Well Wiki, that just depends on your definition of "normal". One of my best friends is in a "normal" relationship. Sex in missionary or doggy style, her idea of kinky is that they watch hentai together and they have a few toys they use (mostly because he can't get her off without them). All she does is talk about how he mentions that she's gaining weight and then buys her expensive presents. I think she gets more satisfaction looking at porno mags and pretending to fuck the guys in them.

No, I can't have a relationship with any guy or girl off the street because in most cases they won't understand the way I live. The dudes freak about how many other men I've been with, the girls just want to coddle me and say "oh you poor thing!", Dom/mes don't really seem to care that I have limits that can't be crossed without consequences.

But my relationship now is just what I need, it will probably set the tone for every relationship I have in the future, because this is my normal. I need pain sometimes, I need him to choke me, to pin me down, to whip me, to let me cut so he can drink my blood. But other times, I just need him next to me while I sleep so that he can whisper that I'm safe when I'm having nightmares, or have him take me for a walk and hold my hand, or cuddle with me on the couch and run his fingers through my hair. I'm sure that not everyone would consider what I do with him
normal, but I do.

So don't feel ashamed. If pain is what you need and want, then that's what's normal for you. No one should have to hide the things they want, nothing that brings joy and satisfaction is wrong. Unless you want to have sex with little kids, but you already know that's wrong the same way I do from the sounds of it.

Just keep trying, I believe it has to be possible for people like us to find a way to be ok. And sometimes, ok is the best you can do.