If I had it to do over, I'd only be looking for a bdsm-avid partner.

But that discounts factors out of our control. There's little one can do if one falls for a vanilla except perhaps ignore it. Not a good solution.

The more you can tallk about it up front the better. Our solution was an open relationship that allows us to experience NRE (new relationship energy) without having to lose ong established love. Those decisions perforce put me into the married conducting bdsm outside of that relationship. I've also been that other person, but take no guilt over it... as I have never forced anyone to go outside of their own comfort zone, though I recognize I am exceptionally charismatic. (Lucky me )

That said, though my own relationship is DADT (don't ask - don't tell,) I try to only approach others in open/poly arrangements... and the occasional unattached person... if I feel I can trust them to remain rational about my commitment to my vanilla relationship.