Razor's Project Hope (Assignment Two, I think)

[Razor7826]

This wasn't as overly constrained as the previous assignment, however, it was still pretty bounded. I had some fun with it, and it shouldn't be taken too seriously, as Hope seems like she wasn't revered as the best writer in the library.





------------------------


The Pirates of Baskerville



Samantha Samson stumbled into the front yard of Baskerville Hall, the phosphorescently glowing dogs already tugging ahead on their leashes. Very little about her job as a dog walker bothered Samantha, save negligent owners that let their dogs get too damned big.

The Baskerville family had really let their dogs go over the last few years. Many times Samantha thought of charging more of that old money for walking the now behemoth-sized hounds, but she convinced herself otherwise time and time again, not wanting to upset her most generous employees.

The dogs forced her into a brisk jog, leading her up and down the small foothills through the perpetual pools of mud that plagued the Scottish moors, splashing sludge in every direction. The hounds followed their usual running path to a T, until, just past Belvedere Manor, they turned and sprang into the brush. Sam had no choice but to follow, twigs and pines thwacking her face as she ran down the unbeaten path.

Her dogs stopped. Sam could not see the reason why until she too reached the clearing. She tripped over the stalled dogs and tumbled into the mud, splashing the guck onto a single fine leather boot. An old boot, the type one would see on a caricature of a pilgrim.

Those boots belonged on something other than pilgrims, however-- something that Samantha realized as she traced her eyes upwards, from peg-leg to pantaloons to flamboyantly red petticoat to the dirtiest beard she had ever seen in her life.

Pirates. Real, anachronistic pirates.

In front of Samantha stood a genuine pirate, or perhaps just an extremely good pirate impersonator, and he looked none-too thrilled to have his seemingly authentic boot soiled.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrr! What ye be doing, wench? There be mud on my boots!" He yelled, in the one of the most intimidating pirate accents that Samantha had ever heard, though she acknowledge the fact that she had never really heard that many. A chorus of ‘yars’ and ‘dyars’ rang from both his trio of pirate lackeys and from his rainbow parrot.

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't see you,” apologized Samantha.

The pirate laughed boisterously, his long black beard shaking with his body. "How do ye not see a two meter pirate wearing a bright red coat? Lass, I think ye be blind."

"No need to get rude about it," said Samantha.

"Rude? RUDE? Do you know who I am?”

"KRAWK! RUDE! RUDE!" screamed the parrot, flapping his wings wildly.

"Um..."

The pirate slapped his non-hooked hand to his forehead and gasped in disbelief. "I'm Captain Woodcock, Scourge of the Sea! Ye must be a foolish wench to feign ignorance of me!”

"KRAWK! WENCH! WENCH!" chorused the parrot.

"Yarr, quiet, Rudy, ye should have some tact."

"KRAWK! TACTLESS! TACTLESS!"

Samantha turned her back and tiptoed away, hoping to escape without notice.

"DYARRGGHH!" yelled Captain Woodcock. "Ye still haven't repaid what you've done to my shoes!"

Samantha turned towards him slowly and responded, "I think the mud will wash right of. It shouldn't be much of a problem."

"Yarr, damages be damned, it's the principle of it. Ye need to make amends, I thinks." Behind him the chorus of lackeys burst into laughter.

"I don't have any money on me.”

"It isn't money that I wanted anyways!"

"Then... no... don't rape me, please..." Her voice wavered.

"Yahar! Sorry I cannot oblige ye, but they don't call me Captain Woodcock for nothing, though some of my friends mind be interested. Grab her boys!

The lackeys complied, grabbing Samantha's wrists and dragging her to the center of the clearing.

"Let me go, you anachronistic freaks," she screamed, thrashing against their grip. The pair of dogs just stood and stared. She didn't know whether they were scared or apathetic to her plight. "It's not my fault! The dogs stopped, so I tripped over them. Please, don't do this to me!"

"Yahar! Blaming yer dogs now? Do ye think they should pay the price instead?"

