I was abused as a child and also as a young adult. One of my abusers attempted to use bdsm as an excuse because she knew that my previous girlfriend and I had been into it. I have since learned that rape is rape, no matter your sexual preference or turn-ons, but I still struggle with being a sub sometimes. I feel guilt over enjoying consensual play, wondering if some part of me did "want it" (as my abuser so frequently told me) and asked for it. I know that being a sub does not me I can be used/abused in a way that I don't consent, but still sometimes the struggle is hard.

My Dom (also my wife) has also gone through abuse and that has lead to a lack of any form of intimacy (bdsm play or otherwise) for nearly 2 years now. It's hard to work through my feelings on the whole abused sub thing when I have no situations to work through. Also, I'm what you would call easily-excitable and that leads to frustration over the lack of touch. I am so desperate to be touched, yet I feel so ashamed of it. I am so desperate to return to the role I used to play, begging, coercing, topping from the bottom, and being told what to do in the bedroom, but I am afraid to upset my Dom.

Can anyone relate to this or give advice? How do I go about getting the pleasure I so greatly want without guilt? Sex is currently out of the question, but any advice on vanilla-ish alternatives that will give me the authoritative relationship I crave?