Even though I find pain pleasurable there are times when my Master will request that I inflict pain on myself, and during those times once I get into the rhythm of it instead of continuing to take pleasure my mind goes into defense mode. Instead of concentrating on how happy I am to be pleasing my Master and how good the pain feels; I concentrate on the fact that someone wants me to hurt myself.

During that time my mind doesn't differentiate between pain that comes from a source of love and care from pain that comes from a dark place like abuse.
I know when I'm thinking logically that he doesn't cause me pain to be cruel and malicious to me, and it's not abuse.

Basically my mind thinks I'm being attacked. I don't know how to prevent myself from getting to that horrible state of mind. I don't feel that way at all outside of those times.