Samantha didn't want to offer the dogs as a sacrifice. She knew that giving them away to pirates would be bad for her dog walking business, but fear overtook her reason and she said, "Yes, take the dogs, just let me go."

"Well, they don't seem to be much aware of what we be saying. Do ye think they consent?"

"Um..." Samantha had no idea how to respond to the question.

"Yahar, why don't we find out?" He walked around to the rear of the dogs. They didn't even flinch as he shoved they his peg leg and hook hand into their respective assholes. "Dyar, it appears they don't mind."

Samantha was flabbergasted at the situation.

"Now, time for your payment as well."

"Hey, I thought you said the dogs would be enough?"

"I said no such thing. We have a pirate tradition that I think ye should be a part of. We call it Avidouche!"

The trio of lackeys pinning Samantha to the ground broke out in chorus of "Avidouche! Avidouche!" The one holding her legs inched his hands up her thighs and slipped his fingers into the band of her grey sweatpants, then slipped them down to her knees.

"No, please, you said you wouldn't rape me!"

"I didn't say such I thing, I don't believe, but I'm pretty sure this doesn't constitute rape," defended the pirate captain. He reared his head and looked at the pirate perched on his right shoulder, and commanded, "Rudy, time to do your work, boy."

"KRAWK! WORK! WORK!" The parrot leaped off of the captain's shoulder and landed in the mud. It looked around, then waddled towards Samantha's disrobed bottom. It came to a stop at the entrance of her snatch.

Samantha glared down at the innocent looking bird and had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. However, the reality of her punishment dawned as the little bird pushed up against her cunt lips, slowly edging its way inside. Pain tore through her body as the bird entered a place that she long thought was too small for a bird to enter.

The pain lightened once the bird was all the way inside. She wondered if the thing would suffocate in there. Worst of all, she wondered what she would have to do if it did. As she pondered those important questions, a familiar voice reverberated throughout Samantha's body.

"KRAWK! AVIDOUCHE! AVIDOUCHE!"

[Mad Lews]

Not a bad attempt at reproducing one of Hope's early masterpieces. Fun has its place of course and while not a liberal, I am a Libertine, so I can understand why you might stray on occasion.

This wasn't as overly constrained as the previous assignment, however, it was still pretty bounded. I had some fun with it, and it shouldn't be taken too seriously, as Hope seems like she wasn't revered as the best writer in the library.





------------------------


The Pirates of Baskerville



Samantha Samson stumbled into the front yard of Baskerville Hall, the phosphorescently glowing dogs already tugging ahead on their leashes. Very little about her job as a dog walker bothered Samantha, save negligent owners that let their dogs get too damned big.

The Baskerville family had really let their dogs go over the last few years. Many times Samantha thought of charging more of that old money for walking the now behemoth-sized hounds, but she convinced herself otherwise time and time again, not wanting to upset her most generous employees.

The dogs forced her into a brisk jog, leading her up and down the small foothills through the perpetual pools of mud that plagued the Scottish moors, splashing sludge in every direction. The hounds followed their usual running path to a T, until, just past Belvedere Manor, they turned and sprang into the brush. Sam had no choice but to follow, twigs and pines thwacking (thwacked I believe) her face as she ran down the unbeaten path.

Her dogs stopped. Sam could not see the reason why until she too reached ( stumbled into) the clearing. She tripped over the stalled (? better word choice)dogs and tumbled into the mud, splashing the guck onto a single fine leather boot. An old boot, the type one would see on a caricature of a pilgrim.

Those boots (wait a minute isn't it a boot and a peg leg?)belonged on something other than pilgrims, however-- something that Samantha realized as she traced her eyes upwards, from peg-leg to pantaloons to flamboyantly red petticoat to the dirtiest beard she had ever seen in her life.

Pirates.; Real, anachronistic (?find a better word) pirates.

In front of Samantha stood a genuine pirate, or perhaps just an extremely good pirate impersonator, and he looked none-too thrilled to have his seemingly authentic boot soiled.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrr! What ye be doing, wench? There be mud on my boots!" He yelled, in the one of the most intimidating pirate accents that Samantha had ever heard, though she acknowledge the fact that she had never really heard that many. A chorus of ‘yars’ and ‘dyars’ rang from both his trio of pirate lackeys and from his rainbow parrot.

