Red flags for those new to the lifestyle

[Anita Blake]

Shakeshead....People its not a list where you check one box and go oh shit run away run away run away...one thing on this list most likely will amount to nothing but if said person has a check in every box...you better run like hell...mostly this is just warning signs you start seeing these behaviors and hopefully this list will trigger in you mind and make you go..maybe i should take a second look...

Stone, I think this is superb and I am glad you posted it. I think is good advice for any relationship, not just D/s. But instead of running like hell, can I borrow your chainsaw?

[Lady_Vampyra_Bytes]

Reading the red flags could also be taken into non bdsm life, I thinik with a bit of editing it could apply toany type of abusive relationship and be posted on a site for help with escaping anabusive relationship and for those not too sire if they are in an abusive relationship and may save someone out there as well.

[Pegao]

i know ive seen similar lists posted on other relationship forums.. not as much reference to bdsm community.. but just community in general.. probably wouldnt show up in a bunch of places if it was totally w/out value..

[Stone]

yes these warning signs apply to any and all relationships bdsm or nilla, I have said before I wish I had had such a list back in my nilla days would have avoided some ugliness

[scarlet_85]

As far as suicidal thoughts go, I feel that if a Master is that mentally unstable, the playing should stop. I had a very close friend that showed a lot of signs on this red flag list, including suicide, and felt that had I of submitted to him I would have been used as a punching bag (if you will). On a friendship level I was willing to help but on a Master/slave level I could not allow it. Love this post by the way. Very helpful

[walkingdude225]

thanks for the post

[foxy lady]

What a gr8 post!! i wish i found this the day i loggon for the first time. Really great advice! and spoke like someone that has experienced a lot. thank for the share :-)

[bigdaddy560]

very informative and nicely formatted !!

[Cold Harbor]

Stone, thanks for putting this out there for the community to kick around. It's such an important topic to discuss and the highly charged responses reflect that very fact. I think if the list had feelings it was be squeeling "Thank you sir/madam, may I have another."

[10K]

Shakeshead....People its not a list where you check one box and go oh shit run away run away run away...one thing on this list most likely will amount to nothing but if said person has a check in every box...you better run like hell...mostly this is just warning signs you start seeing these behaviors and hopefully this list will trigger in you mind and make you go..maybe i should take a second look...

I think I can agree with this, it is logical that one or maybe two of many of these alone are just harmless coincidences...in most cases, two could also be a terrible sign.

I do think however that there are some in here that alone would warrant extreme caution even alone. Such as "•Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community." You shouldn't be isolated, that could be very dangerous.

[spazzakazz]

This is a great list to have out there, especially on a forum like this. It's unfortunate but the public image of BDSM has a lot of appeal for assholes and people with no self esteem. It sometimes seems like people think a good Dom should be cruel and make their sub miserable. I really think a good Dom should be a good person, someone who is actually worth devoting yourself to. Your red flag list is particularly important for new subs to read, to help them avoid getting involved with people who are only going to hurt them and can't be trusted. I know that is a big worry of mine as I'm starting to look for a real life Domme. I have pretty good gut instincts, but I do worry that in my excitement over meeting someone I might do something stupid.

[okay really?]

I am new here and wanted to comment even if this is an old thread- I am not nor have ever been part of the of the bdsm scene (though have always had the desire to experience it). I am proud I have reached out this much as just registering for this site has me nervous. What I wanted to say is my first real relationship (meaning first sex) was with someone that possessed probably 12 or 13 of these traits on the list and that excludes the ones strictly applicable to bdsm. Of course I was inexperience and very young but I do remember my friends warning me off of the relationship and my reply being "I know, he is very intense but don't worry we are just dating -I'm not going to marry the guy", well guess what- I married the guy. I don't really know how it happened but I remember my back sliding down the wall as I cried while I was being told we were getting married or the relationship was over as he insisted I be with him all the way or not at all; very romantic wouldn't you say? Anyway, that was a very long time ago and the point of all this is that sociopaths are not only cunning at mind games but their choice of who to entrap is usually someone they sense would be pliable, ergo submissive. Some of us have learned the hardway and It makes it that much harder to step off the ledge when on the outside we have built a shell that gives the message we are the farthest from wanting to be dominated but on the inside in secret has remained a unmet need.

