Thank you to you both for the link, I probably should have check the threads before posting a new one.

Denu: yes, my boyfriend is actually the only one who knows everything that's gone on. We've been together for over a year and only recently started playing despite the fact that it's something we're both interested in. He's amazingly kind about it. Never once in all this time has he ever made an issue of what's gone on in my past. He's so understanding that he actually went without his favorite sex acts just because he wanted to make sure I was alright.

But that fear is still there and I hate it. It drives me mad that he always feels like he needs to be careful. And the things that set me off are so strange. Cuddling, kissing me in public, taking my hand when we're walking somewhere, vanilla sex, they send me into just as many panic attacks as our BDSM play.

I just don't know what to do. But I'll check out that other thread. Thank you so much for the tip.