Do you have to balance vanilla & non?

[IAN 2411]

I suppose at this stage of the game I should know what "non vanilla" is, but have never heard it referred to as chocolate. Although I do like to think that if most people are vanilla, I'm likely chocolate with cinnamon.

Anywho.....what I'm wondering is if there are other subs out there who find themselves balancing the two, in whatever form. Say you're in a relationship with someone who just doesn't "get it" and then you accidentally find yourself in cahoots with someone who totally and completely does.

I have noticed that all the posts are from the female subs and don’t think for one minute that I am a male chauvinist. But do you mean by “get it” he is not into BDSM and cannot Dom you, if it is then good god it is the crime of the century lets all leave our spouses.

Anyone? I'm in an impossible situation, and just wondering if anyone can relate.

What is impossible about the situation, it is no more different that millions of other married couples throughout the world go through, whether BDSM or vanilla.

I got myself into a mess, is all. But then, it's not like you can HELP who you fall in love with, IMO. I just happened to fall for a guy who was unavailable. I certainly wasn't going to stay single my whole life because I couldn't have the man I wanted. But now (10 years later) I'm thinking that way back then I should have voiced my feelings better, and made a claim of sorts. What good is it now for both of us to be with people we don't want to be with, but stay with because of our kids, and a sense of responsibility? (we are both the breadwinners, so to break up with our spouses would also mean putting them in really bad financial situations, and basically shirking our duties.)

*sigh*

I have never heard of it being called shirking your duties when breaking up a marriage because you both have the hot’s for each other, its morally wrong and desertion.

What if the person who is your soul mate can never be fully yours? How do you settle for what you have and be happy with it?

Where does all this soul mate crap come from? My daughter found her soul mate and she was going to marry him, he damn near killed her. She is now with a man that would die for her, talk about soul mates when you have been married thirty years.

FWIW, it goes way beyond the D/s issue. Part of why we have explored that is because we relate so well on every other level, that we were comfortable to go there in the first place. It's like peanut butter & chocolate.

It is either an o/l or r/l affair and it’s got damn all to do with peanut butter and chocolate.

Thanks, sorry I digressed and turned it into a shrink visit. To be honest, when I started the post, I simply wondered if anyone out there was balancing the 2, you know, some people have "online' relationships that maybe their spouses don't know about, so they have on one side an outlet for their desires, but on the other, a "vanilla" partner IRL.

I think the illusive words you’re looking for is betrayal, cheating and clandestine.

I find I have absolutely no interest in sex with DH anymore, and I see that as an obvious problem.

That is probably because you have this other person on your mind and that is your only problem, get him out of your mind and instead of giving in to childish fantasies start to work on your real marriage.

Thanks again, for the input. I have tried with the spouse, but I think the issue is that it isn't in his nature, you know? A guy either has that Dom thing down, or doesn't. He knows that I like, but when he tries, it comes off as....ugh, something not good!

Anywho, I made my bed, and I'm gonna lie in it for a little while longer.

Good for you, because all you know is that the other person might want out of his marraige because he is just fed up with his spouse. He could be telling you a load of crap about Doming you, and another ten years down the line are you going to change partners again because his love is as rusty as the suspension in a used car? Keep with the devil you know and change him to the devil you want. It’s called perseverance.

Regards ian 2411