I have spent a lot of time discussing with others through chats, real life, discussion lists and posting forums, what makes a good submissive. What marks a submissive from a player or wannabe. Through these discussions and my personal experiences I have been able to compile the following list of traits. I list the ones that were repeatedly told to me or in my experience seemed to be desired by a majority of dominants. From my personal life experiences, I feel that almost all of these traits are what makes a GOOD PERSON not just a successful submissive.

Many of these things intertwine with each other. But all are my personal beliefs of what makes a good submissive as well as a good person. Most of these can be applied to any relationship, not just those within BDSM. I list them in alphabetical order for ease of reading.

Acceptance:
This is the ability to see and accept yourself for who and what you are, be they your good points or your bad ones. This includes knowing your limitations yet keeping the thought that things can change and knowing you will change as well. This is the ability to let yourself be who you are, to take pride and pleasure in the person you are, and not lose that acceptance because someone said you are not what you know you are.


Communication:
This is the ability to talk openly and honestly about what is in your heart and mind, your opinions and beliefs, your needs vs. your wants, your responses or reactions, basically to be able to talk about everything. This ability also calls into play the honesty of the submissive and the dominant. Once open communication has been established it should remain that way and will do so provided the submissive does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger yourself physically (as well as emotionally). Communication need not always be verbal. Just so long as what you need to say to your partner, gets said to them, then the lines of communication stay open. For example, you may find a particular topic easier to write about in your journal and thus "tell" your partner that way. This is still communicating.

Courtesy (aka Manners):
This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. Since the specifics of this one vary with each relationship, I will only address general manners. It is the ability to show proper courtesy by using please and thank you, addressing people with general respect and courtesy.

Grace:
This is another whose specifics vary with each relationship, but is basically the ability to not appear stilted or halting in your movements. I'm not sure this one is of major importance to many people, but I list it here anyway as it has come up frequently. Of course this may be affected by physical limitations that will reduce its importance.

Growth:
The ability to grow within yourself, look for and attain new goals. Be these mental, emotional or physical goals. The ability to continue to grow and sharpen your abilities is very important as it prevents the relationship from stagnating, helps you to grow as a submissive and thus discover new ways to please or serve your dominant.

Honesty:
Personally I feel this shouldn't need to be said, but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the dominant what you think he/she wants to hear. A successful submissive is an honest person, one who does not lie, deceive, or intentionally manipulate. Honesty builds trust. Trust is the basis of a relationship. To lie, breaks down the trust and therefore the relationship by removing it's very foundation.

Humility:
This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. A successful submissive knows they will make mistakes; that they are not perfect. A successful submissive admits his/her mistakes, and strives to correct them. Giving off an attitude of being better than anyone else, is not a desired trait. Having a sense of pride is good, but humility is necessary to prevent one from being arrogant.



Intelligence:
By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations or pull apart and rebuild a computer. As it applies to a successful submissive intelligence is the ability to think for themselves. The ability to make informed decisions about who to submit to and just how far their submission goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of dominant and submissive, to learn them as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their dominant and remember those things.

Loyalty:
This is a very important trait in a submissive. It is the ability to uphold your dominants rules over anyone else. A successful submissive will not act in a manner that will raise doubts about his/her commitment to their dominant. It is upholding your end of the agreement made with your partner to the best of your abilities. This can also mean standing by your partner when difficulties arise. This tends to come hand in hand with commitment and both are necessary for a long term relationship to survive.


Obedience:
This is exactly what is in every day life, the ability to do what you are told. Within a power exchange relationship this means willingly following the terms of your dominant and doing what you are told. Willing obedience is pleasing to the submissive as well as the dominant. This can directly relate to the person's submissiveness. A submissive does not obey because they fear their dominant, they obey because they have an intense need to please the dominant. This does not mean blind obedience (never question anything). Specifics regarding obedience do vary with each relationship, but obeying one's dominant is part of a power exchange relationship and is expected.



