feeling more than a little switch-y at the moment. . .

i thought that i am 100% sub, but the last few days have been odd and have made me think about it more. i do not like to submit in the general sense of the term. i like to fight and be (consensually) forced. i think that i use the term "sub" because with my ex it was always a given that i would lose that physical fight. i am very strong for a girl my size, but he was a large athletic man. now, a very odd encounter the other night ended with me pinning somebody under me (very long story, but basically i was trying to convince her of why we could not be a couple). so it basically lit up like a light bulb in my mind, i am not a sub in the typical sense. i have also tried subbing online, but that just feels rediculous to me, i mean, why should i let some annonymous person in front of a screen boss me around? where's the physical threat? where's the fear?

a conversation with my ex last night also brought this to the front. i've never realized it, but apparently i am a real bitch around everyone but him (you'ld think after 20 years i'ld know i'm a bitch, haha). and also how i have always used my sexuality to control people (i am not a slut, only 2 people have actually slept with me). so its more like i top from the bottom. . .if that makes sense? i mean, even when i was 7 years old i controlled all the little boys around me (and a handful of girls) with very overt flirting. i use the implied sex to get anything i want, and always have. (and after i've written it this entire paragraph seems irrelevant, sorry)

i am just very confused right now. i mean, does there even need to be a sub and a Dom/me? is there anywhere in the bdsm community where it can just be bdsm without a Dom/sub context? does that only happen among switches? does this make me a switch? i know with 100% surety that i am not even slightly vanilla. i mean, i need the pain in a nearly fictional way. the first time another person ever made me cum was with deep biting only, no overtly sexual contact at all. i am a total masochist and like being tied up and punished for my defiance. i just do not like the whole Dom/sub thing in the traditional sense.

does anybody have any insight? i'ld just really like to figure out what's going on in my head.