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't see you,” apologized Samantha.

The pirate laughed boisterously, his long black beard shaking with his body. "How do ye not see a two meter (we be in Scotland lad they be six foot Pirates nary a metric Frenchman among them) pirate wearing a bright red coat? Lass, I think ye be blind."

"No need to get rude about it," said Samantha.

"Rude? RUDE? Do you know who I am?”

"KRAWK! RUDE! RUDE!" screamed the parrot, flapping his wings wildly.

"Um..."

The pirate slapped his non-hooked hand to his forehead and gasped in disbelief. "I'm Captain Woodcock, Scourge of the Sea! Ye must be a foolish wench to feign ignorance of me!”

"KRAWK! WENCH! WENCH!" chorused the parrot.

"Yarr, quiet, Rudy, ye should have some tact."

"KRAWK! TACTLESS! TACTLESS!"

Samantha turned her back and tiptoed away, hoping to escape without notice.

"DYARRGGHH!" yelled Captain Woodcock. "Ye still haven't repaid what you've done to my shoes!"

Samantha turned towards him slowly and responded, "I think the mud will wash right of. It shouldn't be much of a problem."

"Yarr, damages be damned, it's ( for consistent accent you would use ‘it be the principle’) the principle of it. Ye need ( again ‘Ye be needin’) to make amends, I thinks." Behind him the chorus of lackeys burst into laughter.

"I don't have any money on me.”

"It isn't money that I wanted anyways!"

"Then... no... don't rape me, please..." Her voice wavered.

"Yahar! Sorry I cannot oblige ye, but they don't call me Captain Woodcock for nothing, though some of my friends mind (might?) be interested. Grab her boys!

The lackeys complied, grabbing Samantha's wrists and dragging her to the center of the clearing.

"Let me go, you anachronistic (try for a better word, archaic, ancient, obsolete) freaks," she screamed, thrashing against their grip. The pair of dogs just stood and stared. She didn't know whether they were scared or apathetic to her plight. "It's not my fault! The dogs stopped, so I tripped over them. Please, don't do this to me!"

"Yahar! Blaming yer dogs now? Do ye think they should pay the price instead?"

Samantha didn't want to offer the dogs as a sacrifice. She knew that giving them away to pirates would be bad for her dog walking business, (this is a perfect example of the type of oblivious humor that hope would have stumbled upon while writing this; irony, bordering on the subtle.) but fear overtook her reason and she said, "Yes, take the dogs, just let me go."

"Well, they don't seem to be much aware of what we be saying. Do ye think they consent?"

"Um..." Samantha had no idea how to respond to the question.

"Yahar, why don't we find out?" He walked around to the rear of the dogs. They didn't even flinch as he shoved they his peg leg and hook hand into their respective assholes. "Dyar, it appears they don't mind."

Samantha was flabbergasted at the situation.

"Now, time for your payment as well."

"Hey, I thought you said the dogs would be enough?"

"I said no such thing. We have a pirate tradition that I think ye should be a part of. We call it Avidouche!"

The trio of lackeys pinning Samantha to the ground broke out in chorus of "Avidouche! Avidouche!" The one holding her legs inched his hands up her thighs and slipped his fingers into the band of her grey sweatpants, then slipped them down to her knees.

"No, please, you said you wouldn't rape me!"

"I didn't say such I thing, I don't believe, ( try 'Besides' instead) but I'm pretty sure this doesn't constitute rape," defended (you need a better word there) the pirate captain. He reared his head and looked at the pirate perched on his right shoulder, and commanded, "Rudy, time to do your work, boy."

"KRAWK! WORK! WORK!" The parrot leaped off of the captain's shoulder and landed in the mud. It looked around, then waddled towards Samantha's disrobed bottom. It came to a stop at the entrance of her snatch.

Samantha glared down at the innocent looking bird and had absolutely no idea what was going to happen. However, the reality of her punishment dawned as the little bird pushed up against her cunt lips, slowly edging its way inside. Pain tore through her body as the bird entered a place that she long thought was too small for a bird to enter.