Open Mind:
This is the ability to view things with as little preset prejudice as possible. To maintain the ability to learn new things and be open to trying something new or different. It directly compliments Growth.

Patience:
That is the ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating. This does not mean to push your most urgent needs aside, but to learn the difference between what is a necessity and what is not and to convey these things to the dominant.

Pride: (self respect, self esteem)
This does not mean be arrogant, just the knowledge of your ability. Having a sense of pride in your abilities shows that you have a healthy sense of self esteem and your whole identity does not rely on another's point of view. A good submissive values themselves and respects their own limits. A solid sense of self esteem is a necessity for a submissive or they can become co-dependent upon the dominant, relying on the dominant for their own mental picture of themselves. Humility is part of this as well.

Respect:
The ability to show respect through one's tone of voice, manners and general attitude. A sub must respect their Dom (unless it is destroyed) and be respectful to others. This goes along with manners. Showing respect to one's dominant should be at all times, and not just when the submissive feels like it. Yes, we have arguments in these relationships, but a submissive should strive to maintain a respectful demeanor even during such times.


Service:
Willingly completing tasks (sexual or otherwise) set for you by your dominant. As well to apply your observations to the things you do to please your dominant. Service usually points to those things outside of sexual ones and play (sessions). Such things as housework, cooking, and other things designed to make the home of the dominant more pleasing to him/her. Service can include tasks set for you by the dominant which do not fall under household chores. Perhaps the household budgeting is one task the dominant sets upon you, cooking his/her favorite meal, and many other things can be service. Basically anything done with the direct intent to please the dominant in some manner can be seen as service.

Submissiveness:
This can be taught or an inherent personality trait. This is the need to please others and by doing so pleasing yourself. As well, it is the ability to give in (so to speak) to another's control and feel content doing so. Submissiveness as a learned behavior does occur in BDSM relationships. This usually happens as the submissive gains experience and thus grows in their submission. However, if a person has to learn to submit against their natural inclinations not to, then submission is probably not for them.

Trust:
A submissive must be able to trust themselves, the choices they make and be able to trust others. An overly wary or closed submissive, will have a more difficult time attaining a good relationship with a dominant. Being able to trust your instincts is necessary for a submissive, specially when looking for a dominant because your instincts will often tell you if something is not right. Listen to them because to ignore them can be dangerous.

The number one mistake I see made by those new to D/s is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to go about playing. While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.

Another common mistake is rushing into things. I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain... that is the bad kind, not the good. When you first get started, take the time to read the literature, join a local organization, and get to know the person you will be playing with.

A mistake I often see new subs make is submitting to anyone and everyone who calls themselves a dominant. Just because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress", "Dom" or "Domme" in their screen name doesn't mean you have to call them "sir" or "ma'am" or submit to their demands. For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect. New dominants are sometimes guilty of this. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they have?

Another mistake inexperienced subs often make is in setting limits. Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. Much more common is a new sub setting too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to this year, you may crave the next.

Something else I have seen is the "Dom/me is always right" syndrome. The joke is there are two rules in D/s:

1.
The Dom/me is always right
2.
If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1

That's what it is, too... just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong... especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you any less "domly".
Finally, many newbies think that the Dom/me's pleasure is the only thing that matters. Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me, but it should please you as a sub, also. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don't enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partners.

Facts about B&D, D&S, and S&M
Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
Context is what determines whether or not pain is experienced as pleasurable, though the context depends on the individual. An example of "good" pain may be getting scratched during sex, while an example of "bad" pain may be stubbing your toe.

Some individuals view BDSM as their sexual orientation, like heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. Others view it as a chosen sexual practice. In either case, it needs to be respected.

Not all BDSM play is between heterosexual couples. People who practice BDSM may be either monogamous or polyamourous.

BDSM may or may not include sexual contact. For example, during a "scene" which centers around the use of flogggers the partners may not have physical contact which goes beyond friendly hugging, yet to each individual, the scene may be sexually arousing. This sexual energy may be used at the end of a "scene" either with that partner, another partner, or by the individual alone.

