@Sickler: What you say you are feeling is certainly close to what I felt when i first joined this forum. Shying away from personal contacts is probably the worst thing you could do right now. What really helped me was going out to my local BDSM discussion groups and discovering a restaurant dining room full of the most amazing people, who welcomed me and shared their own life's experiences. It feels so good not be feel like the only one. I suggest you log on to Fetlife, search for your city and find a local group meeting to attend. Unless you live in Antarctica. May not be so smart to mention this stuff unless it's the week before departure.