and we have others around who will face it with us, then no one has to hurt alone. That's the worst.

i have a vivid memory of suffering alone...the one that i can never get past. The verbal jackass had just finished making me feel like a nothing yet again, flat out told me he had someone ready to suck him off at work, since i was so inept at it. He decided to visit said cocksucker after berating me for about 30 minutes with a lecture of how my fat got in the way of him seeing the pretty me...in great detail. Wonder why i wasn't much for oral??

[LOL i'm the complete opposite now in that respect...i love you, Master!]

The bastard had left and there i sat, tears rolling, sobbing...and here come my son, age 3. He put his hand on my knee and just stood there, stroking my head. After a bit, he asked, "Why you so sad, mommy?"

We all know that a three year old is too young to even begin to understand any answer that i could have given him, and i couldn't think of anything to say that he could have digested, so i just sat there and shook my head. i knew at that moment that even though i had my lil man no matter what...i was alone in this hell, and i had to keep him from being affected. i didn't want him to see me crying over it any more, that was totally wrong to do to a child...making him wonder why i cried so much and all. i had no one else to tell this to, my best friend was the bastard's sister-in-law. She knew that things were bad for me but had no idea what i was told behind closed doors....because the bastard had me convinced that talking bad about someone to their family was lower than low. Worse than a rat or a narc (he'd been in prison, therefore i was trained on how to keep my mouth shut about many things as well).

After he left me for good was when my best friend began to get me to open up and when i did i found out that this was typical of the bastard, and that his reason for going to prison wasn't just for rape, but that he'd been caught peeping in wondows at the local college and that his ex wife divorced him for raping her.

According to him, the prison term of 20 years (out for good behavior after 14) was because he was once caught with his bread truck at home for lunch, which was against company policy and the owner of the bread company was good friends with the sherriff, so they trumped up a bunch of stuff and got him sent to prison. Gawd i feel dumb writing and admitting to falling for this!
But i digress.........

i never ever want anyone to feel that way, like there's no place to go, no one to turn to. No one who can honestly hold their hand and tell them it's ok to say whatever you want, tell it all...and no one can hurt you any more for it.

xxxxx