[delish]

Hi and welcome to the site, okay! You should be proud to be reaching out and sharing this sort of thing. I agree with your point about having that shell of being indomitable (so to speak) but really desiring it at the same time. I'm sorry for your terrible experiences, but it sounds like you're coming to terms with who and what he really is, and what you're not interested in having. Enjoy your time here!

[davina_]

Great thread, glad to see people looking at it too.

[badboyy]

Great Post! Hope it helps those who might need it.

[Misschief]

To a proverbial "t", red flags for vanilla relationships, too.. minus all depravity, of course..

[iucundavi]

Thank you! I'm new to the life, and starting to explore being a dom....so far, many of the subs I've talked to have encountered "doms" displaying several of the traits red flagged, so I think it's good to have this up and distribute the info as widely as possible. As Abraham Lincoln said, whatever you are, be good at it.

[vanilla90]

most of the above just seem to be red flags for a general bad partner (except for the obvious d/s mentions)

[sub_sequent]

I come back to this thread often when speaking to newer members of the Library. I read this again last night and thought it needed to be mentioned again...
So.....read it use your common sense and be safe.....

[~CreamySub~]

In my everyday life there were many of the traits that would have had me avoiding a person in general, But when i was new to the lifestyle it seemed the common sense of the facts or rather traits were something I ignored , I dont mknow why but I did and it did land me with a person as such .

Thank you Stone for posting it , is a reminder of how a character is a character trait weather in bdsm or vanilla .I surly would have moved slowly if I would have read something as such early on in entering this / our lifestyle and been much more level headed.

And yes subs as well can have the issues , I myself fall under only one but Im working on it , the falling to fast just a lover here ..

[Stone]

Yes these can apply to any and all roles male female and so on.

[Hamishlacastle]

Denusari hit it well in her comment. COMMON SENSE is the most important thing. The BDSM community has unique dynamics but they still function under common sense. If you are not sure then slow it down. If the person continues certain red flag behaviours then it is time to cut them loose.

[Stone]

One thing I have found is COMMON SENSE is NOT that COMMON......

[denuseri]

I have to agree with Stone on that one for sure. I even experienced a total lack of it a few times myself...especially when riding that brand spanky new relationship high.

[Kerri]

I really appreciate this advise, comments and opinions since I am new to the lifestyle.

[mrmac]

Kerri , I am also new to this web site , i HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET AROUND ,

DON

[Djbillson]

Thanks for the post, always good to know what to look for not only in other but yourself. I worry about myself that I'll turn to aggressive as a Dom, or to blind and willing as a Sub. But I have lots of time to find out if I'm a switch or a sub.

[deigja]

bump, because it´s just so important!

Deigja

[Solis]

For convenience sake, here's the list from the first post in the thread. The general sense I got from the succeeding three pages of discussion was something like, "yes, almost all of us are guilty of waving one or two or a few of these red flags ourselves. The impulse to back quickly away should be triggered if you read one and another and of "yeah, that's him. That one, too. Oh God, that one."

Solis

Red Flags:

•Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.

•Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.

•Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.

•Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.

•Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.

•Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.

•Consistently breaks promises. Always finds excuses for not meeting.

•Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. Does not take personal responsibility.

•Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

•Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

•Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.

•Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.

•Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

•Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.

•Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

•Puts you down in front of other people.

•Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.

•Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.

•Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.

•Lies or withholds information.

•Cheats on you or is overly jealous.

•Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.

•Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas. Blames you for your hurt feelings.

•Abuses alcohol or other drugs.

•Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

•Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

•Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

•Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.

•Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

•Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

•Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.

•Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

•Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.

•Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

This is NOT copyrighted material. Please copy and distribute freely.

[eager_master]

I would also say does not stop when the limits that are set are passed.