Thanks to you both. Jennifer, I have been married for a year and a half, and my husband has known I am dissatisfied with our sex life for a little less than a year. There is an overall style difference that does not only involve our differing opinions about BDSM, though BDSM has been my focus lately. At the beginning of our sex life (which predates our marriage...[blush]), I could tell that he was somewhat conservative and preferred to be on the receiving end of matters (such as having me be on top), but it only bothered me over time. We have had many talks about sex, and for the past several months, I have mentioned several that I have had an easier time with arousal when my partner is behaving in a somewhat dominant way. What I have never said is that I can ONLY achieve arousal under these circumstances, in part because I am reluctant to admit to myself that this is true.

His complaints about BDSM are:

1) That he is afraid he is going to do it wrong. I understand this reason completely.

2) That he was traumatized by (mainstream, not BDSM) porn, and now thinks of practices such as slapping, choking, and "facials" as dirty, porn-related, and wrong.

There is, of course, the third, less oft-spoken reason, that he simply does not enjoy it. He tries to be open minded by saying, "I don't know what I enjoy until I try it," which is great, but I know that his fantasies are all about plain sex, that gentle kissing is his favorite foreplay, and that his natural instinct in most situations is to roll onto his back and giggle sweetly.

Still, I am more hopeful than ever that we will be able to work through this, given his spoken willingness to do so, and our deep love for each other.

HB59, I am really glad that your marriage has taken such a fulfilling turn! I would love to copy your experience. I must say, though, that if I met my husband as you describe, I would still get gentle kissing and a desire for normal, gentle sex.