I'm looking for advice about something that has become an issue for me as a submissive.

When I'm being submissive, I want to feel that the scene is real and not just acting. Specifically, I want scary things to happen and I want them to actually scare me. In scenes I've been in with various partners, I have felt this was, even knowing that the person I was with was a trusted friend and wouldn't actually do anything to harm me -- there's that little seed of doubt that comes up when you're totally helpless. For me that is a huge part of what I seek in BDSM.

The problem is that after 4 years with my husband, loving and trusting him more than anyone else in the world, I don't feel that way when I'm with him. I know his light side and I know his dark side, and I know that he is motivated more by the desire to protect and comfort me than anything else in life. Which is, of course, a pretty awesome thing to have in a relationship. But it presents a problem when you are looking for what my friends and I call "the scary-sexy." It is really hard to believe in the scene.

Has anyone else encountered this situation, and what do you do about it?