People who are submissive with their partner in a BDSM "scene" may not be necessarily submissive in other aspects of their lives.

BDSM can encompass physical and/or psychological interactions. Ligature marks around wrists or ankles cause safety questions to be raised. War patients about erotic asphyxiation -- choking play or hanging play is very dangerous but common.

Accidents can happen n BDSM, just as in any other physical activity, but this isn't abuse.

Rings, collars, brands, piercings or tattoos can be symbols of commitment which are as sacred as marriage bands.

Both "tops" and "bottoms" can have bruises or soreness from a play session (scene). Both "tops" and "bottoms," regardless of their sex, can be abused.

Not all women "sub/bottom" and not all men "Dom/top."

Some people are proud of their bruises marks/cuts just as they might be proud of a hickey on their neck. Don't assume it is a problem or a mistake.

Partners who know each other very well may sometimes "negotiate" a scene without a "safe word" -- this is still not abuse but a matter of profound trust.

Long ago the first imagery appeared. In most cases we cannot pinpoint the moment or recognize it's import in our life. When I was a child I went to the library every Tuesday with my mother. Each of us children were allowed 8 selections (there were 4 of us). We would load up and carry these books home like priceless treasures. After finishing our own 8, we would exchange our books with our siblings. On that day my older brother got a book on prehistoric man. The pages were very large and the depiction's quite detailed. In one I saw a person tied to a long pole, being carried by two other people. In another scene this person was put over a fire. The images astounded me. I was horrified and instantly hooked. For over a year I checked that book out every week until the Librarian suggested that others might like to see it and forbade me. Many other books followed. I do not recall any as having that initial impact but I remember reading sections of books and being so moved that I would tear out pages to hide so I could read them again and again.

Each of these bits spoke to something inside of me. Having the power to summon instant emotion and response. Over the years of my childhood and young adulthood these grew into a fabric that seemed to live on it's own inside of me. I know that in this I am in no way unique. Many people find their first exposure to this realm of BDSM through fictional books. It may have been Gor or The Story of O, or even one of Anne Rice's Beauty books. It may have been a movie like 9 1/2 weeks, Exit to Eden or any of a number of others. Once read or seen, the stories seem to 'live' inside of us.

The problem comes when the individual tries to translate a fictional realm into a real life lifestyle. The books with all of their titillating eroticism fall far short in many ways. The author tends to gloss over the hard stuff. It is a world of unblemished perfection under the tightly held controls of the writer. Real life does not function that way. Someone has to take the children to school, pay the bills and balance the checkbook.

Unrealistic expectations and desires are some of the most difficult challenges faced by those who are experienced in the lifestyle when dealing with those just entering the lifestyle. In many ways we each buy into a particular 'aspect' of the fantasy. Be it the control, or the subjugation or the intense eroticism. None of these things are sustainable 24 hours a day. Yet over and over people try to implement the impossible.

The individual puts on the role. Be it Dominant or submissive. They reach inside just like an actor and pull out that part of themselves that identifies with that aspect and they drape it across themselves like a cloak. And, while wearing that cloak they present themselves in the assumed role fully. In that mode they seek out and engage their opposite, they pull out all those fantasies and dreams and try to fashion them into a workable scenario. And it seems to work. Except, that their new relationships tend to fail rather quickly. After a few meetings something 'happens' and they separate to seek another person, ignoring the sensation of personal relief they feel. They willingly attribute that sensation to that person not being 'the one'. This may recur for years. Especially if they cling to their fantasies as being the epitome of perfection.

