Hot Sex, Respect, Etiquette and Manners?

[seamedblackstockings]

"The term Old Guard represents a set a standards’. A Code of Conduct if you will that a select few in the Leather Community chose to live by. The year you were born or when you began your Leather Journey does not determine whether or not you are Old Guard. It is how you live your life."

"Could it be that if today’s New Guard would take the time to seriously look into the ways of the Old Guard; they would find their place in the Leather Lifestyle much more interesting. Some say they don’t have time for the training and workshops. If you truly have a fetish, then you would want to learn every nuance of your alleged interest? If most of the people would spend less time fighting the traditions and more time adapting them to their personal way of life, they will find that putting together:
Hot Sex, Respect, Etiquette and Manners is really a good thing."

Why is it that so many now days say that this lifestyle is not about sex, when in reality, much of the relationship revolves around the sexual interaction between the participants, in one form or another? Those people act as if the sexual aspect of bdsm detracts or taints the lifestyle and the relationships in it. In the grand scheme of things, it is the overall exchange of power that drives this lifestyle, in whatever form it takes, but for nearly all participants, sex is a major factor. Why can it not be integrated with the respect, etiquette and manners spoken of in the article?

And why is it, do you think, that so many are reluctant to seek information and training on the practical application of the myriad of toys and devices so readily available to anyone now? Has the internet superseded the need for this hands on, in person teaching and training of the new generation in the new generation’s eyes?

~hungry minds want to know~

[jinx]

I think you've got it right, for the most part, in that the internet has changed the way people look at things. Not just BDSM, but nearly all aspects of life. Doctors these days often complain about people who watch House or read WedMD and think that makes them a medical expert. Or people who watch home renovation shows, and think that makes them a skilled enough to start tearing down walls in their house.

These days, it's so easy to get a ton of information on whatever you're into, that the question of whether or not it's GOOD information isn't often raised. The Old Guard system can seem antiquated, and worse, slow! Having to learn thing a bit at a time, having to listen and get the approval of others? Pff, I can read 50 Shades and be just follow that!

As for what you say about people not thinking the lifestyle was about sex ... maybe we've had different experiences! A staggering number of people I've met (mostly outside the Library) think BDSM is about nothing BUT sex! hehe .. buttsex .. Sorry, sorry, got distracted by juvenile humor again. Where was I ... oh yes! A lot of people seem to think the kink and 'dressing' of BDSM is just about getting their gender specific bits off. About getting to the climax. Which although enjoyable .. is well down on my list of 'most important and enjoyable things in a D/s relationship'.

And I think that's why I like the Old Guard system! If you go into BDSM with the end goal of just having sex, can you really understand it the same way someone who actually studied and learned from a greater community might? The mental and emotional part has to be at least as important as the physical, or (to me) it's just vanilla sex with weirder toys.

How to get more people coming into BDSM to take it slow and look at the Old Guard system, rather than jumping in genitals first and thinking they know everything just from easily digestible media ... I have no idea. Offering cookies maybe?

[Desperado]

I think the Internet has opened up this lifestyle to an entire group of people that have little to no interest in any part of BDSM beyond what they see as easy sex. I can call myself a dom and some unsuspecting girl will gladly spread her legs for me.. what a deal. That is where the idea that this lifestyle being about sex has gotten a bad rap, in my opinion. It always has been and always will be about sex, in part. To debate that is foolish. Those that have no interest in the etiquette, the respect and the manners are the ones that are diluting or polluting this lifestyle.

In the "old days" we didn't have much of an Internet to speak of, and the only way to meet other like minded people and learn was to read the few books that were available, mostly "underground" or to attend local groups which held classes and demonstrations and taught how to do things the right way. They stressed respect above all else. They stressed integrity. These things were not optional and if you chose to go against the grain, you were shown the door.

No, anyone can log onto the net, read a few articles, order the latest, greatest toys, and call themselves "experienced". They are dangerous emotionally at best and physically at worst. There are some that take the time to learn, but far too many do not. We cannot protect anyone from their own stupidity for long, so buyer beware.

[Crushers Rose]

I think you are confusing sex and power exchange. As enjoyable as the sexual aspects of a relationship are.. the two are not always synonymous with each other. Sure, some people choose to only engage in power exchange in the bedroom (and there's nothing wrong with that, we are all different and have different needs).. but many, the Old Guard included, make that power exchange a way of life (or a lifestyle). Such people are not having sex 24/7.. however, their power exchange does apply 24/7. It's who they are, rather than something they do.

