Man, I didn't even realize until a few weeks ago (despite knowing about my predilections for years) that I used to have pretty elaborately bdsm fantasies as a kid. Like, when I was twelve or so, I'd imagine being 'caught' somehow by the boys in our class along with the other girls in our class and tied up and tortured sexually with machines and everything, although I was pretty vague on the details. I also used to 'punish' myself with rubbing my crotch hard enough it hurt and stuff like that. And I'd scratch myself sometimes just to feel the sting and see the marks. And later, one of my standby fantasies was being held down and forced to enjoy sex.

...okay, maybe that's still one of my fantasies. :P

*blushes and scurries away*

*comes back*

um. so I still like scratching myself to feel the sting and see the marks. But it worries me since I've also had issues with self-injury in the past (like cutting, but without the cutting part). I mean, it feels different *to me* when I do it for enjoyment versus when I feel guilty or not real, but since the result is the same, I'm kind of concerned about it? Any thoughts?