The pain lightened once the bird was all the way inside. She wondered if the thing would suffocate in there. Worst of all, she wondered what she would have to do if it did. As she pondered those important questions, a familiar voice reverberated throughout Samantha's body.

"KRAWK! AVIDOUCHE! AVIDOUCHE!" ©Razor 7826

OK 'Avidouche' was a nice touch of humor but it was you, not Hope. If "The Bard" spoke true and all the world's a stage then your role for this small part of the play was to write as Hope would have. In spots you hit that perfectly in other places you were the one shinning through. Now could you go through and pick out the Razor spots as well as the Hope spots?
This isn't really an exercise in sadistic control, at times you might find it useful to have a character write a missive, a letter, or even a journal in one of your stories. Point of view is important but tone and temperment help make the character believable.
Yours
Mad Lews

as an aside Razor, you do seem to write with a wealth of imagination but in a bit of a rush once the writing is done. Try to think of it as story telling and remember it should grow richer with each retelling so allow yourself at least two rewritings before it sees the light of anothers monitor.

[Satan_Klaus]

This isn't really an exercise in sadistic control, at times you might find it useful to have a character write a missive, a letter, or even a journal in one of your stories. Point of view is important but tone and temperment help make the character believable.

The mad one is right, telling a story like one of your characters would is a powerful tool that is well worth learning. It's very difficult, though, because of its subtlety. Which character would use which words and avoid which others? How about the tone and feel and interpretation of events? Very tricky indeed.

But the reviews we got are really not enough to truly judge how hope would go about things. There has to be a 'Razor' part (or at least a "Razor's character, Hope" part in there just to fill the gaps.

Satan_Klaus

PS: Lews, this telling a story like your character would is, of course, of paramount concern to me because of the 'litany of fire' where two narrators share the tale. I was always wondering how I could improve on this.

[Razor7826]

Thank you for the notes; there were some changes late in the writing that I didn't retroactively fix, like the peg leg.

Do you use 'rewrite' and 'revise' synonymously? If I did two full genuine 'rewrites' like writing the thing over from the beginning, well, I don't imagine that I would ever get anything done. One of Heinlein's Five Rules for Writing was "Never rewrite unless to editorial demand," and I've been trying to follow that. I could probably use more time rereading and revising, however.

It is kind of hard to pick out the 'Hope' spots, because I don't know how she writes. The comments the users left didn't particularly hint at the 'irony, bordering on the subtle' that you make it seem like she was known for.

Oh, and the pirate isn't supposed to make much sense.

[Mad Lews]

Thank you for the notes; there were some changes late in the writing that I didn't retroactively fix, like the peg leg.

Do you use 'rewrite' and 'revise' synonymously? If I did two full genuine 'rewrites' like writing the thing over from the beginning, well, I don't imagine that I would ever get anything done. One of Heinlein's Five Rules for Writing was "Never rewrite unless to editorial demand," and I've been trying to follow that. I could probably use more time rereading and revising, however.

It is kind of hard to pick out the 'Hope' spots, because I don't know how she writes. The comments the users left didn't particularly hint at the 'irony, bordering on the subtle' that you make it seem like she was known for.

Oh, and the pirate isn't supposed to make much sense.

The Hope in the story was just beginning her writing career. Her first attempt was barely literate; this her second attempt people found funny, (except for those who took it seriously). My question is was Hope actually trying for humor or was it simply that her effort at a serious story was hilarious. That question is up to you and should effect how you write in her name.

But enough of all that.

Heinlein said that? well who am I to argue, I mean the man who could write Methuselah's Children, Starship Trooper, (much better than the cheesy movie) and Stranger in a Strange Land must have known how to write.

I'm not sure of the difference between rewrite and revise; with any common word processing program I suppose it's a matter of degree. I'd say always be open to retelling the story in a better way. But who are you going to listen to Heinlein or a mad man?

yours
Mad Lews

[Satan_Klaus]

Well what am I supposed to say? I had to laugh pretty hard at the end so you achieved your main goal.

