I'm not precisely new here; I first joined four or so years ago. I read a lot, and found myself drawn to the power dynamics of BDSM. Looking back, I can see similar tendencies my entire life, although I didn't understand them at the time.

I've thought of myself as a switch, but I'm less sure about that now. I still think it'd be fun (and hot) to take control for a bit, or tie someone up and tease them, but I don't think I could really domme someone. It seems like so much responsibility. I think I'm too selfish to do it properly. Is it possible to be submissive and still have fantasies of dominating someone? Is it possible to be submissive when submitting is ultimately all about the way it makes *you* feel, and not the dominant at all? That seems sort of selfish to me, but I do tend to overanalyze things.

I keep coming back to this site and then freaking myself out and leaving for long periods of time. Has this happened to other people? I know that I probably have some sort of issues--I tend to feel guilty about wanting sex and stuff like that, even though I would be the first person to tell someone else that it's perfectly natural and okay. Beyond the general internet paranoia of "oh God, my mother was right and there are serial killers out there" and the internal slut-shaming of "oh God I want sex" and "oh God I want BDSM sex", what usually scares me enough to make me leave is the way I start to feel.

When I'm talking about this kind of thing, or in chat, I start to feel all tingly and weird and everything seems really intense. And it scares me. I mean, in someways I like it, but it's scary.

I can get the same sort of feeling from holding my wrists, but then it's less scary and more of just an ache of some kind. Like, it feels good and relaxes me, but I'm missing something and it makes me ache deep inside. Not like a sex ache when you're really turned on, more like the first time you kiss someone?

Does this happen to other people? Is this maybe the beginnings of subspace? Are there things I can do to be less scared of it?

I'm sorry for taking up so much space on the forums, but I really could use some advice.