The fantasy of being caged every day is enormously erotic mentally, and extremely devastating in reality. It is boring, uncomfortable and a total waste of the ability and talents of the individual. They do nothing to contribute. There is no computer, no books, no television, no bathroom, no telephone, no attention. The books never talk about how the slave would feel if their mother walked into the room where they were caged naked. The fantasy of having slaves at your beck and call suggests that anyone (regardless of wealth), could live like a King. Have sex whenever they liked, have whatever they wanted done instantly. The books never talk about the total responsibility of clothing, housing, feeding, medical, retirement of each of those individuals. The enormous outpouring of attention required to keep a slave happy and healthy. The complications when submissives fight amongst themselves, jealousy issues, insecurities and a myriad of other problems.

When the individual reaches their limit, (the length of time where the role is sustainable), then inevitably that role falls away and some other part of their personality shows through. This is generally some form of lashing out. The role becomes stressful to sustain and the source or reason for the creation of that role becomes the focal point for the outburst. This is generally followed by embarrassment. The individual realizes they have 'broken' their own word. They have acted in a manner in opposition to what they agreed upon in the relationship. This embarrassment can be so great that they completely sever the relationship, seeing no way to rebuild the previous respect.

This entire structure was doomed before it ever began. Assuming any type of 'role' pressurizes the insides of a person. Maintaining a veneer while hiding other parts of the self creates imbalance . . . eventually the psyche tries to reestablish that balance. There are no rules or formulae to being either Dominant or submissive. There are no requirements. Being a Dominant does not mean you have to be a bitch on wheels 24 hours a day. Nor does it mean that should you show vulnerability others will lose respect for you. If you cannot be ALL sides of yourself then you are reflecting a flawed image outward. If you feel it is un-Dominant to smile, laugh, tease, flirt, etc. . . then that should be a warning to you that you are not being honest with yourself. A sustainable relationship requires the entirety of the person to be involved. Being whole will allow you to project a 'confidence' of self. An assurity of who you are with all your warts. No, you will not be Dominant or submissive 24 hours a day. The strongest aspect will be present the majority of the time.

At some point the illusions and expectations must be set aside in lieu of functional choices. There is no Gor with it's eternally young women and no children, there is no Chateau hidden somewhere with some fabulously wealthy person willing to 'keep' you in luxury and comfort and Mickey Rourke is not waiting to bring you to your knees somewhere. A submissive carrying these illusions may find cleaning a toilet with a toothbrush not to be something they fantasized about doing at all. A Dominant clinging to expectations of a 24 hour servant may find attending to that person more like day care of a helpless infant than filled with the ideals of the erotic fantasy. They will probably be completely unprepared for the stress of being totally responsible for someone else's life and happiness.
What Are Red Flags?
A red flag is an internal warning that something is not right here. This is the words many in BDSM use to describe a feeling that something is wrong, or a thought that something isn't right here. Red flags vary for person to person, though there are some which seem to be believed by the majority of people in my experience. For many, the term applies to warning signals of an abusive person.

A red flag should be something that you feel is not right for you. If you hate the idea of golden showers and a person insists on them, then you should experience a "red flag" or feeling of something isn't right here. Some of the general read flags are as follows.

A person refuses to give personal information about themselves yet insists on meeting you anyway. This should raise a red flag because it could signify someone that is not honest, and could potentially be dangerous.

A person stating that they will do absolutely anything you want even without ever having seen your face. This could be a person that has a self esteem or other psychological/emotional problem that prevents them from protecting themselves and could lead to false accusations of abuse or rape.

A person refusing to give their marital status before a meeting could be someone that is cheating on their spouse or otherwise dishonest.

A person that insists a safe word is not necessary under any circumstances should raise a red flag. A safe word, specially in new relationships, is an important thing to have.

A person that refuses to allow you a safe call should raise a red flag. This person is ignoring your safety and could very well be dangerous.

A person who insists that a scene must take place on an initial meeting could be someone that is only interested in sex, and possibly dangerous.

Using your common sense is your best defense against finding yourself in trouble. If you feel or have "red flags" going off about a person, do not meet them until those red flags have been addressed to your satisfaction. They may be nothing more than personal fears, or they could very well signify a real dangerous person. Red Flags come from your instincts, trust them.