I'm not even a native speaker so I will leave the nits to the experts but suffice to say that you have a pirate instead of a parrot sitting on the leaders shoulder near the end.

Satan_Klaus

PS: Bless you for making me laugh, Razor, but curse you for using the hounds of baskerville. I had been thinking about the same line for my own story.

PPS: Krooak! Avidouche! Avidouche!

[Razor7826]

Ah, so I take it you liked the phrase Avidouche? My revised version has that changed to "Hide-the-Parrot" but if Avidocuhe is good, I'll keep it. It isn't very Hope-like as far as I can tell.

With regards to the Hounds of Baskerville, well, that was obviously intended by Hope, so you using it as well would make sense.



With regards to writing from the perspective of one of the characters, yes, I need to try that more. One of the many novel-length ideas I am working on is from the perspective of a librarian, but my vocabulary is insufficient to match what a librarian should sound like. One (or two) of the Bad End ideas that I've started has a similar idea going on, as well. I may pull one of those out as an exercise.

[Satan_Klaus]

Avidouche is funnier if you ponder about the word for a while until it is ringing in your head with that off-key parrot voice. But maybe hide the parrot is the better expression for two reasons:

1) It is immediately apparent and not only to the more word-savy or those who read your story with increased attention to detail.

2) (And this is appending to what we were just talking about) Would pirates, loud, roudy pirates, use a word like avidouche? Their leader maybe but the others?

Satan_Klaus

[Razor7826]

The pirate lackeys would use whatever their captain said they should use. Furthermore, they are pirates in the Scottish Moors. They don't need to make any damn sense.

[Razor7826]

Heinlein was also talking from the age of typewriters, so rewriting and revising were often one in the same. However, in the age of computers, a rewrite, in my eyes, actually retyping the entire thing, using the original as a mere reference that can be stuck to as closely as desired. Revising, in my eyes, is editing with an axe, willing to chop away and restructure things as deeply as necessary.

So, I guess they are kind of a matter of degree.

Heinlein's full list- (http://www.sfwriter.com/ow05.htm)

1) You must write (VOLUME)
2) Finish what you start (You need to see the entire piece before you can build a sense for what works and what doesn't)
3) Refrain from rewriting, except to editorial order (Stories are never truly finished- learn to abandon them and call them 'done'.)
4) Put your story on the market.
5) Keep it on the market until it is sold.

The more I think about it, the more those rules seem like the path I need to follow if I want to write for a living. As I've said numerous times, I've been writing fiction for less than a year, and I've never taken a creative writing class, and only one college level composition class. I need to write more. I need to finish more so I can see the big picture of what works and what doesn't, and then I need to move on and see if I can build something better. Editing and revising are still necessary, but, from my perspective, it has diminishing marginal returns. After enough editing passes, it is time to drop it, get it out there, then move on to something newer, and hopefully better.

With that said, I do think I need to spend more time developing a better editing eye; this work especially had a ton of misplaced or incorrect words, things that really should have been caught in my revising passes.

[Mad Lews]

1) You must write (VOLUME)
2) Finish what you start (You need to see the entire piece before you can build a sense for what works and what doesn't)
3) Refrain from rewriting, except to editorial order (Stories are never truly finished- learn to abandon them and call them 'done'.)
4) Put your story on the market.
5) Keep it on the market until it is sold.

Oh yeah in context I see it.
Rule 1 is on everyones list, gonna be a writer you need to write.
2) is sometimes a tough one but usually if the story is worthwhile it has the legs to sustain it.
3) I take the last part to heart. A story can always be improved and at some point you need to say "enough!" I'm not sure if that means you must refrain from rewriting or revising especially since the muses have given us computers that make it so much easier than in the golden years of the Smith Corrona and the IBM selectric.
4) yes when your pleased with your work and the volume is sufficient go for it.
5) well it's a slow process at least on the print side so be patient, without being just plain stubborn. At some point you need to look at your work and look at what's published and do the old contrast and compare. then its back to the old story board.