[Kuve {Sett}]

What has to be remembered is that we live in an age of instant gratification, the idea of long term effort to achieve a goal, especially a romantic/sexual one, is so far outside most people's box that it's no longer a consideration. That being the case it's to be expected that people will seek shortcuts, trying to get to the supposed "good parts" as quickly and with as little work on their part as possible. The internet is popular because it facilitates that, and since the idea that there can be such a thing as a "mistake" or doing something "wrong" is no longer current in a world where all opinions are considered equally valid they will naturally just find a web site that says what they want to hear and take that as proof that they are right.

[Crushers Rose]

Agreed, Kuve.. it's all about "I want it, and I want it now", and the internet makes easy to get to what they want. It's also an age of entitlement with a lack of responsibility and accountability.. and it's entirely too easy (with how rampant it's all become) to find someone out there who will validate their views and actions.

[cookiecat]

I discovered bdsm & kink stuff here in the library. I read stories forever and accidentally clicked on the forums and a whole new world opened up! Having access to online information and a site like this that created interaction did give me that instant thrill, that sub frenzy of I want to do everything right now! I was also fortunate enough to meet someone here who I met in real life. He encouraged me to continue exploring bdsm offline (real time!) and I made that leap in to discovering my local community.

Most of the folks in the community here - whether young/old - newbie/experienced - seem interested in fostering relationships, in passing down information, in sharing skills. There are tons of groups, munches, seminars, parties, demos to learn about virtually everything.

I will say there are some from the Old Guard who do voice the same concerns of too much, too soon. I find that this bridge is gapped by the "oldies" getting more involved with the newbies, helping them jump to real life in a safe way. It's the way of the world and finding new ways to make the bdsm community - whether online or real life - safer is the challenge. Ultimately, it comes down to personal responsibility.

Online has allowed me to have that thrill of the moment, of exploring from the comfort of my own home (in pj's, eating oreos but feeling all sexy just the same), of meeting people I would've never met in a million years. Taking that to real life was even more fun.

[Crushers Rose]

cookiecat, so many of the newbies don't want anything to do with the "oldies". In soooo many groups these days, the "oldies" are not even welcome.

[cookiecat]

Hi Crushers Rose. What groups?

We do have a group locally for 18 - 35 year olds. I'm 50 -- I've been to a couple of their parties. I had to chuckle - body parts at 25 are definitely perkier than 50. However - that's off topic! We also have a 40+ group. In between those two groups are a host of other groups that welcome experienced/new, older/young, queer/straight, etc.

Do you think newbie equates young in age? Or just new to the bdsm world?

[Crushers Rose]

Personally, I see it as both.. it can be age and it can be new to bdsm.

Groups... demos and seminars, typically you don't see that kind of a view and they tend to be welcoming to all. Munches and parties, it depends on the group. Some welcome all (not everyone is a party to such close-mindedness), and some do not. When it comes to groups attaching age limits, I think many may just prefer to associate with people within their age group (this is something that I can understand).. maybe they find them easier to identify with. Maestro Crusher is 60, and very Old School. Much of the time, when we socialize and congregate with lifestyle acquaintances, we do a bit more driving in order to do so. We live in a very rural area and most of the groups and munches in the area (there also aren't many here) are comprised of younger people (age-wise) who are "uncomfortable" with Maestro's Old School values. We aren't the only ones who've discovered this to be the case. We do have a small handful of friends here who also generally spend the extra time driving.

[DMskitty]

I am relatively new to this life, say only maybe 5-6 years and have only had this experience with one Master. I am personally blessed by the fact that his experience compelled him to compel me to read and learn so that while he prefers me to follow his lead, he enabled me to learn so I had a broader and deeper understanding of what I was beginning my life as. We are both in our 40's and while he has been at this long enough to have attended seminars and such, he is taking me to my first social event as it's only now that he feels I am ready to behave to the community and to him in that setting with the proper manners and etiquette it deserves. The library has been my favorite learning place, as well as some others I spend time with in real life. I believe what your speaking of is largely a problem with the world that infiltrates all.... Easier softer way has its attractions to many. The consequence is huge. I am grateful to my Master and to the learned people who have taken the time to nurture, and teach me. Thank you for this thread. I Thank those who offer us learning