Girl, try to be a little kinder.....to yourself . You deserve it.
Trust me, i stop myself from saying "what is wrong with me, i LIKE getting slapped/spanked, who in their right mind likes that?!/!" Every day here. But im trying to be as kind to myself as i am towards others and their kinks. And i just dont get into my past abuses and how awful it is that a rape victim ......fantasizes about that exact thing. I dont care. I fuss and struggle against giving myself a break but this site, people like you, allow me to flex my compassion muscle and im slowly using that same strength on ME.
You deserve every kindnesd that you extend to others. If its just too difficult sometimes, and you get judgy om yourself, maybe ask a friend here to take over being judge of you for the day. Then give up that right.
I hope this makes some kind of sense. You got this, girl.