[Razor7826]

I think the confusion comes from the spectrum of Editing-Revise-Rewrite. There are no distinct lines between the three nowadays, but a genuine 'rewrite' should be avoided unless absolutely necessary.

Heinlein's perspective is a bit skewed, perhaps, because of how prolific he was; while very few of his books sold incredibly well, the volume ensured that he could make a living doing it. His rules tend more towards the volume side than the quality side, but hey, volume is practice and with practice comes quality.

[Mad Lews]

To avoid further confusion I will refer to all editing and revision tasks as "retelling" you can determine how much revision is needed. We'll revisit project hope but for now go back to bad endings #7. Kelly will be the "Hero" or at least the likable object of sympathy.
Rachel will be the bad ass. A nasty piece of work in the beginning but she changes and evolves learning to regret her impulsive decision.

You can make most of these changes within the structure of the story as it stands or you could expand it using the "bad ending" as a centerpiece to the story (with necessary 'retelling within that structure) Add a preliminary chapter that sketches the two personalities, the attraction from both points of view, and the conflict that develops. The Bad Ending chapter is of course an imperfect resolution but work it the way you wish. The ending chapter needs to show Rachels building regret and what she does about it. I know you've said she can't find Kelly but what would she do then? Also fill in a little about Kelly's fate and her reaction to it.

Hope that will keep you busy for a bit.
Mad & Lews

[H Dean]

It be time for a meager helping of Dean the Mean. No, I've not much to say that hasn't been said already. Mr Lews covered me own complaints pretty damned well, damn his eyes. Still, I'll poke yer arsehole with me dagger a time or two.

The Baskerville family had really let their dogs go over the last few years.

Get rid of sophomoric terms like this. "Really" is best left to dialog and other words that should have a "ue" ending. That's a bad joke. Anyway, "really" is a crap-assed modifier. So get rid of it. It's like using "just" all the time to modify things. Yeah, it's okay in dailogue (it really should have that "ue" ending) but it's crap in story telling.

Also, I dislike terms like "cunt lips". I don't know if the author you are ghosting uses such terms. I can tell you that every asshole who thinks he is a writers uses them to death. Take Mad, for instance. That asshole uses all sorts of unsavory terms. On the other hand, Lews is far more graceful. Seriously, there are stories such terms will work well in and stories where it won't. Try not to be like everyone else with such terms - be more creative with your words...as you are with your stories.

Otherwise, I was rather amused at the story. It flowed pretty well and, other than the pirate voice being a bit unconvincing (non-standard pirate), it was enjoyable. That is, I like the beat, I'll give it a 38.

This is a far better stab than you had been making on the lower levels, I might add. It looks like the miscreants down there helped out a bit. I wish I could have been of more service but, fuck me, I can't even service myself.


I made me laugh with "non-standard pirate". Man, that's funny...in a lame way.

[Razor7826]

Thank you for the advice, Dean, and good to see you back.

I need to work on my vocabulary. 'Cunt lips' style gaffs are a minor problem compared to shallow pool of appropriate 'said' variants and descriptions for facial expressions.

As for the pirateese, I didn't focus on making him very believable, as I didn't think he was supposed to make much sense. I'll try to fix his speech and mannerisms in the updated version.

------

I submitted a story (Motherly Love (No, there is no incest)) to the Library over week ago, but due to the holiday's it hasn't even been uploaded. I spent more time editing it than my previous submissions, so hopefully there aren't the spelling and wording errors that have plagued my other works.

In hindsight, there are two things I should have done better with the story.
1) Be more descriptive, especially during the sex scene.
2) Make the mother's feelings at the end less ambiguous and more believable.

[H Dean]

Razor,

I will tell you one thing that helped my writing; reviewing other people's stories.
i would suggest that you visit the stories of those authors you respect and their reviews, as well. In critically reading stories and reviews you will get better insight into how to present a better tale. Trust me on this.

Also, be sure and give Mad Lews terrible reviews. He deserves harsh treatment, being a no-good-bastich and all.

[H Dean]

Oh - soon as I see your story posted, and if time permits, I will rip it to shreds in my review. Promise!