Have been away for some time, but if this topic isn't finished, a short comment from me.

Through all your obviously very real pain and agony, it seems to me that there is little space for thinking about how He feels about it, and why he reacted the way he did. This seems to have struck others as well.

I believe I understand him. If I had given a direct order, and was disobeyed, and got a big tantrum about my decision to punish this, I might also decide that this sub is not for me IF there had been other problems as well. As others, I too feel that your description of how your bdsm life was is almost too idyllic to be true. We have a saying where I come from, that only what is lost is loved forever. Is it possible that, in your panic, your feelings about what you had is too rose-tinted, and that there was something there after all that has something to do with this?

It is about obedience, you know, even if it is also about communication, which there doesn't seem to have been very much of? Not good communication, any way. An uproar is not communication. And it is in any case impossible to discuss anything when one is wildly upset. About obedience: you did not obey, and you did challenge him head-on about his decision about it.

I am so sory for what you have lost - may have lost. I also feel that all you can do is have patience, but also please think very carefully about your own role in this, not just about how unjust is all was. Something apparently has to be different, and if it does change, maybe so will he.

Best of luck!